NOT EXACTLY "OCEAN'S ELEVEN" CALIBER

This gets me every single god damned time. It absolutely BOGGLES my mind when you hear something like "cops found 20,000 kilos of cocaine during a routine traffic stop for speeding."

Dawg.

WHY THE FUCKING FUCKSTICK OF A FUCK WERE YOU SPEEDING YOU USELESS DINGLEBERRY OF A HUMAN?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

When I was younger, I'd be super careful driving after I'd smoked a fucking bowl of terrible-ass Scranton dirtweed, EVEN IF I WASN'T HOLDING? Know why? Because dealing with cops right before/after/during something illegal is God Fucking Awful and I strive to avoid it at all costs.

SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD Y--

deep breath

Just read it.

LAWRENCEVILLE, Ga. (AP) - Gwinnett County deputies found more than $1 million in cash in a car they had stopped for a traffic violation.

Now I know it's the south, so some of you out there are going to make the whole "we can't hold the mentally handicap up to the same standards as people from the Northeast" argument, but J. Fucking. Christ. And I know sometimes the traffic violation is little and silly, like a broken brake light or expired inspection stickers or something, BUT IF YOU ARE MAKING THE PLANS TO SOMEHOW ILLEGALLY ACQUIRE MORE THAN ONE MILLION DOLLARS AMERICAN, PERHAPS TAKE A MOMENT TO LOOK AT YOUR CAR AND SEE IF IT'S A POLICE BEACON, YOU VACUOUS WASTE OF TIME, SPACE, AND YOUR DADDY'S SPERM.

But what was the reason the police pulled over our friend Cleatus? (The article doesn't mention his actual name, but are YOU going to bet money that his name isn't Cleatus? No. No you're not.)

Sheriff's spokeswoman Stacey Bourbonnais said the man was stopped Friday after deputies noticed he was swerving in and out of lanes.

Reckless driving. Not even speeding, where maybe the dude's getting pulled over for going 3 or 4 miles over. Swerving in and out of lanes. This is so fucking EPICALLY stupid it's almost admirable.

Mind if I rant for a moment about the terrible racism in this country? Oh, you do mind? Well, then fuck you right in the face with your grandpa's dick.

This dude was white. The article does not disclose the ethnicity of the suspect, nor (like I said before) a name, nor a picture. How do I know he's white? Glad you asked! You didn't ask? Well, fuck your mother!

While speaking to him, the man allegedly pushed a deputy and fled on foot. He was captured and charged with obstruction of a law enforcement officer.

I would literally bet the lives of every child on the planet (actually, every child on the planet but Pem's; she's just too damned adorable) that this dude was white, and I'd do this for two reasons: 1) God do I hate kids, so win-win, and 2) There is no other ethnicity in America that gets to PUSH a deputy, run away ON FOOT, and only get "obstruction of a law enforcement officer." A black dude touches a cop, and he gets charged with first degree murder, regardless of the fact that the cop he touched is alive and well and sitting at the trial.

If this were a black (or Latino, or Arabic, possibly even Asian) dude, the quote would've been closer to

While speaking to him, the man allegedly pushed a deputy and fled on foot. He was shot 174 times by 10 different officers, many of whom showed up 10 to 15 minutes after the suspect was first gunned down. The Lawrenceville mayor will host a dinner on Thursday evening to honor the brave officers involved in the incident.

Well...that's certainly one way to end a post on our comedic blog about silly shit.

You Know What This Presidential Campaign is Missing? RACISM. Oh wait, I know...

Everyone, meet Diane Fidele, leader of the Chaffey Community Republican Women...um...Club (or "DumbCunts," for short).

As John McCain's last attempt at making a "game-changer" (whatever the fuck that means) fell short at the final Presidential Debate, his campaign looks to be hanging on by a thread in the polls.

