You Can't Rape Your Wife. Seriously, It's Impossible.

So if you're seeking marriage advice, and also happen to have a penchant for hitting your loved one and also sort of... you know... forcing sex on your wife, you might want to check out Samir Abu Hamza's "Keys To a Successful Marriage"

Coburg's self-styled cleric Samir Abu Hamza said despite Australian rape laws it was impossible for a man to rape his wife even if she refused to have sex with him, the Herald Sun reports.

Impossible. Never mind that rape is generally defined as any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person. So you see, if you are married, you own this woman. Now, before we go off thinking "Oh wow, what a misogynist asshole this Hamza is!" I say we hear him out.

In a recorded lecture entitled "The Keys to a Successful Marriage", delivered to his male worshippers but now broadcast on the internet and viewed by several thousand people,
Mr Hamza said Islamic law allowed men to hit their wives as a last resort, but they were not to make them bleed or become bruised.

See? You can hit, but not bruise or cut! It's practically inhumane not to hit them! Also, when does one decide when an argument and words have reached the need for a last resort? And how exactly does one hit someone without it leading to bruises or blood? Can't you just hit them where the bruises won't show? And now what about this sex stuff... I mean, whenever he wants? What if she's busy?

"If the husband was to ask her for a sexual relationship and she is preparing the bread on the stove she must leave it and come and respond to her husband, she must respond," Mr Hamza told his male followers on the video sermon.

Well... ok, that seems reasonable... I guess? But so like, aren't there still laws to contend with? You know... the rape-y ones?

He then mocked Australia's criminal laws, which required consent for sex to be lawful. "In this country if the husband wants to sleep with his wife and she does not want to and she hasn't got a sickness or whatever, there is nothing wrong with her she just does not feel like it, and he ends up sleeping with her by force ... it is known to be as rape," Mr Hamza said. "Amazing, how can a person rape his wife?"

To anyone wondering, yes. Yes he did answer his own question immediately prior to asking it. You'd think if you're going to give a huge lecture to people on marriage and shit, you'd at least do like 5 seconds of research to see what Marriage actually is. Like, people go to jail for hitting their legally purchased dogs. Yet for someone you love and whom is under law your equal. It's ok to rape them and hit them. Someone needs to explain this to me better. And then explain it to PETA, so that I can get these "dog-rape" charges dropped. Anyway, when reached for comment, Hamza said basically, leave me the fuck alone.

"Don't call me, don't bother me and please don't call me ever again," he said.

Now, I often see stupid things and certain (fat) people and think "Well this is why people hate America." It seems it is pretty much that way regardless of what you're talking about - America, Islam, Christians, etc. etc. It's always a stupid few who ruin it for the sane, normal rest of the group. So I know there are probably people who will see this article and think things like "This is why we need to win the war in Iraq." And the thought that people like that exist drives me to edge of suicide pretty much every day.

So here's the video. I'll be honest. I didn't watch it. I got the gist from this article, and plus: thing's like 50 minutes long. Come on!


Back to the article,

Islamic Council of Victoria vice-president Sherene Hassan said Islam did not condone domestic violence. "The Prophet Mohammed stated 'The best of you is he who is kindest to his wife'," Ms Hassan said.

To which I have to say: Well, I mean, dude did say as a last resort... and he did say no bruising... and plus, even if she's busy preparing the bread on the stove, she was totally aching for it anyway, and will probably thank you for it later... If for no other reason than to try and get you to stop hitting her.

Did you just take the nastiest deuce in history, or did someone die in here? Oh...yikes...

I've had thousands of emails from loyal readers of the Grand Ole 'Maufry, and aside from the usual requests for autographs and girls offering themselves, ahem, "Biblically" to me, I get a lot of questions about my writing process.

Basically, I'll troll around the internet at work looking for interesting stories while eating my breakfast and discreetly rubbing one out beneath my desk. Then, I'll take a look at the title of the article I've landed on, and decide how I'm going to use my creativity to make it funny or unusual, all while rubbing another one out (discreetly) under my desk.

Let's take, for example, the title of this article:

Woman pleads no contest in toilet corpse case

This is what we in the biz call "an article you don't have to do much work on which allows more time for discreetly masturbating at work."

Then I carefully search through the article for the morsels of odd-ass deliciousness so that I may make jest. Let's being our search shall we?

