NOT EXACTLY "OCEAN'S ELEVEN" CALIBER

This gets me every single god damned time. It absolutely BOGGLES my mind when you hear something like "cops found 20,000 kilos of cocaine during a routine traffic stop for speeding."

Dawg.

WHY THE FUCKING FUCKSTICK OF A FUCK WERE YOU SPEEDING YOU USELESS DINGLEBERRY OF A HUMAN?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

When I was younger, I'd be super careful driving after I'd smoked a fucking bowl of terrible-ass Scranton dirtweed, EVEN IF I WASN'T HOLDING? Know why? Because dealing with cops right before/after/during something illegal is God Fucking Awful and I strive to avoid it at all costs.

SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD Y--

deep breath

Just read it.

LAWRENCEVILLE, Ga. (AP) - Gwinnett County deputies found more than $1 million in cash in a car they had stopped for a traffic violation.

Now I know it's the south, so some of you out there are going to make the whole "we can't hold the mentally handicap up to the same standards as people from the Northeast" argument, but J. Fucking. Christ. And I know sometimes the traffic violation is little and silly, like a broken brake light or expired inspection stickers or something, BUT IF YOU ARE MAKING THE PLANS TO SOMEHOW ILLEGALLY ACQUIRE MORE THAN ONE MILLION DOLLARS AMERICAN, PERHAPS TAKE A MOMENT TO LOOK AT YOUR CAR AND SEE IF IT'S A POLICE BEACON, YOU VACUOUS WASTE OF TIME, SPACE, AND YOUR DADDY'S SPERM.

But what was the reason the police pulled over our friend Cleatus? (The article doesn't mention his actual name, but are YOU going to bet money that his name isn't Cleatus? No. No you're not.)

Sheriff's spokeswoman Stacey Bourbonnais said the man was stopped Friday after deputies noticed he was swerving in and out of lanes.

Reckless driving. Not even speeding, where maybe the dude's getting pulled over for going 3 or 4 miles over. Swerving in and out of lanes. This is so fucking EPICALLY stupid it's almost admirable.

Mind if I rant for a moment about the terrible racism in this country? Oh, you do mind? Well, then fuck you right in the face with your grandpa's dick.

This dude was white. The article does not disclose the ethnicity of the suspect, nor (like I said before) a name, nor a picture. How do I know he's white? Glad you asked! You didn't ask? Well, fuck your mother!

While speaking to him, the man allegedly pushed a deputy and fled on foot. He was captured and charged with obstruction of a law enforcement officer.

I would literally bet the lives of every child on the planet (actually, every child on the planet but Pem's; she's just too damned adorable) that this dude was white, and I'd do this for two reasons: 1) God do I hate kids, so win-win, and 2) There is no other ethnicity in America that gets to PUSH a deputy, run away ON FOOT, and only get "obstruction of a law enforcement officer." A black dude touches a cop, and he gets charged with first degree murder, regardless of the fact that the cop he touched is alive and well and sitting at the trial.

If this were a black (or Latino, or Arabic, possibly even Asian) dude, the quote would've been closer to

While speaking to him, the man allegedly pushed a deputy and fled on foot. He was shot 174 times by 10 different officers, many of whom showed up 10 to 15 minutes after the suspect was first gunned down. The Lawrenceville mayor will host a dinner on Thursday evening to honor the brave officers involved in the incident.

Well...that's certainly one way to end a post on our comedic blog about silly shit.

What're You Supposed to Be? The Pig That Stole Christmas?

Let's say you're driving around Orlando, Florida (presumably high and headed to Disney World or sobering up and leaving Disney World) and you run a red light. Soon after, you hear sirens. Fuck.

So you check yourself in the mirror to see if the Visine has taken full effect, practice your best sober rendition of "is there a problem officer?" and wait for the cop to knock on your window.

***Knock knock knock***

"Ahem, um, is there a problem offi--""Merry Christmas!!!"

"Oh. Oh! That's pretty cool, man! Thanks! Merry Christmas to you too! So is this an annual thing you guys do or--"

"Sir, are you aware you ran a red light?"

"...sorry?"

"You ran a red light, sir. I'm giving you a ticket."

"Um...then why are you dressed up as an elf?"

"SIR! I'll ask you not to take this lightly! Running red lights is a serious infraction and you put yourself and others at risk by doing so!"

"But...but..."Officer hands him ticket

"Happy Holidays sir."

"Thanks...dick."

"What did you--"

"Nothing!"

The Orange County Sheriff's Office [said? reported? either way, sic] the deputies disguised as Christmas characters patrolled a single intersection from 7:30 a.m. to 9:30 a.m. Tuesday and dolled out 50 tickets -- each carrying a fine of $201 -- for running red lights

Wow. Well at least this helps dispell the common perception of cops generally being dicks who abuse their power. And disguised as an elf and the Grinch? The fact they're coming out of a police cruiser kinda ruins the surprise. But in all seriousness, there's no other reason to do this other than to be a MASSIVE prick.

"Hey, Bobby I gotta great idea, it'll really get 'em on our traffic patrol tomorrow. See, when we pull over someone for speeding or runnin' a red light or something, we--"

"Gun rape them?"

"No, Bobby. Enough with the gun rape."

"Fine, Dr. Killjoy, what's your idea?"

"We dress up like Christmas characters, right? And so when we pull people over, they'll get the idea that we're spreading holiday cheer!"

"Then what?"

"What else? We fine 'em $200 and ruin their day. But you see, we'll ruin their day worse than usual 'cause we build 'em up before!"

"Sounds good! Could use a little more gun rape in my opinion, but yea, let's fuckin' do it!"

"We just want to keep everyone safe," the deputy dressed as the elf said.

Yes. That's why these buffoons are dressed up in costumes! It...increases the...safeness, I guess?..of the community...um...by...because it...nope. They're just pricks.