Baskin Robbins Ponders Adding Flavor 32: Poo!

You don't know the half of it, picture.

A bitter row has broken out between one of Sydney's largest tourist pubs and a family of five who accused chefs of serving human excrement in their gelato after they complained about noise during a football match.

Ok. I really didn't want to write this because it's so fucking stupid it makes me want to punch myself in the dick but the whole time I read this article, in my head, all I heard was: Domo arigato for this gelato. I'll show myself out, thanks. Anyway, could you imagine serving someone your shit for complaining about noise? I guess that's what you get when you found a continent by filling it with felons.

State government food minister Ian Macdonald confirmed on Wednesday that frozen fecal matter had been found in a serving of chocolate gelato offered to placate pub patron Steve Whyte and his wife Jessica, who became "violently ill" after eating it.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa fucking hold on a minute. Frozen poo? So this was a turd they had in the freezer, for just such an occasion? And no shit [sorry] she got sick after eating it. It was poo! I love the descriptor "violently" while talking about illness. It makes me imagine her simultaneously projectile vomiting and projectile diarrhea-ing and like, knocking people over with the power of the streams. This in turn makes me hungry, which reminds me that it's almost lunch time. Hurray! And if you're the husband, how do you not just like immediately go on a killing spree? They just made your wife eat their shit! I think in situations like this murder is not only justifiable as revenge but also necessary.

"The stench went through my nostrils, I retched and spat it into the napkin," Jessica Whyte told the Daily Telegraph newspaper, recounting what local media are calling "gelati-gate."

Can we please stop calling every fucking controversy "something-gate"? It doesn't make any fucking sense! The name of the goddamn hotel was Watergate. It didn't have anything to do with water? When did this start anyway? It makes me fucking furious. So please stop or I will be forced to continue to sit here being pissed off. And no one wants that, do they? [looks furiously at kewpie dolls on desk while shaking fist] And if you're going to have to call this "something-gate", why would you go with gelati-gate and not like "poo-gate" or like "fro-turd-gate"?

The pub has denied serving excrement to the Whyte's after they complained they were unable to hear a televised football game due to loud music, with both the chef and restaurant manager volunteering for DNA tests to prove their innocence.

...

What? DNA tests? Can you do that with poo? Also like how would that prove their innocence? They could have gotten the poo from anywhere and froze it. Some random person could have left a floater and they could have pulled it out and froze it. Your defense is FLAWED sirs! FLAWED!!!

Macdonald said DNA analysis would now be done to determine if the sample was of human or animal origin as police and food authorities investigate the case.

Why does it matter what kind of shit was in the gelato? Isn't that kind of beside the point? My bet is that this Ian Macdonald character wants any reason he can to play with shit. Kinky bastard.

"Obviously, we are keeping an open mind and do not want to pre-empt this investigation in any manner," he said.

Oh ok, so he's decided to just say things. Regardless of whether or not they actually mean anything or don't make any sense whatsoever. Awesome. My kind of guy. Not like that. I mean... shut up!

The eastern Sydney hotel is standing by staff and on Tuesday said its own lab tests on the chocolate gelato tub had found no evidence of contamination.

Like I said earlier, this logic and line of defense is so stupid and flawed its almost not worth addressing. Almost. Just because you found no evidence of poo in the fucking chocolate gelato tub doesn't mean there wasn't frozen poo in their freezer and they didn't put it in this one lady's cup you stupid roofuckers! That's it, I'm done!