Marble Hill English Teacher is Confused, Racy

Teacher reassigned over racy essay

I saw this headline and immediately thought, "who's the dumbass that wrote this? Shouldn't it be 'resigned'?" Turns out, I'm the dumbass, because the teacher was reassigned, much like the title suggests.

By most accounts, Greg Van Voorhis, or "Mr. V," is a very popular English teacher at the Bronx School of Law and Finance. Students like Lauren Henriquez say he knows how to relate to them.

"He's a really, really good teacher," she said. "He understands. You can speak to him about anything."

"Even talking about dirty stuff, like masturbating with carrots and shit!"

But school officials say Van Voorhis may have gone too far when he gave his 11th graders a graphic short story about masturbation involving a carrot, among other things.

Whoa hey! Fancy that. A couple of things: this article nowhere mentions the name of the short story, who wrote it, or just how sexy it is. But there's also a video on the site, and it shows that the story this guy chose to share with his eleventh graders was one called "Guts" by Chuck Palahniuk. A story that was originally published in Playboy. First and foremost, if the guy should get in trouble for anything, it should be for using a Palahniuk story. Have you ever read anything by him? Holy hell he fucking sucks. All of his main characters speak in that same way that the guy in Fight Club does where he thinks everything he does is super badassed and they're always having sex with ultra hot girls all the time. It's fucking stupid. Anyway, if he should get in trouble, it should be for the following quote from his student:

"I don't feel there was nothing bad about it," Henriquez said. "It was just a story. We read it outside of class, so why can't we read it inside class?"

Guess what honey, trying to save your ENGLISH teacher by saying something like "I don't feel there was nothing bad about it" is a step in the wrong fucking direction. But honestly I kind of agree with like, who cares how racy as long as it's something worth teaching/reading - which I think I've made clear Palahniuk is not, but still. These kids are going to learn about masturbating with carrots somewhere, why not have it be school?

But Louella Hatch, who has a grandson in the tenth grade at the school, isn't laughing.

"If it is true, he can't still be around the school, you know?" she said.

It's funny how in print a quote can seem so different than when you see it. I read this and was like, "aw this woman is concerned for the well-being of her grandson" but watch the video:

Actually watching her say it is more like "holy crap she's old. She probably doesn't even know where she is! Who gives a shit what she thinks about schooling!"

Alec Nightengale is also an English teacher at the school and a personal friend of Van Voorhis. He says his colleague deserves to be back in the classroom.

"I've known him all my life, and I know he had the best of intentions," Nightengale said. "And he only wants what's best for the kids."

"And the carrots."

Katt Williams Finally Does Something Funny

via cnn

Real News Now Getting Ideas from Text from Last Night

Drunk man calls 911 to report pot stolen

I tried really hard to find an appropriate picture of a drunk idiot on the road or something to add to this post, but oddly enough, if you type in "drunk" or "drunk idiot" into google image search, you find largely pictures of scantily clad women. And you also find guys passed out on the floor with lots of hilarious things drawn on them in sharpie. Or covered in gravy mix, apparently:

Anyway, the actual story is pretty much summed up by the title... except of course the guy wasn't at home or something... he was driving.

SALEM, Ore. - Oregon police have charged a man with drunk driving after he called 911 to report his marijuana as stolen but the dispatcher couldn't understand him because he was vomiting while on the road.

Marion County sheriff's deputies say 21-year-old Calvin Hoover, of Salem, told dispatchers early Tuesday that someone had broken into his truck and stolen cash, a jacket and a small amount of marijuana while he was at a tavern in Salem.

He then called 911 again to complain that deputies had not arrived, but the dispatcher had trouble understanding Hoover because he was driving and stopping several times to vomit.

I don't think I've ever had a thought to call the police about anything - luckily I've never had occasion to call the cops for any reason, but holy hell how stupid and/or hammered must you be to do that. I can't even comprehend the state of mind. He called 911 to report his drugs stolen, then called AGAIN when it seemed like they weren't coming in a timely fashion. I also can't imagine having that much knee-jerk reaction to anything gone missing. Also, doesn't the tavern have some kind of responsibility to not let this asshole get in his car? And was he there alone? What 21 year old goes to a bar without several friends and hopefully a DD? Seriously, if I went back in time and saw myself going to bar solo, I would point at myself and laugh. Then the 21 year old me would probably see me, thus creating some kind of time paradox that would make the universe implode.

So if the universe implodes, you'll know why, and you'll know that Calvin Hoover is to blame, for inspiring me to invent the time machine.

