Off With Your Head, Egg Toucher!

I remember growing up there was a book in my bathroom about weird laws in the US. I think the title or cover was about donkeys in bathtubs. As a matter of fact, here we go. I remember thinking I was so cool for knowing that you couldn't eat garlic then go into a theater in bumblefuck, wherever. Trying to memorize as many as possible, so as to be able to recite them and seem precocious and funny to company. Luckily, I've forgotten most of that crap. Anyway, you are probably asking yourself what - if anything - this has to do with anything. Don't question my motives, jerkface! I always.have.a.plan. Sure, that plan generally involves peanut butter and unsuspecting neighborhood dogs, but it's a plan nonetheless. That last sentence helps seamlessly segue into my point, apparently England has some weird laws too!

touch these and die, motherfuck!

Britons are forbidden from disturbing packs of eggs and from selling game killed on a Sunday, it was revealed Thursday by an opposition MP who condemned ministers for introducing ridiculous laws.

If there's any time more properly spent than introducing ridiculous laws, it's taking the time to point out these laws in the hopes of getting these stupid and unenforceable laws removed from the books.

The day after Prime Minister Gordon Brown's government laid out its legislative agenda for the coming year, Liberal Democrat lawmaker Chris Huhne noted the stream of sometimes "completely bizarre" new offences it had created.

Well, fine. Some of the things they put in there are stupid. So what? You might be asking yourself. Well, lay it on us, Huhney, what's the rumpus?

Since the Labour party took power in 1997 under then prime minister Tony Blair, it has created 3,600 new criminal offences, Huhne said -- adding this was "massively complicating" the job of police and the criminal justice system.

Yea, it's going to make it extra tough for the bobbies. What do I do if I see someone disturbing a package of eggs? Do I arrest them or do I consider that my time my be better spent elsewhere doing other things that might be slightly more important!? I mean if anything this just provides the coppers more reasons to get to use their night sticks, a measure I'm highly in favor of.

"Some of these offences are completely bizarre -- for example, the offence of causing a nuclear explosion," he told members of parliament (MPs).

What? That actually sounds like a very reasonable thing to arrest someone for... it actually sounds like an incredibly egregious offense, if anything. Please, elaborate in a way that makes little to no sense.

"The idea that anyone might cause a nuclear explosion without killing anybody, and therefore being subject to a possible charge of murder, is extremely far-fetched."

So... the offense brought up is setting off a nuclear explosion but... not killing people? This last sentence makes zero fucking sense and if you think you understand it and can explain it to someone with an IQ well into the 70's, please drop me a line.

Other new offences include "wilfully pretending to be a barrister" [ed: wikipedia says this is some kind of lawyer. I stopped reading like 4 sentences in because who fucking cares], "disturbing a pack of eggs when instructed not to by an authorised officer" and "offering for sale a game bird killed on a Sunday or Christmas day", he said.

As opposed to unwillingly pretending to be a 'barrister', but seriously, isn't impersonating a lawyer actually a pretty serious kind of offense? I don't get half the shit they're talking about. It's like they're half actually ridiculous, and half actual crimes. Make up your mind about what you want considered ridiculous! We can't play Monopoly on the 4 Tuesday of a leap year! And also we can't murder our offspring! Stop these crazy laws!

Huhne accused the government of doing nothing to repeal these laws. Justice minister Jack Straw asked for a full list of the ones the MP wanted removed from the statute books so that he could review them.

Other crimes that are part of the 3,600 that were not mentioned in the article:

No longer are you allowed to take a train and eat it, piece by piece, after you just derailed it with your penis. Even if it's for charity.

Gang rape has been outlawed.

All calculators must remove the number 9. Fuck that number.

If you do disturb a package of eggs, the only way to avoid conviction is to fertilize all of the eggs. If any of the eggs are not fertilized, you will lose a toe.

Those who steal from business establishments will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

All bananas purchased from your local grocer's must have the letter Q lazer etched into the peel.

If you shave your grandmother's head on a day that falls on a prime number, you will be shot in the back of the head, executioner style, by a Chinese man.

If you talk about Fight Club, nothing will really happen. Those first two rules they mention are just scare tactic bullshit. Talk about it all you want, fatshit!

It is considered murder, not abortion, if the fetus is no longer in the womb and is over the age of 6.

The National animal of England will no longer be the Lion, but instead be a spicy taco.

