Goodness, Gracious, Etc.

Just like that, except way, way worse.

An Australian woman accused of setting her husband's genitals on fire because she thought he was having an affair has been charged with murder.

That's right. She lit his nuts on fire... and it killed him. Now, far be it from me to claim to be any sort of detective-y type guy, but this seems a tad drastic, even if you've got indisputable evidence. She thought he was cheating? Because lighting his dongle on fire seems like a knee-jerk reaction to maybe catching him in the act while he's cheating on you with your mom and doing it on your kid's bed or something... so what did this guy do, exactly?

Prosecutors said 44-year-old Rajini Narayan confessed to neighbors that she set her husband on fire on Dec. 8, 2008, after she saw him hug another woman.

...

He hugged a woman. Is that even grounds for suspicion? Couldn't you have just said "Who was that woman you were hugging?" As opposed to the usual "Give me your dick so I can set it ablaze!" Granted, I don't like people squeezing me with their bodies, so I'm no hugspert, but isn't that pretty innocuous? Maybe the woman saved him from a burning building, or returned a missing wallet or something. Of course, as always, this story gets better, so buckle up and keep all appendages inside the blogicle... or whatever. Shut up.

She was initially charged with endangering life and arson but the charges were upgraded to murder after her 47-year-old husband, Satish Narayan, died from his injuries last week.

So this guy gets his penis burned so badly that he's in the hospital for multiple weeks... Then dies from the injuries. And you wonder why people hate the Australians. Or maybe you don't. Do people hate Australians? Anyway, how'd she pull this off ?

Prosecutor Lucy Boord said Narayan told neighbors she was a "jealous wife" but she hadn't meant to kill him when she doused the sleeping man's genitals with an alcohol-based solvent and then set him on fire.

Well, no of course not. Why else would you light a sleeping man on fire, starting with the genital region?

Boord quoted Narayan allegedly saying: "I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else. ... I didn't mean this to happen."

Oh... I... see? So if you severely burn his dick, no one else will want it... except... you? The ol' light his dick on fire to spite others vaginas... or something. At what point does logic just stop occurring in people's brains? Shit like this will never make sense to me. But so anyway how the hell did this end up killing this poor bastard?

The husband jumped out of bed and knocked over the bottle of alcohol, causing the fire to spread and resulting in 1 million Australian dollars ($711,000) of damage to their town house and an adjacent property, the Adelaide Advertiser reported.

So it's his own fucking fault! Obviously don't knock over a bottle of alcohol when you're on fire mate! Did a dingo eat your brainby?[note to self: delete that, it's fucking awful] Seriously though, what the fucking fuck.

Narayan was remanded in custody for psychological assessment and will reappear in court Friday. She has been charged with murder, arson and three counts of endangering life, as the couple's three children were at home during the incident.

Whoa. Way to drop a bombshell there at the end, buck-o. They had three kids? Note to crazies: don't light shit in your house on fire when you have several sleeping children in said house. Also, I wonder how her psych evaluation will turn up. You think she'll be found to be fucking crackers? Also, this article never really gets to the most important aspect of this whole ordeal. Was the guy cheating on her or what?! Because if he was, he totally deserves that shit.

You May Very Well Be A Complete Moron: Pasta Edition! - UPDATE

Last night, I was home alone for a fairly long while, which means I was not going to make any sort of elaborate dinner. A simple pasta dish, I figured, would be nice and easy and quick and painless. It's strange to think one will use "painless" in addition to those other adjectives while describing a cooking experience. Strange, until you consider that you may end up with your foot in a puddle of boiling water, if you're a complete moron.

There are a few things, cooking wise, you should be able to do without any sort of problem, regardless of how stupid you are: make toast, peanut butter sandwiches, grilled cheese, scrambled eggs, and pasta. If any of these are a problem for you, your last name might as well be Gump(timely, no?).

For a long while, I have considered the purchase of a pot that has a lid with holes in it, specifically made for draining pasta. Every time I have decided against, however, because I always end up thinking to myself "Why would I spend the extra money for something that makes it slightly easier to drain pasta just so that there isn't this minute chance something awful happens". I no longer feel this way. Even as I was putting the strainer in the sink I clearly recall the thought "seriously, if you're not a complete fucking imbecile those pots are a waste of money". Those pots are clearly not a waste of money for me.

So, pasta al dente, sauce ready and waiting, I begin to pour the water out into the sink. What always happens when I do this is a large splash of steam flies out of the sink, fogging my glasses ever so briefly. I then move my head back slightly, so my glasses will clear up. What happened this particular time though, is that I somehow moved my entire body back, so, right in time for my glasses to clear up, I can see that the boiling water is no longer pouring into the sink, but directly onto my left foot. I then try to step forward to pour the rest of the water into the sink, only to find the tile floor surprisingly slippery, causing me to almost fall and pour even more water all over myself. Now, because I am a complete moron lucky enough to have a fairly high threshold for pain, as all this is happening, all that is running through my mind is to not lose the pasta. So I finagle my way back to the sink and drain the pasta.

I then have to carefully navigate the kitchen, as the floor is drenched. I also have to figure out exactly how bad the burn on my foot/ankle/leg is(not my actual foot). I decide its not that bad, only to later find myself unable to think about anything other than the pain in my foot unless there is an ice pack on my foot. This made walking awful and sleeping next to impossible.

The moral of the story is to never try to do any thing since you probably suck at it anyway. You'll probably just hurt yourself because you're an idiot, and trying is just the first step towards failure.

UPDATE:  

Now with a little something for the ladies:

is he missing his toenails?

Oh Sorry Wrong Number

So I guess pretty recently there was this video going around of this cheerleader getting the ever living hell beat out of her. Apparently she said mean things about other people on her myspace page, and to teach her a lesson, her friends beat the shit out of her. Have a gander:

I put this one up because some nut added some video of Jesus and stuff at the end and it made me chuckle.


So that's what you get when you talk smack on myspace. Anyway, I guess someone left phone numbers on youtube, so angry folks could call the attackers and vent their spleens and such. And so I guess one of the numbers they posted was not exactly correct.

"The couple said they got around 300 angry, abusive calls from all over the country Wednesday."

I've spent the last several minutes wondering exactly how those calls went. I mean, when you get this number on youtube and call it, are you expecting it to be a cellphone? If they're lets say calling one of the girls and a guy answers, do they say "Hi, may please speak with Jenny?" or whatever, or do they just start yelling like lunatics without any sort of verification as to whom they are speaking with. I am I guess more than anything genuinely curious how that sort of furious-and-filled-with-rage type phone call works. As soon as you hear someone pick up do you just go off? Because if people are really that stupid, and I think that might very well be the case, I should start leaving friends phone numbers under violent youtube videos. Remember that guy who hit the baseball into that pitcher's head? What an asshole, am I right? He goes by the name Bohm and his number is [removed].