SERIOUSLY? F*CK THIS KID

So as you may already know, I'm in a bit of a...mood, especially when it comes to anything relationship-y. I glare at couples that get all PDA-y on the subway. I change the channel when I see a romantic movie on TV. I shy away from hanging out with my couple-friends.

I curse the shit out of 9 year olds who think they've got this "girls" thing figured out. Y'know. Little of this. Little of that.

He's only 9, but this pint-sized pickup artist already knows plenty about pleasing the ladies.

In light of recent events, I'm not exactly the expert on "the ladies," but let me unequivocally tell you that NO, no this little fucktwat doesn't know plenty about "pleasing the ladies." And if he does, his parents should be arrested. Fucking pervs.

Alec Greven's dating primer, "How to Talk to Girls" - which began as a handwritten, $3 pamphlet sold at his school book fair - hit the shelves nationwide last week.

Ok ferreals? I know this is all just as fucking adorable as all get-out, and good for him and all this, but if I ever see this kid I'm going to boot him like I'm trying to make a game-winning 54 yard field goal with 0:03 left on the clock in the Super Bowl.

In a related story, I'm not bitter.

The fourth-grader from Castle Rock, Colo., advises Lothario wannabes to stop showing off,

WRONG shitstain! Bitches love it when I do a forward round-off for them in the club. Having done multiple years of gymnastics as a child is SEXY to the ladies and so not gay that it literally, physically hurts.

go easy on the compliments to avoid looking desperate

Well...ok. I mean I guess this is how a 9 year old would say "don't love these ho's." So yea...I'll give him this one.

- and be wary of "pretty girls."

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Ok so fine, that's another valid point. I'm still all like, "fuck this kid." Not in the literal sense though. That's fucking gross. You pervert.

"It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry," he writes in Chapter Three.

Ooo, ooo, um, also? Um, they're also fucking physically attractive dipshit! And maybe it changes through the years, or from locale to locale, because big earrings and fancy dresses around the greater New York area, don't necessarily guarantee "pretty:"Although she did have a show where a bunch of assclowns competed to get with her, so maybe she's doing something right.

"Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil."

YEA BUDDY, NOW WE'RE FUCKIN TALKIN!!! Yea, they need a LOT of "oil," hehehehehe amiright amiright amiright? Imright.

Sorry what? Simile inferring being "high maintenance?" Oh. OHHHHH...ok. Makes sense. I was just about to be all, "a little young for the 'fucking' analogies, aren't we?" but, so yea. Pretty girls are high maintenance. This kid isn't a total Trig Palin.

The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don't let them get to you."

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Hi there, everybody! Brent Cocklog here. Long time no see! Ahem, our dear friend and my co-worker Berbalerbs just ran by my desk crying and mumbled something about "finish my blog" or "pretty girls" or "I'm gonna end it" or maybe all three or something but hey! Here I am! Let me just catch up with all of you and read what we have so far...


Hm...


Okay...


Hehe, bitter much? But whatever, let's keep stompin' on the 9 year old.

As for his how-to, he concedes, "I never expected people to buy it like a regular book in a bookstore."

And there you have it. 9 year old's logic > Huge National Publisher Harper Collins' logic

But with classic plain-spoken advice - like "comb your hair and don't wear sweats" - it's no surprise his 46-page book was a hit with boys and girls of all ages.

So...let me get this straight...this is a book that hypothetically parents will buy for their 8 and 9 year olds...so that the children...can learn how to effectively tapdatass? 'Cause if you're trying to reach adults, you're going to have to do WAAAAAAYY better than "comb your hair and don't wear sweats." I mean, for starters, you can go research and write about which roofies are the hardest to trace? Huh? Now that's relationship advice I can get behind...

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA "GET BEHIND" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH GOD I COULDN'T HOLD IT. Onwards,

He believes the best way to approach a girl is to keep it to a simple "hi."

Now this is where he is actually very similar to adults who, you know, have actually dated before and have any fucking business writing books like these. They all say this. "Just say hi." "Just walk on up and say, 'Hi! I'm Brent!'" AND FUCKING THEN WHAT, CAPTAIN TAINT?!? Just stand there like a fucking labatomy post-op, waiting for her to say "wow, your candor and forwardness makes me really curious as to what your dick tastes like!"

