A Message from John McCain: Barack Obama Doesn't Care About Black People

TaHAAAAA all you pimps, playas, pushas, stickup kids and bucket mouthed ho's!!! It's yo future HNIC, John "Slap Dat Bitch Til Payday" McCizzle up in ya grill like some Johnsonville Brats!

So I'm just here at da crib, you know, sippin on some Dom (NOT Cristal, dat dude's a HATER) and keepin' it lit for big homey Marshawn, and bumpin to some cuts from Young Money (Carter II NOT Carter III like you bandwagon-ass dick ridin' muh-fuckas. Git some history n***a.), and I got to thinking: Barack Obama doesn't care about black people.

Now a lot of people are probably gonna claim dat I'm trippin' because some ig'nant ass bitches think Obama ahead of me in da pollz.

WELL DAS SOME OLD BULLSHIT. STEP YO TRUF GAME UP N***A!!!

This is real talk. Fo years now, Black America hasn't had a true voice in our nation's politics. And now, finally after so much struggle, we got a candidate das gon' look out fo YO paper. And it AIN'T that cracker Obama. FUCK his pasty white ass!

Fo mo proof, here's a pic wit me and my BOY, Latino American Reagge-something rapping artist DADDY YANKEE!


And this is Obama in his last photo shoot for campaign posters:

Das some gay-ass shit, O-homo!!! OHHHHHHSHHHIIIITUSEEWUTIJUSDIDTHERE? NOW who's the black man?!?

(Ok, so I know Daddy Yankee isn't technically black, but he is Latino! Same difference, right?)

And I KNOW I ain't the first person done made THIS association:

amiright? c'mon amiright??? imright. He's like Steve Urkel, while I'M more Stefan Urquelle. In fact, that's a great way to sum up the fundamental difference between me and Senator Obama. HE'S more interested in creating some Flubber type material that's probably going to destroy something and really piss Carl off. I'M all about flossin' stylin' and tappin' Laura's ass.

So in conclusion: blah blah Hip Hop, blah blah Katrina, blah blah plight. Vote for me...PLEASE GOD vote for me!

Dr. Pemulis' Good Time Family Subway Solution (Berbalerbs Remix): Subway Wanderers

Back on my grind once again for Doc Pemulis...in this post, we'll be discussing "Subway Wanderers" who are basically--

Ok wait. Stop. I just, I can't. I can't do this yet. I have to say something.

Pemulis: please note I value you not only as a friend and butt buddy, but also as a journalistical blogospheric engineerist. But what the hell does the title of this thing mean?

I mean, most of it is fine:
Dr. Pemulis' Good Time Family Subway Solution

Dr. Pemulis' (didn't know you got your PhD, but whatevs, congrats)
Good Time (always, fo sho)
Family (sure)
Subway (relevant)
Solution..?

Maybe it's just me but I don't see what problem is being solved by bitching about mouth breathing...but I'll stop. 90% of our readership (read: Pemulis) probably stopped reading this by now because this post is supposed to be about the subway...

Let's fuckin' dance.

How I imagine tall people see the world. ::sigh::

So this is what the subway generally looks like during "rush hour," which consists of the hours that all us good little worker ants go to work, and the hours when we return home to scrape our pipes for marijuana resin, drink PBR (non-ironically; I'm just that poor) and play video game baseball for 6 hours before we realize it's past midnight, we haven't eaten and we smell like shit (maybe this isn't "we," maybe just me. Whatever. Fuck you.).

You're standing there, kinda squished, minding your own business, listening to Gasolina by Daddy Yankee and trying to sing along to the words even though you don't speak Spanish (sumo-lay-mambo-pakka-me-gotta-Pringles-low-mow-Torres!!!). All of a sudden, you feel a push, followed shortly after by a frustrated "Excuuuuse me." You turn around, and to your surprise, here comes a dumb motherfucker trying to climb over dozens of people to move through the subway car...FOR NO FUCKING REASON.

Listen. If the subway car you are in looks like this:

I'd say it's fair to guess that THEY'RE ALL LIKE THAT, YA FUCKIN' MONGOLOID!!! What in the ever-loving FUCK are you looking for? Do you expect the next car to be empty, maybe 2 or 3 people, maybe some nice music playing, pretty bitches in short skirts serving complimentary cocktails? THIS IS NEW YORK, TAINT-STAIN! Our subways are crowded and smelly. ALL OF 'EM. So stand still, stop bumping into EVERY-FUCKING-BODY and let me enjoy my reggeaton.

...bay-Ali-guntala-GASO-LEEEE-NAAAA...