Pimpin' Ain't Easy

You needsta step yo pimp game UP, NEPHEW!

In an affront to all us pimps out here, Rick Rossin' it, tryin' to do the right thing and not love deez ho's, a Springfield-based "pimp" got the shit slapped out of him.

Here's how it went down...

So this dude, Anthony Mello picks up some skeezy lil' ho up on da street all like,

Skeezy Ho: Hey baby, how youuuuu?

Mello: How much dat ass cost?

Skeezy Ho: Whatchu want?

Mello: DATASS, bitch! Is you deaf?

Skeezy Ho: Aight, cutie, unlock yo' do' and le's go!

Mello: Nah, crawl through da window, bitch!

...oh, by the bye...do you come with a money back guarantee?

So they do the do, right? And for some reason (the article never explains it because "real" journalists suck and never ask the good questions) this dude wants some of his money back.

Uh, excuuuuuuse me?

Not all of it. Just some of it. So it's not like they didn't have sex, or he pulled her panties off and found a surprise (your gun is digging into my hip...ewwwwww). So what the fuck?

Did she sneeze in his face whilst making whoopie? Did she let loose a silent-but-deadly while he was hittin' that from behind? Did she burp on his dick? WTF,M-erF-er?

Yeah baby, I'ma need liiiiiike, $15, maybe $20 back...dat ass was NOT worf a whole $25.

Mello told police when he tried to take his money back, she called her husband, who was waiting downstairs in a vehicle.

Ok so she calls her pimp and-- wait, WHAT? Her...husband?

Hi sweety, how'd it go? Did he have a nice cock? Wanna hit up red lobster?

Can you imagine this dude's life? Sitting in his car, singing along to Ne-Yo's new song on the radio, sipping a green tea Snapple, all while his wife is getting pounded by some complete stranger in fairly close proximity (my boy Pemulis raised a very good question: "does she kiss him when she comes back?" ewwwwww). And THEN some motherfucker's talking about a REFUND??

Arright, Taquito, you chill here...daddy's gotta talk to some dude about our "no refunds" policy.

The woman told police that when her husband entered the residence, Mello threw her husband to the floor and punched him in the face at least six times. The woman said Mello pulled her husband by the ankles down a flight of stairs. The woman said she saw her husband's head hit each step on the way down.

DAYYYYYUUUUUUMMMMMM!!! If there's any justice in this world, immediately after the beating, the pimp/husband opened his eyes and saw this:

Anyway, this dude, Mr. "Mello," sounds like a bad-ass mother shut your mouth. Pimp busts in the door, BAM! Mello's got him on the ground BAM! punchin' his face to shit BAM! draggin' him down the stairs...now that's some cold shit. I bet he did it all slow, watchin' dude's head bounce off each stair...clunk...clunk...clunk...man, this dude might be the most bad-ass dude I've ever written about in my long and illustrious career unless there's something I overlooked and I don't think there is so it's official, he's the mo--

Mello told police he was brought back to the scene by his parents.

Pfffft...bitch...

So then, they get into the actual escort service who set up this magical evening, and all of a sudden the article turns into a writing assignment penned by an 8 year old.

A woman who answered the phone says the couple was trying to rip off the customer.
She says the company does not hire any women.

Instead she says the women pay the company a fee for referrals to clients.

The woman says they can not control everything that the women do.

She says the company does not encourage or require women to solicit money for sex.

I just picture the reporter on the phone, repeating word-for-word what the escort chick is telling him, while his 8 year old son is transcribing for him. "Daddy, what's 'money for sex' mean?" "Stick around your old man, son...and you'll learn alllllllll about it."

Greene County Prosecutor Darrell Moore says the serious assault raises questions about the legitimacy and nature of the escort business.

"It almost seems like them girls is lookin' ta offer more than a nice evenin' a'conversay-shun," said Moore, amongst a sea of guffaws.

Ev-weebody Knows I'm da best!

Wif de end of da season coming soon, da media wikes to give out toys to the bestest guys in da weague. And it's my tuwn to git it!! All of da guys awe saying I sould win da cyound awawd. Wook what Jon Jonovan wote:

The Giants are in the middle of what is euphemistically called a "rebuilding" phase. No one is more important to it than their 24-year-old baby-faced ace, who is making a convincing case for the NL's Cy Young award.

Lincecum, with just 51 career starts, leads the league in ERA (2.43) and strikeouts (210) and is second to the Mets' Johan Santana in quality starts (22 out of his 27 starts). He is also 15-3 on a team that is 19 games below .500. Nobody in the league who has won at least 12 games plays on a team with a worse record.