Given: The 2009 American Cancer Society Dogswalk Against Cancer Will Be the Most Important Event in the History of Planet Earth

***In honor of the Dogswalk, and to avoid this article being COMPLETELY Godless and disrespectful, I shall substitute all forms of the "F word" with the word "bark"***

I think it's pretty clear why I'm writing this article: The 2009 Dogswalk Against Cancer is going to be so uncontrollably kickass amazing that it makes me want to punch you right in the barking face. Yes, you.
Here's a pic from last year's party* and this year promises to be more of the same! Only with dogs! And more strobe lights*! Feel like punching someone in the face yet? Of barking course you do!!!

Afterparty, 2007 Dogswalk*

I really don't mean to overstate this*, but the 2009 Dogswalk will be the single greatest moment we as a collective human race will ever/can ever experience and if you're not going to be there you are genuinely a bad person and hell-bound and probably can't get a date because your breath smells and I bet you still have the original Playstation because you're too dumb to earn enough money to upgrade and no one loves you enough to buy you a new console for your birthday or Chrismas or anything and additionally I bet you're bad at sports. FACT:

There will be contests (Dog Owner Look-A-Like, Best Costume)

Yea. That's right. Dog. Owner. Look-A-Like. As in,But a whole barkin' contest's worth.

Cheater.

Doga (dog yoga) demonstrations

Woah woah woah woah woah straight up wait up hold up, Mr. Lover. "Doga?" "Dog yoga?" Well, let's see what Google has for us here...ok, typing in "doga." Alright, we have a "doga" website that's--


Oh my.


Oh. Oh my.


I just-- it's...oh my.
Bark. Yes. If you haven't punched at least 3 people since you began to read this post, the reason is painfully obvious: you are handless. I'm sorry. That must suck. FACT:

[There will be some barkin' ROCKIN] live music by Blue Jupiter and much, much more!

Ladies and gentlemen, Blue Jupiter:AND much, MUCH more! Not just much more. Much more, and then, after that, much more as well...in addition to the...original more, which could already have been considered "much" before more was added to it..."much" more, in fact, you see.

***Punches, like, 20 people, Rocks out on air guitar***

Ahem. But on a more serious note, the Dogswalk won't just be the most awesome event in the history of history, it will also be the most important. Ever. By far.

Signing of the Declaration of Independence? Somewhat important.

Invention of the Printed Press? Could take it or leave it.

Falling of the Berlin Wall? Psssh. That didn't even happen in America.

Dogswalk 2009? Now we're barkin' talking!

Listen,

This year alone, over 565,650 people are expected to die from cancer. Still a scientific enigma, cancer affects 3,000 new people each year, and through years and years of research, we only know one thing about cancer.

Dogs cure cancer*. Pure and simple.

The Dogswalk will bring together some 7,245,000,000,000,000,000 canines*, and the enormous dog concentration will bring about a total global eradication of cancer...assumedly. If history has taught us anything, it'll probably look similar to the end of Ghostbusters II.

I'm sorry, what? They don't? Oh.

Um...so dogs don't cure cancer.

Ten percent of the net proceeds raised at Dogswalk benefit the AMC cancer clinic.

Ohhhhhhhhh. Ok. So the money raised will go to scientists, and they are the ones who figure out the whole cancer cure thing. I still assume it'll closely resemble the conclusion of Ghostbusters II. Wait, what money?

The registration fee will be $50.00 per person.

Ohhhhhhhhh. But wait. Dogs don't have money.

The dog's owner pays the fee, stupid

Ohhhhhhhhh--Heyyyyy! Watch it, quote that's on my blog.

Put on your shoes and lend us a paw in the fight against cancer

I don't get the reference.

...


...


...Ohhhhhhh!!!!

In conclusion: Dogs.






The American Cancer Society Dogswalk will take place at Riverside Park at West 108th Street on May 3rd, 2009. Event begins at 9 AM and concludes at 2 PM. $50 registration fee. For more information, visit cancer.org or shout me a holler...I happen to have an inside hookup to all the action.


* = Not true.

Nope, No Stereotypes Here...

...and I said, "well then I guess that means I'm just happy to see ya!!" Hehehehe get it? "Happy to see ya?" ...I had a boner? Well, anyway, Asians love karaoke, am I right folks? I mean they looooove that stuff, am I right? I mean, they like karaoke so much, they kill ya if you sing more than 3 songs in a row!

Audience Member: That's not funny, taintface!

Sir, I am trying to report the news here. Can you be a little more respectful of the dead? Sheesh.

A Malaysian man has been stabbed to death for refusing to stop singing and hand over the microphone at a karaoke bar, police say.

