You Did It Again Big Guy!!!!!!

Manuel Uribe, whom you may recall from such adventures as: trying to leave his house! Or, Getting fork-lifted to the beach! is at it again. This time? Marriage.

I love you even though you have several breasts and they're all larger than mine!

The world's most obese man is getting hitched. Manuel Uribe says he will wed longtime girlfriend Claudia Solis on Oct. 26 in Monterrey, Mexico. The two will be married in a civil ceremony at a location still to be decided.

"The happiest day of my life was when I said "I do" and then the fork-life operator pulled up a little bit so we could kiss." How do you get around that? The guy is too fat to walk. It's going to be a little tough to get a suitable location that is both romantic and not insanely embarrassing.

Uribe is unable to walk, and leaving his house means being towed through the streets on his specially made bed.

See?

Uribe and Solis have been dating for the last two years. "We are in love," he said. Solis added: "I bathe him every day, and we get along very well. At times, yes, people say things ... that it's a fake relationship, but what we have is real."

At times people say things, like "Is there even a like minute chance that this relationship is remotely physical in any way?" "Does rooting through several layers of epidermis and fat just to find his dirty penis for daily bathing turn you on?" Look. I'm not trying to be mean. These are just questions I think we all want to know. Don't look at me like I'm an asshole. You know you're curious too, you self-righteous fuck. Also, I can't imagine telling a woman who is with a seven hundred pound man that her relationship is fake. She most probably has to seriously love him to stay with him for like 5 minutes, let alone several years. And for him, she bathes him and feeds him. So I guess if people said the relationship was fake in the sense that it was maybe more like she had a pet seven hundred pound man rather than a fiance, well maybe I'd buy that.

"I get lots of e-mails from people saying they are inspired by my progress and I want to get the word out about healthy eating. I'm not against people who sell junk food, but you've got to be informed not to eat it," he said.

See? It's not all fat jokes and me being a prick. That's pretty awesome - and I say that a concerned human being, not as someone who just plain hates fat people. Though I hope there's maybe some stuff lost in translation here, because if those are his words of wisdom, Susan Powter he is not. Unless maybe he gets really specific emails that illicit that type of response.

Dear Manuel, I'm inspired by your progress and trying to lose weight. Fuck Pringles, and fuck Shop Rite for allowing my fat ass to buy them, can I get an Amen? Anyway any words of wisdom for one of your biggest(lol) fans?

Love, Berbalerbs' Obese Sister Clarabell

Dear Clarabell,

Don't hate on Pringles, there's nothing wrong with the people who make them or sell them, just be informed not to eat them and perhaps do not buy them.

Eloquently,

Manny

Of course this is all assuming he's got his typing stick. Because otherwise an email from him would probably go something like this:

rgafhntdzsnstrkouilguiytr456senjhmn rgn xdbh

Dr. Pemulis's Good-Time Family Subway Solution: Mouthbreathers!

So on the subway this morning, I notice a young, portly gentleman sitting across the way from me. What jumped out immediately was that, aside from being quite rotund, his jaw appeared to rest on his chest for all 5 or so stops I had on the train. This makes you look like a slack-jawed yokel. What I've never understood about mouth breathers is this: is this something innate? Or is it conditioning or what? Are you born predestined to be a mouth breather, or does it take years of white trash upbringing? Perhaps wikipedia will shed some light on the sitch.

A healthy individual normally breathes through the nose while resting or doing light exercise, and breathes simultaneously through both the nose and mouth during vigorous aerobic exercise, in order to supply sufficient oxygen. Excessive mouth breathing is problematic because air is not filtered and warmed as much as when inhaled through the nose, as it bypasses the nasal canal and paranasal sinuses, and dries out the mouth. Mouth breathing is often associated with congestion, obstruction, or other abnormalities of the upper respiratory tract. Mouth breathing is a diagnostic sign of adenoiditis especially with persistent rhinorrhea. Comorbidities include asthma, obesity, snoring, halitosis, and obstructive sleep apnea.

So either you're a great big fat person or your sinuses are fucked. But at least in addition to making you look like a fucking idiot it makes your breath stink! Hurray!

Mouth breathing in public is sometimes considered to be less socially acceptable or attractive than nose breathing, as mouth breathers can appear to have a somewhat "slack jawed" look, and mouth breathing can cause or exacerbate bad breath. Consequently, the term "mouth breather" may be used in a pejorative sense for someone lacking in hygiene or intelligence.

Looks like the internets agrees. You look like a goddamn moron, knock it off. I also wonder if this is a treatable thing. Can you just be like, more conscious so that assholes on the subway don't judge to be mentally deficient? Like, can't you just shut your stupid hick mouth or does gravity affect your dumb face differently than normal folk like me? You know what I want early in the morning on a crowded subway? To smell your halitosis! Thanks asshole! Do they make purrell for noses yet? Or better yet, is it illegal to mace someone for being a mouth breather?

New Feature! Pemulis's Daily Dish! Less Gay Name Coming Soon (Let's Hope)

So I've moved offices. This means I now have an extra 20 minutes added to my commute - each way! Fucking sweet! Anyway, this means I get to sit on the subway every day instead of walking from Grand Central. This means more hilarity for you, the reader! How fucking pumped are you?! I can smell your collective boner from here! Anyway, every day I'll be posing an important question that comes to me from an observation made on the subway. Let's kick this bitch off!!!

So on the train this morning, riding on the subway, I see this couple get on at Penn Station. The gentlemen of the couple was a normal looking guy. Thin, fit, seemingly quite normal. The woman, however, was about the size of a Martha Dumptruck. She literally took up one and 2/3rds of a seat on the train. Anyway, they were looking at a map at one point, they might have been foreign - I would have listened to them speak, but I assumed she would sound like a Hutt. Mainly I was listening to The Tallest Man on Earth and it fucking rocked and I didn't want to stop listening to it. But so each one of her thighs was about as big and wide as my entire body.

Aside from wondering why the guy was with her (fat girls give good head? he's a eunuch? he's the most charitable guy alive?) , the question that came to me, that I probably should have asked them is as follows: When they're going at it, does he ever accidentally grab a stomach roll, thinking he's grabbed a can? And if he does, does she correct him, or does she just go with it hoping he doesn't notice? And if he does notice, what does he do? If they both kind of make knowing eye contact - whom is more embarrassed?

If you have any insight into this situation (if you or someone you know is a fat person), please email me and let me know.