A woman accused of helping her religious leader hide a decaying corpse on her toilet so they could continue collecting her Social Security

Ok...article kinda writing itself so far. So let's see...alright, the dumb bitch doing something dumb for some dumb cult angle has been used before, but hiding a corpse on the toilet??? I guess I was picturing some hacked up body stuffed into a toilet, you know, to hide it (although to be fair I picture hacked up bodies being stuffed into toilets about 65% of my waking hours, so it might've just been coinkydink). But, so the corpse was just sitting there. On the toilet. Decomposing. Is there another bathroom in this house? I mean, if you have to go, do you have to perch the corpse on your lap while you poop? Wouldn't that run the risk of catching corpse-crotch? I think I read that on Mayo Clinic once. Or in Necro-FeelinDat Monthly. Whateva's cleva.

So this bitch gets caught corpse-handed, and then gets thrown in jail, and she's going to be there for years and years, because having a corpse in your house while you collect said corpse's social security has to be worth at least

Tammy Lewis, 36, of Necedah, pleaded no contest to obstructing a police officer and was fined $350

Woah woah woah fuckin woah woah WOAH. Woah now. Woah. Like, dude. Fucking WOAH. Dude? Dude. Bro. Woah. Woah. $350? Three hundred and fifty fucking dollars? And don't give me that, "well it is thirty five thousand pennies" shit either. Yo, I was once given a ticket for drinking in public, and while I was sitting waiting for my turn in court, I heard the judge pass out a $250 fine for biking on the sidewalk. Yea, you read that correctly: for biking on the sidewalk.

So, to recap:
Biking on the sidewalk = BAD.
Hiding a corpse in your bathroom and collecting its social security payments= SLIGHTLY WORSE.

Investigators said Middlesworth [dead bitch and Lewis [somehow not incarcerated bitch] were members of a religious sect [Alan "is that a corpse in your bathroom or are ya just happy to see me"] Bushey led called the Order of the Divine Will.

Ah...it's becoming clearer now. This lady was hoodwinked by a smooth, charming, handsome, charismatic young man who--Nooooooo that's not Alan Bushey, silly. That dude looks like a human booger. There's nothing you can do to convi--Huh. Really? Huh. Ok then...So this woman was hoodwinked by the bad guy in every pedophile episode of Law & Order SVU ever made, and he somehow convinced her...wait, what the fuck did he tell her that would make her hang on to a corpse?

Bushey told Lewis that God would revive Middlesworth, who friends and family said was from Washington state, investigators said.

First, I love when writers do this. "Ok, so I know I have to get in the fact that the old lady's originally from Washington...Ah! I know! I'll couple that fact with the fact that she was expected to rise from the dead. Creates a nice balance, you know?"

So does that make old lady Middlesworth the new Jesus? Or was she merely supposed to be a Lazarus type situation? Maybe it's different when you're in the middle of it, but I just can't picture myself going along with this.

"Hell no, man! I'm not keeping some old bitch's corpse in my bathroom! Let's just bury her and say she's on vacation!"

No, you see...uh...um, she's...she's going to come back to life!

"Dude...she's decomposing. I don't think she'd even want to come back now."

Um...no. That's not how it works. When she comes back...um...when she comes back she won't be...you know...slimy any more.

"Oh, well that's a horse of a different color, bring her on in!"

Nope. Just don't see that happening.

So let's get back to the sentencing of the corpse-stasher. "Obstructing Police?" That's what you land on when you find a woman housing a corpse to steal her government cheddah?

As part of Lewis' plea deal, five other charges, including three felony counts of hiding a corpse and causing mental harm to a child, will be dismissed

Yup. Causing mental harm to a child. There were kids in the house. With the corpse. That was decomposing. Now, I don't know about you, but when I was a youngster, the middle-of-the-night walk to the bathroom was a frightening and perilous journey. Walking through the house alone, in the dark, at night, in silence. Hearing a bump, thinking a monster was right around the corner. Waiting. The only relief would be finally getting to the bathroom so that you could escape the darkness and flip on the light andAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OH GOD HOLY SHIT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MOMMYTHERESAMONSTERINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH vomit, scream, cry, vomit, cry, vomit, cry, scream, vomit, vomit, scratch eyes out, vomitAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
"What is it sweety? Did you have a widdle nightmare?"

"MOMMY HELP THERES A IN THE BATHROOM AHHHH!!!"

"Oh hush up, silly, that's just Miss Middlesworth. You remember Miss Middlesworth, don't you?"

"Yea but she didn't look like

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH"

"Now don't be rude, Tommy. Miss Middlesworth is our guest, and we have to treat her real nice before the Lord comes and reanimates her, ok?"

sniffle"Okay..."

