Dr. Pemulis's Good-Time Family Subway Solution: Mouthbreathers!

So on the subway this morning, I notice a young, portly gentleman sitting across the way from me. What jumped out immediately was that, aside from being quite rotund, his jaw appeared to rest on his chest for all 5 or so stops I had on the train. This makes you look like a slack-jawed yokel. What I've never understood about mouth breathers is this: is this something innate? Or is it conditioning or what? Are you born predestined to be a mouth breather, or does it take years of white trash upbringing? Perhaps wikipedia will shed some light on the sitch.

A healthy individual normally breathes through the nose while resting or doing light exercise, and breathes simultaneously through both the nose and mouth during vigorous aerobic exercise, in order to supply sufficient oxygen. Excessive mouth breathing is problematic because air is not filtered and warmed as much as when inhaled through the nose, as it bypasses the nasal canal and paranasal sinuses, and dries out the mouth. Mouth breathing is often associated with congestion, obstruction, or other abnormalities of the upper respiratory tract. Mouth breathing is a diagnostic sign of adenoiditis especially with persistent rhinorrhea. Comorbidities include asthma, obesity, snoring, halitosis, and obstructive sleep apnea.

So either you're a great big fat person or your sinuses are fucked. But at least in addition to making you look like a fucking idiot it makes your breath stink! Hurray!

Mouth breathing in public is sometimes considered to be less socially acceptable or attractive than nose breathing, as mouth breathers can appear to have a somewhat "slack jawed" look, and mouth breathing can cause or exacerbate bad breath. Consequently, the term "mouth breather" may be used in a pejorative sense for someone lacking in hygiene or intelligence.

Looks like the internets agrees. You look like a goddamn moron, knock it off. I also wonder if this is a treatable thing. Can you just be like, more conscious so that assholes on the subway don't judge to be mentally deficient? Like, can't you just shut your stupid hick mouth or does gravity affect your dumb face differently than normal folk like me? You know what I want early in the morning on a crowded subway? To smell your halitosis! Thanks asshole! Do they make purrell for noses yet? Or better yet, is it illegal to mace someone for being a mouth breather?

School District Allows Teachers to Carry Guns. Guess Which State?

In the latest challenge to the rest of the world's taint-brained idiots, Texas, the state that gave us Hold 'Em Poker and killing retards, just stepped it up a notch.

In an effort to protect against gun violence, a small Texas school district has decided to flood their schools with firearms. Ow, fuck!

Sorry. That just left my brain butt-hurt.

School experts backed [David "Complete Fucking Dumbass"] Thweatt's claim that Harrold, a system of about 110 students 150 miles northwest of Fort Worth, may be the first to let teachers bring guns to the classroom.

A few items:

1. Kill yourself with a blunt object, David Thweatt. Or you can use a gun...there's now one available in EVERY CLASSROOM.
2. Of fucking COURSE you're the first ones to do this, it's a FUCKTARDED idea. If you were to allow teacher/student dating at your elementary school , you'd have another "first." Doesn't mean it's "pioneering."
3. There are 110 students in the system. Not in a school. Not in a grade. From Pre-K to 12th (like Texans even need a 12th grade, but whatevs, it's there) there are one hundred and ten students. Are you really afraid one of the 3 kids in your 8th grade math class is going to go on a massacre?
4. If I were an 8th grade math student who wanted to go on a massacre, a good place to do it would be this district, 'cause there's already a FUCKING GUN AVAILABLE IN EVERY CLASSROOM.

It's terrible that I'm giddily anticipating this, but I almost can't WAIT until a 9 year is blown away by his slack-jawed gym teacher for "runnin' at me all menacin'-like." Seriously, present me with a scenario where arming Texan teachers with semi-autos in a tiny backwoods-ass school district produces a positive outcome and you win a prize.

"We have a lock-down situation, we have cameras, but the question we had to answer is, 'What if somebody gets in? What are we going to do?" he said. "It's just common sense."

