Ghetto STUPID-star is More Like It! Huh? HUH?????

But you see, the difference in real life is...Welp, I guess there isn't.

He shot a man twice and felt so good about it, police said, a rapper wrote a song describing the shooting and calling out the victim by name.

BERBALERBS POP QUIZ!!!!
Will the consequence for indicting one's self via club banger be:
1) Grammy Award for "Best Admission of a Felony by Artist or Group"
2) 3 Album deal with Def Jam Records and a date with Rhianna's slightly fatter younger sister
3) 20 years in jail
4) Q&A with recording legend Berberock

Tick...tick...tick...Times Up!

A judge sentenced 25-year-old Rico Todriquez Wright Monday to spend the next 20 years in prison after his victim mentioned the hip hop confession to police.

So, ok, being a rapper myself (stop laughing) I'm going to try and explain (seriously, I am, stop laughing) this type of behavior from a hip hop artist (seriously, now I'm getting offended. I rap. Really. No, fucking really!!! I hate you.). A big part of a rapper's appeal is his "swagger," which is based on a number of factors. Some of these factors include the amount of money one has, the amount of attractive members of the opposite sex one has copulated with, the level of hardship one had to endure while growing up, and one's "realness" as dictated by one's actions. (Here's a helpful supplement to this equation, an academic look at the art of "battle rapping.")

So, to recap:

Money ($) + Women (P) + "Realness" (R) = Swagger

Swagger = Hip Hop Artist's Appeal

Good? Good.

The problem is, most rappers when they first begin "spittin hot fi-ya" or "eatin sucka MCs fo' a late night snack," they don't have very much money, and invariably this means they aren't fraternizing with the highest quality of sexual partners.

The only thing left is "realness."

Take, for example, the fact that I used to sell drugs. That's right, I used to sling dope. Sounds pretty cool right? It is pretty cool until you learn that I was selling ganj with some people I went to school with to our friends. I was in as much danger as one would be going to the movies to see "Role Model" or something. THE FACT REMAINS, HOWEVER that I was a drug dealer. Making me more "real." Point: me.

NOW, if you are "real" enough to actually shoot someone, then hell-yesiree Bob you're going to want to rap about it. Now, you miiiiiight want to consider leaving out some details, as shooting someone miiiiiiight be a teensie bit illegal, and naming the person who you shot while not at all trying to hid your own identity miiiiight land you 20 years of being some dude named Big Ed's bitch.

Blue told police he recognized Wright's voice on a CD, rapping "Chad Blue knows how I shoot."

sigh

Oh Rico...Rico, Rico, Rico. "Chad Blue knows how I shoot?" You're going to jail for 20 fucking years because of a line in your song (swagger points OFF THE CHART), and the line is "Chad Blue knows how I shoot"? Where's the zest? Where's the pinache, the joi de vive, the other French words I can't say or spell or translate?

"Chad Blue knows how I shoot."

Pathetic.

School District Allows Teachers to Carry Guns. Guess Which State?

In the latest challenge to the rest of the world's taint-brained idiots, Texas, the state that gave us Hold 'Em Poker and killing retards, just stepped it up a notch.

In an effort to protect against gun violence, a small Texas school district has decided to flood their schools with firearms. Ow, fuck!

Sorry. That just left my brain butt-hurt.

School experts backed [David "Complete Fucking Dumbass"] Thweatt's claim that Harrold, a system of about 110 students 150 miles northwest of Fort Worth, may be the first to let teachers bring guns to the classroom.

A few items:

1. Kill yourself with a blunt object, David Thweatt. Or you can use a gun...there's now one available in EVERY CLASSROOM.
2. Of fucking COURSE you're the first ones to do this, it's a FUCKTARDED idea. If you were to allow teacher/student dating at your elementary school , you'd have another "first." Doesn't mean it's "pioneering."
3. There are 110 students in the system. Not in a school. Not in a grade. From Pre-K to 12th (like Texans even need a 12th grade, but whatevs, it's there) there are one hundred and ten students. Are you really afraid one of the 3 kids in your 8th grade math class is going to go on a massacre?
4. If I were an 8th grade math student who wanted to go on a massacre, a good place to do it would be this district, 'cause there's already a FUCKING GUN AVAILABLE IN EVERY CLASSROOM.

