Jail Rule Number 1: Watch Your Ass

In an attempt to make a late bid for "stupidest country of 2008," Egypt decided to jail a donkey for 24 hours for stealing corn. For fucking serious realzies.

An Egyptian donkey has been jailed for stealing corn on the cob from a field belonging to an agricultural research institute in the Nile Delta, local media reported on Thursday.

Let this one marinade with you for a minute.

Now, one assumes that jail time is reserved for individuals who commit crimes, yes? To teach them a lesson, yes? Rehabilitate them, even. So we must assume that the judge decided (after a cross-examination?) that the donkey knowingly "stole" corn from a private field and did so with malicious intent. Therefore, to teach the donkey that one cannot steal and be considered a valued, productive member of society the judge decided...to...jail the donkey...for 24 hours...so that...um...it wouldn't steal any more corn?

Pardon me.

(Shoots self in face)

That's better. Ahem, where were we?

The ass and its owner were apprehended at a police checkpoint that had been set up after the institute's director complained that someone was stealing his crops, the state-owned Al-Ahram daily said.

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Need to see some ID.







Donkey: Uh, sure officer...let me just grab that for you...
(searches nervously through man purse) So, uh, heh, hot enough out here for you? Heh, hehe--



Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Just show me some ID, sir.

Donkey: Yes sir, officer... (continues to search) It's...heh, it's crazy I don't know where I put my...heh, got so much stuff in here, y'know?

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Sir, let me see that bag.

Donkey: I'm sorry, why do you need to--

Officer McO'Malleynanigans: Sir what I do NOT need is trouble from you. What I DO need is to take a look at that bag, so (reaches for bag)

Donkey: NO!

(bag falls to the ground, stolen corn spills out)

Donkey: (sighs, assumes the position)

The unnamed ungulate was found in possession of the institute's corn and a local judge sentenced him to 24 hours in prison. The man who had his ass thrown in jail got off with a fine of 50 Egyptian pounds (nine dollars, six euros).

First, I'd just like to "big up" whoever wrote this article. It takes an individual of a certain stature to commit fully to ass puns throughout a report for a reputable National News Thingy. Second, I just can't fucking get over the fact that a judge sentenced a pack animal to jailtime. And it's owner got a lesser sentence!!! So not only did this judge find a pea-brained animal guilty for intentionally unlawful behavior, he also decided that the human that owned the animal was less guilty than the fucking oblivious animal. I hope the judge reprimanded the donkey.

"Sir, I have a donkey, myself. A good, law-abiding donkey that loves his family and his country and wants to make them proud. You are an INSULT to him, sir. An INSULT!!! Do you have anything to say for yourself?!?"

"Um, hee-haw?"

Unfortunately, this story doesn't have a happy ending. Although it was only one night, the donkey didn't escape without a taste of the harsh realities of life in an Egyptian prison...

Alright Everyone, Just Stay Calm, This is a Robbe--AWWWWWW GOD STOP HITTING ME!!!

Every once in a while, we here at the 'Mauf like to sprinkle in a little education along with our endless entertainment.

Today's lesson: How not to get your dumb ass beat whilst robbin' up a joint.

Simply put: Avoid Forest Park, Georgia.

A group of robbery victims fought back against an armed man Tuesday, sending him first to the hospital and then to jail.

This is Shawn Henderson, the robber-turned-ass-whoopin-recipient in question. His hair is very pretty. You know who else had pretty hair like that?

BERBALERBS ASPIRING CRIMINAL HOT TIP #1: If you resemble members of an androgynous Pop Music act from the 90's, you should consider not robbing a ghetto ass rental store.

Police said Shawn Henderson, 21, pulled a gun on employees at the Aaron's Rent to Own at 4634 Jonesboro Rd. as the store was getting ready to open.

For the purpose of me having something to write about today, we're going to assume Aaron's Rent to Own is a ghetto-ass establishment.

Last Year's Company Picnic Photo

So he walks up in there like,

Shawn: Aight everyone, listen up! This here's a stickup! Everybody get your hands up!

DeSheenia: Oh no the hell he di'n't. It is 8:30 in the muh'fuckin' mornin' and I am NOT dealin' wif some broke n***a tryin' cause some shit dis early!

Shawn: I said EVERYBODY GET YOUR HANDS UP!

