"My Penis in a Jar" or "Just Another Tuesday"

Um...

A man caught by police with his penis inside a pasta sauce jar was still pleasuring himself while resisting arrest, a court has been told.

Again:

A man caught by police WITH HIS PENIS INSIDE A PASTA SAUCE JAR was STILL PLEASURING HIMSELF WHILE RESISTING ARREST, a court has been told.

This is sorta a bittersweet moment for me. I've found one of the finest pieces of 'Mauf fodder since FUCKING EVER, but how do you even make a joke about this? Honestly, what snarky curse-laden tirade or funny picture or Arrested Development reference can be funnier than

A man caught by police with his [FUCKING] penis inside a [FUCKING] pasta sauce jar was still pleasuring himself while resisting arrest, a court has been told.

You might think it can't possibly get better than that. Allow me to shit on your assumption.

Weatherley attracted police attention while he was parked in a no-stopping zone near Nobby's Beach

Yup, Nobby's Beach. This guy was parked, dick-in-jar across the road from Nobby's Beach.

Police thought he might have a weapon because they saw him doing something with his hands in his lap, the Herald said.

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAOMFGHAHAHAHOMFGHAHAHAHAHAOMFGHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!11!
Ahem.

Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.

Okay FINALLY I found something to say about this article instead of just orgasming from joy over and over (already went through both pairs of pants I have at work...I'm sitting bare-assed laughing like a psycho now. Promotion here I come!). The article never mentions if the pasta sauce jar in question is full of pasta sauce. I mean, maybe some of you think it's a ridiculous sticking point but trust me, it's VITAL information. Was this a spur of the moment thing? Did he go to the store specifically to pick up some Ragu for his dick? Was he just coming home from the Grocery Store when suddenly the idea hit him? Or is this a cleaned-out pasta sauce jar with the sticker removed that is kept for one reason and one reason only: to house this man's genitals on his weekly park-and-whack? ANSWERS, DAMNIT!!! I NEED THEM!!!

So then, there's a slow-speed police chase, which I never understood, because the driver's already broken the law so why don't you just run them off the road or something like that. All I'm saying is that in Brooklyn, if you commit a crime and then try to run away, you will be shot at regardless of the speed with which you've chosen to run. Just sayin.

They found a 750mm jar around his penis and said Weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling".

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GANGSTER. This dude wasn't just pleasing himself while he was being arrested. He was switching from fighting off police to masturbating fucking seamlessly. Is this some wonderous form of martial arts of which I'm unaware?

Well, he loses the bout finally...and then...and then they search his car.

Holy awesome.

A search of his car uncovered pornography, a homemade sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

I half think this guy was just trying to make it on the 'Mauf. "Hmmm, okay well I'm going to get arrested for having my penis in a jar...let's see...what do I bring..."Okay, that's a no-brainer...let's see what else...Oh! I've been wanting to try out my homemade orgasmifier, soalright...not weird enough yet...um...Oh! I know!There! Wait...no. There's just something missing...something...something like...A HA!Oh yes...time to make blog HEADLINES, BABY!