Could Be Worse, My Nose Could be Gushing Blood

In what can really only be described as a cartoon-like act of violence, two friends in Iowa got drunk and fought, resulting in one biting the other's nose off.



Authorities said he was drinking with another man when they started arguing and the other man hit him with a shovel. They say Merrival responded by biting off the man's nose and part of his lip.

"He's a heavy drinker and sometimes when he drinks he changes and gets real nasty," the injured man, Matthew Osing, told KCRG-TV. [Ed. note: no shit, ya think?]

He acknowledged hitting Merrival with a shovel, saying, "He was crouched down ready to pounce on me and he was scaring me. ... He jumped up and grabbed me by my face and grabbed my nose and bit it off."

The nose was not recovered but police say Merrival didn't think he swallowed it.
"I don't know if he swallowed it or if my dogs might have eaten it, I don't know," Osing said.

That is pure, unadulterated awesomeness. I hope Osing at least had the good sense to call Merrival a Saigon whore after his nose was bitten off. [random aside: did you know that movie was directed by Bob Saget? Weird]

I also didn't know anyone hit people with shovels in real life. But I guess what else is there to do in Iowa city?

From the Makers of Anime Tentacle Rape Comes...

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Fat A$$hole Angry That People Don't Like His Body Odor

So this 450 pound bastard is asked to leave a casino because he fucking stinks. Sounds reasonable right? Nope! The guy even admits he's a disgusting and smelly and fat waste of space (sort of) and demands an apology from the Casino. He makes a stink about it, if you will. And God I hope you won't.

Anyway,

The 440-pound New York City man said he was playing poker in an Atlantic City casino for 17 hours Tuesday and didn't have time to clean up. He understands why grossed-out gamblers complained about his body odor, but said he didn't deserve stinky treatment from the casino that asked him to leave.

First off, if you weigh a quarter ton, you should understand why people would be grossed out by you, even if you smell like a goddamn rose blossom. If you are morbidly obese and you smell like death and garbage in a public place, you should just be thankful no one had you killed. Seriously though, 17 hours at a casino? What did his wife have to say about this? Hahahahaha, get it? There's no way anyone loves him! Also, he was sitting at a table for 17 hours. Did he not put deodorant on? I sit at a desk for over 8 hours each day. If I doubled that time, I do not think I would smell horrible. Is it because of old food lost in various folds that he should start to smell like rot so quickly? I don't get it.

Dave Coskey, a spokesman for the Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa, said it is company policy not to comment on matters involving customers.

What sort of comment are you looking for? "He stunk, people complained, we asked him to leave." Seems fair.

When the Brooklyn man tried to retake his seat at the table, he said a manager told him to leave. He said he asked for a free room to freshen up, and the casino refused.

I would be willing to bet a lot of money that never happened. "Couldn't I wash myself so I don't stink?" "Nope! We don't want to keep taking your money!"

He promptly filed a complaint about his treatment with the Casino Control Commission. His complaint will be reviewed to determine whether any state gambling laws or regulations were violated, a commission spokesman said Wednesday.

I know the guy's from Brooklyn, and probably says shit like "fuggedaboutit", but I keep picturing him as Ignatious J. Reilly while he complains. Also, what gambling laws could have been violated by asking someone to leave? Especially when everyone else there was complaining that the guy fucking stunk.

Wax said his instincts tell him to find a different casino to patronize, but he likes gambling at the Borgata. He said the casino was out of line to tell him he stinks in front of other patrons.

Yea, because those other patrons had no idea. It's not like they had been complaining about his stench or anything. It's embarrassing being told you stink in front of others. Almost as embarrassing as continuing to remain in a public place while close to other people while you smell like cheese and hot garbage. It's pretty clear the guy has no shame. He's four hundred and forty fucking pounds and smells like sex panther. Yup, an Anchorman joke. Anyway, What does he want from all this? Why's he being such a fat bitch about it?

"I would like an apology," Wax said.

He then added "...and some bear claws"

Turns out he got his wish. The casino issued the following formal apology:

"We here at Borgata are profusely sorry that you're such a smelly fat-ass"

Johnny Depp Set to be Second Best Mad Hatter

So it looks like Johnny Depp has signed on to work with Tim Burton yet again, this time to play the Mad Hatter in Burton's Alice in Wonderland. He's going to have pretty big shoes to fill, after Steve Buscemi essentially perfected the role.

No Jail for Boyfriend Who Let Girlfriend Fuse with Toilet

I think we should all say a little prayer and thank Jesus for this.

If you recall, a few months back, a story broke that a woman refused to leave her bathroom for 2 years, and had literally fused with the toilet seat (Please note the picture of the toilet in the article, in case you were confused as to what a toilet is).

From that article, they mention:

But despite his professions that he was caring for his partner of 16 years, authorities have indicated they are considering charging him with mistreatment of a dependent adult.

So, it turns out they did charge him with this. And in a 'who fucking cares' kind of update, he was given probation. But so also then given 6 months in jail. But that was for waggling his dong at a teenage neighbor.

Kory McFarren pleaded no contest last month to a misdemeanor count of mistreatment of a dependent adult. A judge sentenced him Tuesday to six months in jail but granted the probation after the victim, Pam Babcock, asked for leniency.

"She didn't believe that her circumstances were his fault," Ness County Attorney Craig Crosswhite said.

Is it really fair to be calling her a 'victim'? If anyone's the victim, isn't it the guy who has to put up with this shit for 2 years? Seriously, if my girlfriend stopped leaving the bathroom, and I had to take care of her, I would lose my shit. This guy should get a medal for putting up with her crazy for so long. Probation? I'm no law-ish type guy, but what would count as violating that probation? Letting someone else sit on the toilet too long?

"She didn't believe that her circumstances were his fault," Ness County Attorney Craig Crosswhite said.

No shit! Why is the woman who's been on the toilet for 2 years the voice of reason here?!

Babcock's plight became known in February when McFarren called the Ness County sheriff, expressing concern about his live-in girlfriend. When authorities arrived, they found Babcock physically stuck to the toilet.

