Oh it is SO ON. Epilogue

Dustin Sussman AKA Metabolism Music Videos SPIKE.com

This is dsussman. The one "rapping." I...it's...I just...kill yourself. Is what I think I'm trying to say here.

Oh it is SO ON. Part 3

Part 1.

Part 2.

"The List."

Well, we've made it this far, boys and girls. We've gone through 5 big steaming piles of dumb, and we've got 5 more to go. And, whooooo boy, if you thought #10 thru #6 were nonsensical, baseless and generally stupid, buckle up. Cuz the next 3 songs are by rappers on MTV's GREATEST MCs OF ALL TIME LIST. (And yea I know it's MTV, but check out the list. I pretty much agree other than one or two randoms.)

5. “Lose Yourself” – Eminem

Ok, maybe you didn't like 8 Mile? I mean, the concept was a little stupid, let's get Eminem to play Eminem in a movie about the life of Eminem, but I personally thought it was pulled off fairly well and

8 Mile was a pretty good movie,

Oh. Um. Then why the fuck would you put this on the list?

we all know that this song caused the end of Eminem.

Oh, friend. You have to know deep down that you have no clue what you are speaking of, and that generally when bullshitting your way through something, using the phrase "we all know" is going to piss someone off. Because when you say that you take on the position of speaking "for all of us." You, sir, do NOT. I repeat NOT speak for me.

Everything he did after this was complete sentimental bulls**t.

This was the next single Marshall Mathers released after "Lose Yourself"

Wow, that is pretty sentimental there! You fucking twit.

If it wasn’t for the popularity of this song, he probably would have never attempted more hip-pop ballads such as "Like Toy Soldiers" and "When I'm Gone."

Really? Because on "The Eminem Show" (the album he released before "Lose Yourself" was released) he had "ballads" such as "Hailie's Song" and "Sing For the Moment" where he fucking rapped over a pre-existing Aerosmith ballad.

So I'm going to go ahead and say yes, Eminem probably would have attempted to make more "hip-pop" (that's adorable by the way) ballads even if "Lose Yourself" never happened because he had been doing it already and having success with it and oh my God why the hell did you write this list?

Marshall was never the same MC after the release of this song.

You're soooooo totes right, Dustin! He was never the same MC again, in the fact that the only CD he's released since then, "Encore," was pretty sub-par (but only relative to his other albums). He then took a hiatus to go be with his family, and has a new CD coming out this year. So you can go ahead and stop talking about him like he's dead.

Oh, and
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE "DEATH" OF HIP HOP? IT'S ONE FUCKING GUY WHO STARTED TO FALL OFF A TEENSY WEENSY BIT AFTER, I REPEAT, AFTER THIS SONG, AND NOT BECAUSE OF THIS SONG.

If you're insinuating that hip hop lives and dies with Eminem, let me say from one white boy to another white boy: fuck off, white boy.

4. "Big Pimpin’" - Jay-Z

You'll now see the graceful, timeless dance of the writer who knows he's about to piss off his entire readership by saying some punk ass buster shit. First, he machine guns a list of reasons why this song has no earthly business being considered for this list, let alone on this list, let a-FUCKING-lone higher on this list than "Ice, Ice, Baby."

I understand that this song is the straight up jizzy jam

You just said jizzy jam. Kill yourself.

and [it] helped push the underground Houston legends UGK into the mainstream

Ah yes, because we all know that every time hip hop artists who've remained underground to retain their integrity are rewarded with a little fame and fortune and manage to maintain that integrity, hip hop dies a little.

Now that the writer has prefaced his argument with the fact that his argument is poor, he makes his argument.

but this track was one of the biggest reasons why hip-hop turned pop in the in the early 2000s.

OH MY--

I can't---

I don't evenAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHA;OIE4JV578K8BY045VM0JPC3N7-V34898XS5890X890XSE5SVTNOPSVOVDNUTNPRUOVT8PVN9T498BYPBR9VTP

I just tried to eat my own face.

