Nope, No Stereotypes Here...

...and I said, "well then I guess that means I'm just happy to see ya!!" Hehehehe get it? "Happy to see ya?" ...I had a boner? Well, anyway, Asians love karaoke, am I right folks? I mean they looooove that stuff, am I right? I mean, they like karaoke so much, they kill ya if you sing more than 3 songs in a row!

Audience Member: That's not funny, taintface!

Sir, I am trying to report the news here. Can you be a little more respectful of the dead? Sheesh.

A Malaysian man has been stabbed to death for refusing to stop singing and hand over the microphone at a karaoke bar, police say.

I mean, to be fair, this did happen in Malaysia, where I believe the primary export is senseless homicide. So. There's that. But really? This situation escalated to murder??? I mean, turning the sound system off wasn't a viable option?

Abdul Sani Doli[hahahahaha this dude's name is silly as shit! um...God rest his soul -Ed.], 23, reportedly angered some of the customers when he hogged the stage at the bar in Sandakan town on eastern Borneo island.

So they killed him. And not with a gun mind you, not a one-second, possibly moment-of-passion "BLAM!" No. This was a stabbing. As in, these people at a karaoke bar were SO pissed at this dude that after they had successfully removed him from the stage they decided to stab. Then stab. Then stab (cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut). I mean, when you stab a person to death you are all up in their business. Trust me. TRUST me.

He was punched before being stabbed to death with a knife.

Ouch! They punched him? I bet that must've smarted...y'know, before he was murdered to death with a knife. After that I bet it didn't hurt as much, in comparison.

The article concludes with a description of what karaoke is, which pisses me off every time journalists do this.

Karaoke, in which amateurs can sing along to their favourite songs, first emerged from Japan and became hugely popular across Asia during the 1980s, before spreading to other parts of the world.

No fucking shit you shit fucker who fornicates with fecal matter. Although, I guess to be fair, I did go back and re-read the article pretending not to know what the word "karaoke" means, and it was literally the most baffling thing I've ever read in my life.

Man, This Guy Is Nuts!

Alright, all the gentlemen in the audience, prepare to cringe and want to die. Because a guy in Malaysia had to have a nut removed from his dongle. You read that right. Not one of his nuts, but a nut. Like a metal nut. Removed. From his wang. That's why the title to this post is so side-splitting-ly hilarious!

So, this welder is about to propose some beautiful woman. He thinks to himself "Boy, it sure would be nice to have a more impressive wiener. I wonder if there's anything around the garage I can use to weigh it down, stretch that fucker out. I foresee absolutely nothing that could go wrong by doing this." He then finds a nut (which, by the way, he must have been insanely tiny to get a nut on there in the first place - berbs understands this guys logic fairly well), slaps on in the hopes that it will weigh it down and stretch it out. Somehow, this plan went awry! I wonder how.

The nut got stuck on his penis following an erection, the Star newspaper said, forcing him to seek help at a hospital in southern Johor state.

Boners are to blame?! I never thought I would see the day when a boner caused someone anything but immense happiness. This is truly a sad day. Also, is there a more embarrassing condition to need to seek help for? "Well as you can see, my penis is incredibly tiny. I thought having this nut on here would weigh it down, but then on comes Golden Girls and bam! I'm up shit creek with only this boner, which is clearly too tiny to use as a paddle." But I'm sure they just greased up his wiener and slid the thing off no harm no foul...

Staff from the Sultanah Aminah hospital had to drain some blood from the penis and cut away a top layer of skin before the object could be removed, the newspaper said.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh god. Oh holy baby Jesus that is disgusting. Here's how I'm fairly certain the scene went down:

"Well, we're going to have to drain some blood out of there to get it off(ha!)."

"Ok, how are you going to do that?"

"Well, you see here we've got this leech... (looks at leech, then wiener) oh hey, look, twinsies!"

"Haha real fucking funny, please get this thing off my cock"

"Hmm... seems to still be on there pretty good. You know how sometimes you take sausage out of the casing before you cook with it and stuff? Imagine that but on your wiener, which resembles a sausage in shape only, because it's the size of my pinky up to the first knuckle, so don't think I was trying to compliment you in anyway."

"..."

"The patient is now recovering and we hope to discharge him today (Sunday)," hospital director Daud Abdul Rahim told the Star.


That's it. That's how this fucker ends. No details on how the engagement went, if they put the skin back on, if he proposed and the woman laughed in his face. Nothing. Well, that's not entirely true, there's this little gem at the end:

On August 25, another young man in Kuala Lumpur had tried to increase his sexual prowess by slipping a steel ring around his penis, forcing the fire department to cut off the ring after doctors were unable to remove it, the newspaper said.

So I guess it's pretty common for people in Malaysia to both have tiny wieners and be incredibly stupid. Good to know. Or something. Just remember that if you're a fire man, try not to get transferred to Malaysia. Because in all likelihood you will have to help someone with something stuck to his cock. Unless you're Chuck and Larry and that's your thing. Or whatever. The end?