At this point we get it. Pick-up lines, in the traditional sense, are corny. They come off sleazy, and nobody (especially not that fine-ass chick you just strolled up to) finds them funny. It is better to just go up to someone and introduce yourself. That isn't really the problem. Maybe it's difficult for us to muster up the courage to walk up to a girl we find attractive, but we know how to walk up to them and I'm pretty sure a healthy majority of us are comfortable by now with how to introduce one's self, but THEN WHAT? And if you don't have an answer, fine, but stop treating this "just say hi" shit like it's a complete answer. It's not.

As for his own love life, he said he is not dating anyone at the moment. "I'm a little too young," he confessed.

"Although," he added, "certainly not too young to write about the subject as an expert and expect people to pay money for my writing. I'm definitely experienced enough for that."

Dating - which he defines as going out to dinner without your parents - is for "kind of old" people, who are 15 or 16.

I'm kinda starting to see why Berbalerbs ran screaming.

Alec - who just finished a children's book on the Watergate scandal

Well, whoopdee fuckin-- really? He wrote about Watergate? Hm. I wonder if it was from the perspective of Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein or that of Nixon and his cronies...I mean, FUCK THIS KID!

Not literally, of course. That's fucking gross. You pervert.

Brent Cocklog's Cockblog: Reason 1,453,058,839,232,983 Women Shouldn't be Able to Vote

I just thought I'd point out that this is not only a story MSNBC decided to subject its readers to yesterday, for most of the day, it was their TOP STORY.

So, on a newsday where an Oscar-winning actress has been subject to some truly terrible shit, where the World Series could've ended with the losingest team in sports history taking the World Championship, and with two presidential candidates sprinting across America to gain votes in an extremely close election, the ThinkTank over at MSNBC has decided that this is the big story of the day:

"Mothers and Daughters Occaisionally Disagree When Voting for President"

That's right. MSNBR (the "R" stands for "Fucking Moronic Idiot-Ass Retards") has decided that the fact that occaisionally people disagree on politics despite the fact that one of those people came out of the other one's vagina was newsworthy.

You're wondering: Well Brent, if it's so un-newsworthy, why are you about to write about it?

My reply: Shut your whoring mouth before I'm forced to stuff something in it, if you know what I mean.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Karen and

My penis. Is what I was referencing earlier. When I said that bit about stuffing something into your mouth. Anyway,

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Really? This might just be the most inconsequential article written since EVER and you begin it with a melodramatic movie trailer-esque sentence like that? MSNBC writer Melissa Dahl, you are NO Courtney Hazlett, and you never will be.

Oh yea...report the SHIT outta that non-story...

Karen and Kristen Ingraham, who’ve always been more BFF than mother and daughter, were united in their rabid support of Sen. Hillary Clinton.

OMG BFF LMFAO :)))))))!!!!!111!!!! Kill yourself.

Oh and if you're a mom who's more "BFF" than mother to your daughter, CONGRATULATIONS!!! You're a bad parent. I will give points to Melissa for describing their support for Senator Clinton as "rabid." Why?

Woof.

"Since Kristen was born, it's always been ‘Just you and me, kid.’ She finishes my sentences,” says single mom Karen Ingraham

NoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCares. No. One. Cares.

“We've never had an argument about anything important — maybe about a $100 dollar pair of blue jeans."

A pair of pants would be considered an "important" mother-daughter issue?

"It's just shocking."

No. It's not. NoOneCaresNoOneCaresNoOneCares.

For mothers and daughters, fights over the political often feel very personal,

Mostly because women are stupid and can't partake in a debate without feeling like they're being insulted because the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD REVOLVES AROUND THEM AND THEY HAVE TO GO OUT EVERY TUESDAY BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING GIRLS NIGHT AND MEANWHILE I'M HOME EATING A GODDAMNED PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH FOR DINNER AND JACKING OFF TO SCRAMBLED SOFT PORN BECAUSE WHILE WE CAN BUY FUCKING $250 SHOES WE "CAN'T AFFORD" HBO.

In a related story, I'm not bitter.

Ok so this is where the true idiocy of this article rears it's ugly (and fat) head. Not only did they decide to write an article with no actual relevance to anything at all whatsoever at all whatsoever, they decided that a good source for quotes would be literally the stupidest mother-daughter combination that the world hath ever bore. Take it away ladies:

"It's kind of depressing, because she says things that zing," mother Karen Ingraham says.

"She also puts rings on things and wings on kings WOOOOOO!!!" Sorry.

She says, ‘Every time I look at (McCain), all I see is old. He's just old, mom.’

That is mama's idea of zing? "And that Governor Palin! Her gender is female! AND she wears glasses! That means she has vision problems, MOM!!!"

I go, "well, I'm getting old!”

WELL THEN YOU FUCKING SUCK TOO, MOM!!!

