Well, I Mean... That's What You Get?

In a story that is in no way going to help the reputation for Russians being drunk... a Russian got totally hammered... and then tried to fuck a raccoon... with somewhat disastrous results.

An enraged raccoon has bitten off a man's penis as the pervert tried to rape the animal.

I mean, was he trying to rape its face? there's just so much awesomeness and stupidity to this story I don't even know where to begin. Oh. You'll see.

Russian Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with friends when he leapt on the terrified animal.

On the one hand, what kind of friends let him try to rape a raccoon. On the other hand, who wouldn't want to party with those guys? That's right. 44. Years. Old. On the one hand, you'd think someone in their mid-40's would know better than to drunkenly rape a raccoon. On the other hand, why don't you lay off it, Judge Reinhold?

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned surgeons in Moscow.

Yep. Not even remorseful about it. That's right. Thought he'd have some fun. What great merriment having sex with rabid animals will be! I love that this attitude somehow stunned the surgeons. The dude tried to fuck a raccoon. There's really nothing else he could say or do that I would really consider 'stunning'.

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

One, I have to imagine this gentleman was not married. Probably not even seeing anyone(human). And so imagine if you meet the girl of your dreams. At some point, you are going to have to have that conversation about why your dongle is mutilated, right? And 2, I mean, even John Wayne Bobbit can say 'crazy ex-wife'. But, 'Oh, you know. Just another drunken weekend with my friends trying to fornicate with feral animals!' somehow seems like it would be some kind of deal-breaker for any woman with even the faintest sense of sanity.