Good, Because We Were All Wondering

We can all breathe a heavy sigh of relief today. Gigi is going to be just fine.

Last week, zookeepers reported that Gigi was having digestive problems. She was treated, but did not respond as well as the veterinary staff would have liked. The anesthesia was required so a more thorough examination, including a colonoscopy, could be done.

The 'during' photo

“We did not find anything abnormal. While the colonoscopy looked normal, we did take several biopsies. We expect to have the test results back within one to two weeks,” said Dr. Hayley Weston Murphy, Zoo New England Director of Veterinary Services.

So rest easy everyone. The gorilla you didn't even know was having GI problems is doing much better. I don't really have much to add here, I just couldn't believe a gorilla in a zoo getting a colonoscopy was fucking news.

Broners.

See more Rob Corddry videos at Funny or Die

Oldies But Goodies: Special Slam Poetry

Ummm... A couple of things: When you ask 'what the fuck?', please rest assured that I have no idea. And fair warning, I'm not sure if these are hilarious, awful, depressing, insane, or what. You be the judge. Not for the easily disturbed.

















/showers a thousand times
/goes to church
/is struck by lightning

Sorry.

Also - why the hell do they all end with a thing saying they were brought to you by fart inhaler?! This shit continues to blow my mind.

Occasionally I Confuse My Suppositories With Vegetables, Too

Look, this next item may sound a little weird, but let me ask you this first. Who here hasn't been hanging curtains, naked, and slipped and fell on a vegetable of some sort? Let he who is without weird fetish cast the first potato.

A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom - and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked.

He's a man of God, why would he lie? Is it even possible for them to lie? I'd guess no. Also, attended hospital? What is hospital? Is it like Home-Ec? For people in a country called England, you sure don't make good English much with your writes.

The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table. He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.

Like I said, who doesn't do things like hang curtains in the nude? And where is he supposed to keep his potatoes if not on places where his ass might wind up? Away from places where his ass might wind up? What are you, Mexican? And what kind of sex game involves Butt Potatoes? Butt Potato? One potato two potato three potato butt.

The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.

MmmHmm... please do go on...

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.

...

Seriously though, I was putting on the deodorant, slipped on a cucumber sliver, fell on the Russian doll and through a series of unfortunate bounces I wound up in the garden with said objects in my posterior. Please let's just drop it already.

Then blah blah blah they talk to a nurse and:

A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: "Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents.

"But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way."

Very discreetly, she said to the person working for a fucking newspaper.

Welcome to Hell...Pizza. Can I Take Your Order?

Oh hi there. Did something happen last night? I was watching Boiler Room on repeat all night and didn't get a chance to ...what's that?... election you say? Well unless you voted yes on proposition pick up your skirt, grab your balls and make some money, I don't care. It's time for some fucking Hell Pizza.


A New Zealand pizza chain has withdrawn an advertisement showing the corpses of actor Heath Ledger, Britain's Queen Mother and Mount Everest conqueror Sir Edmund Hillary dancing on a grave.

[frantically searches internet for ad] DAMNIT. If this ever shows up online I will shit a cow. This sounds like it's easily the greatest piece of advertising ever. David Ogilvy is probably lol-ing in his grave right now, this is so awesome.


The animated Halloween promotion advertisement on the Hell Pizza website shows the three decomposing celebrities emerging from graves and dancing to Michael Jackson's song Thriller.


Oh man. I will literally suck the cock of the man who finds this ad online somewhere. And by 'I', I mean Berbalerbs(hope you like teeth, mystery man!).

TPF Group retail operations manager Glenn Corbett said the company, which owns the Hell Pizza chain, was withdrawing the advertisement but had not meant to offend the Hillary family.
"Clearly he's revered in New Zealand and we all love him," he said. "The idea of Sir Ed being there was intended to be a light-hearted remembrance."

"You see, by having his corpse do the thriller on a grave to sell our pizza, we thought his family would find it hilarious! What's the matter, they don't get jokes?" When you go to Hell Pizza's website, they give you two options, go straight to hell, or sell your soul. Here is the text accompanying the sell your soul bit:

Your soul doesn't do much. You can't feel it. You can't see it. It sucks at making coffee, and when you're buggered after a hard day, it'll never have dinner on the table. So give it to us. Then you can begin your descent into HELL. The deeper you go, the more retribution you'll receive for your measly soul. The retribution could be anything from free morsels of food to exclusive access to random stuff. That all depends on how good you are at being bad. And if you make it right into the darkest depths of HELL, then you'll receive free pizza for life. So sell your soul to us.

