Um...ok?

Let me preface this post by saying I know Germans are batshit fucking crazy. I know this. The Berlin Wall comes down, and this is the first iconic image we see from the "bright new future" of Germany? Batshit. Fucking. Crazy.

Oh and the Nazi thing too. I guess that was pretty goofy as well.

All that being said,

German pop star Ramma Damma, aka Ulli Hopper, decided to get married – to a pineapple.

So, ok maybe the first thing I should think when I read that is WHAT IN THE FUCKING FUCK OF A FUCK?!??!?11!!!1 but really that's not what comes to mind. What first comes to mind is "German pop star? Neat-o! I'd like to hear a sampling from his catalogue of music and then make fun of him for being a fruit fucker (no homo)."

Alright, Wikipedia, what do you got for me?

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Um...ok...hey YouTube, let's see some old school Ramma Damma!

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Really? No? Try "Ulli Hopper?"

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All music?

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Myspace?

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Fuck. Google?

Oct 10, 2008 ... Ramma Damma aka Ulli Hopper a German pop star who dresses entirely in green has gotten married to a pineapple.

Yea no I know, I'm looking for music. Music?

Oct 9, 2008 ... German pop star marries a pineapple...German pop star Ramma Damma, aka Ulli Hopper, decided to get married – to a pineapple.

God DAMNIT!!! Work, Google, WORK!!!

Democratic Underground - ramma damma ding dong

Fuck you, interwebs.

So although the article clearly states that he is a "pop star," and he sorta looks like someone who might be famous, the internet's never heard of him.

Yes. That internet. The same internet where homeless people have MySpace pages has never heard of Ulli Hopper or his stage name "Ramma Damma" (it should be noted that I'm only assuming his stage name is Ramma Damma. That may very well be his real name, and Ulli the nom de plume. Fucked if I care.)

Picking up his bride for about £8 – he wanted one who wasn't cheap – he drove her across the Scottish border to Gretna Green in a Jaguar covered in green AstroTurf.

Well, I mean, in the game of dipshittery, go big or go home I guess. And why did he need to cross the border into Scotland? Is fruit marrying legal for the Scottish? I'd think a Scottish justice of the peace would stomp your neck in if you asked him to marry you to a pineapple. Idunno, maybe I'm old fashioned. And where was Sarah Palin when all of this was going down?!?

There he and the pineapple – which he affectionately named Tippi – were wed before returning to his home in Munich. 'We drove through the night – it was a fun away wedding, not a runaway wedding,' he said.

HAHAHAHAHAHAOHMYGODFUCKINGKILLYOURSELFAAAHAHAHAHAHA get it, 'cause it's not run-away, it's fun-a...way...and that's clever...because...hm.

Getting a little clearer why nothing came up under "pop star."

Ok ok so what's the catch? Doing this for some sorta pineapple awareness retardery? New pineapple based album coming out? True love? Oh. Um. Really? True love? 'Cause I was just kinda throwing that one out there as a joke...

'I loved her. I wanted to marry her. We stayed in Gretna Green Hall Hotel and we were married by a craftsman wearing a kilt.'

Oh, I forgot for a second that you can't see my facial expressions while I type this. This one's sorta saying "holy fuck, somebody kill me or kill Ramma Damma, at this point I don't even care which."

'We enjoyed meals out. We would go to restaurants and she would enjoy a glass of water over dinner.'

Just wanted to remind you out in blogo-inter-web-space-land-o-sphere that this was considered NEWSWORTHY by some actual legit news outlet (and, admittedly, later by Pemulis and myself). NEWSWORTHY. If I owned a newspaper or news channel, I think I'd run with "Nothing of Interest Happened Today" as my top story before this.

'Tippi loved to go to the movies – especially ones about earthquakes – and she would sit on my lap when she got scared.'

Celebrities get away with a lot, man. If I said this shit when I was 13, I'd still be seeing a shrink for it (which might not actually have been the worst thing to happen for me but still) and I wouldn't even have been able to use the excuse "I'm fuckin' 13, I still get to say nonsensical shit out of nowhere for no reason!"

Welp, I tried to hold off as long as I could: let's talk about pineapple fucking.

So this is a pineapple, yea?


So, uh...where ya...where ya stickin' it in there...uh...in that pineapple...there...hm? I mean, if you've ever felt a pineapple you know that shit is hard and rough (ew I'm getting a pineapple now just typing this out, if you know what I mean jajajajajaja), so how are you going to...how do you...you know? HOW???

Ew. You're fucking gross, you know that?

Now in case you were wondering why you've never heard of Hopper,

YEA I'M FUCKIN WONDERIN HAVEN'T YOU READ MY ARTICLE ASSHOLE I READ YOURS HUH??!

this all happened 38 years ago.

Ohhhhhh I seeeee nowwwwww...then what the fuck are you writing this article for?

Today, Hopper is known as the Green Rebel in Munich, where he runs the only 'plant sanctuary' in Germany, accommodating 300 indoor plants.

Ok...still don't see the point of this article, so--

The 65-year-old is almost completely self-sufficient, even making his own stinging nettle spaghetti or brewing plum cider in a 230-litre bin.

Right, still not a news story. Why are you reporting on something that happ--

'I will defend every plant,' he said. 'They are the wonders of our world – we just to need to listen to them.'

DUDE! What the FUCK?!? WHY DID YOU WRITE ANY OF THIS???

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Hello?

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Wait, that's it? GAAAAAAAAAAAH Fuckin' foreigners!!!