Um...ok?

Let me preface this post by saying I know Germans are batshit fucking crazy. I know this. The Berlin Wall comes down, and this is the first iconic image we see from the "bright new future" of Germany? Batshit. Fucking. Crazy.

Oh and the Nazi thing too. I guess that was pretty goofy as well.

All that being said,

German pop star Ramma Damma, aka Ulli Hopper, decided to get married – to a pineapple.

So, ok maybe the first thing I should think when I read that is WHAT IN THE FUCKING FUCK OF A FUCK?!??!?11!!!1 but really that's not what comes to mind. What first comes to mind is "German pop star? Neat-o! I'd like to hear a sampling from his catalogue of music and then make fun of him for being a fruit fucker (no homo)."

Alright, Wikipedia, what do you got for me?

...

Um...ok...hey YouTube, let's see some old school Ramma Damma!

...

Really? No? Try "Ulli Hopper?"

...

All music?

...

Myspace?

...

Fuck. Google?

Oct 10, 2008 ... Ramma Damma aka Ulli Hopper a German pop star who dresses entirely in green has gotten married to a pineapple.

Yea no I know, I'm looking for music. Music?

Oct 9, 2008 ... German pop star marries a pineapple...German pop star Ramma Damma, aka Ulli Hopper, decided to get married – to a pineapple.

God DAMNIT!!! Work, Google, WORK!!!

Democratic Underground - ramma damma ding dong

Fuck you, interwebs.

So although the article clearly states that he is a "pop star," and he sorta looks like someone who might be famous, the internet's never heard of him.

Yes. That internet. The same internet where homeless people have MySpace pages has never heard of Ulli Hopper or his stage name "Ramma Damma" (it should be noted that I'm only assuming his stage name is Ramma Damma. That may very well be his real name, and Ulli the nom de plume. Fucked if I care.)

Picking up his bride for about £8 – he wanted one who wasn't cheap – he drove her across the Scottish border to Gretna Green in a Jaguar covered in green AstroTurf.

Well, I mean, in the game of dipshittery, go big or go home I guess. And why did he need to cross the border into Scotland? Is fruit marrying legal for the Scottish? I'd think a Scottish justice of the peace would stomp your neck in if you asked him to marry you to a pineapple. Idunno, maybe I'm old fashioned. And where was Sarah Palin when all of this was going down?!?

There he and the pineapple – which he affectionately named Tippi – were wed before returning to his home in Munich. 'We drove through the night – it was a fun away wedding, not a runaway wedding,' he said.

HAHAHAHAHAHAOHMYGODFUCKINGKILLYOURSELFAAAHAHAHAHAHA get it, 'cause it's not run-away, it's fun-a...way...and that's clever...because...hm.

Getting a little clearer why nothing came up under "pop star."

Ok ok so what's the catch? Doing this for some sorta pineapple awareness retardery? New pineapple based album coming out? True love? Oh. Um. Really? True love? 'Cause I was just kinda throwing that one out there as a joke...

'I loved her. I wanted to marry her. We stayed in Gretna Green Hall Hotel and we were married by a craftsman wearing a kilt.'

Oh, I forgot for a second that you can't see my facial expressions while I type this. This one's sorta saying "holy fuck, somebody kill me or kill Ramma Damma, at this point I don't even care which."

'We enjoyed meals out. We would go to restaurants and she would enjoy a glass of water over dinner.'

Just wanted to remind you out in blogo-inter-web-space-land-o-sphere that this was considered NEWSWORTHY by some actual legit news outlet (and, admittedly, later by Pemulis and myself). NEWSWORTHY. If I owned a newspaper or news channel, I think I'd run with "Nothing of Interest Happened Today" as my top story before this.

'Tippi loved to go to the movies – especially ones about earthquakes – and she would sit on my lap when she got scared.'

Celebrities get away with a lot, man. If I said this shit when I was 13, I'd still be seeing a shrink for it (which might not actually have been the worst thing to happen for me but still) and I wouldn't even have been able to use the excuse "I'm fuckin' 13, I still get to say nonsensical shit out of nowhere for no reason!"

Welp, I tried to hold off as long as I could: let's talk about pineapple fucking.