I'd like to make it known that I would gladly sell my soul for pizza, and I don't even like pizza. I don't know why they're getting flak when this is pretty clearly the most amazing pizza place on earth. And as it turns out, they're no strangers to controversy. Cuz' ya need a little. Controversy. Cuz' it feels so empty without me.


Last year, complaints forced it to withdraw billboards showing Adolf Hitler clutching a slice of pizza in a Nazi salute.

I don't see the problem with Adolf Hitler trying to convince people that Hell Pizza is delicious. Because if you can't trust Hitler with your dinner decisions, who can you trust?

Haha. No pizza for you. Unless they actually mean Hell hell. Like, there should be something worse than hell for W. In which case, weird. Because like, you're a pizza place, dude. Easy on the politics. On this day.

The Mauf's Political Review

Here's a round-up of all the (barely) political stuff we've been bullshitting about here at the Grand Ole Maufry. 'Cause we figured you ADHD kids who surf the web while you watch TV tonight might want to overload on the following:

Brent Cocklog discusses the National Tragedy that is women's sufferage.

Racism? While a black man is running for president?? Nooooooooooo.

John McCain would like to get Gangsta on your pasty white ass for a moment.

BARACK OBAMA MOTHAFUCKA

John McCain's camp releases news that a new exciting commerical will air and shake things up...I really don't remember such a commerical, but hey.

John McCain + Antiquated references = Pretty much every day for John McCain.

Berbalerbs goes deep into the bowels of the young GOP movement. Like, "German Hardcore Porn" deep.

In closing,

Kenny the Differently-Abled Liger On: A Case of Totalitarianism on America's Day of Democracy

The Gallimaufry is pleased to introduce you to their newest guest-blogger, Kenny the Differently-Abled Liger. Kenny is among other things, a philosopher, a movie critic, an avid MLB and NFL fan, a retarded man-made abomination of nature, a cook, and a self described "differently abled liger-about town." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kenny.
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMY NAME IS KENNY AND I LIKE THE BLUE SKY AND MY FUR SMELLS REAL NICE AFTER I GET A BATH!!!!!!!!!!!

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHI'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU PEOPLES TODAY ABOUT A RECENT EVENT THAT I PURPORT SERVES AS A STARK REMINDER DAT EVEN IF WE AS A COUNTRY COULD BE HEADING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION ON A MACRO-SCALE, A GRAVE AMOUNT OF INJUSTICE STILL EXISTS IN THE NATIONAL MICROCOSMS OF SMALLTOWN AMERICA, PARTICULARLY NORTHAMPTON PENNSYLVANIA.

Poops self.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRECENTLY A NORTHAMPTON HIGH SCHOOL STUDINT WHO WILL GO UNNAMED (I DON'T WANNA GET BRYAN SCHNELLER IN NO MORE TROUBLE DAN HE ARREADY IS) DECIDED TO AMUSE HIS COMPATRIOTS WITH A SNIPPET OF CLEVER YET HARMLESS SATIRE ORIGINATING FROM A LETTER SENT FROM DA SOUP OR INTENDENT OF DA SCHOOLS.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYOU MIGHT THINK DAT IT SOUNDS PRIDDY BAD, BUT HE JUST TOOK OUT SUMPN' IN DA LETTER AND REPLACED IT WIT THE WORDS "POOPY HANDS"



AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAPOOPYHANDSAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAPOOPYHANDSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAPOOPYHANDSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAPOOPYHANDSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHALLWORKANDNOPLAYMAKESJACKADULLBOYAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAPOOPYHANDS. GET IT? POOP?

I POOP SOMETIMES.