Ray-Ray: I heard you the first time, n***a, chill! Hey Tremaine, he ain't got back up, do he?

Tremaine: (checks out window) Nah. N***a a regular one man army up in here.

(Shawn removes mask)

Shawn: Guys, what the HELL? Don't you see I have a gun here? Now, everybody--

Ray Ray: PFFFFFFFFFTAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! N***a look like Milli Vanilli!

Shawn: What? No I don't!

Tremaine: OH SHIT he DO kinda look like Milli Vanilli!

Shawn: Guys--

Ray Ray: Ayo, do the dance, n***a, come on lemme see dat shit

Shawn: Guys, I'm not dancing--

Tremaine: (singing) "Girl you know it's TRUE! Ooo Ooo Ooo" Hahaha c'mon n***a do the dance!

Ray Ray: Yeah man, he's singin' for you an' errythang!

Shawn: I'm NOT dancing, now--

DeSheenia: (returning from smoking cigarette outside) Dis n***a still up in here? OH SNAP! You know who he look like?

Shawn: I do NOT look like Milli Vanilli!!!

DeSheenia: I was gon' say Shanaynay from "Martin," but YEAH, n***a do got dat Milli Vanilli vibe goin' on...

Shawn: Listen bitch, you better--

(DeSheenia tackles Shawn to the ground, begins to yell at him, accentuating each word with a punch to the face)

DeSheenia: (punching while talking) DON'T

YOU

NEVA

EVA

CALL

ME

BITCH

EVA

EVA

EVA-IN-YO-LIFE!

Shawn: Why is this happening to me??? (coughs up blood)

Tremaine: Blame it on the rain, n***a.

After his release from the hospital police charged him with armed robbery, false imprisonment, kidnapping, possession of a firearm during the commission of a felony, aggravated assault, carrying a pistol without a license, battery, and unlawfully wearing a mask or hood in public.

Ain't that a bitch.

Oh and hoods are illegal to wear in Georgia? Somebody tell these fuckos.

Somewhere, A Dan Brown Novel is Brewing.

Now, if you find yourself in a position to commit a crime and you know there is a good chance you will be caught, aside from the obvious idea of maybe not committing the crime, the other less best idea is to have a brilliantly well thought out explanation for whatever it is that you're doing. An even lesserest best idea would be to come up with a story so bats it sounds like the plot of Dan Brown's next book(may he rest in peace).

It wasn't the preferred way to enter the Knoxville Museum of Art, but Richard Anthony Smith told police he was on a mission. The 25-year-old Knoxville man called 911 from his cell phone before dawn Wednesday saying he was trapped in an air conditioning duct leading from the museum roof, Knoxville police spokesman Darrell DeBusk said.

A man on a mission. This man:

Police and firefighters reached the roof, found a rope and cable and followed them to a vent shaft. Peering inside, they spotted Smith about 45 feet down.
"Mission failed," he told them.

Now I'm sure you are sitting there assuming either his mission was to fix their air conditioning or to make his way into the museum to find his roots, hoping to find some ancient tribe of androgynous perv-y looking cavemen or whatever. But no, it's an art museum, dummy, that latter idea doesn't make any sense. The girlish man you see above this text is actually...

Hoisted up and read his rights, Smith told police he was a "special agent from the United States Illuminati, badge number 0931" and had rappelled onto the museum from a helicopter, a police report said.

...retarded. If he had said special agent Dale Cooper, I'd have been on his side, maybe. Also, when he told them his badge number, did he present them with some kind of badge? Or when concocting this plot was he just like, "Well, if I give them a specific badge number, they probably won't even ask to see the badge." Also, this plot was well thought out enough to have you helicoptered in but there was no one other than the police to call to get you out of there? And you'd think someone in the Illuminati would be enlightened enough to work his way out of an air conditioning duct. But so let's just indulge him, because why not. What exactly was your mission, Ace?

He said he was following orders to "defuse and confiscate" a Soviet-made nuclear warhead, specifically a "MERV6SS-22AN" warhead, according to the report. The bomb supposedly was hidden in a blue, plastic cow sculpture in the museum basement, he said.

...

...

...