I mean, to be fair, this did happen in Malaysia, where I believe the primary export is senseless homicide. So. There's that. But really? This situation escalated to murder??? I mean, turning the sound system off wasn't a viable option?

Abdul Sani Doli[hahahahaha this dude's name is silly as shit! um...God rest his soul -Ed.], 23, reportedly angered some of the customers when he hogged the stage at the bar in Sandakan town on eastern Borneo island.

So they killed him. And not with a gun mind you, not a one-second, possibly moment-of-passion "BLAM!" No. This was a stabbing. As in, these people at a karaoke bar were SO pissed at this dude that after they had successfully removed him from the stage they decided to stab. Then stab. Then stab (cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut). I mean, when you stab a person to death you are all up in their business. Trust me. TRUST me.

He was punched before being stabbed to death with a knife.

Ouch! They punched him? I bet that must've smarted...y'know, before he was murdered to death with a knife. After that I bet it didn't hurt as much, in comparison.

The article concludes with a description of what karaoke is, which pisses me off every time journalists do this.

Karaoke, in which amateurs can sing along to their favourite songs, first emerged from Japan and became hugely popular across Asia during the 1980s, before spreading to other parts of the world.

No fucking shit you shit fucker who fornicates with fecal matter. Although, I guess to be fair, I did go back and re-read the article pretending not to know what the word "karaoke" means, and it was literally the most baffling thing I've ever read in my life.

If You're Going to Get Robbed In Uganda, You Might As Well Get Laid First

If you're anything like me, you've spent plenty of time on the continent of Africa, having sex with strange women. And so if you're anything like me, you've woken up several times in landlocked countries in Africa, completely naked, wondering where all your possessions are. Well guess what, chump. You got knocked the fuck out. Wondering how? Well, let's just say that motorboat you were on was filled with poisoned fish. Hmm... That might be the stupidest and most poorly executed attempt at a chloroformed ta-tas metaphor ever written. Let's just say that motorboat was booby trapped? Whatever. You got knocked the fuck out by some tit-tays!

Uganda’s police warned men of a ‘booby trap’ after a probe found that a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious.

Yea, so maybe I stole the 'booby trapped' thing from the article. Sue me [please don't sue me]. Anyway, isn't this rather bond-esque? It seems incredibly elaborate for a simple robbery. Couldn't they just club the guy and drag him somewhere and steal his shit?

Police officers have discovered victims of the attacks naked with all their possessions stolen by the gang, who use the women to lure their prey and rob them when they fall unconscious after intimate activity.

See what I mean? These ladies must be aching for it. Why else would they go through all that trouble. I'm also not exactly sure how this works. Do they at least get laid before all there shit gets stolen? If the lady's cans are soaked in chloroform, how does she not knock herself out? Isn't she breathing that shit in the whole time?

Fred Enanga, a spokesman for the country''s Criminal Investigations Directorate, has warned all men, and particularly travelling businessmen who tend to carry more cash than locals.

Man, that must suck. But who the hell is doing business in Uganda anyway? "I was in Uganda for the big multi-media conference and got that old tinglin' in my balls. You won't believe what happened next!" Could you imagine some happily married guy getting caught screwing around because he was robbed by the chloroform knocker gang? I mean, yea. You're obviously a shitty guy if you're cheating with whores in Uganda, but still. "Honey, can you wire me some money? I was robbed." "Oh no! Are you alright?! What happened?!" "..."

"They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state.
"You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him. And the victim doesn''t remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing," he added.

They apply the chemical to their chest...then what? Then what!? Give us the juicy details! I want all my news articles related to boobies to read like erotica god damnit!

Enanga added that the police had first came across the practice last year, when they apprehended a thief called Juliana Mukasa, whom he described as "a very dangerous lady."

A very dangerous lady, with two even more dangerous accomplices.

I'd like to end this article by pointing out that whenever stories like this pop up, I wonder if I'm the only one who always imagines these women to be incredibly attractive. I mean, I guess it's just easier for the mind to picture women who are using their breasts as weapons as hot, even though in fact most prostitutes are anything but.

You Can't Arrest Me, My Life's Punishment Enough!!! (Berbalerbs Edition)

A 37-year-old man who lives with his parents was arrested on a felony assault charge after he used a Christmas tree as a weapon in an attempted attack on his father, according to a sheriff’s report.

That particular publication is INCORRECT in its assessment of the situation that took place in my domicile...rather the domicile of my parental units.