I guess the serious question one would have to ask mister McFarren(not to be confused with mister McFerrin), is why exactly he waited until she was literally stuck to the toilet to call for help. At some point, after like, I don't know... the first year? maybe, wouldn't you call her friends or family and be like "Hi, your daughter hasn't left the bathroom in over 12 months, any suggestions?" The first article mentions that it happened slowly and so progressively that he didn't come to think it was weird. But like, wouldn't at some point, he be out with friends or at work and someone would be like "How's the wife?" And he'd be like "Great, hasn't left the bathroom in a week, but ...oh wait, now that I'm saying this out loud... it's completely fucking bats!"

McFarren told police Babcock had refused to come out of the bathroom for two years. Medical personnel estimated she'd been sitting on the toilet for at least a month and said the seat had adhered to sores on her body.

Nothing serious to add here except: Ewwwwww... sores on your ass?

She is now under the protection of a guardian who was appointed through the legal department at the hospital where she received treatment.

That's good. But what I really want to know is this: When she has to go to the bathroom... is there someone there to make sure she doesn't sit there too long? Do they give her a time limit? Like 15 minutes? Or do they ween her slowly, like "Ok you can spend 2 weeks in the bathroom but that's it." Someone goes home from work and tells a loved one "I was a bathroom monitor today". That person is a medical professional with lots of schooling.

Also Tuesday, McFarren was sentenced to six months in jail for an unrelated charge of lewd and lascivious behavior for exposing himself to a teenage neighbor in March.

That.is.AWESOME. I can't believe that's just a little mention at the bottom of the article! March is when the whole toilet thing happened, which means he either excused himself briefly while his wife was on the toilet (she was always home) or right after they sawed her ass off the toilet (literally) he decided to celebrate by flashing one of his neighbors at the trailer park! Couldn't they have been more specific with regards to the date of the incident? I'm so curious!

As a little post script, something in the first article struck me as odd:

McFarren insisted Babcock hadn't spent the entire two years on the toilet, claiming that until late January she was taking baths and changing her clothes regularly.

Now... I understand the baths, no one wants to stink. But why bother changing your clothes regularly? Who are you trying to impress, the shower? If your boyfriend doesn't care that you live in a bathroom, I can't imagine him caring that you're wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday. Also, it's like, they can't just let the article be hilarious at someone else's expense without trying to bring you down at the end. The first article ended thusly:

Babcock's legs atrophied (suffered muscle wastage) as a result of her sitting on the toilet for so long and it's not known if she will ever walk again.

Well now I almost feel bad about ridiculing her this whole time! Though is does present the question: If she's wheelchair bound... do they just cut a little hole in the seat, or is that like letting her win?

John McCain Hates Nature, Loves James Bond References

In an attempt to connect with a younger audience, John McCain made a pop culture reference that was less than half a century old...barely.

McCain called Obama the "Dr. No" of energy.

AND he made a video for YouTube!

Well, ok...McCain probably wasn't the one to post it...some young republican slapped it together on iMovie and posted it after listening to McCain ramble about how technology is the devil and using the word "fangled" about 1,325,592,867 times.

Oh my, where to begin...

So, the McCain camp thought it'd be a nifty idea to conduct a viral web-based video campaign, one of the newest forms of disseminating information we have available, based on a character from a film made in 1962 based on a book written in 1958???

What's next, a pop-up ad for McCain that looks like this?

John McCain
He's the Gene Tunney of politics

...

Get it?

...

Gene Tunney...

You know, Gene Tunney...like James Joseph "Gene" Tunney, the world boxing champion from 1926 to 1928?

...

"Gentleman" Gene Tunney?

No? Nothing?

You guys suck.

Moving on...Let's do a segment-by-segment analysis of this little gem of a video...

0:00 - 0:05 Alright...we're establishing who the star of the show is. Also, this begins a fantastic pattern of taking stills of Barack in mid-motion becuase it's the only way to make him look scarier than John McCain's least scary picture ever.

0:07 - 0:11 "Offshore drilling would not lower gas prices today." What a liberal, partisan, one-sided, gay loving, tree fucking statement! Why the only group that could agree with such a ridiculous statement is...our current fucking REPUBLICAN Federal Government.

McCain also insisted the technology exists to quickly bring oil produced offshore to market, even as the federal government has estimated it would take years for new offshore oil exploration to yield results.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA McCain using technology as an argument? Was there some advancement in the ropes and pulleys system of which I'm unaware? It's a bad day when even the Bush Administration won't back your bullshit excuse to rape Mother Nature.

0:12 - 0:19 Ok, I really don't have much smart-assery for this comment (other than the fact that a "gas tax holiday" would be as effective in helping anything as an abusive husband laying off his wife for a week), so I'd like to pause and interject two little nuggets in the MSNBC article I hadn't touched upon yet.

McCain's views could be troublesome in California, which has seen its share of catastrophic offshore oil spills. Republican Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a McCain ally, opposes such drilling and in a television interview indicated he would be open one day to serving as the "energy czar" in an Obama administration.

I know he's probably an insufferable asshole in real life, but I love Ah-nold. In fact, I probably love him because he's more than likely an insufferable asshole in real life. And "energy czar?" I hope they give him a big silly hat to go along with the new post. He WILL be energy czar. He'll simply will it to happen. He's going to overthrow this government one day. I'm 100% serious. Mark it down.

Vhere do you tink you-ah goink vit dat enayrgee?!?!? Cahm back heer you AGHAGGAAHGHAGHG!!!

The second thing isn't really that relevant to my posting, I just thought it was funny as shit so I wanted to share it with you. MSNBC always posts "related articles" to the stories they run (which I really appreciate, because it spares me from actually having to look around and "research" stories) and the two items to go along with this story were "Candidates turn focus back to economy" and this.

HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Phew. Ok. That felt good. Now, where were we? Ah yes,

0:20 - 0:25 Um...what? No to innovation? Their claim is that Barack Obama is against...innovation in general? As in, no to anything new or improved or advanced on anything in any field? Does Obama own a BetaMax? Next, Obama says no to the Electric Car? I found that kind of weird, so I decided to look for the articles that spoke of Obama's rejection of an electric car. I started in the mainstream news outlets, then moved on to more biased, right-wing sites, and finally to the extremely racist backwoods hicks that have managed to start a blog...all none of them.

No mention of Obama's distaste for Electric Cars. Then I ran into another blogger who sorta already did story, although I have waaaaay more funny photos and links (I'm not putting a link to their article...'cause fuck 'em, that's why). They explained that Barack is against giving $300 million to the first car company who comes up with a "better" electric car battery, which is John McCain's present "plan."

Oh. Well then, yeah, that definitely equals "No to Electric Cars." Dumbshits. ALSO, here we have another odd mid-motion shot of Obama that makes it look like he's peeping in your bathroom window while you're taking a shower.

0:26 - 0:35 No to "Clean, Safe Nuclear Energy," eh? That's like saying Obama says no to safe, trustworthy, socially acceptable child rapists. ALSO, Obama pops up and starts drifting to the right in a pic that makes it look like he's singing opera at a karaoke bar.

0:36 - 0:41 Bring it home with a very un-catchy rehashing of their slogan and a pic that looks like Obama's yelling at the Mets bullpen for fucking up ANOTHER one.

Now it just so happens that I'm, like, BFF with Barack Obama, so I sat down to briefly discuss his feelings regarding the "Dr. No" campaign.

Berbalerbs: Obama!!!

Obama: Oberbalerbs!!!

/Both men laugh, give each other complex series of daps.

Berbalerbs: So how's things, man? I heard you just went to Europe n'shit.

Obama: Yeah, it was whateva. Yo, you seen Dark Knight?!?!? THAT SHIT WAS DA ILLY!!!!!

/more complex dapping

Berbalerbs: Anyway, I came to ask you about John McCain's new "Dr. No" campaign and you're feelings on such negative advertisements so early in the--

Obama: Ayo, FUCK John McCain, aight?!?

Berbalerbs: Woah, man I was just--

Obama: FUCK his old wrinkled ass! Muh'fucka wanna use James Bond shit aginst ME? Bitch I AM James Bond, muuuh'fucka!

Berbalerbs: Obama--

Obama: I'll shake AND stir that lil bitch! "Dr. No," huh? Well den John McCain's OLDFINGER!

Berbalerbs: Hah! Thas pretty funny man, I--

Obama: Dat bitch CasinOLD Royale!!!

Viagranother Day!!!

Live and Let DINOSAUR!!!

Wrinkleballs!!!

Berbalerbs: I don't get that last one.

Obama: Really? I'm referencing Thunderball, it was one of the earlier films. It was one of Sean Connery's finest performances as Bond. It won a BAFTA for Best British Art Direction (Colour).

Berbalerbs: Oh.

Obama: The Spy Who Loved Me (Was Nice Enough to Mash Up my Dinner into a Fine Paste)

Berbalerbs: Ok, man--

Obama: Octogenarianpussy!!!

License to Keel Over and Die!!!

Berbalerbs: OK, MAN!

Obama: FROM VIETNAM WITH LOVE!!!

/Awkward silence.

Obama: Too far?

Your Father Died in a Terrible Canoe Accident on the North Sea...PSYCHE!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA got you GOOD, fucker!!!

When I was a young lad at the tender age of 8, all I wanted for my birthday was the Super Soaker SS300 with hand pump (obvi) triple fucking barrel firing chamber action and a pump volume of 80 mL (that's 2.67 fl.oz. for all you asshole idiots out there who can't do the calculation in your head), not to mention a shot time of 4 seconds with a 190 fucking ML per fucking second fucking output (fucking)!!! One pull of the trigger and that prick across the street's new nickname is Matt "Disfigured Cyclops" O'Malley.

I woke up that morning, and was greeted with what I still refer to as the biggest disappointment of my life. I unwrapped my gift (well, gifts, my parents got me like 30 of them) and it was the Super Soaker SS200. Two measley barrels. 15 ML pump volume. Max output (MAX, people) of 46ML per second. That's basically a replication of what it feels like when a toddler pees on your face (DON'T ask).

My present might as well have been multiple kicks in the skull with a steel toed boot or a Cleavland Steamer from a sumo wrestler the morning after an all-night sake binge.

It's then that I realized: I have the worst, most unloving, uncaring ghastly horrible parents in the entire history of human reproduction and that their callous act would NEVER be trumped ever by anyone even if I lived to see the ripe old age of 25.

I may have spoken too soon...

For those too lazy to click on the link and read a bit of the article I'm going to make smart-ass comments about, lemme sum it up for you: a couple in "Great" Britain thought it'd be a fun idea for the husband to fake his own death in order to collect life insurance, and they didn't tell their two sons about the fact that their father was still alive...FOR SIX FUCKING YEARS.

The couple staged John Darwin's death in an apparent canoe accident in 2002 to collect pension and insurance payments, prosecutors said...the couple kept the fact that he was alive secret from their two adult sons while they planned to start a new life together in Panama.

Yeah, I just SAID that, asshole.

One of my favorite parts of this whole story is that John Darwin is constantly referred to as a "canoeist." Like that's a profession. I checked dictionary.com to see if this is even a real word, and they claim it is, however the definition reads like this:

"Canoeist"

Ca*noe"ist\, n. A canoeman.

Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.

I don't think it's fair to use one made up word to define another. What's the definition of "canoeman?" A "canoethusiast?"

So, from what I gather, John Darwin is kinda like Will Smith's character in that movie The Pursuit of Happyness, but instead of engineering hair-brained schemes to better the life of his family, John prefers illegal, heartless ploys to get rich at the expense of anyone and everyone around him. Even his family. Shit, ESPECIALLY his family.

Anne Darwin, who worked as a doctor's receptionist, told the court that her husband made her pick him up at the seafront and drop him at a train station with instructions to go home and open a box where he had left instructions on how to claim the insurance and pension money.