Because Knoxville Museum of Arts is in cahoots with the Soviets! You can't just go through regular channels like the police or like a curator or something. And besides, everyone knows there's no basement in the Knoxville Museum of Art!!! I wonder if the temptation is, as the arresting officer, to march this guys stupid ass down to the basement and literally kill the shit out him with a plastic blue cow, or if you just call him an ass clown and arrest his attempted burglarizin' ass. Pop quiz hot shot. There's a bomb in your blue cow. What do you do? What do you do?

However, Smith told officers his "agency" called while he was in air-vent limbo to say it made a mistake and the bomb might be in a Memphis museum instead.

What's funny is that when his agency called while he was in air-vent limbo (?) is that there's no explanation as to why he wouldn't have been like "Oh hai! btw I can has halp to gets outta hair vent?! K Thx Bai." And yes, the Illuminati invented Lolspeak, and is run by ceiling cat. Was there ever any doubt?

Police charged Smith with aggravated robbery. He was being held on $2,000 bond at the Knox County Jail. Authorities said he did not have a lawyer.

Smith then went on to say the whole agent thing was just a cover story. In truth he'd been having a helluva hard time getting tickets to Mary Lee Bendolph's Gee’s Bend Quilts and Beyond Exhibit and figured the only way he'd ever see it was to break in. Because like who doesn't fucking love quilts?

Maybe the Best Thing Ever

Be sure to watch all the way through. This guy at Shea was drunk and passed out and the people in his section did the baseball game equivalent of drawing wieners all over his face.

But I'm Too Fat To Die!

Now, if one is on death row, I suppose it would be pretty tough to find solid reasons for eating well or trying to stay in shape. I would then posit, that it would be reasonable to see oneself growing to fat too execute by lethal injection. I would also... wait. What? So this guy is trying to cheat death by way of overeating? He's now saying the weight gain was unintentional, but this is a murderapist a few weeks away from death, so it's like don't you have to take whatever he says re his own fate with like, a silo of salt?

I'm also too handsome to die!

Richard Cooey said in a death row interview that his execution cannot be carried out humanely under current state procedures because his veins are hard to reach.

Vein access! You can't kill me! My veins are finicky! I guess here's as good a spot as any to interject that I'm anti-capital punishment. Well, let me clarify that a little. I'm anti-humane capital punishment. It seems that if your best argument for the death penalty is that it's a deterrent from more killings or whatever, should you want to send a fucking strong-ass message to potential criminals? "You murder and rape two people (not necessarily in that order) and you are going to die...quickly and painlessly, eventually, unless you put on some weight and we can't get at those pesky veins." Bush league. Executions should be brutal and unbearable to watch. Like why bother if you're going to half ass it?

Cooey, 5-foot, 7 inches tall and 267 pounds, said he has gained perhaps 70 pounds while being locked up for raping and killing two University of Akron students 22 years ago while he was on leave from the U.S. Army. He blamed the weight gain on medication and lack of exercise.

I guess my question here is like what medication are we taxpayers paying for this gentleman to be taking while on death row for murder and rape. Also, if you're the prison, can't you be like "Hmmm this asshole is starting to plump up a little, maybe we should change his diet so he can't like bail on his death sentence when it comes up" Also what are they feeding these death row inmates? And can't they like, force him to exercise or something? I mean being a death row-y guy should be tantamount to being a slave. I know the scenario you are doubtlessly envisioning: "Hey Cooey, paint my fence!" "Fuck you, what are you going to do, kill me?" But I say to you this: If that happens you punch the shit out of his face or solar plexus or wherever you want, and get a little aggression out. You win either way!

"It's hard getting access to my veins," said Cooey, who was handcuffed and locked in a closet-sized visiting room. He spoke through a straw-sized slit in a reinforced glass partition.

How often have they been trying to access his fat veins? Do they practice weekly so they don't fuck up come game time? And visitation closet? What are they afraid he's going to... oh yea.

Cooey said he has heard secondhand about comedians' jokes about the Ohio inmate who claims he's too fat to be executed.

News travels fast on death row.

But he says that ridicule reflects ignorance of his underlying claim that it's the inaccessibility of his veins that makes it difficult to get an IV inserted for a lethal injection.

Or maybe the ridicule reflects that people don't like your fat, rape-y, murder-y ass and want you to die. You dumbass.

The legal challenge is based on constitutional issues and not fear of execution, Cooey said. "It has nothing to do with weight gain," he said. Instead of lethal injection, "If it would make people happy, shoot me in the head with a .45," Cooey said. "Do it legally."