It’s arguments like that that make her 26-year-old daughter want to scream. “It's almost like, you know, she's being tricked!”

No, like, I don't, like, know, Miss Piggy. Mind explaining?

“And you want to point it out to her — you want to shake her and say, 'You're falling for it!' — but you can't say that, 'cause it's your mother!"

This is actually kind of refreshing. I don't know many completely F-tardedly ignorant Obama supporters. I'd email this to some of my conservative friends to piss them off if I didn't categorically hate everyone who has so much as one single conservative ideal.

“She used to be really good at seeing both sides — but that's probably because we've always been on the same side," Karen Ingraham says.

God I wish they had some sort of stenographer present at interviews like these, just so this bitch could really appreciate how fucking stupid she just sounded.

Alright, there are like 3 other mom and daughter pairings in the article, but this shit is getting exhausting.

WHO WANTS BOOBIES?!?

Brent Cocklog's Cockblog: Hahahahahaha

You see, it's funny because he has a mental handicap.

Or wait is that why it isn't funny?

No. No, I'm pretty sure that's why it's damned funny.

Brent Cocklog's Cockblog: A Tribute to Somebody Better Than You

Good morning to the mediocre masses!!!!:))))

A Tribute to Somebody Better Than You

Now, if you noticed that the world has seemed a little less awesome in the past few weeks it's because a James William "Jim" Adams has passed. I couldn't find a pic of Jim, but this is what I'd like to believe he looked like:

His obituary tends to agree with me, as it attributes "rocking out too hard" as the cause of death.

It was primarily as a result of being stubborn and not following doctor's orders or maybe for just living life a little too hard for better than five decades.

Yea, how many people do you know who died from being too kickass? LESS THAN NONE, THAT'S HOW MANY!

So maybe you're like, "Big whoop. I bet you lots of people died from living 'a little too hard.' What makes this guy so special?"

Do me a favor: die in a fire. And keep reading!!!!!:)))))

He was sadly deprived of his final wish, which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a date.

(rocks out on air guitar, knocks over lamp)

So okay, not only did he want to be run over by a beer truck, he wanted that beer truck to specifically be on its way to a liquor store (you know the old rhyme, "beer truck before liquor store, get fucked up quicker more"), and NOT ONLY a beer truck specifically on it's way to a liquor store, BUT with the ultimate purpose to procure booze for getting his date drunk enough to mash nasties.

American. Fucking. Hero.

True to his personal style, he spent his final hours joking with medical personnel, cussing and begging for narcotics and bargaining with God to look over his loving dog, Biscuit, and his family.

Now, if I hadn't read Leviticus and found out that God hates queers, I would probably go homo for this guy. FINAL HOURS, and this dude is still trying to catch a buzz. And what bargaining chips did Mr. Adams have on the table whilst ensuring through God that Biscuit (first) and family (second) would be safe? Was he offering to kill two hot blondes and a six pack right before he himself died so that they could have a kickass party the second he got to heaven? I'd like to think he was.

He would like to thank all "his ladies" for putting up with him the last 30 years.

James William "Jim" Adams =

During his life, he excelled at anything he put his mind to.

Incidentally, Mr. Adams only ever put his mind to one thing: being super way more better and awesomer than you. Way more.

Time to bring it home...

In lieu of flowers, he asks that you make a sizeable purchase at your favorite watering hole, get rip roaring drunk and tell the stories he no longer can.

Made up blogger identity aside, that seriously is one of the greatest things I've ever read. With the weekend just around the river bend, I suggest we all take Mr. Adams up on his suggestion. I know I'm going to be hitting on some busted ass old chick who looks like an angel through my beer goggles at my local dive.

As a personal homage to James William "Jim" Adams, here now, are a bunch of pictures of some really hot bitches. Jim would've wanted it this way.

Brent Cocklog's Cockblog: Some People are Alive Solely Because it's Illegal to Kill Them VOL. 1

Hello, all you people too poor to buy the New York Times and too lazy to find a copy of the Onion! Time for some newsy news!!!:)))))))

This segment is called "Some People are Alive Solely Because it's Illegal to Kill Them," because it's true! I've met no less than 200 in my life that I would've immediately buried a knife into if it weren't for all those pesky legal limitations! Ready to meet #201?!?!?!?!?!?!!??:(j/k:))))

COCKBLOG: SPAASBIITKT

(that's the abbreviated version)

It's a rainy day for the Manhattan restaurateur who sued a supermodel claiming she intentionally damaged his designer umbrella, said to be worth $5,000.