This is fantastic. Not only is he about to shatter his family irreparably, but he chooses to do so in "scavenger hunt" form. Forreals, this is how my parents used to give me my Easter basket. "Ooooh, there's a message on your pillow! What, it says go look behind the couch? Why, I wonder what could be there!"

Well, 5 years pass, and for whatever reason (perhaps he was toking an extra strong strain of Panamanian Bud) John Darwin gets paranoid that someone is going to find out about his devilish ruse...

"Gee," he thought (assumedly), "I wonder how Machiavelli came back from faking his death and got to keep his pension." (Tokes joint) "Ah fuck it, I'll just claim amnesia. That always works!"

The extremely unusual plot started to unravel on Dec. 1, 2007, when John Darwin, 57, walked into a London police station claiming that he was suffering from amnesia and could not remember anything that had happened since 2000.

This is like when you broke a lamp when you were a kid, and to get away with it you would go right up to your mom and for no reason be like, "I wasn't here all afternoon, so if anything happened I don't know about it." You can't wander into a police station after being gone for 5 years and just be like, "hey I have amnesia so I don't know what's been going on for the past 5 years...do you have any missing persons reports, possibly someone reported dead without a body found? By the way, I feel like it's entirely possible that my last name is Darwin and I'm a canoethusiast. But I'm not sure, 'cause, like I said, I have amnesia."

Then this showed up:

Yup. That's a picture of John and Anne Darwin...and some Panamanian. Yup, that's a date you see in the lower right hand corner. Yup, theoretically, John Darwin should look more like a rotting corpse.

Dude's pretty fucking stupid right? Well, what if I told you he was the brains of the operation?

After the amnesia act fell through (mostly due to the fact that he kept cracking jokes that "Meet Dave" made "Norbit" look Oscar-worthy), John Darwin pleaded "asshole" to the charges of fake-dying.

And Anne Darwin, after spending half a decade living a lie and mindfucking the shit out of her sons, quickly followed suit and owned up to her actions.

Ahem...Anne Darwin, after spending half a decade living a lie and mindfucking the shit out of her sons, quickly followed suit and owned up to her actions.

Oh come ON!!!

"Terrible Soulless Demon-Whore," the nifty little monicker I've assigned to Mrs. Darwin, entered a claim of "Marital Coercion."

As in, the judge asked "how do you plea, guilty or not guilty?" to which she replied "marital coercion," to which (assumedly) the judge replied "you fuckin' serious?"

"I felt trapped," she said Friday after describing her husband — who has pleaded guilty to fraud and other charges — as a domineering, philandering and manipulative man who was determined to get what he wanted.

A little bit over-the-top on the description there, sweety. I swear on my life, these two gobshites really think they're in a movie. They fake the husband's death, escape to a tropical island, and then when things get hairy (which, and trust me I've searched, isn't explained ANYWHERE) the husband comes back and tries to shuffle in the door with amnesia to make everything better? And now that the wife's in court she's trying to play him off as Lex Luthor?

Delving deeper into her PAINFUL stupidity, let's rewind back for a second...after John "maritally coerced" Anne to drive him to the train station and he left for Panama, what exactly were his methods of coercion once he was across the fucking Atlantic fucking Ocean completely fucking unable to show himself in public or even ever fucking leave Panama fucking EVER AGAIN?!? (...fucking.)

Asked by prosecutors why she picked him up that day and embarked on a life of crime,

I ALREADY ASKED THE QUESTION JIZZBALLS GET TO THE GOOD PART!

she said she was afraid he would leave her if she didn't do what she was told.

...sorry, what?

You were afraid that if you didn't...help...your husband...fake his own death and...leave you...forever that...that he...would...................................leave you?

"If I didn't pick him up I didn't know what would happen," she said. "I was frightened he might walk out on me as I couldn't live on my own."
She also told the court Friday that she did not know it was a crime to falsely report a person's death and then make a life insurance claim.

Wow. I just yelled out loud at work. Like, really loudly. That's how brain-hemorrhagingly stupid this bitch is. I hope nobody heard that. I swear to God, Anne Darwin, if you are the reason I lose this cushy job, I'll find you and punch you in the face until you die from it.

Now back to my "expert analysis" of this vacuous hole of a human being...

"If I didn't pick him up I didn't know what would happen," she said. "I was frightened he might walk out on me as I couldn't live on my own."

TRANSLATION: I could either tell my sons their father was dead and then continue lying to them for six years OR I could get a job. I did what any mother would do.

She also told the court Friday that she did not know it was a crime to falsely report a person's death and then make a life insurance claim.

TRANSLATION: Derp Derp Derp Daaaaaaaaaahhhh a;dlkjjio;ikeo;o;asdijkl;znsda;nkl ::drools on self:: Derp Derp ::poops pants:: Derp.

You didn't know it was a crime to...you didn't...you...didn't know...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Fuckin' Brits, man.

Random Youtube Awesomeness: Total Recall in Your Eyes

See also, Kuato singing Chocolate Rain.

h/t killian

Expert Analysis on Drunken Mishaps

A neighbor says he was intoxicated...who ya gunna believe?

A recent G-Chat Convo edited soley for spelling - can't be looking like an idiot. Also I edited it to make it seem like berbalerbs is in love with me. Anyway, so this 56 year old guy from Milwaukee shot his lawnmower because it wouldn't start. Surprisingly, this did not help the lawn mower start. Must've been an American made mower - these colors do not crack under the threat of torture. But so here's our expert take on things:

Pem: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25854715/

B: hahahahaha Live Vote: Was he justified? And 6 years? For fucking realz? So a kardashian can get a DUI and spend 85 minutes in jail, and this dude shoots HIS OWN LAWNMOWER and might get better than half a decade?

Pem: yup. but seriously... Who fucking shoots a lawnmower?