Now you're on the trolley!! Get this man an ice cream cone. And get me whatever a .45 is!

Cooey and a co-defendant kidnapped Wendy Offredo, 21, and Dawn McCreery, 20, after disabling their car by dropping a chunk of concrete on it from a highway overpass. They choked and beat the women to death after repeatedly raping them, then carved X's in their abdomens.

On second thought, can't we argue for like, drawing and quartering people again?

Cooey deflected questions about remorse and said his past comments about the victims and their families had been misunderstood. "I can't come out good," he said.

"You miss understood me when I said I enjoyed raping and murdering your daughter. What I meant was that I enjoyed raping her, but she saw me so I had to kill her. The drawing an X thing was supposed to represent the X-cruciating inner struggle I had when I realized I had to kill her. Oh, so I'm the asshole now?"

Cooey wouldn't say whether he would have something to say in the death chamber. He indicated there might be a new legal challenge to his execution, but he wouldn't detail any strategy because he didn't want to tip off prosecutors.

Didn't want to ruin the surprise. I bet it'll be something like "Death is but a doorway, time is but a window, I'll be back." And what strategy could he possibly tip off to the prosecution? Your whole case is that you're too fat to get lethal injection. Pretty straight-forward, in this man's humble opinion.

Cooey, who would not discuss his prison life or his family, has been on death row since 1986.

So, he's had over two decades to get this fat? Justice is swift my friends. Unless it gets winded after a flight of stairs or whatever.

Brent Cocklog's Cockblog: Some People are Alive Solely Because it's Illegal to Kill Them VOL. 1

Hello, all you people too poor to buy the New York Times and too lazy to find a copy of the Onion! Time for some newsy news!!!:)))))))

This segment is called "Some People are Alive Solely Because it's Illegal to Kill Them," because it's true! I've met no less than 200 in my life that I would've immediately buried a knife into if it weren't for all those pesky legal limitations! Ready to meet #201?!?!?!?!?!?!!??:(j/k:))))

COCKBLOG: SPAASBIITKT

(that's the abbreviated version)

It's a rainy day for the Manhattan restaurateur who sued a supermodel claiming she intentionally damaged his designer umbrella, said to be worth $5,000.

Well, we've got a 2 for 1 deal here! I'd kill the restauranteur and the idiot who wrote that tag line...if it weren't illegal!

Honestly...a designer umbrella? Why the d*ck f*rt would you spend $5,000 on something that's sole purpose is to get f*cked up? Maybe it just went well with his $50,000 Gucci mud flaps for his pickup truck.

Balan claimed he lent supermodel Le Call

"Le Call?" You mean to suggest that there is a supermodel whose name is French for "The Call?" I don't advocate violence towards women who know their place, never have and never will, but someone really needs to slap this b*tch with my penis, like NOWSIES.

his limited-edition leather umbrella designed by Jean-Paul (ZHON'-Pawl) Gaultier (GOL'-tee-yay)

I guess that's for all you mouth-breathers who thought it was pronounced (GEEN-Pawl Golly-Gosh-Gee-Sister-F*cker)

and she belatedly returned it to him in two pieces.
This is Le Call. Now I don't know about you, but there are a few things I could think of that would make me forget all about that umbrella, if ya know what I mean...Huh? Ya know what I mean? Huh? HUH?

Balan, owner of

Buttsex. With her. Is what I was referencing before.

Balan, owner of the celeb magnet Nello's, sought $1 million in the lawsuit and claimed emotional distress over the damaged umbrella.

Now I usually refrain from calling gay fairy queens fags, but COME ON FAG! Can you imagine this guy? He's all,

Omigod! I don't have my fancy ZHON'-Pawl GOL'-tee-yaaaaay umbrella!!! I know it's not raining, but I look TOTES cute holding it and my gay friend Ferocia likes to sodomize me with it!!! I'm all GOl'-tee-YAAAAAAAYSODOMIZEMEI'MGODLESSYAAAAAAAY

I'm paraphrasing, of course, but it's pretty close to what actually went on, I bet.

And why is emotional stress always valued at $1 million? It seems like that's the standard "stress fee" or something. Can you imagine walking into a courtroom and trying to keep a straight face while you explained to the judge who may or may not have just presided over a triple homicide case that you deserved 7 figures because you decided to entrust a supermodel (FOOD CHAIN: Pigeons > Dung Beetles > Corpses > Supermodels) with a $5,000 umbrella that you purposefully chose to buy and SOO-F*CKING-PRIZE she messed it up?