Well, we've got a 2 for 1 deal here! I'd kill the restauranteur and the idiot who wrote that tag line...if it weren't illegal!

Honestly...a designer umbrella? Why the d*ck f*rt would you spend $5,000 on something that's sole purpose is to get f*cked up? Maybe it just went well with his $50,000 Gucci mud flaps for his pickup truck.

Balan claimed he lent supermodel Le Call

"Le Call?" You mean to suggest that there is a supermodel whose name is French for "The Call?" I don't advocate violence towards women who know their place, never have and never will, but someone really needs to slap this b*tch with my penis, like NOWSIES.

his limited-edition leather umbrella designed by Jean-Paul (ZHON'-Pawl) Gaultier (GOL'-tee-yay)

I guess that's for all you mouth-breathers who thought it was pronounced (GEEN-Pawl Golly-Gosh-Gee-Sister-F*cker)

and she belatedly returned it to him in two pieces.
This is Le Call. Now I don't know about you, but there are a few things I could think of that would make me forget all about that umbrella, if ya know what I mean...Huh? Ya know what I mean? Huh? HUH?

Balan, owner of

Buttsex. With her. Is what I was referencing before.

Balan, owner of the celeb magnet Nello's, sought $1 million in the lawsuit and claimed emotional distress over the damaged umbrella.

Now I usually refrain from calling gay fairy queens fags, but COME ON FAG! Can you imagine this guy? He's all,

Omigod! I don't have my fancy ZHON'-Pawl GOL'-tee-yaaaaay umbrella!!! I know it's not raining, but I look TOTES cute holding it and my gay friend Ferocia likes to sodomize me with it!!! I'm all GOl'-tee-YAAAAAAAYSODOMIZEMEI'MGODLESSYAAAAAAAY

I'm paraphrasing, of course, but it's pretty close to what actually went on, I bet.

And why is emotional stress always valued at $1 million? It seems like that's the standard "stress fee" or something. Can you imagine walking into a courtroom and trying to keep a straight face while you explained to the judge who may or may not have just presided over a triple homicide case that you deserved 7 figures because you decided to entrust a supermodel (FOOD CHAIN: Pigeons > Dung Beetles > Corpses > Supermodels) with a $5,000 umbrella that you purposefully chose to buy and SOO-F*CKING-PRIZE she messed it up?

State Supreme Court Justice Joan A. Madden threw out Nello Balan's lawsuit Friday. She also fined Balan's attorney $500 for filing a frivolous claim and said motions the attorney filed were a "waste of judicial resources."

That's a good start, but I'd have really liked to see the judge mandate that the Plaintiff punch himself in the face until he died from it. Oh and in case you were wondering whether or not Nello Balan was a douche,

Brent Cocklog's Cockblog: I bet you I could kick Dr. Phil's *ss like, totes easy

Hey there good looking!!!:-)))) LOL OMG like the kids say!!!:-))) 

Anyway, I could kick the f*cking sh*t out of that f*cking f*g Dr. Phil. Just f*cking kill him to death in front of his own audience.

Here's Phat Ph*ck Phil talking about some sh*t called "fourplay."

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Foreplay? Really? It's spelled like that? Now I REALLY don't know what the f*ck it means.

Bring it on, you doughy little hobgoblin.

DR. PHIL SEX/RELATIONSHIP ADVICE 

"WHERE'S THE FOREPLAY?"

Did you check under your flabs of fat, you 3-month old chunk of rotten milk, you?

Men and women are different, and it's that way for a reason! Don't get frustrated with your partner for being exactly the way God designed him or her.

Uh, hey there God?

*Sigh* Yes, Phillip?

I'm writin' a article 'bout foreplay. I'm gonna go ahead and give you a shout out around, let's say 24 words into it, ok?

Um, Phillip I really would much rather you didn't...

Great! I'll email you a copy!

The differences are clear when it comes to orgasms and sexual pleasure — and there's a scientific explanation behind it. Dr. Phil advises men: "I think you're running into a lot of trouble if your idea of foreplay is, 'Brace yourself honey, here I come!'"

Watch it, f*ggo!!! My womenz f*cking are ALL ABOUT bracing themselves when I refer to them as "honey" and alert them to my "coming." ALL ABOUT IT, f*ggo!!!

I'dunno, Dr. FAT F*CKING PUDGEMONSTER, can you provide us with some charts and graphs?

For men, the time between the idea of sex and their ability to orgasm is 2.8 minutes.

Yeah, when I slow it down I can reach right around there...About.

