News Media Agrees: 5th Times a Charm, DWI-wise

So there's a news story out about a gentleman who was polite to his arresting officer. I know what you're thinking: That hardly qualifies as news, really. Well guess what, I'm bored and it's a slow day, interesting news-wise, so here we are. Just sit back. Relax. Take off your pants. Unwind a little. Have a drink. Feather your bangs. Think about your dad. What's your dad like? I want to meet that dad!



What? Oh. Hi, sorry.

Do you have some booze you'd like to share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?

Instead of having a hostile reaction, a driver offered his thanks when officers pulled him over on suspicion of drunken driving for a fifth time.

Which might lead one to think: Maybe he learned this is the proper approach after being pulled over for DWI's FOUR FUCKING OTHER TIMES?! This is like a story where a kid who gets left back is then able to pass a test he had previously taken, except like he took a dump on it after he filled in all the right answers. Or something. I guess what I'm trying to say is like who fucking cares how polite he was when he was being arrested for a DWI for the 5th goddamn time?

A criminal complaint quoted 52-year-old David Hyland of Plymouth as saying, "Thank you very much for everything you've done for me" after he was stopped early last Friday.

Unfortunately, he wasn't talking to the cop. He was talking simultaneously to the beer in his hand and his penis.

The complaint says he added, "I shouldn't have been driving and deserve to get caught."

Like, congrats? Great? Oh look, he knows he fucked up, again. Let's pat him on the back about it! But in all seriousness for trusies, don't you think that maybe this guy has had a little practice on what to say and what not to say upon being arrested for DWI? I imagine it was a progressive learning experience.

First time:

Cop: Excuse me sir, have you been drinking tonight?

David Hyland: No Officer, you can even ask your mother, because I'm actually coming from her house, where I just finished having an efficient session of sexual intercourse with her. She even let me ejaculate on your high school yearbook photo!

Second time:

Cop: Excuse me sir, have you been drinking tonight?

DH: Excuse me officer, have you been sucking cock tonight? Your breath smells like cock.

Third Time:

Cop: Excuse me sir, have you been drinking tonight?

DH: No, why? You trying to pick me up? You want to take me out for a drink? I'm so lonely. Are you lonely? Rub my leg a little, if you're lonely.

Fourth Time:

Cop: Hi David. Drunk again?

DH: Umm... no? I mean yes? I mean whats the answer I give to not get cold cocked or arrested? I better write this down.

After he failed field sobriety tests and registered a blood-alcohol level of 0.14 percent, or over the limit of 0.08 percent, he told officers he knew he had been drinking too much to drive.

It's a good thing he told the officers he knew he had been drinking too much to drive, otherwise they would have had no idea! What with all the field sobriety tests and the blood tests and the what have yous. I just find it so odd that like, someone being polite while being arrested for their fifth DWI is somehow news worthy. Like who fucking cares, get back to me when he starts calling lady officers sugar tits and goes on rants blaming the Jews for all the worlds wars.

Get Bent, Phelps! We Have a NEW Champion in Town

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! Where am I?

My Dad once said, "Everyone is the best in the world at something. The trick is to find out what's your something and try to make a living off it."

Actually he didn't say that at all, although I sorta wish he did. Might've made me reach for the stars a little more and maybe I wouldn't be in a dead-end office job blogging all God-Damned day.

I digress. What my dad actually said is "if you get 10 DWI's, you're probably going to get life in prison."

Kenneth Chris Oneal, 58, received the maximum sentence Thursday after jurors convicted him of driving while intoxicated-repetition, his 10th drunken-driving related offense.

Mr. Oneal was given a standing ovation as he arrived at the precinct, and after a brief puke-and-rally, he was awarded the Texas State DWI Championship, and even received a phone call from the previous title holder.

Hey, ya ever do "Frosted Donuts?" It's where you do a TON of coke, right, and then you-- oh, hold on, my boss just came in. (puts down phone) Yes, Karl?

The offense was a felony because he had at least two such convictions in the past, prosecutors said.

Makes sense. Except wasn't this the seventh fucking time that he had "at least two such convictions?" Like really, times 7, 8, and 9 everyone was like "oh, Idunno. I'll bet he doesn't do it again. Seems like a nice guy." Fuckin' Texans.

Ben Hoover, lead prosecutor in the case, said Oneal also had previously been convicted of assault and failure to stop and render aid.

I'm not sure on that last one. Something tells me that if I'm in an accident in Witchita, Texas:

1. God have mercy on my Left-Wing Hip Hop lovin' soul

2. I don't want someone with 10 DWI's stopping to assist me with anything other than directions to the nearest Brew-Thru.

"The jury handed down a big sentence, but it was a just sentence," Hoover said. "The jury apparently took this offense seriously and wanted to send a message that a multiple-DWI offender was not going to be allowed back on the roads of Wichita County."

Way to send that message, Witchita! If you're thinking about getting caught driving drunk and endangering the lives of everyone around you 11 times you've got another think coming!!!

Mr. Oneal would have been up for the death penalty, but the judge decided to take it off the table upon learning that Oneal wasn't actually retarded, just a Texan.