Dustin,

This is an amazing track. The production is fucking amazing. The lyrics are off the "hizzy hook" (see, I can make up terrible sounding slang words too!). The video is visually beautiful. Everything about this song is awesome. That's why it was popular. I'm assuming you didn't mean "pop" as in "popular," though. I'm assuming you meant "pop" as sugary, soft, pre-packaged and artificial. Read my...um...typing:

BIG PIMPIN IS NONE OF THESE THINGS FRIEND.

I do realize the roots of hip-hop came from upbeat party raps,

You clearly do not, sir.

but this song helped open the doors for a slew of untalented hacks trying to make some loot through the TRL pipeline.

Ya know what? You are completely right. It's totally this fuckin' song's fault that "Walk it Out" ended up on MTV. It's also "Smells Like Teen Spirit"'s fault for Nickelback. And I blame Aretha Franklin's rendition of "Respect" for Amy Winehouse. I also blame "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by the Police for 9/11, because like Mr. Sussman I'm a complete shithead.

Oh wait. I'm not. Just him.

3. "Mo Money Mo Problems" - The Notorious B.I.G.

The ghost of Biggie Smalls is so going to fuck your world up for this one.

I do love this song,

WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOUR CRITERIA FOR THIS LIST?!?!?!?!? "Well it's not that the song's bad, and I don't think it directly "killed" hip hop, but there's one part of it that I kinda sorta don't like so ok it's on the list."

but when Biggie passed away in 1997, Puff Daddy basically thought he had a free pass to do whatever he wanted just as long as he added “Biggie is the greatest of all time” at the end of every sentence.

And? You do realize that Puffy was the one to discover Biggie, and produced both of Biggie's albums, and that we might not know who Christopher Wallace is without Sean "Puffy" Combs, right? I'm not saying I love the dude, and I'm definitely not saying he can rap, but I think he gets a bit too much shit. "Oh how DARE he continue his career after the death of his friend?!? Everyone knows the proper thing to do is to vanish into obscurity and run an Alpaca farm!"

When I fist saw the video for “Mo Money” my jaw pretty much dropped off.

It would've been more useful for me if your hands had fallen off. Then I wouldn't have to generate roughly 800,000,000 words about how terrible of an internet list-maker you are. I have things to do, Dustin!

It was the complete opposite of anything Biggie had done in the past...It was bright, candy-coated and extravagant on a whole new level.

Yep, Biggie had never done any over-the-top extravagant videos. Ever. Except, maybe the one released immediately before this one, for "Hypnotize." Biggie is alive and well in that video, not edited in, so we can assume he was aware of his surroundings (unless they kept him on animal tranquilizers or something). In this video, there are mermaids swimming in the walls of Biggie's home. There are ridiculous backwards car chases (while rapping!). Biggie and Puff have matching suits. At one point Biggie is wearing a silk shirt that defies explanation it's so over-the-top. So again, Dustin, you are the opposite of correct. Oh and if you're wondering why I've stopped including his lame arguments as to how these songs "killed" hip hop, it's because he's stopped including them. You can tell that he really didn't have any idea on how to approach this list until the last 2, where we finally (sorta) get some worthwhile...nevermind, it all sucks.

2. Any Song Featuring Auto-Tune Vocals

His first valid choice. And he manages to fuck it up.

"Any Song Featuring Aut-Tune Vocals?" Any of 'em? Well then maybe PICK ONE. Really. Almost every single one of these choices have been "the start of a slippery slope," and the one time, the one fucking time you would've been accurate in saying that, you don't pick a song.

"SONG X helped 'kill' hip hop because after ARTIST X released that track, everyone and their mamas started using Auto-Tuner, which basically masks your actual voice to make it sound like you can sorta carry a tune maybe and pretty much made 90% of popular hip hop tracks sound like utter and complete garbage."

But no. So ok maybe he just doesn't know who made it popular so he couldn't

Since 2005, Florida native T-Pain has been throwing out an endless string of hollow hip-hop hits

MAYBE THEN YOU SHOULD'VE CHOSEN T-PAIN'S FIRST SINGLE AS THE FUCKING SONG THEN YOU EXHAUSTING BASTARD!

1. "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" - Soulja Boy Tell 'Em

Oh dangit. I had my money on "I Get Around" by Tupac for the fact that it "opened the door" to shitcakes like Soulja Boy.