Cy Young winners from losing teams aren't as rare as you might think. Of the last 11 NL winners, two came from losing teams. In 1997, Montreal's Pedro Martinez (17-8, 1.90) won. And in 2006, Arizona's Brandon Webb -- the sinkerballer considered the front-runner for the NL Cy this year -- won with a 16-8 record and a 3.10 ERA. Webb is 19-6, with a 3.19 ERA, this season.

Wut Jon dinint menshun is dat I did it all befow I tuwned 8! Nobody ewse is frown da ball better dan me whos doesnint got birthdays on both hands fingers! I know suntimes I missed my naps and dinint fwow the bawl so good, but I is still da best in da weague! And I knows I dinint do so goods wast night, but dey made me pitch past my bedtime and I was sweepies! Wookit, I has a ice cweam cone!

Jus kinnin, dats a baseball gwove! Wait, what I is sayin? Oh wight. I fwow'd da baseball so good. Wook what Jayson Stawks writed! And him's Iown Man!

Papa says if I wins da awawd I's gunna get a puppys!!

Man Tries to Amputate Arm At Denny's, Enjoys Moon Over My Hammy.

So let's say you shoot some cocaine into your arm(who does that? that's what your nose is for, jackass). Anyway, you're pretty sure you've injected some air in with that cocaine. So now on top of being really really high, you're certain you're going to die. It seems the only sensible option would be to run into the nearby Denny's and try and cut your arm off right? Oh, right. Not at all. Well, no one told that to Michael Lasiter.

Modesto police say a local man who tried to cut off his own arm at a Denny's restaurant thought he had injected air into one of his veins while shooting cocaine and would die unless he took drastic action.

Now, I'm not a medical type doctorish guy, but I have seen this happen in a number of movies. In all of them, which I assume are completely factual, the person dies within like, 30 seconds. Because the air bubble in your vain travels through your arm and makes your brain or heart explode or something when it gets there. And after googling "injecting air into your veins", Yahoo Answers was kind enough to inform me that only injecting a massive amount of air into your veins does it become lethal. A tiny little bit shouldn't be a problem. See, these are the types of things you should find out before you decide to inject yourself with cocaine! Then he could have just gone into Denny's and enjoyed an All-Star Grand Slam. Nah, I'm just joshin', no one wants to eat after the snow falls, as it were.

The man, identified by police as Michael Lasiter, 33, rushed into the restaurant on Friday night and started stabbing himself in the right arm with a butter knife he grabbed from a customer's table, police say. When that knife didn't work, Lasiter allegedly took a butcher knife from the kitchen and dug it into his arm.

Can you imagine how fucking awesome it would have been to be there to witness that kind of insanity? Unfortunately that would require being at a Denny's... I like the idea that he tried to amputate his arm with someone's butter knife though. that's fucking dedication. Also, how yipped out of your goddamn mind do you have to be to stab yourself in the arm repeatedly? He must have been main-lining that shi.. oh, right.

Lasiter, who was subdued with a taser and taken to a local hospital with severe cuts, told officers he thought he needed to amputate his arm to keep himself from dying from the cocaine injection, says Modesto police Sgt. Brian Findlen.

Oh, that's how yipped. Needing a taser to take him down, jaysus! I wonder what the charges are for something like this. Aside from the drug stuff, obvi. Because isn't he kind of doing everyone at Denny's a favor by keeping them from eating Denny's? Even if it's just for a few minutes. And plus, that shit's dinner and a show!

The Denny's closed for the night after the incident.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
You monsters!!!!!

I Now Pronounce You...Really F*cked Up.

Jason and Rachael Storm (no relation) decided they were going to have a "different" type of wedding. They wanted to have it somewhere cozy, somewhere intimate, somewhere familiar...somewhere frequented by lots and lots of corpses all the time.

Jason and Rachael Storm held their wedding at Starks and Menchinger Family Funeral Home, where he is a funeral director.Their reception, including dinner and dancing, also was held at the funeral home.

"Honeymoon Suite"

I'm just going to take a second to bask in the fantasticality that is a bunch of people dancing to "Woomp, There It Is" in the same room they said their final good-byes to Aunt Fanny about a year ago.

Aaaaaaah...

Ok. Where were we?

"This room is usually filled with sadness and contemplation, but today it is filled with joy and celebration," the Rev. Greg Prather said at the start of Saturday's ceremony.

Rev. Prather quickly followed that sentiment up with a sigh, a shake of the head, a questioning "why me" look upwards towards God, another sigh, another shake of the head (this one aimed directly at the bride and groom), a frown, another sigh, a shrug of the shoulders, and a final sigh.

Jason Storm, 24, doesn't see much difference between getting married in a church or the funeral home. "I look at it as, if you go to a church and get married, how many caskets do you think have been rolled down that aisle?" he told The Herald-Palladium of St. Joseph.