"That's my good boy. Now brush Miss Middleworth's teeth before you go to bed."

Lewis' son told detectives Bushey told him demons were destroying Middlesworth's appearance as she decayed in the bathroom to make it look like she wouldn't rise from the dead, the criminal complaint said.

Again...I get the whole "desperate people turn to religion and will believe anything" thing, but come the fuck ON. No one was like "okay, buddy...now it just sounds like you're making this up off the top of your head...No. No, demons did not make me say that just now. Yes. Yes I'm sure."

Lewis is "very relieved" her case has been resolved, he said.

Yea no shit she's relieved. I'dbe pretty fucking relieved to know that I got away with multiple felonies and only have to pay the equivalent of a parking ticket.

"She has made some really great progress emotionally and even physically."

I went from a size 6 to a size 2, and all it took was a religious zealot ruining my life and emotionally scarring my sons for life! Look at this tummy!

The Catholic Church is Tolerant

Now look everyone. I'm not trying to get all relig-y here. Jesus is a friend of mine. In fact, it reminds of a little ditty I know. And it goes a little something like this:


heres the link if this is being weird.

But so I guess my point here is that the Catholic church, whom you may recall from such scandals as: Papal indulgences! The Spanish Inquisition! And Rape! Have issued a new statement from progressive and forward-thinking new-ish pope, Joey "The Ratzinger" Ratzinger!!!

In an effort to come across as a kinder, more gentle and more accepting Church (bear in mind that the word catholic translates literally to "universal", Ratzy issued a statement...restating that Catholicism is the eh... only true..church..[tugs collar uncomfortably]

Formulated as five questions and answers, the document is titled "Responses to Some Questions Regarding Certain Aspects of the Doctrine on the Church."

Not answered was my question, which I submitted any number of times, "Hey, why are you being such a dick?"

It says although Orthodox churches are true churches, they are defective because they do not recognize the primacy of the Pope.

I also recently issued a 16 page statement to my friends stating that if they don't recognize my primacy, they are assholes. Here's what I'm not sure I get: the point? If the prime minister of Australia issued a statement saying Australian white guys are the one true type of white guy, I'd be confused, but I also wouldn't give a shit. So why bother issuing this statement? Is some Episcopalian going to be like "Oh fuck! The Pope thinks Catholics are better than us! I don't believe that he's infallible because it's bullshit and my religion's a joke to begin with since it was birthed from a King who wanted to remarry but fuck! I guess I better be Catholic!!" And if you're around that Episcopalian when he says that, punch that long-winded fuck in his stupid limey face.

Anyway, what I'm driving at is that if you're a faltering religion because of scandals and intolerance, a 16 page statement saying essentially "We're better than you" might not be the best idea. Anywho, carry on Ratzy:

"It follows that these separated churches and communities, though we believe they suffer from defects, are deprived neither of significance nor importance in the mystery of salvation," it said.

Defects like sexism and homophobia and child rape? Oh wait... Move along.

The decree comes days after liberal Catholic and Jewish groups spoke out against the Pope's move to authorize the wider use of a traditional Latin mass.

Here's the thing. Remeber Vatican 2, the deucer? No, you don't because you didn't go to Catholic School from Kindergarten through college? Oh right, so now I'm the asshole. Anyway it was Pope JP Deuce basically saying "We can do mass in English, since the "traditional" Latin mass is only being faithful to tradition of like, a couple hundred years. Because if they seriously wanted to do a "traditional" mass, it would have to be in aramaic or squiggly or whatever. " That's all verbatim. I'm rambling, but I guess my point is, who gives a flying fuck what language you do the mass in? Isn't the message what's important? But if you want to do more in Latin...go nuts? I mean unless there was some difference that would be offensive somehow...

The Tridentine mass includes a prayer for the conversion of Jews. Its use was restricted following the Second Vatican Council from 1962 to 1965.

Hmm... I wonder why Jews would be upset by this German Pope wanting to reintroduce a prayer for their conversion into your masses. I mean, if I were a Jew I would just probably think: "Good for you, you stupid aryan fuck, why would I care what you pray for?" But then again I wouldn't be a very good Jew, so I'm not sure I can speak for them. Anyway, let's wrap this up, Pope Hitler.

The Jewish Anti-Defamation League in New York called it a "body blow to Catholic-Jewish relations."

Religion! It's like boxing for God's love!