B: a drunk ass milwaukee yahoo...I've punched inanimate things that've stubbed my toe before... when i was 12

Pem: Yea. i mean, we've all punched walls and shaken women, but shooting a lawnmower is a little different, I mean... dude had to be pissed off enough to go somewhere to get the gun, then bring it back and shoot it. theres a bit of premeditation involved that is just completely unacceptable

B: Look at his picture; he probably has a gun positioned so that wherever he is on his property he is within 10 feet of a firearm

Pem: Very possible.

B: fer when the commies start a'comin

Pem: fer the darkies and the chinks whats comin at mah lawn

B: or if he should ever see an individual of color
...damn! you beat me.

Pem: Hicks are racist and drunk and stupid... and ripe for parody!!!

B: I am so in love with you.

Octopus Sex Watcher Avoids Jail Time Because He's Self Conscious About His Teeth

For real.

A TASMANIAN man caught downloading images of sexual acts with an octopus has avoided a jail term.

The real question that needs asking here is: who's the person in the image, having sex with an octopus? Because obviously two octopi going at it is like, Nat Geo shit. That's not illegal. So this is obviously a picture of some person, having some kind of sex with a fucking octopus. Why isn't anyone going after the person in the picture!?

Rodney Scott McLagan, 48, of South Arm in Hobart was caught with 31,000 images and video files involving sexual acts with children, dogs, ponies, snakes, tigers and an octopus.

I... well, ok. That's bad. I wonder why they decided to use the octopus in the headline of the story(their story - I used it in my headline because they did, I'm a copy kitty!). Is an octopus somehow weirder or worse than a snake or a tiger? and couldn't they have maybe played up the pedophile angle instead of the bestiality angle? A guy likes to watch dogs go at it? Who cares? Oh... he also likes to watch young children go at it... Don't know why you mentioned that so nonchalantly right before dogs and ponies.

Justice David Porter said McLagan had a personality disorder that caused him to avoid interpersonal contact and gave him a pre-occupation with being criticised or rejected,

The Mercury reported today.

I think just about everyone faces fear of rejection at some point, and yet somehow most of us don't watch child pornography or animal pornography... But I'm sure there's more solid reasoning behind the no jail time thing...

"Without the opportunity for normal sexual relationships fantasy is often indulged," the judge said yesterday.

Like priests! So that's why they get away with it!

"It also emerges from the report that you are particularly self-conscious about your teeth." He said McLagan's self-esteem was so low he equated himself with a beast.

There's something sweet
And almost kind
But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined
And now he's dear
And so unsure
I wonder why I didn't see it there before

The judge said McLagan had little, if any, interest in child pornography and that it was accessed while he was trawling for bestiality images. He said there was no suggestion that McLagan paid for, sold or distributed any of the material. He sentenced McLagan to four months in jail, wholly suspended, and fined him $1500.

"Oh, this picture of two little boys blowing each other? That came up when I was looking for Koala porn. I only saved it to make myself look more normal in case anyone ever raided the hard drive"

He was also put on the sex offenders register for four years.

Phew.

h/t to bohm

Heart of Douche-ness

"The horror! The horror!"

Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

Recently, I decided to kick my journalistic endeavors up a proverbial "notch" and embark on an undercover mission into the core of the Young Republican Movement in our nation's capital. Now if you're anything like me (read: awesome), this is the image that pops up in your mind when you hear the phrase "young republican."

Buck Bush, the most potent strain of Bush to date. (Expected presidency: 2024-2032)

But apparently, there are young republicans out there who claim to never have tipped a single cow in their lives. These were the individuals I was attempting to blend in with, the sect of our society in which I was to infiltrate.

First, I had to look the part. There was no way a totally gangster person like me, who's not even a little pathetic for thinking that he's black, to blend in with a bunch of stiff whities. I had to brush up on white people TV (yo, did you know Friends got cancelled? Oh, and they changed the name of ER to Grey's Anatomy for some reason. Still pretty gay), I had to go back to calling Diddy "Puff Daddy," and I had to go from this:

to this: It was grueling, but after taking a wine tasting class, studying their culture, and developing an irrational fear and hatred for various marginalized groups of Americans, I was ready. Time to go into the belly of the beast. There I was, standing in front of the Top of the Hill bar, wearing a navy blue blazer, khakis, a white button down and a red tie. The douchebag who sold this tie to me claimed that it held some sort of "power." I said a silent prayer to Al Gore that this "power" tie would be enough to keep me safe throughout the night. Deep breaths, Berbalerbs. I've read they can smell fear.

I entered.

The place was a veritable Who's Who of young, politically active Republicans. All 7 of them in one place. MSNBC (who I'm totally not stealing all of the info I'm about to use to make it seem like I actually went to this thing) described them thusly:

Here were the executive director of the Young Republicans, and the 20-something who helped steer Fred Thompson's Internet operation, and the young woman who put Mitt Romney's Web site on the map, and the 24-year-old staffer for Newt Gingrich's American Solutions for Winning the Future, who had brought them all together to cry in their free Blue Moon beer.

Basically, all the people who for some reason thought it prudent to help some terrible, old, greedy white guys setup their MySpace pages. I grabbed one of their "wheat beers" from the bar, and made my way over to introduce myself.

Moment of truth.

"Hey guys, did you check out the Fox News website today? It's awesome how, like, relevant and dignified they are."

Silence. SHIT. They didn't buy it, they--

"Heck yeah, man!"

"Totally!"

Phew. That was close. I was in.

I stood listening to them talk and pounding beers until one of them informed me that the open bar was all night, not just for the first hour (touché, Republican open bar) and you know what? I learned something that may have changed my perspective forever:

Young Republicans are pretty cool...in that they basically know they suck.

One self-loathing dude in particular, David All, recalls when his 2008 Republican Presidential Debate cherry was popped, and describes the awkward, bloody mess as such:

...it was a veritable Reagan love-fest, with each contender claiming to be more like the conservative icon than his opponents. They sounded like old fogies and intoned the icon's name at least a dozen times. For me, I don't even know what that means.

