You did it big guy!!!

You may remember way back when - March, specifically, when I wrote a telling piece on a gentleman trying only to woo his lady. The only thing standing in his was 800 lbs of fat. And the laws of physics. Those weren't helping either. I remember thinking who would want to date someone like that? But we can all celebrate today, for Uribe made it out! He went to the beach! Well, he was forklifted to the beach on his special bed, but still.

Manuel Uribe traveled to the shore of a lake in northern Mexico without ever leaving his specially designed bed. A forklift hoisted the bed onto the truck, which then hauled him to the lake, where he snacked on fish and vegetables and joked with a local boat operator.

"Snacked"? Is a 700 lb man being carted to a beach just so he can leave his house for the first time in over a year really in the position to be "snacking"? At least amid the 550lbs he's dropped, he hasn't lost his sense of humour. I wonder if they'll tell us his little joke...

Looking at the boatman's small craft, Uribe joked, "Too bad I can't get on it — it would sink."

Hahahahahahahahaahahadespite losing a quarter ton I'm still fat enough to sink a ship. I wonder if he was actually joking or if the guy invited him on and he was just being honest. I mean, he can't really "get on" anything. The guy can't leave his bed. Or walk.

Once considered the world's fattest man when his weight hit over half a ton, more than two years of steady dieting had helped Uribe drop to about 700 pounds as of June — 550 pounds less than his former Guinness record weight of 1,235 pounds. He did not say what his current weight is.

He now holds the Guinness record of "Most Skin." Also, how bad is this guy dying for someone else to get fatter than 1,235 pounds so that he can stop being referred to in that way? I wonder why he didn't say what his current weight is. Did he gain a few pounds back?! Scandalous!! Or maybe it's just that when you weigh roughly 700 lbs, you no longer need to be that specific.

While somewhat bothered by the summer heat, Uribe appeared to enjoy Sunday's outing. He is still unable to walk, and his last planned outing in March was aborted after the platform carrying his bed got stuck under an overpass.

I already told them about the overpass! And I can't believe they didn't have a little canopy over his forklift-bed so the sun wouldn't hurt him! Who are these assholes taking him to the beach?

His last successful trip outside his home was in March 2007, when six people pushed Uribe's wheel-equipped iron bed out to the street as a mariachi band played and a crowd gathered to greet him.

Kind of backhanded, when you think about it. Ooooh you finally made it outside! Good for you! Oh, you were wheeled out? And it took six people? That's ok, you're still a winner! Let us serenade you! Seriously:


for every pound Uribe loses, the guy on the left eats a donut

Before that, he hadn't left his home in five years.

My question is - where did he get his food? And his money? If he orders like a hundred cakes, don't you have a legal obligation to not give it to him? And at what point do you decide: Hey, I should call a doctor, because I think I'm going to stop leaving the bed, it's too much work. They should make a documentary about him so I could swear to myself I'd watch it then lose interest after 10 seconds or have to change the channel because I'm shallow and easily repulsed.

OK. Holy.Shit. So writing that last sentence made me think: There probably is a documentary about this guy. So I went to wikipedia (natch) to find out. I didn't see anything about a documentary (I didn't look very hard either but still), but I did see his pre-diet ...well, diet:

Breakfast
20 eggs, beans, 9 tortillas stuffed with cheese and meat, two bowls of taco salad.
Lunch
Half a chicken, 4 meat and cheese tortillas, salad, fizzy drinks, pasta, bread.
Dinner
3-4 eggs with hamburger, beans, 3-4 cheese and meat tortillas, bread, or pasta, fizzy drinks, coffee, milk, 3 quarts ice cream, pineapple.

How is that even fucking possible?!!?!?!?! Turns out now he's on the zone diet(warning - there is video of him on that site and it cannot be unwatched). Now if you'll excuse me: it's my lunchtime and I've still got several meat and cheese tortillas to eat.

Guilty...

...of being too fat.

-A Long Island music shop owner accused of selling knockoff Gibson Les Paul guitars has been arraigned in a pickup truck in a courthouse parking lot after his lawyer said the 500-pound defendant couldn't walk into the courthouse.
-State Supreme Court Justice Robert Doyle said the man's "severe weight problem" prompted the unusual proceeding Thursday in Riverhead.
-A defense lawyer also had given the court a doctor's letter saying the defendant suffers from osteoarthritis.
-The shopkeeper has been released without bail after pleading not guilty to trademark counterfeiting and criminal simulation. He says the case and health problems have forced him to close his store.
-He's accused of selling bogus Gibsons for $1,500 to buyers who thought they were far more valuable genuine versions of the classic electric guitar.

Now in case you are wondering what osteoarthritis is, here's a link. It's essentially arthritis brought on by being too fat. I have no idea why that sentence was included in the article. It's like "They had to hold court in the parking lot because the guy is so fat. His lawyer also had a doctor's note stating that he had health problems due to being so fat." I don't really get the point of mentioning that. You'd think it would be pretty safe to assume the guy is going to have issues stemming from his weight problem if he is too fat to enter the fucking courthouse. I also love that "the case" and health problems have caused him to close the store. I understand though, when I get stressed out by my trademark counterfeiting crimes, I make myself feel better with ice cream and pizza. Then I have someone fork-lift me onto my truck and head out for a hot date, instead of opening up my music store.

Anyway, I wonder what it looked like, and if people came by and heckled. Or if the judge hit something with his gavel - like a car or if he stayed in robe. Did they have little podium and everything or did they just like, stand around in the parking lot? I also imagine the scene with the music shop owner laying supine, mouth agape complaining about his osteoarthritis and having to wash himself with a rag on a stick.

But So Who's the Lucky Lady, Slim

When I'm preparing for a hot date, often the things I think to myself are "Is the forklift ready to get me out of the house?" and "Did I remember to rent a flatbed truck to get me and my bed to my date?" It seems I'm not alone in forgetting to think "Is my iron bed too tall to fit under that overpass?"

"But even the open road wasn't big enough to handle Uribe's dream of celebrating a budding romance and his success in losing about 440 pounds."

Now, if you're like me, right now you are wondering how a 1200 pound man confined to a special made bed can even plant the romantic seeds that could lead to any kind of buds. But also if you're like me, you're missing most of your teeth and pee in a jar, so who are you to judge.

The good news is that Manuel has lost 400 pounds. The bad news is that if he were too look down ever so slightly, he'd see about 800 pounds and probably never even notice those 400 that went missing.

Also, if a mariachi band ever played celebratory music just for me being forklifted out of my own house, I'd know it was time to end it all... or maybe, just maybe...it was actually time to meet a hot babe for drinks and din-din and possibly some lovin? (After the logistics of not killing your partner were properly hashed out, of course)

The guy seems nice and has been trying to get help and slim down for years now, so I won't say anything mean or make any jokes about the accident. [this was the first sentence I wrote. funny how fast things change]


Manuel Uribe's site