BREAKING NEWS: PETA MEMBERS STILL MORONS

O.M.FUCKING.G.

JERUSALEM — A leading animal advocacy group said the road to Mideast peace begins in a pita.

Opening sentence. No word of lie.

Listen.

I know that animals need advocates because obviously they can't speak for themselves. I know that there are a lot of truly terrible things that humans do to animals, and there needs to be a group that helps to bring these things to light. But, um,

FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD PETA, THIS IS A MILLENIA-OLD RELIGIOUS WAR THAT HAS IMPLICATIONS THAT AFFECT EVERYONE ON THE PLANET, AND HAS NOTHING, LET ME REPEAT, NOTHING, LET ME REPEAT AGAIN, NO-THING TO DO WITH BEING VEGAN OR NOT RACING HORSES OR WHATEVER'S GOT SAND IN YOUR VA-JAY-JAY THIS WEEK. BUTT. THE FUCK. OUT.

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has requested Israel's permission to post pro-vegetarian signs on both sides of its barriers with the West Bank and the Gaza Strip.

Hi, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert?AAAAAALLLLOOOOOOOO DEEEERE SAAAARAAAAAH.

SMcL: Right... so, listen I want to talk to you about this Israeli/Palestinian conflict. I think I have an idea that will help.

Ehud: A newly drafted peace settlement?

SMcL: No.

Ehud: A new type of WMD so we can just get this thing over with?

SMcL: No.

Ehud: Blowjob?

SMcL: Ew.

Ehud: Well what then?!?

SMcL: Did you know that if everyone on Earth was a vegan, we'd be saving the lives of millions of animals every year??? Why, the animals killed for fur alone number in the--

Ehud: OMFUCKING G, are you kidding? 'The fuck out of here with that bullshit!

PETA's signs are in Hebrew and in English. They feature Israelis and Palestinians sitting down for a meat-free meal along with the slogans: "Give Peas a Chance," and "Nonviolence Begins on Our Plates: Go Vegetarian."

Can you imagine being an Israeli or a Palestinan in the midst of this terrible violence, living under a shadow of fear that death may come at any time from any angle for any reason, and going outside and seeing this?This is the equivalent of someone going down to Ground Zero an hour after the second plane hit to hand out flyers about Global Warming. I know where you're coming from, but TIME AND PLACE, MOTHERFUCKERS. TIME. AND. PLACE.

"Every time that we eat, we can choose not to participate in violence," PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk wrote Wednesday in a letter.

Osama bin Laden actually released a new video response to this. It's just 1:34 of him dismissively wanking this off.

While choosing a falafel sandwich over a lamb kebab doesn't create instant peace

Or eventual peace. Or any increased chance of peace at all whatsover. Actually come to think of it, it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH PEACE YOU FLAGRANT RETARD.

it reduces the sum total of violence and suffering in the world."

And there you have it: PETA summed up perfectly. A complete and total admission that this won't have any effect other than furthering their agenda. "We're here to protect animals, and we'll hurt, kill and trample the rights of as many people as we have to to make our point!!! I'm sorry, what? What have we actually done to help animals besides drawing attention to ourselves and acting like dicks? ummm..."

/Throws bucket of fake blood, runs

THEY'LL NEVER CATCH ME

You know how when you were young, you'd go to that mean old man's house (or in my case, that really nice wheelchair-bound half blind priest's house) and set a bag of shit on fire, put it on the porch, knock on the door and then run away?

You know how you kept doing it all through your teenaged years, thinking one day it would get old but it never did?

You know how eventually you moved on to torching Port-a-Shitters?

You lost me? Really? Whatever, freak.

Someone has been sending San Francisco's portable toilets up in flames in a wave of potty pyromania.

This marks a momentous occasion for me personally and therefore, for all of you faithful readers who hang on my every word. I'm about to give a San Franciscoan a "kudos."

Ahem...San Franciscoan Port-a-Shitter Arsonist: Kudos, friend. My apologies that your Godless city is a cross between a femininely scented over-lotioned Kleenex and the Sodomite ward of Riker's Island. Onward!

Since November, at least 20 of the ubiquitous construction site toilets have been set afire in the city, creating a trail of malodorous wreckage and causing an estimated $50,000 in property damage, according to fire officials.

