Hobo Accused of Being Creepy, Hobo-like

Looks like Portland is stepping it up in the division of their police department that handles shit that doesn't really matter.

Police said they arrested a man on suspicion of leaving child pornography in a library bathroom and putting a hole in the divider between stalls in late July.

Sometimes, if I'm grocery shopping, I'll pick something up, then later put it on a shelf if I decide I no longer want it. Often it is not the correct shelf, but I didn't know you could get arrested for that shit! And what's a library doing with child pornography anyway? And at least specify if the hole was fer' spyin' or if it was for glory...ing.

Jonathan Jennings was in custody Tuesday accused of leaving child pornography in the men's room at the Tualatin Public Library on July 22.

Ok, kind of redundant, considering your last paragraph, but fine. Now he have his name, the exact date and the gender of the bathroom and which library he was in. Go on...

Police said they arrested the homeless man at the Tualatin Community Park after finding his fingerprints on the pornographic picture that a library worker found.

Oh! He's fucking homeless. No wonder he left his shit on the floor of a public bathroom. Where's he supposed to keep his kiddie porn, in his desk? Jaysus, kick a guy while he's down why don't you?

The worker also found a hole in a bathroom stall divider... Police said his fingerprints were also on child pornography that was found at the park earlier this month.
When he was arrested, police said they found a hole in the divider between stalls in the bathroom at the Tualatin Community Park that had previously been repaired had been reopened.

So, my guess for my earlier quandary about peepin' versus glory holin' looks like it's probably the former. So that's kind of fucked up. But at the same time, how big is this hole? I personally tend to notice if there's someone in the stall next to me when I enter one, so I think I would notice if said toilet neighbor were then staring at me through a hole in the stall. At which point I would then shoo him, the way one would a pigeon or squirrel. No harm, no foul.

Jennings was lodged at the Washington County Jail on charges of encouraging child sex abuse and criminal mischief. More charges could be brought against him as the investigation continues.

"Lodged" He was lodged at the jail. Sounds like a B & B! That's probably a step up from being homeless, no? Free roof over your head, free meals, sounds awesome compared to park benches and bathrooms. And it's not like pedophiles are treated differently in prison than someone in there for like, mail fraud. Right?

Mother Goose is Spinning in her Grave (Yea that's right boys and girls SHE'S DEAD)

I came across this headline on MSNBC.com's entertainment page, and I felt the need to ridicule and humiliate the subject as if I were a high school bully pulling the towel off of a fellow student in the locker room and then pushing him out the door into the crowded hallway.

I hate you forever, Bobby Flannery. Now, where was I? Ah, yes:

Will Jamie Lynn's fairy tale end in tears?

Maybe it's just me, but when I think "fairy tale," this isn't what comes to mind:

The reception was held at Shotgun Geniez Titty Bar...Tammy said it was weird to be celebrating at her workplace, but still a magical time.

As Britney Spears’ world continues to improve, her little sister, Jamie Lynn, continues to battle rumors about difficulties with fiancé Casey Aldridge.

I'm sorry, didn't Britney just lose her kids...to KEVIN FUCKING FEDERLINE? How is that improvement?!? I mean, I guess that means she can freebase naked on the toilet for hours and not have to worry about her kids wandering in on her. So, that's good I guess.

“Although it’s not something Jamie Lynn is discussing, we all have our doubts that their relationship is solid."

Well. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Some piece of country-fried white trash knocks up Britney Spears' 16 year old sister and then gets engaged to her, and there are doubts that their relationship is "solid?"

It makes you feel like love doesn't even exist.

"Definitely if not for (two-month-old daughter) Maddie, Jamie Lynn would have had enough of the stress of this relationship by now.”

NO FUCKIN' DOY, DOUCHEBAG!

To be fair, the individual quoted is believed to be Southern.

“We all really do hope this (relationship) can turn out well, that it can be the fairy tale Jamie Lynn wants.”

Can we stop calling this a fairy tale?!? I mean, regular 16 year old girls who get knocked up don't get to use this excuse!

But mama, it's LOVE!!! That condom breakin' was God's way a'sayin' we're MEANT fer each other! This here's my DREAM, mama...plus, lookit the palace he built fer us an' little Cletus!

News Item Leads me to Wikipedia Tapeworms: I immediately regret this decision.

So a man eats some salmon at a restaurant. Gets home. Gets sick. Sues restaurant. Why? Oh, because it gave him a huge fucking tapeworm.

A man who contends he got a 9-foot tapeworm after eating undercooked fish has sued a Chicago restaurant.

Holy fuck. 9-foot tapeworm!? What does that mean? How is this thing 9 feet long? There could be a nine-foot monster living in your body? Wreaking havoc on your bowels? And you're telling me there's a such thing as god? I may need to read up on this a little. But first let's press on:

In the lawsuit filed Monday, Anthony Franz said he ordered salmon salad for lunch from Shaw's Crab House in 2006 and fell violently ill. He later passed the giant parasite, which a pathologist determined came from undercooked fish, such as salmon.