It's terrible that I'm giddily anticipating this, but I almost can't WAIT until a 9 year is blown away by his slack-jawed gym teacher for "runnin' at me all menacin'-like." Seriously, present me with a scenario where arming Texan teachers with semi-autos in a tiny backwoods-ass school district produces a positive outcome and you win a prize.

"We have a lock-down situation, we have cameras, but the question we had to answer is, 'What if somebody gets in? What are we going to do?" he said. "It's just common sense."

What...if..."someone"...gets in? How the fuck is that a question you "had" to answer?
HEY QUEEF-FOR-BRAINS, THERE'S 110 STUDENTS IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING DISTRICT, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU'VE EVEN SEEN A STRANGER YOU COW TIPPING SISTER FUCKING BUMPED-YOUR-HEAD-DIVING-INTO-THE-SHALLOW-END-OF-THE-GENE-POOL CUD FUCKERS???

There hasn't been, to my knowledge, one single fucking instance in the history of this nation where some random dude(s) ran up into a school and shot people for the fuck of it. It's approximately 10,000,000,000,000.001% more likely to be someone from the inside, like a student...or a recently armed teacher.

Old Ms. Leda Smith Gon' F*ck Yo Shit Right the Hell on Up.

So, you're a 17 year old vagrant in Point Marion, Pennsylvania. You and your boys have been burglarizing the neighborhood for a couple of weeks now, and it's been pretty sweet. You need some dough to buy Madden '09, and all the money from the McKenzie house robbery was spent on shitty weed and Colt 45's. You think to yourself, "we didn't hit up old lady Smith's house yet. She's probably got some cheddah. I'm gonna pay the old bitch a visit tonight."

Astronomical. Fucking. Mistake.

You scurry up to the side of the house. You try the window. It's open! "Hah," you think to yourself, "this is going to be like taking candy from an old person."

You're inside. You move stealthily, although you're sure you don't need to, 'cause old people are deaf as shit, and this bitch has been asleep for hours, and--

What was that?

Silence. Probably nothing. These old houses are creaky, probably just settling or--

'the fuck you think yo' doin here?

You spin around, and this is the sight that greets you: What's good, muh'fucka? What's REALLY good? Y'all been knockin' ova houses fo' a few weeks now, huh? You a big shot now, huh? Well, Mr. Big shot, I got news fo' you: ya keep knockin' at the Devil's door, sooner or later, someone gon' answer...y'sloppy lil' BITCH!

Alright, maybe it didn't go down exactly like that. The old lady probably cursed a bit more but, hey, this is a family site.

An 85-year-old woman boldly went for her gun and busted a would-be burglar inside her home, then forced him to call police while she kept him in her sights, police said.

I'm sorry but that is sooooo gangsta. She makes the kid report himself! Like,

Um, hello, 9-1-1? Yeah, um, I'm currently trying to rob 236 Clearfield Road. Yeah, down near the Little League field. Uh huh. Yeah. Me. No, I'm the one doing the robbery. Yes, I'm reporting myself. No, I don't work at TJ Maxx, what? Because the person I'm robbing told me to call you. Yeah, she's right here. Because she's holding a gun. Like, 93 years old. (I'm 85 and I look GREAT, muh'fucka!) Um, she's 85. (AND?) And she looks great...muh'fucka.

"I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun," Leda Smith said.

Yep. That's right. She snuck past the kid. How do you carry on in life, after getting housed SO badly by an 85 year old woman?!? I really wonder what happens to these people.

"I said 'What are you doing in my house?' He just kept saying he didn't do it," Smith said.

Ah, this offers us a little insight to how a 17 year old can be out-stealthed by an 85 year old: the kid is a complete fucking inbecile.

Really, "I didn't do it?" Motherfucker, you're standing here, in my house, at 2 AM! What do you mean, "you didn't do it?" You're CURRENTLY FUCKING DOING IT. Jeez...go protest Tropic Thunder some more, why don't ya.

"It was exciting," Smith said. "I just hope I broke up the (burglary) ring because they have been hitting a lot of places around here."

Way to kick all kindza ass, Ms. Leda Smith. Here, to honor your accomplishment, I present to you a celebratory parade of old bitches with firearms. And God bless us...every one.