Nothing funny to say here. That's just a sexy sentence, in my humble. I'd fuck that sentence if it were physically possible. I mean, "trail of malodorous wreckage?" I'd WIFE that shit.

And now, let's try to make flaming Job Johnny's a grave, serious matter!

"Somebody's getting very bold," said Fire Department Lt. Mindy Talmadge. It's not unheard of for vandals to strike the portable restrooms but "this is unusual," she said.

San Francisco Police Department Headquarters, Commissioner's office. Fire Department Lt. Mindy Talmadge kicks open door, enters.

BigMindy: Commish! He struck again!

Commish: God damnit, Mindy, do you have to kick the door down every damned time you step into my damned office, damnit? Now what the hell are you--

BigMindy: DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?!?!?! HE LIT THE SHIT AGAIN!!!!

Commish: Yea, I know. There was an article about it on the Mauf.

BigMindy: Wait, this article?

Commish: Yea.

BigMindy: How is that even poss--

Commish: Laptop from the future.

BigMindy: Huh. Well, I-- wait, where was this little vignette going?

Commish: Not sure. We should probably just keep going with the quotes from the article.

BigMindy: Fair.

Contractors have been trying to foil the attacks by securing or camouflaging their industrial outhouses.

Camouflaging. Is your answer. You want to...camouflage. The Port-a-Shitter. What in the fucking FUCK can you make a Port-a-Shitter look like other than a--

Touche.

And the second option? "Securing" them? Something tells me this arson isn't setting them on fire and then, like, throwing them into the street or something. I mean, it just seems like you would end up with a very secure, burnt, melted Port-a-Pooper.

Theories vary on who is responsible. "Kids would be my guess," said Johnson.

"Possibly arsons, as well" he added. "Ne'er-do-wells would be a third option, if I were pressed."

The rest of the article is funny only because of the name of the Port-a-Pooper President they got to interview...

Alex Rodriguez, president of Concord-based Far West Sanitation & Storage Containers

Now as you continue to read just picture this guy

Talking like this.

[A-Rod] thinks whoever is doing it is motivated by the thrill of lawlessness, "trying to play catch-and-seek with the police."

HAHAHAHAHAHA "catch-and-seek?" Jeez, maybe this IS actually A-Rod.

"It kind of worries me and worries everybody that I talk to,"

Unequivocally: No one you talked to is actually worried. They're being polite. They laugh about you when you're not around.

"These people, I don't think they're criminals,

Yep. Actual quote. A-Rod thinks these arsonists illegally destroying other peoples' properties aren't criminals.

Oh, and by the way...


I know who did it.

Well, I Mean... That's What You Get... Also?

If I were a policeman, and suspected my slag whore of a wife of cheating on me with my best friend, I would probably use my resources as a cop to obtain cctv footage of pubs and stuff where they'd been meeting, then go on to beat her and throw her outside naked so everyone could see her for the whore she is. If this sounds insane and awful... well that's what she gets... right?

A policeman attacked his wife and shoved her naked out of their front door after CCTV footage showed she was having an affair with his best friend, a court heard yesterday.

Ok... well maybe I wouldn't do it... but this guy sure did! While on the one hand I am all for public humiliation for things, especially when she's fucking your best friend... I can't say I condone the violence aspect of the whole thing... I mean, throwing her outside naked? Perfectly acceptable. Look - If we're going to find it funny when a woman puts up a billboard like this, we have to agree the other side of that coin is funny too, no? Anywho, let's have a look at the lovely couple.

Mr. Wonderful!

Whoreslag!

PC Andrew Liptrot, 47, seized camera footage from two pubs where he suspected the couple had met before confronting his wife Karen at home. He then grabbed the 38-year-old British Airways stewardess and ripped her dressing gown from her body, the court was told. ‘I had nothing underneath,’ Mrs Liptrot said. ‘He was holding my wrists and I was nervous. I was scared. He grabbed my arm and called me a slag and a whore.'

He probably called you a slag and a whore because well... slagg-y shoe fits... Also. Domestic violence being awful enough as it is aside, if you're a cop and you're using sketchy means to find this stuff out... isn't domestic violence and public humiliation kind of a bad idea? I mean... You're a cop... But alright though. Just sort of dragged you outside, called you names. That's the end of it at least, right? You then decided to act like an adult and just sort of end the whole marriage thing and etc?