Connection to fuckwits at McCain/Palin rallies (the most notable fuckwit: Palin) have tarnished the GOP candidate's reputation, and at times have caused him to rip the mic away from idiots before they drop the N-bomb and look to him for a high-five. Let's watch!

What can McCain supporters like Diane do in their candidate's time of need? What can be done to show that McCain, that Republicans in general, are not the close minded racist assholes they are depicted to be?

Oh I know! Let's make an Obama food stamp and circulate it around town!

A local [Californian...WTF?!?!?!? -Ed] Republican group has distributed a newsletter picturing Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on a fake $10 bill adorned with a watermelon, ribs and a bucket of fried chicken.

W fucking OW. Way to go, GOP. John McCain's newest campaign slogan: "Hey guys...really...you need to shut the fuck up now."

But why Diane, why??? Do you really have that much hate in your heart toward black people? And, um....WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LIVING IN CALIFORNIA? Don't racists usually heart Alabama or Montana or something?

Diane Fedele, president of the group, said she had no racist intent.

OoooOOOooOOOoOOooOOOoooh now I get it! She didn't mean it to be racist, she did it because...um...she did it to prove that...uh...mind fielding this one Diane?

Fedele said she had received the illustration in e-mails and decided to reprint it to poke fun at a remark by Obama that he doesn't look like other presidents.

OooooooOooooOOOOOooooOOOoOoOOOOoOooooooooooOOoooooh now I see.

...

Nope, still don't.

"It was strictly an attempt to point out the outrageousness of his statement."

Well Diane does have a point there. It's pretty ridiculous for a man who may become the first black president in the history of the United States of America to say that he doesn't look like other presidents. I mean if you're going to say outlandish things like that, brilliant satirists like Diane have no choice but to PhotoShop you next to fried chicken and Kool-Aid. And she probably didn't even make the connection to racism!

"I never connected," she told the newspaper.

SEE? Fuckin' told you!

"It was just food to me. It didn't mean anything else."

Ok. All sarcastic bumpkin-thumping aside, THIS is the picture this brainless cunt decided to circulate to 200 people through her newsletter:



"Obama bucks." This is a photo of a black man on the front of a food stamp surrounded by pictures of Kool-Aid, watermelon, and BBQ ribs. In any and all scenarios, both in this plane of existence and any alternate universes there may be, THIS IS RACIST.

"We'd also like to point out" continued Diane, "that we were only giving a shout out to the African nation of 'Niger,' which I learned only after we sent the newsletter out is spelled with only one 'g.'"

Interested readers (read: fuckwit conservative Australian commenters) claimed that Obama was no better, due to the fact that he went to church when he was a kid and his pastor has said some pretty mean things about white folks.

THIS TYPE OF SHIT IS WHY HE SAYS MEAN THINGS ABOUT WHITE FOLKS. OH, AND, UH SLAVERY.

STOP PRETENDING LIKE WHITE PEOPLE HAVE IT WORSE THAN MINORITIES. THEY DON'T. PERIOD. END. OF. FUCKING. SENTENCE. MORONS.

Here's one of the comments...and don't give this bitch benefit of the doubt because she's from Australia...it still sounds like a 105 year old Klan member dictating to his 4 year old grandon with Parkinson's.

And let us all not forget [sic] the Racism [sic] Barack Hussein Obama [way to bring up the fact that his middle name's 'Hussein' cuz fuckwit racists NEVER do that -Ed] and his spouse listened to year after year for 20 years from Farrakhan [???] and Jeremiah Wright - the hate that spewed forth about the white man. And the US chickens coming home to roost after the murder of innocent civllians[sic and ?!?!???]........anti white rhetoric[**shoots self in face**]. If you think racism is just a GOP trait then your [sic] a bigger idiot than I first thought. PS: Hi Dazza :P

I felt it my civic duty to respond.

Hi Patricia! Do me a favor, mkay? Die in a fire.

PS Hi Dazza!!!:)))ZOMG:P LOLCATZ

Point: me.