Mr. Sussman, a suggestion: if you are going to write a top 10 list and cannot come up with any actual ideas after #2, you might want to consider a different theme for the list. Also: God you suck, dude.

Some of you might say that criticizing the writing of an Internet Top 10 List Writer is like pistol-whipping a blind kid...

You should know that I fucking love pistol-whipping blind children.

Oh it is SO ON. Part 2

Part 1.

"The List."

Ok. Lessgo.

9. "Me So Horny" - 2 Live Crew

As funny as this song was in back in 1989

Aaaaaaaaand stop. You've already made this selection moot. Congratulations.

How could a song that was released in Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Nine, 4 years before Tupac gained noteriety, 5 years before Biggie's debut album, SEVEN FUCKING YEARS BEFORE THE GRAMMYS ADDED A BEST RAP CATEGORY have helped to "kill" hip hop?

Maybe if this was some ingenius time bomb situation where the song slowly crept into the minds of MCs everywhere until there was a major (if indirect) negative impact on the genre of music and community as a whole, MAYBE then put it on the list. Is that your assertion, Mr. Sussman? What are your feelings on "Me so Horny?"

nothing more than shock-pop crap that had no place in the world of hip-hop

That might be why 2 Live Crew isn't around any more. Oh, and one more thing:

THIS SONG DID THE ABSOLUTE OPPOSITE OF "KILLING" HIP HOP, YOU WET SMELLY BRAINFART OF A HUMAN.

Sussman makes a throw away comment that

the lyrical content in their songs had conservatives like George Will shaking in his boots

and then moves on to other nonsensical assinine assertions. What he fails to mention? That the sheriff of the county where 2 Live Crew lived lobbied to get the album listed as "pornography" and later "illegal contraband" because he didn't like colored folk talking about sex. The fucked up thing about it was that a judge in Florida agreed with him, and made the album illegal. ILLEGAL. A local retailer was arrested for selling the album after it was outlawed and several members of 2 Live Crew were arrested for performing live (yes, I'm getting this all from wikipedia, Mr. Sussman. You could have too).

Well what the hell is my point?

In 1992, the United States Court of Appeals for the Eleventh Circuit overturned the obscenity ruling from Jose Gonzales, and the Supreme Court of the United States refused to hear Broward County's appeal.

This is when THE SUPREME COURT stood up for hip hop as a valid form of expression protected under the First Amendment.

In conclusion, (of #9, that is...we're nowhere CLOSE to done) dsussman put the song that basically ensured future rappers the right to rap about whatever they choose on a list of the top 10 songs that killed hip hop.

Oh my God, dsussman. You suck. In fact, you're dsucksman from here on out. Yea I know, a little weak but WHATEVER. IT STANDS.

8. "Ice Ice Baby" – Vanilla Ice

Oh thank God, Dustin. This makes sense. It's so obvious that a human raised by chinchillas in the hills of Argentina who has never come in contact with another person or so much as heard another human voice would know that it belongs on this list. Now, go ahead and mercilessly pummel Mr. Ice and we'll continue with our business.

I had no choice for this one.

No, you pretty much didn't. This, along with a certain large pant-wearing MC named after a tool, marked the beginning of rap's true commericalization. This is the time when record companies tried to make rap music...well, acceptable for old white people. Which was all well and good but this is really where stuff started to

I feel like Vanilla was a pretty sincere dude when it came down to his music.

Excuse me?

The guy was spittin’ Miami raps,

Oh God no. You're defending him, aren't you?

throwin’ down synchronized dance moves and just plain doin’ his thing.

...


...


I just killed someone. Harold from accounting. I went into the men's room here at the office to break a window or bash a urinal, something, ANYTHING to diffuse the rage that Mr. Sussman has just awoken by defending Vanilla Ice, and there was Harold. "Hi Mike," he said. "Bye Harold," I replied. I put him in the stall that's always out of order. Hopefully no one will find him for a while.

/takes deep breath

Mr. Sussman. How on EARTH can you try to defend Vanilla Ice? You had no problem claiming 50 Cent has this anti-music evil commerical empire agenda going on, or dismissing the relevance of 2 Live Crew in hip hop, but you feel it necessary to defend VANILLA FUCKING ICE? Please. Continue.

