Dr. Pemulis' Good Time Family Subway Solution (Berbalerbs Remix): Step Step Stop

Hi Kiddies! Dr. Pemulis asked me if I could come in and tell you all a nice little story of the super-cuckoo stuff that happens on the New York Subway that irks the ever-loving fuckjuice out of me.
Today's topic: Door Blockers

"Chee wor hard for dee monee, bap bap, bap bap, sooooo hard for dee monee bap bap, bap bap"

The space by the doors on the subway is a coveted bit of real estate. I get it. You can lean back if you like, you don't have to hold on to anything, you can dance while staring at yourself in the reflection from the window, and if there's an attractive lady sitting in the seat next to where you're standing, you can check out her cleavage while you convince yourself she only looks 14. And, of course, you're first in line to get off the train! All in all, a pretty nice fuckin' space to stand on the subway.

Which is why some New Yorkers like to "call dibbs" on the spot. In the most retarded, asshole-ish way possible.

Picture this, if you will: it's 8:56 AM. You're standing in the Hoyt-Schermehorn station in Brooklyn waiting for the A/C train to wisk you away to another day of expense reports, flight arrangements, spreadsheets, and trying to rub one out beneath your desk without being conspicuous. You're a little miffed because you spilled some of your delicious Dunkin Donuts iced coffee on your new white shirt, which you knew was going to happen because every single fucking time you wear a white shirt, this type of shit happens and you don't even know how the fucking coffee got on your shirt because you're always doubly fucking careful with a white shirt on and--

You get the picture. Shitty morning already.

So the train pulls up, and there are quite a few people getting on, which is normal for rush hour on a weekday. There's only one person ahead of you in line to get on the train, so you're thinking "not bad, might have an off chance of grabbing a seat or a coveted doorway spot."

BING. BONG.(hehe, "bong," hehe)

The train doors open. Dude in front of you steps on. Stops.

The car is not full. There are many people still boarding the train (including you) and. this. mother. fucking. goober. stops.

Ladies and Gentlemen of New York City: if you really fucking need your little doorway spot that badly, if your bones are too brittle to stand without support on all sides of you (NOTE: most of these door blocking asscakes are big young guys with either a business suit or a fitted back Yankees cap on) FINE, take a step onto the subway, TURN FUCKING SIDEWAYS and proceed to annoyingly bump everyone as they board the train, and return to your precious little fucking standing space. BUT AT LEAST LET THE REST OF US GET ON THE FUCKING TRAIN YOU ABSOLUTE SCOURGE TO MANKIND.

"But the space next to me is open," you say. "I'm not blocking the whole entrance." Interesting point. Do me a favor? Today after you get home from work try and kill yourself with a claw hammer in just one swing. Do that for me, will you?

I don't know what it is, but for some reason I get subway rage as bad as drivers get road rage. All of a sudden, I'll disregard the fact that the dude who just "stepped stepped stopped" looks very similar to Deebo from Friday and just plow into the motherfucker. I feel like it's a personal responsibility of mine to inform the miscreints of this fair city that you will NOT break the social contract of the MTA without consequences. This, thankfully hasn't gotten me killed yet. Yet.

Fridays are for Music: Frog Eyes!

Frog Eyes is a tough band to describe. They're insanely energetic and make me want to rock the fuck out, which is a feeling I get very infrequently since becoming an old man. AllMusic.com's brief bio:

Victoria, British Columbia, quartet Frog Eyes are the antithesis of their quiet Canadian village. Utilizing the carnival atmosphere of Rain Dogs-era Tom Waits, the frenetic energy of vintage Cramps, and the diabolical scheming of pre-Murder Ballads Nick Cave, the post-punk collective created an atmosphere of psychedelic unease with their 2002 full-length debut, The Bloody Hand. Lead singer Carey Mercer, who mined similar territories in his previous group, Blue Pine, leads the indie rock ensemble, which also includes Melanie Campbell, Grayson Walker, and Michael Rak. In 2003, after the critical success of Hand, the group released the enigmatic Golden River on the Animal World label, resulting in another flurry of raves and a newly minted fan base. They signed to Absolutely Kosher the following year and released their strongest record to date, the volatile and charismatic Folded Palm, as well as the lo-fi acoustic EP Ego Scriptor. 2006 saw the release of Bloody Hand, again on Absolutely Kosher, followed by Tears of the Valedictorian in 2007.

Golden River and The Folded Palm are both absolutely amazing albums that I could listen to on repeat for some time. Here are a couple of videos I could find - I can't really vouch for the videos, the first one is for sure some fan made video, the second one I have no idea, but the songs are still awesome.

Masticated Outboard Motors from The Golden River



The Akhian Press from The Folded Palm

Friday is for Music: Dr. Dog!