So this is a pineapple, yea?


So, uh...where ya...where ya stickin' it in there...uh...in that pineapple...there...hm? I mean, if you've ever felt a pineapple you know that shit is hard and rough (ew I'm getting a pineapple now just typing this out, if you know what I mean jajajajajaja), so how are you going to...how do you...you know? HOW???

Ew. You're fucking gross, you know that?

Now in case you were wondering why you've never heard of Hopper,

YEA I'M FUCKIN WONDERIN HAVEN'T YOU READ MY ARTICLE ASSHOLE I READ YOURS HUH??!

this all happened 38 years ago.

Ohhhhhh I seeeee nowwwwww...then what the fuck are you writing this article for?

Today, Hopper is known as the Green Rebel in Munich, where he runs the only 'plant sanctuary' in Germany, accommodating 300 indoor plants.

Ok...still don't see the point of this article, so--

The 65-year-old is almost completely self-sufficient, even making his own stinging nettle spaghetti or brewing plum cider in a 230-litre bin.

Right, still not a news story. Why are you reporting on something that happ--

'I will defend every plant,' he said. 'They are the wonders of our world – we just to need to listen to them.'

DUDE! What the FUCK?!? WHY DID YOU WRITE ANY OF THIS???

...

Hello?

...

Wait, that's it? GAAAAAAAAAAAH Fuckin' foreigners!!!

A Message from John McCain: Barack Obama Doesn't Care About Black People

TaHAAAAA all you pimps, playas, pushas, stickup kids and bucket mouthed ho's!!! It's yo future HNIC, John "Slap Dat Bitch Til Payday" McCizzle up in ya grill like some Johnsonville Brats!

So I'm just here at da crib, you know, sippin on some Dom (NOT Cristal, dat dude's a HATER) and keepin' it lit for big homey Marshawn, and bumpin to some cuts from Young Money (Carter II NOT Carter III like you bandwagon-ass dick ridin' muh-fuckas. Git some history n***a.), and I got to thinking: Barack Obama doesn't care about black people.

Now a lot of people are probably gonna claim dat I'm trippin' because some ig'nant ass bitches think Obama ahead of me in da pollz.

WELL DAS SOME OLD BULLSHIT. STEP YO TRUF GAME UP N***A!!!

This is real talk. Fo years now, Black America hasn't had a true voice in our nation's politics. And now, finally after so much struggle, we got a candidate das gon' look out fo YO paper. And it AIN'T that cracker Obama. FUCK his pasty white ass!

Fo mo proof, here's a pic wit me and my BOY, Latino American Reagge-something rapping artist DADDY YANKEE!


And this is Obama in his last photo shoot for campaign posters:

Das some gay-ass shit, O-homo!!! OHHHHHHSHHHIIIITUSEEWUTIJUSDIDTHERE? NOW who's the black man?!?

(Ok, so I know Daddy Yankee isn't technically black, but he is Latino! Same difference, right?)

And I KNOW I ain't the first person done made THIS association:

amiright? c'mon amiright??? imright. He's like Steve Urkel, while I'M more Stefan Urquelle. In fact, that's a great way to sum up the fundamental difference between me and Senator Obama. HE'S more interested in creating some Flubber type material that's probably going to destroy something and really piss Carl off. I'M all about flossin' stylin' and tappin' Laura's ass.

So in conclusion: blah blah Hip Hop, blah blah Katrina, blah blah plight. Vote for me...PLEASE GOD vote for me!

Whore Day Continues at The Gallimaufry

So I'm sure when you're sitting there thinking about these economic hard times, one of your first thoughts is probably: But how is this affecting New York City prostitutes? Well you're in luck, guy thinking that, because the Daily News is here to help.

The plunging Dow Jones and panicky investors are hardly a problem for the world's oldest profession, where business is still brisk.

Because since the dawn of man, plenty of men have been too pathetic to get laid on their own, and plenty of women have been smart (and also icky) enough to exploit these sad bastards.

"The market is down, business is down, but we feel it less," said Dylan, 24, a promotional model-turned- Manhattan prostitute. "We're still busy."