Working At Blockbuster Must Suck

If you're a normal human being, you've called in sick to work before. And some bosses are understanding, and some jobs blow. I remember one time in college I called in sick to work when I was supposed to be there at 5:30am and there was no way it was going to happen - my boss demanded a doctor's note to prove that I had actually been sick. Is that even legal? (as an epilogue to that story I had a friend who worked in a Dr.'s office steal a piece of his prescription paper and then forged a note)

Anyway, the point is that no one can force you to go to work, and there's ways to play hooky without getting caught, and ways to do it without causing yourself serious bodily harm. There are certain lengths it is not necessary to go to get out of work - such as stabbing yourself and saying you were attacked.

A 29-year-old man who claimed he was attacked and stabbed by three people - skinheads or Hispanic males - confessed Monday night that he stabbed himself because he didn't want to go to work, Edgewater Police said today.

The man, Aaron Siebers, walked into his employer, the Blockbuster Video store at 1921 Sheridan about 6:30 p.m. Monday, and reported the attack. He said the trio was dressed in black.

Now, it may seem like that's awful elaborate just to get out of work. And that's mainly because it is. And seriously, is working at a blockbuster that bad? What do you do - arrange movies and hang out and watch movies all day. And occasionally deal with a dumb customer - but probably not that often since who goes to movie stores any more. Also - skinheads or Hispanic males?! Because if you're trying to sell a story about a trio and not being sure of their race or ethnicity, be sure to pick 2 that are in no way close to one another. "He was tall... or possibly very short. He had long long hair... but also might have been bald." "He was a very ugly man... but while they attacked me I thought of having sex with him"

Anyway, the article goes on to explain how he said it happened right by this Target, but surveillance videos basically showed no such thing happened. So the guy is arrested and charged with false blah blah whatever. And then he has the stones to say this,


"If you are going to concoct a story about being stabbed, don't do it near a Target store," said Davis.


THAT'S what you've come away from this having learned? How about like "If you don't want to go to work, don't stab yourself and concoct a story about being stabbed." Or, "If you hate your job, try and determine why and then think of ways to fix them and place those ideas in your work's suggestion box." Just kidding about that last one. That's stupid. I have a bunch of internet nerd friends much like myself (you are shocked, I know) and this one message board had a "suggestions" thread - I assume most message boards do - and the best thing I ever saw was a post entitled "I SUGGEST you stop being such assholes." But so now does this guy still work at Blockbuster? They have to have fired him, no? If the guy hated working there enough to stab himself not to have to go, and now they know this thanks to a huge news item there's no way they could keep him there. And here I always thought working at a video store was nothing but relaxing, Star Wars discussions, and witty banter with ignorant customers. Color me jaded. : (

Maybe You Shouldn't Drive?

If I took a test, on a daily basis, for about 4 years, and not only didn't have the test completely memorized, but failed EVERY SINGLE TIME, I would probably give up. Or kill myself. Turns out a Miss Cha Sa-soon disagrees.

A woman in South Korea who tried to pass the written exam for a driver's license with near-daily attempts since April 2005 has finally succeeded on her 950th time.

The aspiring driver spent more than 5 million won ($4,200) in application fees, but until now had failed to score the minimum 60 out of a possible 100 points needed to get behind the wheel for a driving test.

Sorry guy - the picture of you next to 'persistent' is being replaced.

Seriously? How do you not at some point figure out some other option? And if you are not smart enough to pass a test you've taken, like 500 times, shouldn't someone stop her? I would think a reasonable number like, say, failing 10 times in a row would be ok to say "no more tests for you for a while." I guess South Korea is just nicer than I am. Or at least more willing to put their motorists at risk.

Now she must pass a driving test before getting her license, Choi said.

I wonder if bookies in South Korea are taking money on how many times she needs to take the driving test. What would the line be? in the 500 area? Does the written exam expire after a certain amount of time if she hasn't passed the driving portion? Why do AP articles never answer the questions I have about weird news? And before you think to yourself - Because, Pemulis, those questions are stupid and you are a moron - I'll just cut you off and tell you to pipe down and stop being such a big meanie jerk.

Repeated calls to Cha seeking comment went unanswered. She told the Korea Times newspaper she needed the license for her vegetable-selling business.

This is a 68 year old woman. Is she just now trying to start up a vegetable selling business? Or, at least, just in April of 2005? And so but how has she been transporting them until now?

I know you're expecting jokes about Asian drivers, or old people drivers. But that's beneath me. Sa-Soon isn't a menace to the road because of age or ethnicity. She shouldn't be allowed to drive because she's a woman. Man they're terrible at driving!