EPIC OLD MAN WIN

This is not Scott Wagar. But I imagine him to look at least something like this. Who is Scott Wagar, you are most assuredly asking yourself. Well I'll tell you. He's an old man who was sick of teens TPing his house. So he shot them... with fox piss.

A 50-year-old man who told authorities he was fed up with teens toilet-papering his house decided to defend his property — with a squirt gun filled with fox urine.

WIN. If you are the kids who were toilet papering his house, you have to tip your cap and move on, right? He wins, hands down.

Now, Scott Wagar is in trouble with the law.
Wagar pleaded not guilty on Wednesday in Kandiyohi County District Court to misdemeanor assault and other charges. He was released on personal recognizance.

WHAT?! They were toilet papering his house! Self defense motherfuckers! This man should be cleared of all charges and issued a metal immediately. How could he be any more bad ass?

According to police, Wagar was on his property Sept. 16 when he used night vision goggles to see 15-20 people running toward his place. He told police that he told them to leave, swore at them and sprayed them with the fox urine. He also allegedly struggled with one of the teens.

That's right. That's how. Night vision goggles? Are you kidding me? This guy is awesome! What did the cops say, "You're under arrest for being 150% amazing" ? Guess what. Those stupid kids had it coming.

It's weird. As a young person, I pretty much unabashedly hate old people, but I know that before long I will be the crotchetiest old man who ever lived, and will then hate young people will a burning white-hot passion, but I can't help sitting here thinking that both mes are one hundred percent correct.