What...if..."someone"...gets in? How the fuck is that a question you "had" to answer?
HEY QUEEF-FOR-BRAINS, THERE'S 110 STUDENTS IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING DISTRICT, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU'VE EVEN SEEN A STRANGER YOU COW TIPPING SISTER FUCKING BUMPED-YOUR-HEAD-DIVING-INTO-THE-SHALLOW-END-OF-THE-GENE-POOL CUD FUCKERS???

There hasn't been, to my knowledge, one single fucking instance in the history of this nation where some random dude(s) ran up into a school and shot people for the fuck of it. It's approximately 10,000,000,000,000.001% more likely to be someone from the inside, like a student...or a recently armed teacher.

New Feature! Pemulis's Daily Dish! Less Gay Name Coming Soon (Let's Hope)

So I've moved offices. This means I now have an extra 20 minutes added to my commute - each way! Fucking sweet! Anyway, this means I get to sit on the subway every day instead of walking from Grand Central. This means more hilarity for you, the reader! How fucking pumped are you?! I can smell your collective boner from here! Anyway, every day I'll be posing an important question that comes to me from an observation made on the subway. Let's kick this bitch off!!!

So on the train this morning, riding on the subway, I see this couple get on at Penn Station. The gentlemen of the couple was a normal looking guy. Thin, fit, seemingly quite normal. The woman, however, was about the size of a Martha Dumptruck. She literally took up one and 2/3rds of a seat on the train. Anyway, they were looking at a map at one point, they might have been foreign - I would have listened to them speak, but I assumed she would sound like a Hutt. Mainly I was listening to The Tallest Man on Earth and it fucking rocked and I didn't want to stop listening to it. But so each one of her thighs was about as big and wide as my entire body.

Aside from wondering why the guy was with her (fat girls give good head? he's a eunuch? he's the most charitable guy alive?) , the question that came to me, that I probably should have asked them is as follows: When they're going at it, does he ever accidentally grab a stomach roll, thinking he's grabbed a can? And if he does, does she correct him, or does she just go with it hoping he doesn't notice? And if he does notice, what does he do? If they both kind of make knowing eye contact - whom is more embarrassed?

If you have any insight into this situation (if you or someone you know is a fat person), please email me and let me know.

Smokozuna

I probably deserve to die for that title. Whatevs.

For the first time that sumo wrestling's governing body can recall, one of its revered athletes has been nabbed for drug possession.

Yeah drug possession! What is it, coupla kilos of crack, maybe some black tar heroin, a toilet paper roll's worth of acid tabs maybe a little--

Police arrested [some fat bastard] this week after saying they found a third of a gram of marijuana in his wallet --

Excuse me, what? A third of a gram of marijuana? You fuckin' joshing me? To those of you who don't smoke the wacky tobacky:

1. What the fuck are you doing reading this blog?
2. A third of a gram of marijuana is just enough to get no one on the fucking planet high. Honestly, I probably have a third of a gram of marijuana shavings lining my pockets right now. And I'm not even wearing pants. A message to the...Sumo...Wrestling...League of Whatever-the-fuck: Step your drug-abuse game up. Here. These guys can help.

How is this even a news story? What's the penalty on a third of a gram? 45 minutes in jail, a kick in the shins--

Enough to land him in prison on a diet of forced labor for five years if he's convicted.

Kudos to CNN.com for slipping in a fat joke. Oh, and
WHA-WHA-WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???

Five fucking years in a fucking forced fucking labor fucking prison (fucking)? Excuse me for a moment, will you?

(Erases "Get High in Japan" from Bucket List)

Ok. Where were we? Ah yes, I did a little research on our "little" munchie-inducing sumo, and it turns out he's only like, 335 pounds. Pretty fuckin' weak for a sumo if you ask me. Here he is at his last match getting a fatass-whooping:

Step your fatass game up, son.

So this is the latest in a string of minor sumo offenses being blown way out of proportion, like when current sumo champion BlahblahSomethingJapanese lied about being hurt so he could skip an exhibition match, or when a bunch of sumos allegedly killed a teenaged sumo to death. Well, ok that last one's pretty bad. Point is, all of this negative shit is hurting the ancient, sacred practice of fat men rubbing bellies:

Fewer Japanese boys are entering the tough life of sumo, so the Sumo Association is recruiting foreigners like Wakanoho and Asashoryu.