While it is accurate that I did propel a Christmas Tree toward the general vicinity of my father, we were simply playing our annual game of "tree toss," a long-standing tradition in my family ever since I was 17 and I woke up in the middle of the night to my father standing over me hoisting our Christmas Tree into the air and repeatedly slamming the trunk into and around my head and face area. After some reconstructive surgery, father explained he was simply playing "tree toss" and that I had done a substandard job in catching said tree.

Now again, as we've done for the past 20 years, we were playing tree toss and all of a sudden several officers of the law appeared at our front door. This unexpected visit must've sent my father into a tizzy, because he began to scream "that's him officer! Arrest him before he kills me!" The officers (quite understandably) mistook my father's cries and brought me to the floor with extreme prejudice.

According to an arrest report, Lackie lost his temper around 9 p.m. Wednesday and threw a 3-foot-tall Christmas tree at his father.

If my intent were truly to do harm to my father I'd have surely chosen a far easier weapon to wield. After all the tree was 3 feet tall!!! What do I look like, a level 17 Fighter with +7 Constituion and a 3d6 Strength bonus roll in melee conflicts? I mean come on.

The tree missed,

As I've explained on my blog, my wrist has been injured as of late, partially due to exhaustion from...using my wrist...too much. It wasn't my most formidable round of "tree toss" ever, I'll admit.

Lackie then tried to use the steel base from the tree to strike his father.

Ok, so yea that happened. But he called me a little girl!!! Wait...actually, he made fun of my virginity and my job at Blockbuster Videos, then I tried to hit him with the steel base, then I whimpered when I couldn't lift the base all the way up, THEN he called me a little girl.

Now if you'll excuse me, officer, I've really got to run. On a bit of a deadline, you see. I have to finish the creation of 250 new Sporns by midnight tonight or I'll not be invited to hunt Icetusk Mammoths with the half-elves who work at the Kinkos next to my Blockbuster.

...

Wait, actually come back...just...just kill me. Just fuckin' kill me!

I Don't Know How Much N700,000 Is, but Please By All Means Take it Back

We here at the Gallimaufry are taking a trip to Nigeria to bring you this little gem of a news item, where it seems the housewives are maybe even a little more desperate.

A housewife, Mrs. Bola Williams, who resides at 11, Olawoyin Street, Palm Avenue, Mushin, Lagos, has been arrested by the police, for allegedly burning the penis of her houseboy, John, an 18-year-old Togolese, in a bid to recover her N700,000 allegedly stolen by the teenager.

There are so many things in this paragraph that I don't understand. Her houseboy? What the hell is a houseboy? What the hell is a Togolese? How much is N700,000? I also like that they print this woman's address, you know, in case you feel like dropping by and giving her what for. Oh, and holy shit. Burnt his dongle? Christ lady, take a chill pill. Yea, I said chill pill.

P.M.News gathered that the victim was tortured for about one week before he escaped, naked. His hands were reportedly tied behind him while fire was place under his scrotum. His buttocks and scrotum bore marks of having been scorched by something hot, probably flames from a fire.

His buttocks and scrotum bore marks of having been scorched by something hot, probably flames from a fire. Ladies and gentlemen, the Nigerian Sherlock Holmes! But all kidding aside, holy fuck must this lady have been bats. What I'm curious about is whether this torture was to find out what he did with her money, or whether it was simply punishment for allegedly taking it. And why didn't anyone help this poor kid?

An eyewitness, who identified himself as Aina, said he heard the houseboy screaming for help, but could not come to his aid because it was not the first time he was being punished by his mistress.

So... he didn't help the screaming kid because... he was a naughty houseboy? Also: Mistress? So were they getting it on? What the hell, Nigeria. Stop confusing me with your words.

“It was later discovered that she had tied the boy and was using fire to burn his private part. When the boy ran out and everyone intervened, she claimed that he stole her money.

You'd think if she'd stripped him naked she'd be able to notice that nowhere on his person were the allegedly stolen N700,000. Though I guess if you're stripping your house boy naked and tying him to a chair and setting his cock'n balls on fire, you're probably past the point of being reasoned with anyway. Also, when they keep referring to him as house boy, am I the only one picturing a really gay pool boy for some reason? Not quite this, but google's image search for "gay pool boy" yielded less than wonderful results(do not google image search gay pool boy).

“Immediately, we called the Police at Zone D, and the woman was arrested. The boy was taken to the hospital.” Commenting on the incident, an occupant of the building, who pleaded anonymity, described Mrs. Williams as a very wicked landlady who has been having a running battle with her tenants.