Peter Davies, prosecuting, said Liptrot, a crime prevention officer, eventually allowed his wife back into the house and ordered her into the bedroom where he attacked her again. He swung her round by the hair, hit her in the left buttock and struck her on the temple but stopped the attack when she started to cry, the court heard.

Oh... Well... Lest you think this man is a monster, let it be known that he did stop when she started crying. I mean, I'm not going to say the guy is a hero or anything, but never let anyone tell you he is merciless. And so there it ended... right?

Mr Davies said Liptrot attacked her again six days later when she refused to have sex with him.

Eeesh. So after your best friend has been stirring your vanilla... you actually wanted to have sex with her again? And you... have been living in relative calm for the past 6 days? What the hell, why would you do that?

The following day, Mrs Liptrot took her two children to her parents’ house. They called the police. Yesterday Liptrot, from Lostock Hall, Preston, appeared in court to deny three charges of assault.

FYI, here's how they're saying these bruises happened (I'm skipping around a bit in the article because either it's super long or my ADD has grown exponen...hey a nickel!)

Rick Holland, defending, suggested Mrs Liptrot’s injuries were caused by a kinky bondage session the night before. He told her: ‘You had bought a pair of handcuffs from Ann Summers and you and your husband were involved in consensual sexual contact. You had handcuffs on your wrists and you suffered slight injuries.’ The jury was told that Liptrot, who had been a police officer for ten years but resigned this month, had earlier pleaded guilty to seven counts of misconduct in a public office relating to accessing police files and obtaining the CCTV footage.

So he quit after illegally obtaining this footage that implicated his wife in an affair with his best friend... but after that they bought dangers sex toys that resulted in bruises and cuts? Sounds reasonable to me. But what do I know (don't answer that, thanks).


I'd also like to point out that at no point does this article explain what, if anything he did to his 'best friend'. Shouldn't there be some comeuppance in the works for him? Like, shouldn't Liptrot's lawyer be like "You are going to buy a noose and have more consensual sex with my clients wife and you will suffer slight hanging related death injuries." or something? Whatever. Where's Bud White when you need him?

Well, I Mean... That's What You Get?

In a story that is in no way going to help the reputation for Russians being drunk... a Russian got totally hammered... and then tried to fuck a raccoon... with somewhat disastrous results.

An enraged raccoon has bitten off a man's penis as the pervert tried to rape the animal.

I mean, was he trying to rape its face? there's just so much awesomeness and stupidity to this story I don't even know where to begin. Oh. You'll see.

Russian Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with friends when he leapt on the terrified animal.

On the one hand, what kind of friends let him try to rape a raccoon. On the other hand, who wouldn't want to party with those guys? That's right. 44. Years. Old. On the one hand, you'd think someone in their mid-40's would know better than to drunkenly rape a raccoon. On the other hand, why don't you lay off it, Judge Reinhold?

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned surgeons in Moscow.

Yep. Not even remorseful about it. That's right. Thought he'd have some fun. What great merriment having sex with rabid animals will be! I love that this attitude somehow stunned the surgeons. The dude tried to fuck a raccoon. There's really nothing else he could say or do that I would really consider 'stunning'.

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

One, I have to imagine this gentleman was not married. Probably not even seeing anyone(human). And so imagine if you meet the girl of your dreams. At some point, you are going to have to have that conversation about why your dongle is mutilated, right? And 2, I mean, even John Wayne Bobbit can say 'crazy ex-wife'. But, 'Oh, you know. Just another drunken weekend with my friends trying to fornicate with feral animals!' somehow seems like it would be some kind of deal-breaker for any woman with even the faintest sense of sanity.

It's Not Often I Find Myself Rooting for the Guy With the Laser Pointer

So if there's nothing you enjoy more than watching millionaires dressed up like space cats acting like huge babies, you're in luck:



Seriously, like anyone needed another reason to hate KISS. Also, if you're a rocker who hates laser pointers with this kind of passion, shouldn't you have a better repertoire of insults to hurl crowd-ward than things like, "Just because you can shave you're still a baby" and "Put that laser in your pocket or I'll put it in your ass"? How about something fun like "Hey! My doctor says I can't get laser in my eye! Be careful!" Or like, "Hey, you look pretty young, the whole band has probably had sex with your mother."