She then added, "What I mean is we feel it less, like we're not as sore... because like I said business is down. So instead of getting pounded 45 times in a twenty-four hour period, maybe I'm getting rammed like 37 times. It's sort of a nice lil' vacay- for my money maker. Box. And by still busy, I mean of course getting busy![several winks and rapid raising and lowering of eyebrows]"

The long-haired, long-legged hooker then explained why the red-light district remains a blue-chip commodity: "If men are horny, they're going to come in here."

Oh, well thanks for that detailed explanation, sexy Alan Greenspan.

Dylan works for a Manhattan madam who runs a pair of prostitution dens north of Wall Street. Unlike the $4,000-an-hour girls of male fantasies or gubernatorial road trips, Madame Sadie's employees charge $260 for 60 minutes - or $160 for 30 minutes.

Ok, well I guess that kind of answers exactly what kind of nasty lady Lil K Swiss was getting for his money. Also, is it me or is it weird that they charge by the hour? I would have thought there would be like a menu. Like $260 for the whole shebang (umm pun intended?), and maybe $160 for a BJ and etc. Because like once you pony up and pay for a whole hour, do you just do whatever you want? What if the dude is into handcuff and noose-play? Does that shit cost extra or is it included?

"The $1,000-an-hour girls are just not making it" with the economic downturn, the madam said. The faltering economy actually drove two of her newer employees to the madam's sex-peddling service from other careers.

Yea, I mean, it's like, you have to be a reasonably priced whore. You can't be too expensive because you'll lose business. But you can't be too cheap or else you'll attract gangs who might shoot you in the back if you get sleepy. It's a fine line. Being a whore in these troubled times.

Shana, 42, lost her $45,000-a-year job as a secretary last year. Sienna was laid off in July from her job as an executive assistant with a travel agency.

Am I alone in wondering if that's her real name? Because like what are the odds someone she knows is reading this and is like "Oh shit Shana got fired and is a hooker now?!" I guess what I'm really saying is that I wish I knew someone who got fired and became a prostitute. Not knew like, super well or anything, but was acquainted with so I could have a funny story to tell my friends.

Shana, who worked briefly as a waitress before hooking up with her current gig, is putting her son through college. "He's trying to get an engineering degree," she explained. "With the economy the way it is, how is my son going to get a loan? And he's going to finish college."

Never addressed of course is the question on the tip of everyone's tongue... does he know what you're doing to put him through college?!! Can't he engineer some way to make his mom not a whore? See what I did there?

Co-worker Sara, a 26-year-old former hairstylist, said her services provide businessmen with a break from the grim realities of their 9-to-5 jobs.

She then added that her services provide her with a belly full of semen and sore vagina.

"Some of them seem depressed, and they just want a place to get away from it," said the petite, dark-haired woman.

Maybe I'm alone here, but I've never been depressed and thought "You know what would make me feel a lot better? Paying for sex with some sleazy woman. I'll make it rain, then feel right as rain."

Sienna, who's earning a graduate degree in English literature, mentioned a Manhattan banker who's among her regulars. He now spends less time and money - although he doesn't miss his regular appointments.

So in turn she makes it a point to yawn and roll her eyes and look at her watch and read Tolstoy while he's nailing her.

But Dylan said business was steadier in her new position than when she was chasing down modeling jobs. "The money is good in that field," she said, "but you don't always get the work."

So she's a lazy whore, basically. "Man, I loved modeling, but you had to do all this work. Going places, trying to meet people. Bullshit all around. Being a whore I don't even have to leave this room! All I have to do is lie there and take it like a...well a whore I guess."

So Shooting Sleepy Whores is Illegal?

Look, if I had a gun and was paying for sex, and then the prostitute I paid for said coitus gets all tired after ten minutes or so and decides to bail, guess what. She's getting shot...a dirty look. Ryan Graham however, prefers the dirty look that is accompanied by a bullet.

A 20-year-old man shot a prostitute in the back because she got tired of having sex for 10 minutes, according to a search warrant.

I mean, to be fair, she was in breach of contract. But come on, shoot her in the back? Man-up, bro. Damn.

