You're Breaking My Heart

Robert Irvine is breaking my heart.

So apparently he lied a little about his resume. Not actually a knight? Hey, neither am I. Didn't actually serve the president food? Well, who cares. Normally I would probably be a little more upset, but it's kind of like, he's already proven himself, so what difference does it make? Have you ever seen Dinner: Impossible? It's amazing. I dare Sir Lancelot or Sir Elton John to try doing that shit. Saucy, rude, vile little pig. Didn't think so. Oh, I'm sorry, didn't realize that I can't serve 500 people with no ovens unless I meant it when I said I worked on Princess Di's wedding cake. Oh, what's that? I just did?

There's also accusations that he's kind of a dick. I mean, dude is a jacked Brit who's whole show is him yelling at people to get shit done. How does the idea that he may be a prick surprise anyone? Here's my favorite bit from the article:

"At Salt Rock Grill in Indian Rocks, Irvine ordered oysters and asked for a mignonette sauce. When the waiter couldn't produce it, Irvine ordered the ingredients brought to the table, and prepared the sauce himself. "

Guess what, that is fucking.bad.assed. I don't care who you are, that is serious mother-humping pwnage.

Also, he seems to have been vouched for by everyone else on the Food Network on various shows. He did Iron Chef America where he and Tyler Florence faced off against Paula Deen and Giada. And Guy Fieri came on his show and did a competition with him. He never seemed like anything but a 'roided up gentleman.

Ok, here's where I put on my best gay face, start bawling, get on my bed, and shout "LEAVE ROBERT IRVINE ALONE!!!!"

Also, why does this all seem so familiar? Hmmmm.....

Writers' Strike Takes Its Toll: Monday Evening TV Edition

So last night was just another boring night without the prospect of anything particularly interesting happening. As 8pm rolled around, my options for television programming were severly limited. So shitty in fact, I honestly do not remember what I watched between 8 and 9:30. Nothing on any of the ten HBO channels, no good shows, not even Independence Day or Men In Black or The Fugitive on TBS or TNT!! I was in agony, but going through my DVDs (all the way in another room) was out of the question.

So I settled: Deal or No Deal from 9:30 to 11, with the prospect of switching back and forth to Diners, Drive In's and Dives (which had two back to back episodes on starting at 10pm). Now, you are hopefully wondering why on earth I would want to watch Deal or No Deal. Truth be told, it is solely for schadenfreude. I enjoy watching people get greedy, get offered great deals for more money than they've ever seen before, turn it down because there is a 17% chance their case holds a million dollars, and then lose it all because they're greedy idiots who are charmed by a bald ocd case into believing misleading mathematical ideas.

Anyway, this particular episode was an hour and a half long, and was all new! and different! because this go-round, instead of (1) one million dollar briefcase, there were 10! one million dollar briefcases. It started off wonderfully enough, the woman chose four of the million dollar cases in a row. Way to go, jackass. Actually, let me back up. They never actually announced (or I didn't hear it anyway) how tall the woman actually was, but it's fair to say it was somewhere between 4'8 and 5'1, tops. I don't know if this is SOP for this show, but there were nonstop jokes from both Howie Mandell and the "banker" about how short this broad was - it was awesome. For no reason at all (except to kill time, I know) they brought out one of those things you see at carnivals that says, "you must be this tall..." only this one was the height requirement to win a million dollars. Well played, banker. The button that flashes for the contestant press to make a deal was "malfunctioning" and so the banker rectified the situation by lowering a new button from the ceiling that this chick couldn't have pressed if she were on stilts. You win, banker. In the end she fucked up having 10!!! million dollar cases and made a deal for like, just under three hundred grand. Who cares, I know. The important thing is that you read on, and understand just how awesome Diners, Drive In's and Dives is.

Hosted by Guy Fierri, -the winner of season 2 of The Next Food Network Star- this show travels across America to (you guessed it) awesome diners, drive in's and dives to places that have the best specials and delicacies. Guy is kind of ridiculous, with bleached blond spikey hair, and sunglasses that he wears backwards under his ears, and he also describes food as "money" and "out of bounds". He also refers to the show as "Triple D". I think I might hate him. All he does is go to amazing restaurants and eat ridiculously good food. I don't know if it is the show I like, so much as the idea of having his job. I came to the same conclusion while watching Road Tasted and Feasting on Asphalt.

On Road Tasted, Paula Deen's two sons, who are also essentially best friends, go to a particular city each episode and go to famous and reknowned shops and eat delicious food and see how it's all made. They are obviously having an insane amount of fun and I am supremely jealous.

On Feasting on Asphalt, Alton Brown travels cross country on a motorcycle - taking only backroads, to get a taste for real American food. He has gotten to eat some of the most amazing looking food, and take incredible road trips on a motorcycle with friends. I am even more jealous of this show, since Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is one of my favorite books, and since I don't have the balls to own or ride a motorcycle, or the balls to take a cross country trip.

Have a look - below are some clips.

Diners Drive In's and Dives


Feasting on Asphalt


Road Tasted