Incredibly stupid name aside, Dr. Dog is actually kind of awesome(it took me a while to even listen to them because I assumed they sucked because of the name - is the type of asshole I am). The Philadelphia indie rock band has a new album coming out in July, and it's sure to knock your socks on their asses. Below is a video for "My Old Ways" from their album "We All Belong"

Fridays are for Arab Straps

Arab Strap happens to hold a very dear place in my heart. The band, not the sexual device used to help maintain an erection. The Scottish duo brought together two awesome things: great music and drunken tales of nights barely remembered. "Singer" Aidan Moffat has this sing-songy type way of kind of just talking but sort of singing over the music, and he sounds like he may very well be half in the bag while he retells stories about getting drunk in seedy bars and having unsafe sex with unsavory women. He is also terribly funny, in his story telling. Though he drops the C-bomb maybe a tad too frequently - what I mean is that if it is somehow possible to use that word too much, he's the one doing it. I remember seeing them in concert when I was in high school and the only clear recollection I have is that at one point the keyboard broke down for a spell so Aidan chatted with the audience for an extended period and was hilarious. Actually, one more thing I remember is that they did a song which consisted of the lyrics "I want to fuck Han Solo" and "I want to fuck Princess Leia". I do not know whether this song was made up on the spot or if it is in their normal repertoire.

I can still remember the first time I heard anything by them. It was the album "Philophobia." This album opens with a subtle number about safe sex called Packs of Three. Here are the lyrics, to give you an idea:

"It was the biggest ever cock you'd ever seen, but you've no idea where that cock has been.
You said you were careful - you never were with me.
I heard you did it four times and jonnies come in packs of three.
She was the best shag I'd ever had.
That doesn't mean I'm saying, bedwise, you were bad.
I think you were working, we got a hotel.
We didn't have anything but I thought I might as well.
I never told the rest.
I was drunk and I told you I was thinking about a test.
You know I just said it for effect.
Then you laughed and said Id fuck anything in a skirt once I'm erect.
And shes a famous harlot in this town.
I know enough to, but still I couldn't turn her down.
He said I'm an arsehole, what was I thinking?
It's far too easy to blame it on the drinking."

See what I mean? It was a jarring introduction, but it didn't take much more than that song to get me hooked. Here are the videos I could find:


The Shy Retirer from Mondays at the Hug and Pint


Here we Go from Philophobia


Cherubs from Elephant Shoe


Afternoon Soaps from Philophobia


Speed Date from The Last Romance


Anyway, if you're at all interested in any of their albums, my personal favorites are Philophobia and Elephant Shoe probably tied for most favoritest, with Mondays at the Hug and Pint and The Last Romance tied for next to most favoritest.

EDIT: Upon reading some reviews of their albums for fun, here's my favorite opener, about Elephant Shoe, from AMG (Now bear in mind this is the opening to a good review):
"All of the same words ("languid," "somnolent," "depressing," "miserable," et al.) employed to describe Arab Strap's first two efforts apply to their third as well..." That is my kind of fucking band.

Music Beej: John Vanderslice

This Wednesday edition of the Music Beej is in part because I'm not as in love with John Vanderslice as I am with the other winners of this prestigious award. You see, there are really only two albums of Vanderslice's that totally blew me... away. 2004's Cellar Door and 2005's Pixel Revolt are both really, really fucking good. His newest one I only listened to once, and it seemed kind of same-y. Like he peaked with the two I mentioned and has since kind of leveled off. Not the worst thing in the world to happen, I just thought Emerald City was a little too boring to bear repeat listens.

Anywho, Vanderslice tells stories in the first person, much in the same way that John Darnielle or Bill Callahan does. These persona's are usually involved in shady business, drugs, or part of an incredibly fucked up family.

First up is a video for They Won't Let Me Run, from Cellar Door. I don't know who made it, but whomever did has way too much free time. It's like cartoon Legos, which reminds me of this cop game I had for my first computer way the hell back when. Shit, if I don't remember the name of that game, I may go insane. Whatever, here's the video, jerk.



And here's a video for When it Hits My Blood, which some pleasant youtuber has set to scenes from Requiem for a Dream. Thanks guy. Now I can associate this song with Jennifer Connely vomiting.

Friday Music Beej: Arto Lindsay

Arto Lindsay is a Brazilian born musical genuis who was a seminal part of the No Wave movement in the 80's (as part of the band DNA). He then infused Brazilian samba and bossanova pop music into his noise rock and created some albums unlike anything I'd ever heard previously. My very most super favorite thing about him, though, is that he looks like a computer geek.

That's a man who in the mid 80's helped promulgate a scene where guys went on stage and hit their instruments with hammers just to fuck shit up - and forget about tuning those instruments, that shit is for pussies. This contemporary of awesome bands like Sonic Youth and Captain Beefheart has released a number of solo albums. There are three in a row which, I think, perfectly sum up the combination of noise and pop and Brazilia he was trying to accomplish. I highly reccomend any of them: Noon Chill, Prize, or Invoke.