SO THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN HE SHOWS IT TO FRIEN AN THE FRIEN MAKES COPIES OF IT CUZ IT'S FUNNY CAUSE POOOOOOOOOOOOP!!! HAHA GET IT? POOP? SO THEY MAKES COPIES OF IT AND THE DECEMINATION OF SAID UNNAMED STUDINT'S SATIRICAL WORK GAVE CAUSE FOR WORRY FROM BRYAN THE UNNAMED STUDINT.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSOOOOOOO HE WENTED TO DA PRINCE IPPLE'S OFFICE AND ALERTED THEM TO THE ACTIONS THAT TRANSPIRED WHICH WERE BEYOND HIS REALM OF CONTROL.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAND DA PRINCE IPPLE'S DINNINT CARE OR NOTHIN!!! THEY PROBLY THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY TOO. POOP.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEVEN ONE OF DA TEACHERSES USED IT TO SHOW DA KIDDIES WHAT A PROPER LITERARY EXAMPLE OF THE SATIRIC FORM WAS, THUS INCORPORATING YOUNG UNNAMED BRYAN'S PIECE INTO A HIGH SCHOOL CIRRICULUUM. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT BRYAN SCHNELLER OF UNNAMED STUDINT NOTERIETY. I BET YOU SOUP OR INTENDENT OF SCHOOLS NEVER HAD NOTHIN IN NO CIRRICULUUMS.

Rolls around in aforementioned poop

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEVERY'TIN SEEMED REAL NICE FOR BRYAN WHEN HE COMED HOME FOR DA WEEKEND.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHBUT EVERY'TIN WASN'T REAL NICE WHEN THA UNNAMED STUDINT COMED IN TO SCHOOL FOR CLASS ON THE MONDAY THAT CAME AFTER THE SUNDAY THAT CAME AFTER THE SATURDAY THAT CAME AFTER THE FRIDAY WHEN HE WROTED THE POOPY HANDS THINGY.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHDA SOUP OR INTENDO OF SCHOOLS WAS THERE WAITN FOR HIM. I DUNNO WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE BUT I BET ITS LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!
YA KNOW WHY CUZ HOW I KNOW? CUZ UGLY PEOPLE ARE GENERALLY MISERABLE. CUZ IT'S CUZ THEIR UGLY, THATS WHY.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSO DA UGLY MAN-LADY SOUP OR NINTENDO (I CHOOSE NINTENDO HAHAHAHAPOOP) SAYS "HEY UNNAMED STUDINT, YOU GOTTA GO HOME FOR SUSPENSION!" AND BRYAN THE UNNAMED STUDINT IS ALL LIKE "NAH UH!!!" AN SHE WAS LIKE "YAH HUH!" AND HE WAS LIKE "NAH UH" AND SHE WAS LIKE

Reenacts the fist fight that presumably happened between student and superintendent with Playmobil Toys.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAND SO HE GOTTED SUSPENSIONED. FOR 5 DAYS!

FOR CHANGING "FLU" TO "POOPY HANDS" ON SOME LETTER.

WHICH DINNINT INSULT NOBODY OR NOTHIN.

THAT HE DINNINT MAKE NO COPIES OF EXCEPT FOR THE FIRST ONE THAT WAS HIS.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHI FIND IT PERTINENT TO MENTION THAT ANUDDER STUDENT AT NO-NAME SCHNELLER'S SCHOOL PULLED A FIREARM OUT IN A CLASSROOM AND HELDED UP ONE OF HIS TEACHERS AT GUNPOINT. DAT STUDINT GOTTED 10 DAYS SUSPENSION. AND THEN WAS LETTED BACK INTO DA SCHOOL. AND GRADUATED. AND WASN'T ARRESTED.

THUS EQUATING "POOPY HANDS" TO HALF AS BAD AS ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON.

AND I'M DA RETARDET ONE.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUGLY FUGLY 1 2 THRUGLY SAID DAT MAYBE SOME PEOPLES WOULD THINK DAT IT WAS HER DAT WROTED THE "POOPY HANDS" LETTER AND THATS WHY SHE SUSPENSIONED HIM. BUT IT'S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE THAT UGLY PEOPLES AREN'T FUNNY NEETHER SO I DON'T THINK SHE GOT TO WORRY.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIN A SHOW OF SOLIDARITY AND AS A PREFERABLE OPTION TO ACTUALLY DOIN SOMETHIN, BRYAN'S FRIENS MADE A PAGE IN THE BOOK OF FACES. GO THERE AND TELL DEM KENNY THE DIFFERENTLY-ABLED LIGER TOLDED YOU TO DO IT!!!!!!!

POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!