State Supreme Court Justice Joan A. Madden threw out Nello Balan's lawsuit Friday. She also fined Balan's attorney $500 for filing a frivolous claim and said motions the attorney filed were a "waste of judicial resources."

That's a good start, but I'd have really liked to see the judge mandate that the Plaintiff punch himself in the face until he died from it. Oh and in case you were wondering whether or not Nello Balan was a douche,

Malakakabookiebakaladapaodababalalla Cartoon Mouse.

That roughly translates to "I'm a crazy fuckwit who spends his days declaring jihad on a cartoon mouse." Didn't know I could speak crazy fuckwit talk, did you?

Mickey Mouse is a soldier of satan and must die, says a Muslim cleric.

See I need to become a Muslim. They have all the very best crazy fuckwits. Christian fuckwits are just infuriating. No flair, no pizzazz. No calling for the death of fictional characters.

This is Sheikh Muhammad Munajid. He's a television personality in Saudi Arabia. Apparently, if you spout bat-shit-craziness in the Middle East, you get a TV show. Here, you just get the change in my pocket (except for my quarters, of course). I should be fair to Mr. Munajid, though. All of his comments aren't as crazy as waging holy war on an animated rodent in suspenders.

Some are perfectly rational, well-formed opinions about how the Tsunami that devistated Asia in 2005 was due to too much Cristal on New Years.

"The problem is that the [Christian] holidays are accompanied by forbidden things, by immorality, abomination, adultery, alcohol, drunken dancing, and … and revelry. A belly dancer costs 2500 pounds per minute and a singer costs 50,000 pounds per hour, and they hop from one hotel to another from night to dawn.

NO! Vagabonds hopping from hotel to hotel, shamelessly whoring their...**shudders** singing and dancing services **vomits on self** to strangers. STRANGERS!

And belly dancers really run 2500 pounds a minute? Is there some time in the Boom-Boom Room accompanied with this fee? Don't get me wrong, I like those little finger cymbals as much as the next red-blooded Saudi... but I digress.

Initially I thought this Fatwa upon Mickey was a little harsh. I mean, I know Mickey personally, although it's been a while since we shot the shit. We were drinking buddies back in the late 90s (Mick's fav. drinking game was a Power Hour accompanied by the Chumbawumba song "Tubthumper" on repeat. It was fun, then annoying, then really fun, then unbearable, then sloppy).

Mick was always a pretty laid back amicable guy. I mean, occasionally he'd have a few too many shots of Cuervo, start hitting on a married chick, and end up breaking a bottle over someone's head, but that's pretty tame for an individual at his level of fame.

I checked up on Mick recently. Maybe Munajid's right...

This is a recent pic of the Mouse from his myspace page...Looks like tough times. I don't want to start any rumors, especially not about an old friend, but Mickey sorta looks like something that rhymes with "child rapist."

I tried to contact Mickey, but his phone seems to have been shut off. Then I heard about a new expose that's going to air on TMZ. Here are some stills...

Mickey spotted leaving Amy Winehouse's flat in London.

Mickey on PCP binge in LA

Mickey at Neverland Ranch.

Oh...and then there's this:So yeah...pretty bad.

Tom and Jerry have also incurred the wrath of Sheikh Muhammad Munajid who fears they are corrupting Islamic youth.

Well, this is no real shocker. T&J have always been about S&M.

Fuckin' pervs.

You know, this dude Munajid actually doesn't seem too bad. I mean, his jihad really shed some light on Mick's situation, and now perhaps he can begin to heal. Maybe this crazy fuckwit Sheikh isn't so bad after all...

The Saudi Arabian cleric also recently denounced the Beijing Games as the “bikini Olympics” because of the female athletes’ skimpy costumes which, he said, made Satan happy.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA. Now, I'm down to denounce a lot of shit, but if you have a problem with this

Then your penis likes to play with other penises. Of course it made Satan happy! Why the hell wouldn't it? It made me happy! It made Bill Clinton happy! It made God, Jesus, Buddah, Mohammed, Oprah, St. Peter and this guy happy too!

Gay-ass Sheikh with his gay-ass jihad.