THEY'LL NEVER CATCH ME

You know how when you were young, you'd go to that mean old man's house (or in my case, that really nice wheelchair-bound half blind priest's house) and set a bag of shit on fire, put it on the porch, knock on the door and then run away?

You know how you kept doing it all through your teenaged years, thinking one day it would get old but it never did?

You know how eventually you moved on to torching Port-a-Shitters?

You lost me? Really? Whatever, freak.

Someone has been sending San Francisco's portable toilets up in flames in a wave of potty pyromania.

This marks a momentous occasion for me personally and therefore, for all of you faithful readers who hang on my every word. I'm about to give a San Franciscoan a "kudos."

Ahem...San Franciscoan Port-a-Shitter Arsonist: Kudos, friend. My apologies that your Godless city is a cross between a femininely scented over-lotioned Kleenex and the Sodomite ward of Riker's Island. Onward!

Since November, at least 20 of the ubiquitous construction site toilets have been set afire in the city, creating a trail of malodorous wreckage and causing an estimated $50,000 in property damage, according to fire officials.

Nothing funny to say here. That's just a sexy sentence, in my humble. I'd fuck that sentence if it were physically possible. I mean, "trail of malodorous wreckage?" I'd WIFE that shit.

And now, let's try to make flaming Job Johnny's a grave, serious matter!

"Somebody's getting very bold," said Fire Department Lt. Mindy Talmadge. It's not unheard of for vandals to strike the portable restrooms but "this is unusual," she said.

San Francisco Police Department Headquarters, Commissioner's office. Fire Department Lt. Mindy Talmadge kicks open door, enters.

BigMindy: Commish! He struck again!

Commish: God damnit, Mindy, do you have to kick the door down every damned time you step into my damned office, damnit? Now what the hell are you--

BigMindy: DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?!?!?! HE LIT THE SHIT AGAIN!!!!

Commish: Yea, I know. There was an article about it on the Mauf.

BigMindy: Wait, this article?

Commish: Yea.

BigMindy: How is that even poss--

Commish: Laptop from the future.

BigMindy: Huh. Well, I-- wait, where was this little vignette going?

Commish: Not sure. We should probably just keep going with the quotes from the article.

BigMindy: Fair.

Contractors have been trying to foil the attacks by securing or camouflaging their industrial outhouses.

Camouflaging. Is your answer. You want to...camouflage. The Port-a-Shitter. What in the fucking FUCK can you make a Port-a-Shitter look like other than a--

Touche.

And the second option? "Securing" them? Something tells me this arson isn't setting them on fire and then, like, throwing them into the street or something. I mean, it just seems like you would end up with a very secure, burnt, melted Port-a-Pooper.

Theories vary on who is responsible. "Kids would be my guess," said Johnson.

"Possibly arsons, as well" he added. "Ne'er-do-wells would be a third option, if I were pressed."

The rest of the article is funny only because of the name of the Port-a-Pooper President they got to interview...

Alex Rodriguez, president of Concord-based Far West Sanitation & Storage Containers

Now as you continue to read just picture this guy

Talking like this.

[A-Rod] thinks whoever is doing it is motivated by the thrill of lawlessness, "trying to play catch-and-seek with the police."

HAHAHAHAHAHA "catch-and-seek?" Jeez, maybe this IS actually A-Rod.

"It kind of worries me and worries everybody that I talk to,"

Unequivocally: No one you talked to is actually worried. They're being polite. They laugh about you when you're not around.

"These people, I don't think they're criminals,

Yep. Actual quote. A-Rod thinks these arsonists illegally destroying other peoples' properties aren't criminals.

Oh, and by the way...


I know who did it.