Ryan Graham and the victim agreed to a deal of $20 for sex in the west alley of the 200 block of T Street on Sept. 17, police said.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa... hang on a sec here. 20$?! For all-the-waysies?!! That seems like a fucking amazing deal! How much for an HJ? Like a dollar? I am sooo on the next bus to... oh man! California? Damnit. Oh well... Though to be honest I guess I really have no idea how much prostitution generally costs. I always imagined it being more pricey. Though I guess this particular whore could have just been incredibly disgusting. The thought here being that you get what you pay for? I don't really know where I'm going with this. Abort!

The woman suffered a collapsed lung and was taken to Kern Medical Center, the search warrant said. She was not identified because she fears for her safety.

Here's where the person writing that news blurb should have interjected something like, "Overshot the mark to point out that apparently this Ryan Graham character is involved in some serious gang activity." Anyway, some commenter suggests looking this guy up, and offered a website where you can see his crime record. That site is here.

Here's a rundown:

Defendant name:
GRAHAM, RYAN
Aliases:
GRAHAM, RYAN JERMAINE
LIL SWIZZ
LIL K SWISS [Ed. Note: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha]
So, what has Lil K Swiss done wrong?
June of 06: Possession of pot and resisting arrest. Bail: 485$
November of 06: Possession of pot and minor with alcohol. Fined $381
January of 07: Drunk and disorderly. Fined $400
May of 07: Threaten with intent to terrorize. Charges dismissed - insufficient cause.
August of 07: Possession of a controlled substance with a loaded firearm, criminal street gang carrying a loaded firearm, participating in a street gang, and possessing a firearm in violation of probation. Served 189 days in prison.
January of 08: [Ed. note: like immediately after he's out of fucking jail] Misdemeanor spousal abuse. [Ed. note, again: some poor bitch married this fuck?]. Served 3 days in jail.
May of 08: Misdemeanor spousal abuse. [thank god they decided to try and work it out] 30 Days in jail, served 19 (good behavior)
July of 08: Threaten with intent to terrorize, assault with a deadly weapon other than a firearm, vandalism. Trial set to start next month (though something tells me this will be the least of his problems)... which of course all leads us up to ...
September of 08: Attempted murder, assault with a firearm, battery with serious bodily injury, possession of a firearm within ten years of a conviction, obstruction of justice and trying to prevent a witness from reporting.

I know what you're thinking: But so what has Lil K Swiss done that's really bad? And to that I counter with: his name is Lil K Swiss. "I'm like that shoe! Only teensie!" His words.

Another prostitute gave police a description of the suspect's vehicle and officers found the automobile in the 400 block of Eye Street.

Here's what I'm confused about. If you're the cop taking a deposition from another woman whom you know for a fact is a prostitute... do you just like, look the other way? I mean, it seems like it would be a hard thing to overlook. Like I get the bigger fish to fry angle and everything, but like, isn't there some obligation to arrest the whore? And I'm not saying that because I think he should, necessarily, but like do they have to grant them immunity to talk with them first or something? I'd like to know how this works. You know, just in case.

Police went to the home and interviewed Graham who identified himself as Nigel Patterson, the search warrant said. Graham then ran away from the back door and was caught after a short chase.

"Oh, you're looking for Lil K Swiss? Well I am Nigel Patterson, British royalty, actually. Now I'm sure you must be wondering what I'm doing at the home of this neighborhood tough. Well I am an adventurer and philanthropist. I've decided to take him under my wing and... oh. Search warrant? Fuck. Well you forgot one thing...WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" [points in other direction, runs away, is caught]

Graham was taken to KMC and the victim identified him as the shooter, police said. Graham grimaced, shook his head in a negative manner in an attempt to intimidate the victim, the court document said.

He seemed to being trying to give off signals that were he to be identified, the victim could get hurt. Unfortunately for Lil K Swiss, he had forgotten that he had recently shot said victim in the back, and that she was with police. Thus the threat of violence seemed to fall a little flat.

Police have taken a DNA sample of Graham.

"We think you're the shooter. Now beat off in this cup!" "Wow, prison is awesome!"

One can only hope that Lil K Swiss will not be fatigued in prison, where he will certainly be getting sexxed on for longer than ten minutes.

Jesus Shark

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Shark, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting shark-life.

Now imagine that video with a shark.

Scientists have confirmed the second case of a "virgin birth" in a shark.