But back in 1990, this song pretty much took on a life of its own and would go on to be one of the more hated songs in hip-hop history.

"Pretty much took on a life of its own?" What's that even supposed to mean, in this context? It's pop music. That's sorta how it works. You market a song, put it out on the radio and if you're lucky it "takes a life of its own" and gets popular. Pop. Music. Popular. Music. Savvy? As for it becoming one of the more hated songs in hip-hop history? Give me one good fucking reason it doesn't deserve to be hated. This dude was fucking corny as all get out, the lyrics suck (I frankly don't care that you and all your boys from high school would TOTALLY scream every word at all the semis after getting drunk on wine coolers), and HE BLATANTLY STEALS FROM A DAVID BOWIE SONG AND TRIES TO PASS IT OFF AS A DIFFERENT SONG. This is a HUGE reason that sampling has been underrated as an art form, because of dipshits like this going on TV and saying "mines is like 'ding ding ding dingading ding,' while his is all 'ding ding ding dingdingding ding,' so it's like totes diff."

It’s kinda sad that this man had no control of how people in the hip-hop community would react to the popularity of this record.

It's kinda sad you likely got paid to make this list, Dustin.

7. "Too Legit To Quit" - MC Hammer

Christ. I feel like we're 10,000 words into this bitch and I've covered three fucking songs. Whatever. Onward!

I can’t deny that “Addams Groove” was a worse song than “Too Legit,”

Then why did you choose 2 Legit? Addams Groove was a worse song, and it was (as far as I can remember) the first time a rap song was written for and about a movie, which began a really terrible string of cross-marketing rap songs (most notably terrible would include Wild Wild West and the Rugrats Rap Song, which I still can't decide is the worst or best thing created by humans to date). That would've been something you could argue helped "kill" hip hop. But no. You decided to go with 2 Legit 2 Quit. Explain yourself, young man.

Hammer’s first single off his 1991 LP seemed to almost flush the entire hip-hop/rap scene down the crapper.

How, exactly?

The size and scope of “Too Legit” helped push Hammer even further away from his musical roots in Oakland

The roots that were apparently healthy and full of "realness" when he dropped "Can't Touch This" lookin likethis?

If it wasn’t for The Chronic, I don’t know what I would have done with myself.

OMG YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOO COOL FOR SHOUTING OUT THE CHRONIC!!! OMG YOU LISTENED TO DR. DRE AND SNOOP AT THE SAME TIME EVERYONE ELSE IN AMERICA WAS LISTENING TO THEM?!?!?!?!?! OMG YOU ARE SO TOTES GANGTSTA LOLCATZ!!!11!1!ONE!!1!!

By the way: 2 Legit 2 Quit was released in 1991. The Chronic was released in 1995. So way to completely make up an anecdote to make yourself seem cool.

Such a douche.

6. "Gettin' Jiggy wit It" - Will Smith

I give Will Smith credit for making clean hip hop for the masses, but when Big Willie Style dropped in 1997 I had honestly had enough.

Me too, dsucksman. Wow, maybe we would be friends if we met each other. Now how did this help to "kill" hip hop?

It was like a hip-hop covers record from start to finish.

Okaaaaaay...and this helped kill hip hop becaaaaauuuse...

...


?

"Just the Two of Us"? Fresh Prince, please.

dsucksman, this is not a "Top 10 Hip Hop Songs That I Personally Don't Care For," it's a list that...you know what? Forget it. Just...forget it.


to be continued...

Oh it is SO ON. Part 1

Alright.

So a lot of times on this site, I'm a bit...what's the word...prickly? in regards to the heights of human stupidity we are all forced to deal with on a daily basis. I'll curse and put words in all caps and make faces like
and generally it's all just a good spirited romp through my repressed anger and general bitterness toward the populace.

However.

When you are a casual hip hop fan and decide to write a terrible, half-assed top ten list about the songs that "killed hip hop" and manage to get it onto Spike.com, know that I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.

Or at least tear your list to shreds. Either way, I'm totally cool with whatever.