I Just Discovered: Zero Punctuation

So, I'm not much of a video game-y type guy. But I do enjoy me some games. I currently have a Nintendo Wii at home - and we recently got the wii fit (I am a master at the hula hoop game). I also have an xbox that's been modified so that it has every nintendo, super nintendo, and genesis game on it. I know what you're thinking - wow, you must be swimming in ladies 24/7. You're half right. Half as in the correct portion is "wow, you must be..."

Anyway, a friend recently sent me a link to escapist magazine, where they do this group zero punctuation does weekly video reviews. These are some of the funniest things I've seen in quite a while. Here's his review for Ninja Gaiden 2 (The original is possibly my favorite game for the xbox, I played it for like, 5 hours a day for an entire year of college - I know, see above comment re ladies.):

You Can't Rape Your Wife. Seriously, It's Impossible.

So if you're seeking marriage advice, and also happen to have a penchant for hitting your loved one and also sort of... you know... forcing sex on your wife, you might want to check out Samir Abu Hamza's "Keys To a Successful Marriage"

Coburg's self-styled cleric Samir Abu Hamza said despite Australian rape laws it was impossible for a man to rape his wife even if she refused to have sex with him, the Herald Sun reports.

Impossible. Never mind that rape is generally defined as any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person. So you see, if you are married, you own this woman. Now, before we go off thinking "Oh wow, what a misogynist asshole this Hamza is!" I say we hear him out.

In a recorded lecture entitled "The Keys to a Successful Marriage", delivered to his male worshippers but now broadcast on the internet and viewed by several thousand people,
Mr Hamza said Islamic law allowed men to hit their wives as a last resort, but they were not to make them bleed or become bruised.

See? You can hit, but not bruise or cut! It's practically inhumane not to hit them! Also, when does one decide when an argument and words have reached the need for a last resort? And how exactly does one hit someone without it leading to bruises or blood? Can't you just hit them where the bruises won't show? And now what about this sex stuff... I mean, whenever he wants? What if she's busy?

"If the husband was to ask her for a sexual relationship and she is preparing the bread on the stove she must leave it and come and respond to her husband, she must respond," Mr Hamza told his male followers on the video sermon.

Well... ok, that seems reasonable... I guess? But so like, aren't there still laws to contend with? You know... the rape-y ones?

He then mocked Australia's criminal laws, which required consent for sex to be lawful. "In this country if the husband wants to sleep with his wife and she does not want to and she hasn't got a sickness or whatever, there is nothing wrong with her she just does not feel like it, and he ends up sleeping with her by force ... it is known to be as rape," Mr Hamza said. "Amazing, how can a person rape his wife?"

To anyone wondering, yes. Yes he did answer his own question immediately prior to asking it. You'd think if you're going to give a huge lecture to people on marriage and shit, you'd at least do like 5 seconds of research to see what Marriage actually is. Like, people go to jail for hitting their legally purchased dogs. Yet for someone you love and whom is under law your equal. It's ok to rape them and hit them. Someone needs to explain this to me better. And then explain it to PETA, so that I can get these "dog-rape" charges dropped. Anyway, when reached for comment, Hamza said basically, leave me the fuck alone.

"Don't call me, don't bother me and please don't call me ever again," he said.

Now, I often see stupid things and certain (fat) people and think "Well this is why people hate America." It seems it is pretty much that way regardless of what you're talking about - America, Islam, Christians, etc. etc. It's always a stupid few who ruin it for the sane, normal rest of the group. So I know there are probably people who will see this article and think things like "This is why we need to win the war in Iraq." And the thought that people like that exist drives me to edge of suicide pretty much every day.

So here's the video. I'll be honest. I didn't watch it. I got the gist from this article, and plus: thing's like 50 minutes long. Come on!


Back to the article,

Islamic Council of Victoria vice-president Sherene Hassan said Islam did not condone domestic violence. "The Prophet Mohammed stated 'The best of you is he who is kindest to his wife'," Ms Hassan said.

To which I have to say: Well, I mean, dude did say as a last resort... and he did say no bruising... and plus, even if she's busy preparing the bread on the stove, she was totally aching for it anyway, and will probably thank you for it later... If for no other reason than to try and get you to stop hitting her.