SERIOUSLY? F*CK THIS KID

So as you may already know, I'm in a bit of a...mood, especially when it comes to anything relationship-y. I glare at couples that get all PDA-y on the subway. I change the channel when I see a romantic movie on TV. I shy away from hanging out with my couple-friends.

I curse the shit out of 9 year olds who think they've got this "girls" thing figured out. Y'know. Little of this. Little of that.

He's only 9, but this pint-sized pickup artist already knows plenty about pleasing the ladies.

In light of recent events, I'm not exactly the expert on "the ladies," but let me unequivocally tell you that NO, no this little fucktwat doesn't know plenty about "pleasing the ladies." And if he does, his parents should be arrested. Fucking pervs.

Alec Greven's dating primer, "How to Talk to Girls" - which began as a handwritten, $3 pamphlet sold at his school book fair - hit the shelves nationwide last week.

Ok ferreals? I know this is all just as fucking adorable as all get-out, and good for him and all this, but if I ever see this kid I'm going to boot him like I'm trying to make a game-winning 54 yard field goal with 0:03 left on the clock in the Super Bowl.

In a related story, I'm not bitter.

The fourth-grader from Castle Rock, Colo., advises Lothario wannabes to stop showing off,

WRONG shitstain! Bitches love it when I do a forward round-off for them in the club. Having done multiple years of gymnastics as a child is SEXY to the ladies and so not gay that it literally, physically hurts.

go easy on the compliments to avoid looking desperate

Well...ok. I mean I guess this is how a 9 year old would say "don't love these ho's." So yea...I'll give him this one.

- and be wary of "pretty girls."

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Ok so fine, that's another valid point. I'm still all like, "fuck this kid." Not in the literal sense though. That's fucking gross. You pervert.

"It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry," he writes in Chapter Three.

Ooo, ooo, um, also? Um, they're also fucking physically attractive dipshit! And maybe it changes through the years, or from locale to locale, because big earrings and fancy dresses around the greater New York area, don't necessarily guarantee "pretty:"Although she did have a show where a bunch of assclowns competed to get with her, so maybe she's doing something right.

"Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil."

YEA BUDDY, NOW WE'RE FUCKIN TALKIN!!! Yea, they need a LOT of "oil," hehehehehe amiright amiright amiright? Imright.

Sorry what? Simile inferring being "high maintenance?" Oh. OHHHHH...ok. Makes sense. I was just about to be all, "a little young for the 'fucking' analogies, aren't we?" but, so yea. Pretty girls are high maintenance. This kid isn't a total Trig Palin.

The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don't let them get to you."

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Hi there, everybody! Brent Cocklog here. Long time no see! Ahem, our dear friend and my co-worker Berbalerbs just ran by my desk crying and mumbled something about "finish my blog" or "pretty girls" or "I'm gonna end it" or maybe all three or something but hey! Here I am! Let me just catch up with all of you and read what we have so far...


Hm...


Okay...


Hehe, bitter much? But whatever, let's keep stompin' on the 9 year old.

As for his how-to, he concedes, "I never expected people to buy it like a regular book in a bookstore."

And there you have it. 9 year old's logic > Huge National Publisher Harper Collins' logic

But with classic plain-spoken advice - like "comb your hair and don't wear sweats" - it's no surprise his 46-page book was a hit with boys and girls of all ages.

So...let me get this straight...this is a book that hypothetically parents will buy for their 8 and 9 year olds...so that the children...can learn how to effectively tapdatass? 'Cause if you're trying to reach adults, you're going to have to do WAAAAAAYY better than "comb your hair and don't wear sweats." I mean, for starters, you can go research and write about which roofies are the hardest to trace? Huh? Now that's relationship advice I can get behind...

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA "GET BEHIND" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH GOD I COULDN'T HOLD IT. Onwards,

He believes the best way to approach a girl is to keep it to a simple "hi."

Now this is where he is actually very similar to adults who, you know, have actually dated before and have any fucking business writing books like these. They all say this. "Just say hi." "Just walk on up and say, 'Hi! I'm Brent!'" AND FUCKING THEN WHAT, CAPTAIN TAINT?!? Just stand there like a fucking labatomy post-op, waiting for her to say "wow, your candor and forwardness makes me really curious as to what your dick tastes like!"

At this point we get it. Pick-up lines, in the traditional sense, are corny. They come off sleazy, and nobody (especially not that fine-ass chick you just strolled up to) finds them funny. It is better to just go up to someone and introduce yourself. That isn't really the problem. Maybe it's difficult for us to muster up the courage to walk up to a girl we find attractive, but we know how to walk up to them and I'm pretty sure a healthy majority of us are comfortable by now with how to introduce one's self, but THEN WHAT? And if you don't have an answer, fine, but stop treating this "just say hi" shit like it's a complete answer. It's not.

As for his own love life, he said he is not dating anyone at the moment. "I'm a little too young," he confessed.

"Although," he added, "certainly not too young to write about the subject as an expert and expect people to pay money for my writing. I'm definitely experienced enough for that."

Dating - which he defines as going out to dinner without your parents - is for "kind of old" people, who are 15 or 16.

I'm kinda starting to see why Berbalerbs ran screaming.

Alec - who just finished a children's book on the Watergate scandal

Well, whoopdee fuckin-- really? He wrote about Watergate? Hm. I wonder if it was from the perspective of Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein or that of Nixon and his cronies...I mean, FUCK THIS KID!

Not literally, of course. That's fucking gross. You pervert.