The Top 10 Songs That Killed Hip-Hop

Let me begin by saying there's nothing wrong with writing a list like this. It's a super interesting idea, and an literary hip hop head could go a number of different ways with it. Was it commercialization that "killed" hip hop, was it the East/West rap war, was it Crunk Juice, etc. A lot you can do with this. Dustin Sussman, the aged piece of Fromunda Cheese that wrote this steaming pile, chose to make the list the opposite of interesting. Or accurate. Or defenisible. Or non fucking retarded.

One more thing before we begin (Christ, we haven't even STARTED yet??). I am a small white boy who also happens to be (at least in my humble opinion) an accomplished MC. I can rap. Like, I can fucking rap. I know first hand how dumb it is to look at someone and assume that you can tell whether or not they are "hip hop" or not. That being said, this douchefuck SHOULD NOT BE WRITING HIP HOP ARTICLES.

If you're not at work, roll up a fatty to this one...if you are at work, get high at lunch and read the shit out of this. Let's fucking crip walk.

Hip-hop just may be the most popular music genre on the face of the planet and for good reason. It’s raw, real and unpredictable.

Dude! Totally bitchin' non-statement here, brah. I mean, "raw, real and unpredictable?" Somebody made you do this list, didn't they dsussman? This is like bio homework to you, isn't it. Tip for next time: DON'T FUCKING WRITE THE LIST THEN.

But in recent years the music revolution that started in New York over 25 years ago

I mean, he's right...it did start over 25 years ago...it also started over 30 years ago...and some people believe it actually started over 35 years ago, so...way to not look it up and just guestimate like 17 words into your article.

For some reason, wannabe hip-hop artists with little talent have decided to pervert the genre by manufacturing bubblegum garbage for the masses.

Well, jinkies!!! That's just plumb awful!! Why, that hasn't happened to every single genre of music that has gained popularity in the history of the recording industry or ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!! This is the first big red flag that this dude has no business compiling this list. People who don't think hip hop is a viable form of music will always point to some terrible manufactured radio song that appeals to the lowest common denominator and try to use it as the quintessential hip hop song. No, assmouth, the hip hop community doesn't consider "I Ain't Never Scurred" to be one of its cornerstones.

Oh and by the way, two of the biggest "rock" bands in the US today are Nickleback and the Jonas Brothers. Would you like them to be the representatives for rock music as a whole? Didn't think so. Point taken? Thought so. Stop? Hah.

No.

#10: "In Da Club" 50 Cent

Let's hit the ground running!

I’ll be the first to admit that I thought this song was the jam when it first came out

I'll be the first to admit that when this song came out in 2003, calling a good song "the jam" had already been played out for, like, 10 years.

Now I'm not saying this song is bad,

'the fuck did you put it on a list of the top 10 songs that killed hip hop for then?

but when Fiddy first came on the mainstream pop scene in 2003 he pulled off one of the greater magic tricks in all of music.

This...should be good. And by good I mean unabashedly retarded.

This man was creating the illusion that he was a real artist trying to speak for the streets

Really? His song "In Da Club" was an attempt to speak for a marginalized populace and tell the stories of their struggles persecution and eventual rise to greatness in this country? I kinda thought it was more about partying...you know...in the club?

lo and behold he was just a businessman who didn’t seem to care about the music he was attempting to represent.

Ok, you know what? I actually think he has a point buried somewhere here. 50 Cent has really fallen off as an artist after Get Rich or Die Tryin'. In fact, after Get Rich or Die Tryin', Fitty's career has really taken a steady path away from music and toward entrepeneurialism. This is only a problem because 50 uses contrived "beef" with other rappers to promote his albums and since he can't really...what's the word...um...rap well, he has to bring disputes "off the track" as they say (just ask Rick Ross). Why, after Get Rich or Die Tryin' you might just say that 50's career contributed to "killing" hip hop.

SO WHY THE FUCKING FUCK WOULD YOU PUT THE MOST SUCCESSFUL SINGLE FROM THE MAN'S MOST HIGHLY ACCLAIMED ALBUM ON THIS FUCKING LIST?!?!!?!?

It's like putting Weezer on a top 10 worst rock albums list and using "Pinkerton." IT'S JUST FUCKING DUMB.


to be continued...

OH I CALL BULLSH*T

This is an article about Suresh Joachim and his successful new "world record" for longest time watching TV nonstop.