"Maybe they're arguing about who can best subdue and undermine the Black urban community!" I said, and offered my hand up for a high five. "Huh? 'Cause...he did the whole...uh, y'know...'cause, crack in the 80's..."

Awkwarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd.

David continued:

You don't hear Barack Obama going around saying, 'I'm John F. Kennedy.' He's saying, 'I'm Barack Obama.'

Um...pwned? I thought maybe this was a devious Republican reverse-psychology mind trick, or that he was doing some sort of political Punch and Judy show, and just forgot his "liberal guy" puppet at home.

"So you guys don't think John McCain is hip and cool?"

"I think the Republican Party is staring down a very long, dark, quiet night," All said.

Holy shit. I hope this guy isn't a Cubs fan too, 'cause he's a heartbreak away from trying to stop tomorrow morning's MetroRail with his forehead.

"It's always darkest before the dawn," says Mindy Finn, 27, who ran [Shitt] Romney's site.

"Shut up, bitch!" exclaimed the entire room, in terrifyingly accurate unison.

"Gosh, man," I said. "What're they--WE, what're WE going to do about the fact that more than likely the Democrats are going to hammer us from behind and then right before they climax stick it in our butts and punch us in the back of the head?"

Austin Walne, a recent grad from the University of Tenessee (ugh, gag me with a spiked dildo), tried to look at the positive (read: non-existent) side of things:

"Congress's approval rates are [approaching] 19 percent, so nobody's thrilled," he says. "People that didn't grow up under Jimmy Carter don't remember the stagflation of the '70s or the Iran standoff. Our job is to educate them on the failed policies of the past."

Yeah. That sounds like a really great idea. Let's try and tag the OTHER guys with failed policies of the past.

The evening went on and, in all honesty, it wasn't a bad time. They were all smart, fairly funny kids with a dream for a better America, a truly united future, a blah blah blah, I'm guestimating what they actually said because I didn't slow down on the free Blue Moon's that much.

Mindy (the only female at the event) excused herself to "powder her nose," (really, that's how the fuck she put it) and in the interest of avoiding a conservative sausage party I thought it was a good time to go. I had survived the night, and what's more, I had learned something about young republicans, and about myself too.

They suck.

I don't.

We're totally different in the sense that I believe in rational things that don't suck and they tend toward the opposite. As I left, David grabbed my arm and said, "hold up, man. I just slipped Mindy a roofie. We're going to run a train on her right after we finish these beers."

Maybe we aren't so different after all...

How I Survived The Love Guru

Yes, that's correct. I watched The Love Guru. In its entirety. Though "watched" might be too strong a word. "Endured" might be a better fit, here.

Now, before you go thinking I'm an idiot who would spend money on this sort of crap... Well, I might be an idiot, but I would not spend money on this crap. Anyway, I watched it (while at work - it was a slow day) on a little something I like to call: The Greatest Thing in The History of Anything EVER.

Now, the most amazing thing about this movie is that it's real. This was actually written and someone said it would be a good idea to make this thing happen. And then they went and actually made it. It is literally mind-boggling that this movie exists. The "plot" of the movie is as follows: Mike Myers is a love guru who needs to get a hockey player back together with his wife so they can win the Stanley cup. And there is no development of any sort. If you can recall the series of gags in Austin Powers where the people see things that are phallic shaped and then it cuts to other people saying something like "Johnson!" or whatever, then you've already seen this movie. It's seriously 90 minutes of jokes about balls and midgets. And while that might sounds awesome in theory, this is so poorly executed that I did not laugh one time. Ok, I did laugh once. But begrudgingly.

I almost stopped watching this movie several times, but knew I had to power through it. There are 3 musical numbers in the movie. 3. You read that correctly. The thing is that the musical numbers are not funny. I'm not even sure they were supposed to be. The movie opens with Myers playing 9 to 5 on the sitar. And they do the whole song. Like a solid 3 minutes while not much else goes on in the background. Like, I get that it was supposed to be a parody of Bollywood movies, but... the musical numbers weren't really parodying anything so much as sucking...hard.

You almost owe it to yourself to see this movie. Just to see how long you can last. If you make it the whole way through, you win a prize!

Unfortunately the prize is a 20 point drop in IQ.

Are you up for the challenge?

And now just for fun, some reviewer highlights:

"I daresay that even a splinter in the eyeball would be less painful than sitting through this debacle. "

"So sari, Mike Myers. Your spoof of "Bollywood" stinks. " [Ed. note: If you're going to make fun of a movie for not being funny, using a terrible and unfunny pun is not the best way to do it]

"just isn't funny by any stretch of the imagination, relying instead upon a mindless barrage of crotch humor, bodily fluid gags and midget jokes that won't amuse anyone other than the most juvenile of audiences. "

"As the celebrity love guru of Los Angeles, Mike Meyers delivers jokes so poorly that they just clang to the floor like metal weights. "

Now If you'll excuse me I'm off for my next endurance challenge - not sure what it will be yet. Maybe The Happening? Maybe Get Smart? The possibilities are endless!! Ooooooh the life I lead!

Was Anyone Else Insanely Confused...

...by seeing the triumphant return of Bubb Rubb?

You may remember him as a strong advocate of Whistler Tips, as demonstrated below:



Well, last night my mind was completely one hundred percent blown on its ass. Watching the All Star Game, during a commercial break, a commercial for EA's NCAA Football 2009 comes on. Who do I see on the commercial? Bubb Rubb. The one and only. It was one of the weirder things I've seen in a long time, and I was fairly certain that I was tripping. But no, it really happened, and here's the proof. The really, really strange proof.

Worst Protest Ever

Thought experiment time!

So let's say I live in one of about 70 apartments slated to be bulldozed to make way for new flats and houses. Let's say I'm the last person there. Everyone else has left peacefully, but I'm flat out fucking furious about the whole situation... When handed an eviction notice, which do you think is my best means for protesting this eviction I feel is unfair?

A) Write to Parliament (the "I" in this thought experiment is British) or whatever their local government is.