As one might guess, videos online of this fellow are slim pickin's (or so my five second youtube search would have me believe). Anyway, this is a good song - though I'm not sure what it's from.

Friday Music Beej: The National

Yea, I know.  But better late than never, as a feller says.  Anyway, this week's music beej goes to The National.  My biggest problem with a lot of the music I thoroughly enjoy is that several of the bands are from Brooklyn, and can be seen in and around Williamsburgh fairly often.  I cannot walk down Bedford Avenue without imaging murdering every single person I see.  Yes, hipsters, you are ruining everything.  But either way, there is a lot of good music coming from that area, and The National are no exception.

Anyway, The National have release four albums, but the most recent three, Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers, Alligator, and Boxer are leaps and bounds better than their self-titled debut, and each one is excellent in its own way.  Sad Songs is the most direct - lyrically speaking - and it has some incredible lyrics for being as blunt as they are.  On the album opener Cardinal Song, singer Matt Berninger suggests: "Let her treat you like a criminal/so you can treat her like a priest/girls forgive my human mind/girls forgive me one more time.  Never tell the one you love that you do/save it for the deathbed/ when you know you've kept her wanting you"

Alligator may have been my favorite album of 2005, with standout tracks like Secret Meeting and the insanely awesome rocking closer, Mr. November.  A number of people aren't quite thrilled with his voice, but I think his baritone delivery fits perfectly over the lush guitar lines and the more fleshed out sounds Alligator brought to the table.  It's an album that bears repeat listens and I find new bits and turns of phrase each time that make me appreciate it more and more.

Alright, enough with the jibber-jabber.  You listen and you see for yourself.

Mistaken for Strangers from Boxer

Mr. November from Alligator

Lucky You from Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers

Friday Music Beej: (Smog)

(Smog) was the alias of Bill Callahan (he now releases albums as Bill Callahan). He was one the progenitors of lo-fi tape cassette recorder indie rock music, along with Sebadoh, The Mountain Goats, et al. Like most of the other pioneers of the genre, he eventually moved up and on to better recording studios and more polished records, and honestly I think he was all the better for it. Smog's music was always odd and structurally strange, with dark, and often hilarious lyrics as well.

There are many reasons I am envious of Bill Callahan, not the least of which are the former romantic ties between him and Chan Marshall (Cat Power)


and his current romantic ties to Joanna Newsom



In addition to him being a motherfucking pimp, many of his songs sit atop the list of songs I wish I wrote. Some are insanely scathing and bitter and funny. There is a song on his incredible album, Julius Ceasar, called Your Wedding. The lyrics are short, sweet, and awesome. "I remember, entering you. entering you. I'm going to be drunk, so drunk, at your wedding." While not all of his songs are completely bitter about lost love, all of them are clever and dark and because of his baritone voice, something seems deeply sinister about them. Like on Red Apple Falls' Stranger: "and why do you women in this town/let me look at you so bold/when you have seen what i was/in the last town/in the last town/you should have seen what i was/if i was a stranger/i was worse than a stranger/i was well-known"

I go back and forth between what I would call my favorite album of his, since there are maybe four that I think are absolutely incredible. The two previously mentioned, along with Knock Knock and Dongs of Sevotion. While Dongs wins for awesome album title, Knock Knock wins for maybe greatest album cover ever.

And in honor of this beej worthy man, here are a few of his more awesome songs for your enjoyment.

Dress Sexy At My Funeral


Teenage Spaceship



I Break Horses

Friday Music Beej: Destroyer

Destroyer is the solo vehicle of Dan Bejar, whom you might better know as a member of the New Pornographers... While I am a pretty big fan of the Pornos, I always finding myself wishing every song on it were more like the ones that Bejar writes and sings... which then makes me realize there are 8 Destroyer albums I could be listening to. My personal favorite has to be Your Blues. Bejar's style is a weird mix of electric folk and wry humour in his observations that make listening to the lyrics part of the fun. With Your Blues he made a leap into some new territory, with the album being really heavy on the synths. It's at once grandiose while remaining fun and easy. He then did an EP of songs from Your Blues with Frog Eyes as his backing band, which should have been way more awesome than it was. His follow up album Rubies did a nice job of kind of intergrating the synth styles of Your Blues with the folksy elements of his previous work - He has a new one called Trouble in Dreams out in March, and just thinking about it gives me a boner.. And since I'm not nearly as eloquent as I'd like to be describing music (Most of the reviews I give my friends sound like this, "It's awesome, trust me. You'll love it! If you don't it's because you're a fucking shitfuck"), I'll leave off here with a video - the song is An Actor's Revenge




Also, if you dig Destroyer (already did or do now), I highly recommend checking out Danielson.