Great point there, Vincent Price. I just picture him looking for a high five from someone right after that quote...only to be disappointed that the corpses surrounding him left him hanging.

Rachael Storm, also 24, said the location did "not creep me out at all."

Well, I'm convinced! That definitely sounds like someone who isn't forcing herself to accept the fact that her hubby didn't want to leave his house of death for even one day.

Hi, Mrs. Storm, this is Brent Cocklog from the Herald-Palladium...what are your feelings on the Fun-o-wedding? Or the "wederal." Not sure which one I'm going with yet...

"It doesn't creep me out at all!"

Well, that's good because for some people--

"I said it's FINE, now BACK OFF!"

Ok, Miss, I didn't mean to off--

"MY HUSBAND'S NOT CRAZY!!! HE JUST HAPPENS TO LIKE THE DEAD MORE THAN THE LIVING! TOTALLY HEALTHY!!!"

...

"STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!!!"

Um...this is Brent Cocklog, coming to you live...from the site of a doomed marriage. Back to you, Kent!

Rachael Storm said some invited guests initially refused to attend, but the couple assured family and friends there would not be any caskets or corpses in the room.

...at least not 'til the reception. You know the old saying, "can't keep a corpse from a good cold-cuts buffet!"

Pelf-a-Mania

The following bloggery is in reference to the Mets - Marlins contest on the date of August the 30th, 2008 year of Our Lord. I know it's a bit late in its arrival, but fuck you, I don't blog on Saturdays.

WARNING: This post may be amusing to myself and Pemulis only. And possibly 7-9 year olds. And definitely retards. They'll LOVE this shit...anyone else, read at your own discretion.

The following is a presentation of the WWF...from back in the 80's when times were simpler, and balls were smaller.

Mean Gene: Hello everyone, I'm "Mean" Gene Okerlund, and we're coming to you LIVE from Miller Park in Milwaukee, Wisconsin! Without wasting any time, let's get right to it: there's been a grudge a'brewing since this past Saturday that may rise to "barn-burner" proportions! A real slobberknocker, if you will! Haymaker! Um...uh....intestinal fortitude! NOW, please help me introduce one of the men involved in this new bru-ha-ha,

Big Motherfuckin' PELF HOOOOOOOOOOOGAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!

Entrance music, fireworks, midgets

THANKS MEAN GEEEEEEEEEEEENE!
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLISTEN, BROTHER! I GOTTA TELL YA, THE PELFSTER, IS MAD, HE'S ANGRY, HE'S...OTHER SYNONYMS FOR MAD, BROTHER!

"Mean" Gene: Well what-in-the-world has got you this worked up Pelfster?

Pelfster: LLLLLLLLLISTEN BRRROTHER!!! The Pelfster was just doing his thing, right? Sayin' his prayers, eating his vitamins, painting his corners, RIGHT GEEENE?!? When all of a sudden, some no good, non prayer sayin', no vitamin takin' DUUUUUUDE tries to ruin the BMFP's fun!

"Mean" Gene: BMFP?

Pelfster: BIIIIIG MOTHERRRRR FUCKIN PELF, GENE!

"Mean" Gene: I see. Well I've gotta ask ya, where's -- Wait just a minute, it's it's--

It's Cody "Iron" Ross and his manager Classy Freddy Blassy!!!...er...via satellite.

Iron Ross: Mahkaamallupppadladukka Mahahajomimbonako Blaghghghadkecchdecsh!

Freddy Blassy: That loosely translates to "fuck you Pelfster."

Pelfster: Nah, fuck YOUUUUUUUUU, BRRRRRRRRRRROTHER! You wanna come around and act all bitchy just 'cause I hit your little elbow armor thingy while you were tryin' to get up in my Kool-Aid!?!? NNNNNNNNNNNO ONE GETS UP IN THE PELFSTER'S KOOL-AID, BROTHER!

Freddy Blassy: Listen, Pelfster--

Pelfster: No, YYYYYYYYYOU LISTEN, BRRRRRRRROTHER!!!

Freddy Blassy: ...yes?

Pelfster: Um...sorry. I...I actually don't have anything to say. Habit. Sorry. You were saying?

Freddy Blassy: I, uh...I um...Damnit, I lost my train of thought!

Pelfster: Sorry, brother.

Iron Ross: Pleaghbedashkia Mooshoomooshomooshoommommy!!! (positions roughly 124 people in between himself and Pelfster) Wan do fight!!!