B) Refuse to leave house. Put boots on wheels of wheelchair (the "I" in this thought experiment is also disabled) and squat.

C) Hire someone to use dirty tricks to prevent the developers from being able to demolish the units. Sort of a reverse Dirty Work.

D) Cut off own head with chainsaw.

If you picked D, congratulations! You're fucking crazy! Or you're David Phyall, in which case, you're already dead.

I Owe This Victory to My Sweet Lord, eh?

Hi everyone. I'm sure most of you are wondering why I called this press conference. I just wanted to let you all know that when Rick Reilly said "It's a lousy night to be an atheist", he could not have been more right on. Now I know a lot you were rooting for Josh Hamilton to win the derby. Most of you after jumping on his bandwagon after his monstrous first round showing. I can understand this. He shares a lot of the same values with you folks. His Christian Lord Jesus Christ took some time out of his busy schedule -usually spent resolving Middle East crisis's and making sure we don't destroy the Earth - to help make some little round balls go farther than everyone elses. Air tight theory. His faith is pretty well documented.

My faith however, has never really been discussed... Heck, there aint even nothin bout it on my wikipedia page. Maybe if I had had the help of some flashy God I would have hit an historic amount of dingers in a round. But no, My sweet Lord just did exactly what needed to be done to win. And that's the point, eh?

But my down home country demeanor, coupled with my faith in my sweet saviour has taught me to be gracious in my defeat. Shoot, I didn't even mind so much when that sweet piece of tail Erin Andrews interviewed Josh immediately following the derby rather than me. I didn't mind so much when the people handing me that over sized check called me "Jason."

For I know, thanks to my sweet lord Satan, that before their time is through, I shall feast on their flesh and devour their souls.

Surprised I'm a Satanist? Don't be. We're gaining popularity all over the world, you self righteous fucks! YOU WILL PERISH IN FLAMES!!!! We even have our own television network, the Hail Satan Network. See for yourself:



You see? We're not so bad. So I'd just like to say: Thank you Satan. Thank you for letting me beat that righteous fuck. Thank you for not letting beard-y God and Jesus win the day. I cannot wait until my lord down below uses his powers to make his story into a Disney feature film.

Russians are Drunk, Like Cartoon Violence

A Russian woman hit the button to fold up her bed/couch, as way to try and get her drunk husband up. Instead of getting him up, however, it killed him.

St. Petersburg's Channel Five said the man's wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall.

Reading this should probably not have made me laugh as hard as it did. I am reminded for some reason of The Simpsons couch gag where the couch eats the family. Also, I would love to know what the argument was about (refraining from easy "Een Russia" jokes).

The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying.

The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband.

Here's where I get a tad confused... So, she hits the button, sees the bed fold into the wall... and assumes he's sleeping...in the wall for three hours?

Police refused to comment.

The St. Petersburg Emergency Services Ministry said a private rescue service removed the man's body.

Video on the television channel's Web site showed emergency workers sawing away the side panels of a couch to remove a man in his underwear lying headfirst between the cushions.

This also probably should not have made me laugh as hard as it did, but here we are. I mean, I guess it would be way funnier if he hadn't died or whatever, but still, I would like to watch this video.

Emergency workers said the man died instantly.

How? Was he like, crushed or something? And if that were the case, wouldn't the wife have heard like, crunching or something? And I mean, I guess it's better that he died instantly rather than being trapped in a wall while he bled to death or something. I think what this tells me more than anything is that I should stop going to msnbc.com for my news, since they leave out all the juicy bits, like details on anger fueled castration. Or maybe I should just google this stuff before I start writing. No, it's definitely msnbc's fault.

When I Fwow da Ball, You not apposeda hit it!

I'm Gwumpy! I's was up past my bedtimes wast night and you dinint even read a stowy wid me! And befow dat the Mets dinint pway nice wit me!

Fiwst I putted 2 guys on da bases acuz mommy said to pway nice so I was just shaywin. Den Moley man hitted da bawl too hard. Him's not nice. I mad at hims. Waiter in da game paydwo cewano hitted the ball too! Hims not my fwend.

I can haz baseballs back now? I sowwy mista Bochy. I dinnint mean to wose da game. My awm fewt ok an everything. I just counint get a withim going. I dinint have any juice in my awm. OOOh! I can has some juice? Pweese? I wikes juice.

Coach says I gunna bwossom into beautful butterfwy. I wanna fwow the bawl some mower. You wanna pway? Tomowwow? Okay. It's night night time.

Tomowwow mownin I'm gowin to watch Cinderella then pway bawl!!

Night night.

Mammals That Are Better Than Me At Painting Expands Beyond "Humans"

h/t to bohm for the link.

Ian Malcolm Thinks Pemulis Will Never Learn, But Has Bigger Fish to Fry

Well, uhh... last time I was here, I uhh... warned you Pemulis. I explained Chaos Theory and the Butterfly effect, and still. Up 8 - 0 in the uhh.... fourth inning and you consider texting mister berbalerbs something along the lines of "not jinxing anything, just wanted to say booyow!". Now you said you're not making the same mistakes again. I say, uhhh.. no. You're making all new ones. But it goes deeper this time.

Now, as you may know. I uhh... I tried to help last night well before the 9th inning I snuck into the Mets bullpen with the intention of uhh... removing Billy Wagner and when confronted by a security guard I uhh... I told him "I'm taking the kid. If you really want to stop us, shoot us. " Unfortunately, he missed Billy and only hit me.

Look, Omar and I uhhh... we go way back. We set about together trying to rebuild this Mets team and I told him to be careful about it, not to be too much of a hunter. This isn't hunting, Ian, it's searching. They're looking for World Series Ring. He said earnestly, and I replied Let's not disappoint them. But I knew something was amiss. Even when they thought about signing Billy after the '05 season, I told O "Taking dinosaurs off that island is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas. And I'm gonna be there when you learn that. " He, being the asshole that he is, not so kindly pointed out that Philadelphia is not, in fact, and island. Sure he was a little flashy with his 99MPH fast ball when he got here... Oh, yeah. Oooh, ahhh, that's how it always starts. Then later there's running and screaming and the huge saves being blown.