And most recently, Billy-Bob "Takinakiwakiyahoo" Jenkins from Burnt Corn, Alabama:

He's single, ladies!

Attendance is down at the stadiums, as more Japanese embrace soccer and baseball.

What a shame. More people are turning to sports that require physical prowess, athleticism and actual skill. I'm sorry but any professional sport where this guy can become a champion is just not trying hard enough.

Old Ms. Leda Smith Gon' F*ck Yo Shit Right the Hell on Up.

So, you're a 17 year old vagrant in Point Marion, Pennsylvania. You and your boys have been burglarizing the neighborhood for a couple of weeks now, and it's been pretty sweet. You need some dough to buy Madden '09, and all the money from the McKenzie house robbery was spent on shitty weed and Colt 45's. You think to yourself, "we didn't hit up old lady Smith's house yet. She's probably got some cheddah. I'm gonna pay the old bitch a visit tonight."

Astronomical. Fucking. Mistake.

You scurry up to the side of the house. You try the window. It's open! "Hah," you think to yourself, "this is going to be like taking candy from an old person."

You're inside. You move stealthily, although you're sure you don't need to, 'cause old people are deaf as shit, and this bitch has been asleep for hours, and--

What was that?

Silence. Probably nothing. These old houses are creaky, probably just settling or--

'the fuck you think yo' doin here?

You spin around, and this is the sight that greets you: What's good, muh'fucka? What's REALLY good? Y'all been knockin' ova houses fo' a few weeks now, huh? You a big shot now, huh? Well, Mr. Big shot, I got news fo' you: ya keep knockin' at the Devil's door, sooner or later, someone gon' answer...y'sloppy lil' BITCH!

Alright, maybe it didn't go down exactly like that. The old lady probably cursed a bit more but, hey, this is a family site.

An 85-year-old woman boldly went for her gun and busted a would-be burglar inside her home, then forced him to call police while she kept him in her sights, police said.

I'm sorry but that is sooooo gangsta. She makes the kid report himself! Like,

Um, hello, 9-1-1? Yeah, um, I'm currently trying to rob 236 Clearfield Road. Yeah, down near the Little League field. Uh huh. Yeah. Me. No, I'm the one doing the robbery. Yes, I'm reporting myself. No, I don't work at TJ Maxx, what? Because the person I'm robbing told me to call you. Yeah, she's right here. Because she's holding a gun. Like, 93 years old. (I'm 85 and I look GREAT, muh'fucka!) Um, she's 85. (AND?) And she looks great...muh'fucka.

"I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun," Leda Smith said.

Yep. That's right. She snuck past the kid. How do you carry on in life, after getting housed SO badly by an 85 year old woman?!? I really wonder what happens to these people.

"I said 'What are you doing in my house?' He just kept saying he didn't do it," Smith said.

Ah, this offers us a little insight to how a 17 year old can be out-stealthed by an 85 year old: the kid is a complete fucking inbecile.

Really, "I didn't do it?" Motherfucker, you're standing here, in my house, at 2 AM! What do you mean, "you didn't do it?" You're CURRENTLY FUCKING DOING IT. Jeez...go protest Tropic Thunder some more, why don't ya.

"It was exciting," Smith said. "I just hope I broke up the (burglary) ring because they have been hitting a lot of places around here."

Way to kick all kindza ass, Ms. Leda Smith. Here, to honor your accomplishment, I present to you a celebratory parade of old bitches with firearms. And God bless us...every one.

I Guess It Must be Vengeful God's Shift

I said thou shalt not STEAL, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Yes, that's what I think God looks like. Anyhoo...

Michigan authorities say a shoplifting suspect died after being crushed in a trash compactor where she was hiding.

Wouldn't it be great if this was the way it always happened? Like, some douche cuts you off in traffic and his car immediately bursts into flames and runs off the road?

Mmmmmm...a girl can dream.

