Dr. Pemulis's 100% Natural Good Time Family Subway Solution: The Imaginary Hero

It's been a while since our last installment of my good time family subway solution, but this really stuck in my craw this morning. I'm sure we've all been in subways that resemble this before:

Naturally, this is unpleasant for all parties involved. However, most considerate and decent people try their best to make sure that you are not obnoxiously bumping into someone or doing anything particularly annoying, so as to make the ride as tolerable as possible for everyone on the train. Not so this morning. A fairly crowded train in this morning (it takes me 3 - sometimes 4 - trains to get to the office). So there's a woman a couple of feet from me, and the train is a bit shaky, as trains tend to get. Now, she is swaying a bit, and her purse continually knocks into me. I'm sure you've all been there. It's not a huge deal, not the end of the world to be sure, but it is fucking. annoying. I have nowhere to move to, and she could very easily take half a step forward and avoid hitting me with her goddamn bag every with every downbeat the subway takes. Begin transmission from brain:

Say something bitch. I bet you think it's my fucking fault that your purse keeps hitting me. Fucking say something you stupid cow. Say something and I will fucking throw you in the gap and make sure your stupid whore face gets run over. Bet it would be an improvement. Fuck you and your stupid ugly purse. Bet you have like a thousand dildos in there you ugly would be slut. Move you fuck! Take half a goddamn step that way so your purse stops fucking hitting me. I know you can fucking feel it, just fucking move. Why are you hell bent on having me destroy you with my mind. MURDERMURDERMURDERMURDER. Come on bitch, say something so that I can explain politely how it's your fault and then end the sentence by politely suggesting you fuck yourself on a railroad spike while the rest of the subway car cheers me on like the hero that I am. Standing up for the imprisoned everywhere. We won't take your shit anymore!!!

Her(hitting me again): Excuse me.

Me: Oh, sorry (steps awkwardly to left).

Brain: Bitch. Lucky she didn't say anything. Just sayin' excuse me. Man, fuck you. Lucky you didn't try and start some shit, because man did we have some shit to say.

Dr. Pemulis's Good-Time Family Subway Solution: Totes Off Topic!!

So today riding the train, I was lost in thought. I was deeply troubled by a movie I had watched Sunday(as well as numerous times prior). The movie in question is Back to the Future Part II. Now, my quarrel has naught to do with any of the time travelling issues that might arise after a long thought about their logistics. My problem comes about a half hour into the movie. The police find Jennifer asleep, read her thumbprint, figure out who she is and decide to bring her home. Marty and Doc. Brown watch this situation unfold, and Doc. Brown says they can't intervene. He says something to the effect of "What do we tell them? That we're time travellers and she was asleep?!?!"

He then realizes the implications of what could happen once they bring her home: she encounters her future self, a time paradox occurs, universe explodes, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria. Or something. The plan then is to intercept Jennifer at the house before she encounters her future self or anyone else.

My question is this: Couldn't they have just walked up to the cops and had Marty say "Oh that's my wife. Sometimes she sleepwalks." Then they read his thumbprint, see that he's telling the truth, then send them on their merry way? This literally has been driving me nuts for the past two days (one might say I need to get a life). But seriously, wouldn't that have been a viable option? The genius who invented a time machine cant invent up a little white lie to explain why a woman is sleeping on the street?

FUCK!

Dr. Pemulis' Good Time Family Subway Solution (Berbalerbs Remix): Subway Wanderers

Back on my grind once again for Doc Pemulis...in this post, we'll be discussing "Subway Wanderers" who are basically--

Ok wait. Stop. I just, I can't. I can't do this yet. I have to say something.

Pemulis: please note I value you not only as a friend and butt buddy, but also as a journalistical blogospheric engineerist. But what the hell does the title of this thing mean?

I mean, most of it is fine:
Dr. Pemulis' Good Time Family Subway Solution

Dr. Pemulis' (didn't know you got your PhD, but whatevs, congrats)
Good Time (always, fo sho)
Family (sure)
Subway (relevant)
Solution..?

Maybe it's just me but I don't see what problem is being solved by bitching about mouth breathing...but I'll stop. 90% of our readership (read: Pemulis) probably stopped reading this by now because this post is supposed to be about the subway...

Let's fuckin' dance.

How I imagine tall people see the world. ::sigh::

So this is what the subway generally looks like during "rush hour," which consists of the hours that all us good little worker ants go to work, and the hours when we return home to scrape our pipes for marijuana resin, drink PBR (non-ironically; I'm just that poor) and play video game baseball for 6 hours before we realize it's past midnight, we haven't eaten and we smell like shit (maybe this isn't "we," maybe just me. Whatever. Fuck you.).

You're standing there, kinda squished, minding your own business, listening to Gasolina by Daddy Yankee and trying to sing along to the words even though you don't speak Spanish (sumo-lay-mambo-pakka-me-gotta-Pringles-low-mow-Torres!!!). All of a sudden, you feel a push, followed shortly after by a frustrated "Excuuuuse me." You turn around, and to your surprise, here comes a dumb motherfucker trying to climb over dozens of people to move through the subway car...FOR NO FUCKING REASON.

Listen. If the subway car you are in looks like this:

I'd say it's fair to guess that THEY'RE ALL LIKE THAT, YA FUCKIN' MONGOLOID!!! What in the ever-loving FUCK are you looking for? Do you expect the next car to be empty, maybe 2 or 3 people, maybe some nice music playing, pretty bitches in short skirts serving complimentary cocktails? THIS IS NEW YORK, TAINT-STAIN! Our subways are crowded and smelly. ALL OF 'EM. So stand still, stop bumping into EVERY-FUCKING-BODY and let me enjoy my reggeaton.

...bay-Ali-guntala-GASO-LEEEE-NAAAA...

Dr. Pemulis's Good-Time Family Subway Solution: Dancers!

And no, I do not mean subway dancers like this:



I'm talking about a much more narcissistic type of subway dancer. The subway dancer I want to discuss with you today, dear reader, is the subway dancer who has headphones on and stares dreamily at their reflected surface on the door windows.

The dancer in question today was an older gentleman with slicked back hair in a partytail. He was bobbing his head up and down to what had to have been some kickin' hip hop (this particular type of dance/head-bob would seem quite out of place set to jazz fusion or the original cast recording of rent). And he stared at himself the entire 15 minutes I was on the train. I imagine he was envisioning himself as a mega rap star, surrounded by hot babes in leather bikinis. Did I mention this gentleman was wearing shorts and a looney toons t-shirt?

Anyway, my question is: what compels someone to do this? I personally was brought up with a sense of shame, and know that doing something so completely vain is something not socially acceptable, and will end with me feeling like a total asshole. Does this guy and every other person that does this not notice the other 50 people in the subway car, looking at them and trying not to laugh? Don't you have to know that everyone who looks at you is wondering what kind of stupid fucking moron you are?

If you or someone you know is one of these complete fuck-wits and would like to shed some light on the issue, please feel free to email me and explain.