Really? The woman who lit her house boys nuts on fire has a propensity for being a bitch? That is just so surprising.

Majority of residents who spoke with P.M.News on the issue described Mrs. Williams as wealthy, and an impossible person who fights everyone in the area.

Wealthy is really the operative word here, of course. Who wouldn't want to be some rich broad's houseboy? Even if it meant a week of ball/cock/ass burning, she'll still be your sugar momma, so I guess I'm torn.

I'm So Angry I Could F*ck a Dog!

Do you know what a Yorkshire terrier looks like? Well, they look like this:

So, assuming we're all on the same page, you all know what my next question is going to be: How do you not have sex with one of those?

A 20-year-old Titusville man was sentenced to four years in prison today for sexually assaulting his grandparents' Yorkshire terrier.

Yup. Didn't just have sex with it. Sexually assaulted the fucking thing.

Nicholas Densmore pleaded no contest to one count of animal cruelty in October.

Let's meet ol' Nicky Densmore, shall we?

What the fuck is on his face? Are those tattoo tears? Moles? Who cares? Anyway, let's get to the sexy details, shall we?

On July 30, 2007, Densmore was staying with his grandparents at 4243 Dartmouth Ave. N., St. Petersburg, when his grandmother saw him in a motor home at the back of the residence, according to a police report.

This all sounds fine and well thus far. What's the rumpus granny?

Once he saw her through a window approaching the motor home, she saw him pick up her Yorkshire terrier, Dutches, by the scuff of the neck and flee, the report states. The dog was found whimpering in a trash bin, the report states.

Yikes. Caught fucking a dog by your grandmother. Talk about embarrassing! Ah, whimpering in a trash been. Man have I been there. Anywho, this doesn't really prove anything does it? Couldn't he have just been taking out some aggression on the dog? Beating it up a little?

DNA analysis of towels found with the dog showed traces of the dog's blood and Densmore's semen, Pinellas-Pasco Assistant State Attorney Patricia Manteiga told Pinellas Circuit Judge Nancy Moate Ley. A veterinary exam showed the anal area of the dog was torn, the report states.


Oh my. I don't even... I... jokes... dog fucking... holy shit... Berbalerbs...so lucky his gran didn't turn him in that one time...

...

...

AHHHHHHHHHHH! ok. I think I'm good now. Have we all recovered yet? Anyone need some air? Maybe a cocktail? Or maybe a reminder like this one: See those two pictures up at the top of the post? One's a cute wil' puppy, and the other one is a guy who essentially hate fucked the cute wil' puppy.

The dog has recovered.

But us readers probably never will... Unless... hmm... nope.

The state attorney's office requested a five-year prison sentence, the maximum penalty. Ley said that levying the maximum penalty would preclude ordering Densmore to undergo psychological evaluation upon his release.
The four-year sentence she meted out will precede a year of probation during which Densmore will be psychologically evaluated and treated. He also has been ordered to undergo a 12-week anger management course.

I picture this course taking place in a classroom, and having to write "I will not hate fuck the dog" like a hundred times, as though he were Bart Simpson. Also, shouldn't he have undergone a psychological evaluation before he was sentenced? It seems fucked up to send him to jail for four years if what he really needs is a dog-less padded room and some meds.

Densmore's family -- including his 76-year-old grandmother Claudette, who told authorities she caught him in the act – told the judge they did not want him to be sentenced to prison. They wanted him to remain at his grandparents' house so they could ensure he takes prescribed medications.

Of course she would be named Claudette. Also, "I need to take my meds, if I don't, I'm liable to get really angry-like and fuck some dogs." So how is he going to jail if they don't want him to? Don't you have to press charges or something? Does the state do it on behalf of the dog? And, don't get me wrong, but doesn't 4 years seem kind of harsh for fucking and throttling a dog?

The judge said that approach had been tried and failed.

Obviously...

Densmore, who has an IQ of 83, is going through the early stages of schizophrenia and has had substance abuse problems, his attorney told the judge.

Let's just say that he's in Gump territory, but for him, life is more like a box of very fuckable dogs or something. So clearly, this man needs jail time, not psychiatric help.

"We're pleased with the sentence," said Connie Brooks, director of operations for SPCA-Tampa Bay, which advised prosecutors on the case. "This is a serious crime, and he needs some serious help."

Which he will most assuredly get in a men's penal colony! The system works!