The Eaton County sheriff's department said two women fled a Lansing-area TJ Maxx discount store after spraying a security guard with Mace.

Yeesh...at least they she could've died trying to hold up a bank or something...a TJ Maxx hold-up isn't exactly something where you're like, "we may not make it out of this alive." Oh, and

WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY DOING HOLDING UP A TJ MAXX DISCOUNT STORE?

Really? Is the $17.25 they have in the register really worth risking jailtime, or worse...karmic death by trash compactor?

So there were two ladies involved in this stick-up, one who was immediately found hiding behind the trash compactor. Heh, everyone probably thought she was the stupid one...for a few minutes.

Shortly afterward, authorities got a call about a woman trapped in the trash compactor.

Uh, yeah hello, 9-1-1? Um, yeah, either a rat has learned English or there's a lady trapped in our trash compactor. Did we turn what off? Oh, the trash compactor? No. Heh, that woulda been pretty smart, huh? What? Oh, I work here at the TJ Maxx. What do you mean, "that makes sense?"

Bikini Baristas will boil your tea, also your face.

how about a hot cup of Rudy to go with that hot cup of joe?

A man dressed in a woman bra and panties drove up to a Java Girls, which is a coffee stand where the girls where bikinis (Note to self: find a Java Girls). Anyway, this guy drove up not once, not twice, but three times. I don't want to spoil the ending, But the source is here. And so here we go

Jamae Feddock, a bikini clad barista at Java Girls, said she first thought the man dressed in women’s underwear and exposing himself was a sick joke, until the man came back several times.

A couple of things here. 1. What the fuck does Jamae spell? and 2. Regardless of how many times he returned... isn't it still kind of a sick joke?

The first time he came to the window Feddock said he was wearing a white bra and white panties and touching himself inappropriately.

As opposed to appropriately touching himself. Like giving himself a pat on the back or clapping his hands in anticipation of the caffeinated joy he was about to receive. White bra and panties though? At least he was matching. Too bad they couldn't get a look at his feet, I wonder if he was wearing pumps or something sexy.

Then he came back a second time.
“He has underwear over his face, he's wearing hot pink panties now and the underwear that he was wearing is over his face and there's a little peephole so he can see,” Feddock said.

See, now that's just tacky. Though I do find it curious that Jamae deems it necessary to note the colors of each panty he happened to be donning as if that's going to be more helpful than say... the make and model of his car. Also, obviously he's going to have a peephole so he can see, he's driving a car for god's sake!

Feddock and another barista were working around 5 a.m. last Thursday when the incident happened. They tried to get a look at the man’s license plate, but that too was covered up with women’s underwear.

First and foremost, how awesome is it that you can get hot coffee at 5a.m. served to you by babes in bikinis? Also, that is some serious dedication, to cover your license plate with ladies undies. This is clearly a man who likes his panties. I bet he's like, a well respected doctor or something. We know those guys are nothing but trouble.

When the man came back a third time one of the baristas took a cup of 220 degree water and doused him with it.

Hmm... Well, I bet that showed him, the fucking pervert! Probably drove off in horrible agony!

“Kylie opened the door and threw boiling hot water on his face and his chest and he said oooh yeah,” Feddock said.

Hahahahahaha. I don't think you can even be mad, at that point. I think then you just kind of tip your cap and go "Well played sir." Though of course now he's probably shouting "I look like the hamburglar!"

Police agencies around Pierce County said they are seeing more and more incidents of indecent exposure -- as more coffee stands open -- many with women dressed provocatively -- or barely dressed at all.

See? You don't want some guy to drive up to you in ladies panties and start jerking off at you, stop dressing in bikinis! I think it's a perfectly logical way to think about this.

“I don't think we can make a quid pro quo there that this is causing the effect, and they certainly don't deserve that behavior, but we do have some of these stands that have been victimized by these activities,” said Det. Sgt. Jerry Bates a Pierce County Sheriff’s Deputy.

Oh, well I suppose my logic was a little flawed... maybe that explains why I'm not allowed at the beach any more.


Video of the whole thing here. Since they won't let me embed it, the fuckfaces.