STOCKHOLM — Suresh Joachim has broken his own Guinness world record for nonstop broadcast-television watching

See? Told you. So anyway, Suresh Joachim watched TV nonstop for 72 hours, which beats the previous record holder...um...Suresh Joachim, whose time was 69 hours, 48 minutes. How did this end up on the Mauf?

Because there's no GD way in H that this F-ing A-hole C-sucker is the F-ing World Record Holder for F-ing longest GD TV watching session. F.

How do I know this? I'm pretty sure 72 straight hours of TV is too short a time to even be my personal best, let alone best ever out of anyone ever. Oh, and

Joachim, a Sri Lanka native who lives in Toronto, watched three seasons of the drama series "24" featuring Kiefer Sutherland, said Swedish TV4 spokeswoman Janina Witkowski.

DUDE WASN'T EVEN WATCHING TV!!! I've personally sat through Season 1 of 24 the entire way through without stopping, and had any other seasons been available on DVD at the time, you bet your sweet, well defined asscheeks that I would've continued on.

"I drank between 25 and 30 cups of coffee," Joachim said Sunday

This dude is a pussy on wheels. I WAS DRINKING BEER AND SMOKING GODLESS AMOUNTS OF MARIJU*NA WHEN I TACKLED THE FIRST SEASON YOU LIL BITCH, I WAS WORKING AGAINST MYSELF AND STILL MANAGED TO DO IT.

Fuckin' Sri Lankans currently living in Canada.

BREAKING NEWS: PETA MEMBERS STILL MORONS

O.M.FUCKING.G.

JERUSALEM — A leading animal advocacy group said the road to Mideast peace begins in a pita.

Opening sentence. No word of lie.

Listen.

I know that animals need advocates because obviously they can't speak for themselves. I know that there are a lot of truly terrible things that humans do to animals, and there needs to be a group that helps to bring these things to light. But, um,

FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD PETA, THIS IS A MILLENIA-OLD RELIGIOUS WAR THAT HAS IMPLICATIONS THAT AFFECT EVERYONE ON THE PLANET, AND HAS NOTHING, LET ME REPEAT, NOTHING, LET ME REPEAT AGAIN, NO-THING TO DO WITH BEING VEGAN OR NOT RACING HORSES OR WHATEVER'S GOT SAND IN YOUR VA-JAY-JAY THIS WEEK. BUTT. THE FUCK. OUT.

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has requested Israel's permission to post pro-vegetarian signs on both sides of its barriers with the West Bank and the Gaza Strip.

Hi, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert?AAAAAALLLLOOOOOOOO DEEEERE SAAAARAAAAAH.

SMcL: Right... so, listen I want to talk to you about this Israeli/Palestinian conflict. I think I have an idea that will help.

Ehud: A newly drafted peace settlement?

SMcL: No.

Ehud: A new type of WMD so we can just get this thing over with?

SMcL: No.

Ehud: Blowjob?

SMcL: Ew.

Ehud: Well what then?!?

SMcL: Did you know that if everyone on Earth was a vegan, we'd be saving the lives of millions of animals every year??? Why, the animals killed for fur alone number in the--

Ehud: OMFUCKING G, are you kidding? 'The fuck out of here with that bullshit!

PETA's signs are in Hebrew and in English. They feature Israelis and Palestinians sitting down for a meat-free meal along with the slogans: "Give Peas a Chance," and "Nonviolence Begins on Our Plates: Go Vegetarian."

Can you imagine being an Israeli or a Palestinan in the midst of this terrible violence, living under a shadow of fear that death may come at any time from any angle for any reason, and going outside and seeing this?This is the equivalent of someone going down to Ground Zero an hour after the second plane hit to hand out flyers about Global Warming. I know where you're coming from, but TIME AND PLACE, MOTHERFUCKERS. TIME. AND. PLACE.

"Every time that we eat, we can choose not to participate in violence," PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk wrote Wednesday in a letter.

Osama bin Laden actually released a new video response to this. It's just 1:34 of him dismissively wanking this off.