"Hi mista baby shawk! I has a daddy, do you has a daddy?"

In a study reported Friday in the Journal of Fish Biology, scientists said DNA testing proved that a pup carried by a female blacktip shark in a Virginia aquarium contained no genetic material from a male.

I find it weird that the blacktip shark couldn't find a male shark to knock her up. You know what they say: Once you go blacktip, you never go back, Skip.

"This first case was no fluke," Demian Chapman, a shark scientist and lead author of the second study, said in a statement. "It is quite possible that this is something female sharks of many species can do on occasion."

How does one get to be a shark scientist? What an awesome title. "Nerd, you're a scientist!" "Back the fuck up, bitch. I'm a shark scientist." "Oh snap!" ...Or whatever. This whole asexual thing sounds familiar...why does this sound... familiar...

...

...

I've always simply said that life, uh... finds a way.

Hi Doctor Malcolm! Thanks for that little visit. Anyway, I'd continue with the article but the idea is really way better than the reality. It's mostly science-y and pretty boring. What I would like to do now, however, is to continue with the posting pictures pictures of random shit found when googling. Here are some select choices from "Jesus shark":

And for no particular reason at all: some bloopers from the bbc Office.

Look, Honey, it's Flip-AHHHH GOD MY TESTICLES AND BUTTOCKS

Ok, so this post doesn't really have anything to do with testicles and buttocks injuries, but it just flows off the tongue so smoothly...

Four people were riding in a boat off the coast of Volusia County on Thursday when a dolphin jumped out of the water and hit two of them in the chest.

Firstly: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA awesome. Secondly: ...no, I guess that first point sums it up nicely.

Oh! I should mention: when the article says the dolphin "hit" two people in the chest, it wasn't like it came up and jump-kicked them or playfully nudged them with its beak-mouth thingy, it full on Jimmy Superfly Snuka'd (1:43 mark) their asses.

Norman Howard came out of the hospital...in remarkably good shape considering that his morning outing...ended with a 9-foot, 400-pound dolphin in his lap."It was slapping me pretty, hard. It was throwing some good punches," Howard said.

I'm just going to say it, and all you bushy vag'd tree fuckers can SUCK it: this attack was premeditated and there needs to be legal action taken against the marine mammal in question. And don't give me that, "you can't arrest me, I'm a marine mammal" bullshit either! If you can work in Hollywood, you can be tried as a human adult person guy.

The group of four had just picked up bait for fishing and was cruising in the Intracoastal Waterway when the dolphin jumped, with no warning,

That fucking inconsiderate piece of SHIT dolphin. No heads-up? No "check it check it I'ma jump awl up in ya boat-piece?" Oh Flippa KNEW what he was doin. Flippa BEEN known.

The mammal landed across the bow, right on top of the couple sitting in the front of the boat. "I was just trying to get it off my wife. I knew she was underneath all of it," Howard said.

That's funny, that's usually my first thought right after sex.

PFFFFTAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAGAGAGAGAGAHAHAHAJAJAJAJAJAOMIGODIMSOFUCKINFUNNYAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOLYSHIT
Oh God, there's nothing not funny about this story!

"I turned immediately to my wife, took my shirt off, tucked it under her head, and there was blood everywhere."

Fuckin' killjoy.

The group tried to continue their cruise down the Intracoastal Waterway, but when Howard's wife Barbara started having blurred vision, they cut the trip short and met up with the Coast Guard.

Wait wait wait wait hold up woah woah hey wait woah hey woah HEY. They tried to continue the cruise? So wait wait woah hold up hey wait. A 9ft long, 400 lb dolphin rose out of the water, jumped onto the boat and crushed two of the passengers, and they decided to "shake it off?" And only after the woman who was lying on the boat with blood exiting her head and infiltrating, and I quote "everywhere," only after she said her vision was blurry did they decide to call it a day? Fuckin' rich people man. Crazy ass motherfuckers man.

Eyewitness News asked all the agencies that work on the water, Fish and Wildlife, Beach Patrol and Coast Guard, and no one can ever remember a report of a dolphin doing this.

I CALL BULLSHIT! I had to do little more than google "scary dolphin" to find serveral, SEVERAL mind you, pictures of dolphins being...y'know...scary. The evidence:

Well, that's just science.

