NOT EXACTLY "OCEAN'S ELEVEN" CALIBER

This gets me every single god damned time. It absolutely BOGGLES my mind when you hear something like "cops found 20,000 kilos of cocaine during a routine traffic stop for speeding."

Dawg.

WHY THE FUCKING FUCKSTICK OF A FUCK WERE YOU SPEEDING YOU USELESS DINGLEBERRY OF A HUMAN?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

When I was younger, I'd be super careful driving after I'd smoked a fucking bowl of terrible-ass Scranton dirtweed, EVEN IF I WASN'T HOLDING? Know why? Because dealing with cops right before/after/during something illegal is God Fucking Awful and I strive to avoid it at all costs.

SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD Y--

deep breath

Just read it.

LAWRENCEVILLE, Ga. (AP) - Gwinnett County deputies found more than $1 million in cash in a car they had stopped for a traffic violation.

Now I know it's the south, so some of you out there are going to make the whole "we can't hold the mentally handicap up to the same standards as people from the Northeast" argument, but J. Fucking. Christ. And I know sometimes the traffic violation is little and silly, like a broken brake light or expired inspection stickers or something, BUT IF YOU ARE MAKING THE PLANS TO SOMEHOW ILLEGALLY ACQUIRE MORE THAN ONE MILLION DOLLARS AMERICAN, PERHAPS TAKE A MOMENT TO LOOK AT YOUR CAR AND SEE IF IT'S A POLICE BEACON, YOU VACUOUS WASTE OF TIME, SPACE, AND YOUR DADDY'S SPERM.

But what was the reason the police pulled over our friend Cleatus? (The article doesn't mention his actual name, but are YOU going to bet money that his name isn't Cleatus? No. No you're not.)

Sheriff's spokeswoman Stacey Bourbonnais said the man was stopped Friday after deputies noticed he was swerving in and out of lanes.

Reckless driving. Not even speeding, where maybe the dude's getting pulled over for going 3 or 4 miles over. Swerving in and out of lanes. This is so fucking EPICALLY stupid it's almost admirable.

Mind if I rant for a moment about the terrible racism in this country? Oh, you do mind? Well, then fuck you right in the face with your grandpa's dick.

This dude was white. The article does not disclose the ethnicity of the suspect, nor (like I said before) a name, nor a picture. How do I know he's white? Glad you asked! You didn't ask? Well, fuck your mother!

While speaking to him, the man allegedly pushed a deputy and fled on foot. He was captured and charged with obstruction of a law enforcement officer.

I would literally bet the lives of every child on the planet (actually, every child on the planet but Pem's; she's just too damned adorable) that this dude was white, and I'd do this for two reasons: 1) God do I hate kids, so win-win, and 2) There is no other ethnicity in America that gets to PUSH a deputy, run away ON FOOT, and only get "obstruction of a law enforcement officer." A black dude touches a cop, and he gets charged with first degree murder, regardless of the fact that the cop he touched is alive and well and sitting at the trial.

If this were a black (or Latino, or Arabic, possibly even Asian) dude, the quote would've been closer to

While speaking to him, the man allegedly pushed a deputy and fled on foot. He was shot 174 times by 10 different officers, many of whom showed up 10 to 15 minutes after the suspect was first gunned down. The Lawrenceville mayor will host a dinner on Thursday evening to honor the brave officers involved in the incident.

Well...that's certainly one way to end a post on our comedic blog about silly shit.

Reason #2,453,976 the South Lost the Civil War

The city of Lavonia, GA just spent $1 million dollars at a strip joint.

I know what you're thinking: fucking sweet.

But they didn't spend the money on 200,000 lapdances, or even 50,000 trips to the "Boom Boom Room." They bought the whole damned place.

I know, you're still thinking: fucking SWEET.

Yeah, they bought it to shut it down.

You did WHAT?!?

The town of Lavonia could have used nearly $1 million to pay off the bond fund for a water treatment plant upgrade. Instead, officials bought Cafe Risque, which they have long tried to shut down.

I love that even the guy reporting on this for MSNBC thinks these people are fucking retarded. But seriously, a small town in Georgia somehow gets their hands on $1 million (maybe Lil Jon was visiting and forgot his wallet in the hotel or something), and they take a look at all their options for spending the money:

1. Pay off Bond Fund for Water Treatment Plant Upgrade
2. Build new High School sports center for the kiddies
3. Pay for experts to come in and deal with Giant "Baby Stealer" Rat infestation
4. Get rid of the town nudey bar

Nice choice, assholes...

Lavonia's mayor got a standing ovation when he announced the deal at a meeting earlier this week. Crews took down the signs advertising it and burned them in a large bonfire at the strip club site, near a major highway.

Oh the backwoodsy-ness of it all. Of course these southern fried hicks were going to work a bonfire into the mix somehow. And, less noticeable in the quote is the fact that the strip club was near a major highway, AKA nowhere near the actual podunk bumblefuck backwards ass darky hatin' (assumedly) town that spent a cool milli to get rid of it.

Oh, and to the quilt club attending, no-sex having dried up old Vajayjays who annoyed the shit out of the mayor until he coughed up a million dollars to close down this strip club: he wouldn't have had to do shit if your beer swilling husbands weren't spending 75% of their paycheck from their gig repairin' Mack Trucks on lap dances from Minny, the 57 year old stripper who, until recently, worked at the Cafe Risque.

Sorry...I have a headache this morning and this article just pissed me off so...yeah. I'm gonna go poop now.