Full Disclosure: Omar and I uhhh.. well let's just say there was a time period when we were more than just friends. I said Hang on, this is gonna be bad. And I uhh... told Omar that if he keeps bringing these old ass veterans in it will come back to bite him in the ass. It will eventually lead to the teams downfall and the New York press and fans would eat him alive. That was the straw that, uhhh... that broke that beautiful hispanic camel's back. I love you. I just don't... need you right now. Omar said. I was more than a tad upset. I'll tell you what you NEED, a good anti-psychotic! So he left. I'll be back in five or six days. He uhh.. he told me a straight face. So I signed off with, No, you'll be back in five or six PIECES! We haven't uhh... well let's just say we're no longer on each others Christmas card lists.

Look, I guess what, uhhh... I guess what I'm trying to say Pem, is that maybe your text message and chaos theory has less to do with the uhh.. with the Mets woes than poor planning and even poorer execution. Is there an antidote? I don't know. But Pem, I'm always on the lookout for a future Ex-Mrs. Malcolm, if you catch my drift.

Pedro and the 'Pen: Showdown 2008

The 2008 Mets are almost like a homecoming for long-time fans of the team. I mean that in the sense that they are so damned frustrating, they can piss you off while still winning the game. There is no better example of this than last night's game, where the Mets put a boob-punching on Phillies starter Adam Eaton, giving Pedro Martinez a loverly 10-2 lead upon his exit during the 6th inning.

Then, the mutiny began.

Tony Armas Jr., Aaron "remember when I used to be good?" Heilman, and Billy "remember when I used to be God?" Wagner combined for 3 2/3 innings and gave up 7 GOD DAMNED RUNS. Yes, that's correct, the final score was Mets 10, Phillies 9. Homeruns by Utley, Howard, Burrell and a pinch-hit homerun by the Philly Phanatic led the team within inches of officially castrating the Mets for the remainder of the season.

After the first decent start from Pedro Martinez since saying "Moises Who?" on Mets blogs was still funny, the bullpen...I'd say "collapsed," but that doesn't truly epitomize what transpired last night. It seems...well, I hate to say it but it seems like the bullpen was purposefully sabotaging Pedro's performance. After the game, members of the pitching staff held a press conference to answer questions regarding the troubling performance:

Pedro: Ahem, I woul like to thanks ju all for coming. This is a berry big win for the team and I woul like to thanks David and ebryone for contributing offensifly. I ang happy with my progress and hope to continue to help the team win games. I woul also like to thanks my bullpen for...joining me heer in de press conferess. I woul now like to open de floor for questions.

Berbalerbs: Hi, Pedro. First, congrats on the win. Must've been a real nail biter, huh?

Pedro: Jes.

Berbalerbs: I just wanted to get your opinion on the bullpen's performance...do you chalk it up to the hitter-friendly ballpark, the fighting spirit of the Phillies, or just an unlucky night for the pen?

Pedro: No. Dey were trying to loos.

Berbalerbs: Hahaha, Pedro it's great to see that you can keep your trademark sense of humor even in tense situations like this!

Pedro: I no keeding. Dose fuckers try to loos de game for me.

Berbalerbs: Tony Armas Jr., would you like to respond to thees, ehem, sorry, this accusation?

Tony: He preedy much right. We try to loos game an screw heem.

Berbalerbs: But...but...against the Phillies? With a chance to win a four game series? To put you over .500 for the first time in over a month? And to get within 2.5 games of 1st place?!? Let me then pose my next question: What the fuck you fucking fuckers? Aaron, care to respond?

Aaron: Um...actually, no one told me we were trying to throw the game. I just...y'know...suck as of late.

Pedro: Don' lie, whitebread!

Aaron: Don't call me whitebread....uh, BROWNbread!

Tony: Dude...

Aaron: Sorry...

Pedro: Dees guy a racist! He got a sign abof hees locker says:
SIG HEILman

Scotty Big Show: Dude...

Pedro: Sorry...

Berbalerbs: Billy Wagner, what is your take on the apparent termoil that seems to have--

Billy: FUUUUUCK YOUUUUUU PAY-DROOOOOO!!!!

Berbalerbs: Oh Christ.

Billy: That's right. Fuck you, you rolly polly sum'bitch!!!

Pedro: Shuddup ju honkey raydneck!!! I make ju my bitch!

Billy: I'll show you who yer DADDY IS!!!

Pedro: I'll give you the Don Zimmerman treatment like

BOOM!!!

HIIII-YAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Joe: GUYS!!! What in the heckfire?!? C'mon fellas, we won the game, didn't we?!? What's all the cotton-pickin' fussin n' fightin fer?

Pedro: Dees jagasses were trying to loos de game!

Billy: You deserved it fer what ya dun!

Pedro: Chingate, CABRON!

Billy: Quick, Tony, how do ya say "fuck you, asshole" in Ay-Span-Yoll?

Tony: Chingate, cabron.

Billy: OK, Chinger-- HEY!!!

Berbalerbs: GENTLEMEN PLEASE!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Stunned silence.

Billy: Well, look who's balls finally dropped.

Berbalerbs: What in the shit is going on here?!? What possible reason could you guys have for WANTING to loose another game? What could Pedro POSSIBLY have done for you guys to go this far?!?

Billy: Well, Pedro?

Tony: Show heem.

Pedro: Okay. Comb with me. I got sonethin to show ju.

Pedro led me to one of the coaches offices across the locker room.

Pedro: Jayry got a daid body in dere.

Berbalerbs: Bullshit.

Pedro: No, forreals.

Berbalerbs: How the hell would Jerry Manuel sneak a dead body into the clubhouse? I mean, really.

Pedro: I no lying. Check it out.

...

...

... Pedro: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJAJAAJAJAJAJAAJAJAJAJAAJAJAJAJAJAJAAJA

Berbalerbs: Asshole.

Joe: HAH! pwned.