While choosing a falafel sandwich over a lamb kebab doesn't create instant peace

Or eventual peace. Or any increased chance of peace at all whatsover. Actually come to think of it, it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH PEACE YOU FLAGRANT RETARD.

it reduces the sum total of violence and suffering in the world."

And there you have it: PETA summed up perfectly. A complete and total admission that this won't have any effect other than furthering their agenda. "We're here to protect animals, and we'll hurt, kill and trample the rights of as many people as we have to to make our point!!! I'm sorry, what? What have we actually done to help animals besides drawing attention to ourselves and acting like dicks? ummm..."

/Throws bucket of fake blood, runs

THEY'LL NEVER CATCH ME

You know how when you were young, you'd go to that mean old man's house (or in my case, that really nice wheelchair-bound half blind priest's house) and set a bag of shit on fire, put it on the porch, knock on the door and then run away?

You know how you kept doing it all through your teenaged years, thinking one day it would get old but it never did?

You know how eventually you moved on to torching Port-a-Shitters?

You lost me? Really? Whatever, freak.

Someone has been sending San Francisco's portable toilets up in flames in a wave of potty pyromania.

This marks a momentous occasion for me personally and therefore, for all of you faithful readers who hang on my every word. I'm about to give a San Franciscoan a "kudos."

Ahem...San Franciscoan Port-a-Shitter Arsonist: Kudos, friend. My apologies that your Godless city is a cross between a femininely scented over-lotioned Kleenex and the Sodomite ward of Riker's Island. Onward!

Since November, at least 20 of the ubiquitous construction site toilets have been set afire in the city, creating a trail of malodorous wreckage and causing an estimated $50,000 in property damage, according to fire officials.

Nothing funny to say here. That's just a sexy sentence, in my humble. I'd fuck that sentence if it were physically possible. I mean, "trail of malodorous wreckage?" I'd WIFE that shit.

And now, let's try to make flaming Job Johnny's a grave, serious matter!

"Somebody's getting very bold," said Fire Department Lt. Mindy Talmadge. It's not unheard of for vandals to strike the portable restrooms but "this is unusual," she said.

San Francisco Police Department Headquarters, Commissioner's office. Fire Department Lt. Mindy Talmadge kicks open door, enters.

BigMindy: Commish! He struck again!

Commish: God damnit, Mindy, do you have to kick the door down every damned time you step into my damned office, damnit? Now what the hell are you--

BigMindy: DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?!?!?! HE LIT THE SHIT AGAIN!!!!

Commish: Yea, I know. There was an article about it on the Mauf.

BigMindy: Wait, this article?

Commish: Yea.

BigMindy: How is that even poss--

Commish: Laptop from the future.

BigMindy: Huh. Well, I-- wait, where was this little vignette going?

Commish: Not sure. We should probably just keep going with the quotes from the article.

BigMindy: Fair.

Contractors have been trying to foil the attacks by securing or camouflaging their industrial outhouses.

Camouflaging. Is your answer. You want to...camouflage. The Port-a-Shitter. What in the fucking FUCK can you make a Port-a-Shitter look like other than a--

Touche.

And the second option? "Securing" them? Something tells me this arson isn't setting them on fire and then, like, throwing them into the street or something. I mean, it just seems like you would end up with a very secure, burnt, melted Port-a-Pooper.

Theories vary on who is responsible. "Kids would be my guess," said Johnson.

"Possibly arsons, as well" he added. "Ne'er-do-wells would be a third option, if I were pressed."

The rest of the article is funny only because of the name of the Port-a-Pooper President they got to interview...

Alex Rodriguez, president of Concord-based Far West Sanitation & Storage Containers

Now as you continue to read just picture this guy

Talking like this.

[A-Rod] thinks whoever is doing it is motivated by the thrill of lawlessness, "trying to play catch-and-seek with the police."

HAHAHAHAHAHA "catch-and-seek?" Jeez, maybe this IS actually A-Rod.

"It kind of worries me and worries everybody that I talk to,"

Unequivocally: No one you talked to is actually worried. They're being polite. They laugh about you when you're not around.

"These people, I don't think they're criminals,

Yep. Actual quote. A-Rod thinks these arsonists illegally destroying other peoples' properties aren't criminals.

Oh, and by the way...


I know who did it.