"The problem is that for women, the average time is just over 14 minutes,"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAYOUVEGOTTABEF*CKINKIDDINMEAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Incorrect. They last for maybe 24 seconds, MAYBE. Actually it's kinda crazy, they tend to last for the exact amount of time the man's do. I know that right when I'm finished, my girl always says "I came at the exact same time," even if it's only like 7 seconds worth of sex. We have a real connection like that.

Dr. Phil explains...men are left with about 12 minutes during which time they need to think of something to do!

I don't know what to tell you, chief. Try rufies. Works for me, every time.

Brent Cocklog's Cockblog: Hehehehehehehe f*ckin awesome

Brent again! (if you don't know what I mean by "again," stop being so ignorant and get back to me when you don't reek of stupidity.)

Hehehehehehehe f*ckin awesome.

That is all.

Brent Cocklog's Cockblog: Dubb Fisties

Hi, everyone out there floating through the inter-space!!!:-)))) I'm Brent Cocklog!!!:-))) I know you already know this (unless you're ignorant!!!:-)))) but I'm a local news personality from The Herald-Palladium as well as on-the-street reporter for Channel 17 Action Local Realness News in St. Joseph, Michigan!!! :-(  ... j/k :-))))

Due to absolutely nothing aside from the fact that my last name's Cocklog (it's Greek, Translates to "penis log"), the young "gentlemen" here at the Gall-- the weird website they do, have asked me to impart a little wisdom here and there through a new segment called "Brent Cocklog's Cockblog," not to be confused with "Brent Cocklog's XXX Cockblog," which is also written by me, but it's actually a slash fiction blog from the perspective of my cock. 

COCKBLOG: DOUBLE FISTIES. 

Whether drinking,

smoking,

or sexing,

double fisting always makes me feel a little awkward, like "maybe I really do have a problem."

But believe me when I say I'll do any of the three at the drop of a f*cking hat. Without blinking. I'm sooo f*cking serious. Try me. Literally. Next time you see me. F*cking ferrealzies.

I Now Pronounce You...Really F*cked Up.

Jason and Rachael Storm (no relation) decided they were going to have a "different" type of wedding. They wanted to have it somewhere cozy, somewhere intimate, somewhere familiar...somewhere frequented by lots and lots of corpses all the time.

Jason and Rachael Storm held their wedding at Starks and Menchinger Family Funeral Home, where he is a funeral director.Their reception, including dinner and dancing, also was held at the funeral home.

"Honeymoon Suite"

I'm just going to take a second to bask in the fantasticality that is a bunch of people dancing to "Woomp, There It Is" in the same room they said their final good-byes to Aunt Fanny about a year ago.

Aaaaaaah...

Ok. Where were we?

"This room is usually filled with sadness and contemplation, but today it is filled with joy and celebration," the Rev. Greg Prather said at the start of Saturday's ceremony.

Rev. Prather quickly followed that sentiment up with a sigh, a shake of the head, a questioning "why me" look upwards towards God, another sigh, another shake of the head (this one aimed directly at the bride and groom), a frown, another sigh, a shrug of the shoulders, and a final sigh.

Jason Storm, 24, doesn't see much difference between getting married in a church or the funeral home. "I look at it as, if you go to a church and get married, how many caskets do you think have been rolled down that aisle?" he told The Herald-Palladium of St. Joseph.

Great point there, Vincent Price. I just picture him looking for a high five from someone right after that quote...only to be disappointed that the corpses surrounding him left him hanging.

Rachael Storm, also 24, said the location did "not creep me out at all."

Well, I'm convinced! That definitely sounds like someone who isn't forcing herself to accept the fact that her hubby didn't want to leave his house of death for even one day.

Hi, Mrs. Storm, this is Brent Cocklog from the Herald-Palladium...what are your feelings on the Fun-o-wedding? Or the "wederal." Not sure which one I'm going with yet...

"It doesn't creep me out at all!"

Well, that's good because for some people--

"I said it's FINE, now BACK OFF!"

Ok, Miss, I didn't mean to off--

"MY HUSBAND'S NOT CRAZY!!! HE JUST HAPPENS TO LIKE THE DEAD MORE THAN THE LIVING! TOTALLY HEALTHY!!!"

...

"STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!!!"

Um...this is Brent Cocklog, coming to you live...from the site of a doomed marriage. Back to you, Kent!

Rachael Storm said some invited guests initially refused to attend, but the couple assured family and friends there would not be any caskets or corpses in the room.

...at least not 'til the reception. You know the old saying, "can't keep a corpse from a good cold-cuts buffet!"