Pelfster: You're old news, BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROTHER! The Pelfster's got more important things on his mind, Like phightin' off those Philly Phag-boys! Especially that coconut Shane "Superfly" Victorino!!!! Philly, WATCHA GONNA DO WHEN PELF-A-MANIA RUNS WILD ON YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

"Mean" Gene: Big words from the Big Motherfuckin' P--oh my GOODNESS! From outta NOWHERE!

Superfly: Pnumanumakuaapuaapao!

Pelfster: Phuckin' Phoreigners.

Man, This Guy Is Nuts!

Alright, all the gentlemen in the audience, prepare to cringe and want to die. Because a guy in Malaysia had to have a nut removed from his dongle. You read that right. Not one of his nuts, but a nut. Like a metal nut. Removed. From his wang. That's why the title to this post is so side-splitting-ly hilarious!

So, this welder is about to propose some beautiful woman. He thinks to himself "Boy, it sure would be nice to have a more impressive wiener. I wonder if there's anything around the garage I can use to weigh it down, stretch that fucker out. I foresee absolutely nothing that could go wrong by doing this." He then finds a nut (which, by the way, he must have been insanely tiny to get a nut on there in the first place - berbs understands this guys logic fairly well), slaps on in the hopes that it will weigh it down and stretch it out. Somehow, this plan went awry! I wonder how.

The nut got stuck on his penis following an erection, the Star newspaper said, forcing him to seek help at a hospital in southern Johor state.

Boners are to blame?! I never thought I would see the day when a boner caused someone anything but immense happiness. This is truly a sad day. Also, is there a more embarrassing condition to need to seek help for? "Well as you can see, my penis is incredibly tiny. I thought having this nut on here would weigh it down, but then on comes Golden Girls and bam! I'm up shit creek with only this boner, which is clearly too tiny to use as a paddle." But I'm sure they just greased up his wiener and slid the thing off no harm no foul...

Staff from the Sultanah Aminah hospital had to drain some blood from the penis and cut away a top layer of skin before the object could be removed, the newspaper said.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh god. Oh holy baby Jesus that is disgusting. Here's how I'm fairly certain the scene went down:

"Well, we're going to have to drain some blood out of there to get it off(ha!)."

"Ok, how are you going to do that?"

"Well, you see here we've got this leech... (looks at leech, then wiener) oh hey, look, twinsies!"

"Haha real fucking funny, please get this thing off my cock"

"Hmm... seems to still be on there pretty good. You know how sometimes you take sausage out of the casing before you cook with it and stuff? Imagine that but on your wiener, which resembles a sausage in shape only, because it's the size of my pinky up to the first knuckle, so don't think I was trying to compliment you in anyway."

"..."

"The patient is now recovering and we hope to discharge him today (Sunday)," hospital director Daud Abdul Rahim told the Star.


That's it. That's how this fucker ends. No details on how the engagement went, if they put the skin back on, if he proposed and the woman laughed in his face. Nothing. Well, that's not entirely true, there's this little gem at the end:

On August 25, another young man in Kuala Lumpur had tried to increase his sexual prowess by slipping a steel ring around his penis, forcing the fire department to cut off the ring after doctors were unable to remove it, the newspaper said.

So I guess it's pretty common for people in Malaysia to both have tiny wieners and be incredibly stupid. Good to know. Or something. Just remember that if you're a fire man, try not to get transferred to Malaysia. Because in all likelihood you will have to help someone with something stuck to his cock. Unless you're Chuck and Larry and that's your thing. Or whatever. The end?

Dr. Pemulis's Good-Time Family Subway Solution: Totes Off Topic!!

So today riding the train, I was lost in thought. I was deeply troubled by a movie I had watched Sunday(as well as numerous times prior). The movie in question is Back to the Future Part II. Now, my quarrel has naught to do with any of the time travelling issues that might arise after a long thought about their logistics. My problem comes about a half hour into the movie. The police find Jennifer asleep, read her thumbprint, figure out who she is and decide to bring her home. Marty and Doc. Brown watch this situation unfold, and Doc. Brown says they can't intervene. He says something to the effect of "What do we tell them? That we're time travellers and she was asleep?!?!"

He then realizes the implications of what could happen once they bring her home: she encounters her future self, a time paradox occurs, universe explodes, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria. Or something. The plan then is to intercept Jennifer at the house before she encounters her future self or anyone else.

My question is this: Couldn't they have just walked up to the cops and had Marty say "Oh that's my wife. Sometimes she sleepwalks." Then they read his thumbprint, see that he's telling the truth, then send them on their merry way? This literally has been driving me nuts for the past two days (one might say I need to get a life). But seriously, wouldn't that have been a viable option? The genius who invented a time machine cant invent up a little white lie to explain why a woman is sleeping on the street?

FUCK!