Scene missing: Where the dolphin totally jacks that dude's wallet, iPod and Puka shell necklace.

Just. Not. Right.

Meh. Just 'cause.

Criminal? Maybe. Ugly as shit? Definitely.

Ka-PLOW LIL BIIIIIITCH.

So in closing...um...dolphins. Thank you for your time.

Judge's Latest Attempt to Become Basis for Disney Movie Fails

Andrew Vactor was from the wrong side of the tracks. Street smart. One tough cookie. He thought he could terrorize his neighborhood with the scary African sounds of "Rap-Hop Music." He thought no one could stop him...until he met...

**Record scratch**

Crazy Champaign County Municipal Court Judge Susan Fornof-Lippencott!!!

Judge SFL: I sentence you to...Beethoven!

**Another record scratch**

Andrew: Whaaaaaa?!?!?!?!? Oh, you MUST be trippin!

**Series of toned-down slapstick that can't possibly have anything to do with plot of movie set to the song "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" for some inexplicable fucking reason**

This Christmas, Disney Pictures, the company who brought you decent movies up until about 1995 or so, brings you...

BACH TO THE HOOD

(This movie is rated PG for content, brief language, and an extended gang rape scene)

Judge Susan Fornof-Lippencott always wanted to be in showbiz. Unfortunately for her, she grew up with the last name Lippencott, and later married a man with the last name Fornof, and decided to have a hyphenated surname. Now we all know that Hollywood's surname cut-off point is 15 letters (Schwarzenegger juuuust managed to slip in there), so there'd be no starring roles in Susan's future.

Only solution?

Do something so fucking cheesy and schlocky and "Oh-my-gosh-no-she-di'int" that Disney will have no choice but to turn it into a shitstink movie "Based on a True Story" with Susan Sarandon and a Jonas Brother (Miley Cyrus was attached to the project but pulled out when they refused to let her do an anal scene.)

Andrew Vactor was facing a $150 fine for playing rap music too loudly on his car stereo in July. But a judge offered to reduce that to $35 if Vactor spent 20 hours listening to classical music by the likes of Bach, Beethoven and Chopin.

Wow! How edgy and progressive! This young youth is certainly headed down the wrong path, made obvious by his decision to listen to the rap music (if you can call that noise "music," amiright? amiright??), so Susie, ever the hip, cool, totally "with it" judge, decides to broaden his horizons with the "Top 40 Hits" of 1305 or whenever...why, who knows what new heights Andrew will achieve now! Perhaps he'll become the next great classical composer!!! Perhaps--

Vactor, 24, lasted only about 15 minutes, a probation officer said.

Pffffffffffftaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha pwned, Judge Fortoncoffowiz-Jabberwockycofffoladidadiwelikestaparty! In yo face wit a can uv mace!

It wasn't the music, Vactor said, he just needed to be at practice with the rest of the Urbana University basketball team.

This kinda confuses me. Does that mean that he had to listen to 20 hours of classical music, like, right there? On the spot all at once? I was under the impression that it was more of a "concherto a night" type situation rather than a "re-enactment of the torture scene in Clockwork Orange" type deal.

Champaign County Municipal Court Judge Susan Fornof-Lippencott says the idea was to force Vactor to listen to something he might not prefer, just as other people had no choice but to listen to his loud rap music.

Oooooohhhhhh see nowwwww I get it! She wasn't trying to give the kid culture, she was just trying to use the same methods of punishment one would use on their dog after it pissed on the carpet.

**Rubbing face in wet spot** "You like that?!? You like the smell of piss??? **grits teeth** Huh? You like that?!? BAD FUCKING DOG! BAD!!!"

She's also taped TV shows for defendants in other cases to watch on topics such as financial responsibility. As she sees it, they get the chance to have their fine reduced "and at the same time broaden their horizons."

"Hey," added judge Lastnamewaaaaytoocomplicatedformetoretype, "It beats making judgements based on evidence and assigning the appropriate disciplinary action."

Oh shit! No pics in this post...you'll have to excuse me, I'm a little rusty...ummmmmmmm...ah, here!
My work here is done.