Wait wait wait... he passed the thing? How... but... I... so... you get rid of this abomination by shitting it out? Is that what they mean by passing it? Passing is such a stupid euphemism. The thing didn't take a philosophy class or something, it's been...wait, so exactly what does a tapeworm do? I need to go to wikipedia and do a little research because I am beyond confused. A little scared. A tad hungry, and a smidgen aroused.

Alright wikipedia, do your thing and learn me some gross-ass shit:

The life cycle of a tapeworm starts with a human eating undercooked, infected meat. The tapeworm will then grow and release small packages with fertilized eggs and sperm. These packages are excreted by the host. If they happen to, for example, land in grass, the package will open and by that time, the tape worm eggs will have developed. The eggs are released onto the grass. If a cow were to eat that grass, the eggs would become larvae and burrow into the cow's muscle. If that cow were eaten without being completely cooked, the whole cycle would start again.

I'm not sure I really understand this paragraph. So, I eat the undercooked food. The tapeworm then grows in my belly and releases sperm-y egg packets into my gullet? Then if I shit on the grass, the tape worms are alive and waiting to be eaten by cows? There are some confusing leaps in logic here, but whatever. So this worm needs you to be an egg delivery system to some grass so it can start all over again. The circle of life. Doesn't sound too terrible, aside from the sperms and shitting in grass.

The people that have been infected by this tapeworm have described the following symptoms: abdominal discomfort and pain, cramp, colic, flatulence, diarrhea, constipation, nausea, dizziness, vomiting, restlessness, vertigo, headache, tiredness, malabsorption, anorexia, muscular pain, vitamin deficiency, megaloblastic anemia, weight loss (or gain), intestinal blockage, jejunal perforation, appendicitis, pancreatitis, pseudo-incontinence, pruritis ani, rectal-flutters, spontaneous voiding of segments from the anus, depression and psychosis.

On second thought maybe not. I like all of my segmented anus voiding to be premeditated and well thought out. Also, who wouldn't be depressed if you had a giant monster worm living inside you? "Hey, why so glum?" "I can't stop liquid shitting because I've got a kraken living inside me shooting my intestines with sperm bullets - the beast is hoping to make me shit his sperm onto some grass to feed cows and perpetuate his kind." "Well that sounds reasonable, carry on."

Franz's lawsuit seeks $100,000 from Shaw's and its parent company, Lettuce Entertain You Enterprises, contending the restaurant's staff was negligent in serving him improperly cooked fish.

Fucking first off he should seek putative damages for having to say "Lettuce Entertain You", because every time it's read or spoken the reader/listener loses IQ points. Next thing you know they'll be titling their court documents for the case "Nothin' Fishy About it!"

But Carrol Symank, vice president of food safety for Lettuce Entertain You, said the tapeworm didn't come from Shaw's.
"We have done a thorough investigation, and we're confident the restaurant is not the source," he said.

What the fuck. does that mean. "So the tapeworm that you got, the one caused by undercooked fish. The one you got immediately after eating fish at our restaurant. Didn't come from us!" "Erm, excuse me, but if I may, I've been having rectal-flutters and spontaneously voiding bowel segments since eating your fish" "We're confident that our restaurant is not to blame" "Um... how?" "We've done a thorough investigation." "What the fuck does that mean?" "We... uh... Well, we've looked at a lot of your poo?" "Well how the fuck would that lead you to know where the tapeworm came from?!" "You wouldn't understand... It's science-y."

According to the Web site mayoclinic.com, tapeworms can measure up to 50 feet long.

According to the web site gallimaufriers.blogspot.com, thinking about 50-foot long tapeworms may cause rectal-flutters.

Daddy Yankee would've wanted it this way...

"Picture me Molding"

Family members of Angel Pantoja Medina (whose name roughly translates to "Freaky Deeky Motherfucker" in English) made sure that they would honor their loved one's final wish: to terrify and weird-out everyone he ever knew by pulling a Madame Tussauds at his own wake.

That dude on the left in this photo? Oh yeah. Corpsey corpse corpsicle.

A funeral home used a special embalming treatment to keep the corpse of 24-year-old Angel Pantoja Medina standing upright for his three-day wake.

I wonder if he specifically asked to have his hands down around his crotch and his head cocked back like a mannequin at a Mark Ecko store. And I know the flowers right in front of him are supposed to be a memorial, but it just looks like he's taking a piss into a potted plant.

And did no one in his family consider that maybe, just maybe he was FUCKING KIDDING!?!?

Ayo holmes, you know what'd be fucked up, holmes? If a dude was like, like standing up at his own funeral, B. That's gangster, B. That's what I want at my funeral holmes, just to be standing there, all "what's good, esse?" and shit. That's gangster, B.

Generally, statements made with a blunt hanging out of one's mouth negate their authority as a "living will."

Julia Childs: International Woman of Mystery...and Delicious Chicken

Now, you may think in the video below that the only thing going on is Jaques Pepin teaching Julia Child how to make a nice "Pain Bagnat"...



But the only pain bagnat Jacques Cousteau over here is going to get is one from the U.S. Governement, if 0097 finds any thing fishy... for you see, all the while Jaques thinks they're just having a friendly chat, Jules was spying on that French fuck - that's right - Secret Agent Julia Child. Looks like monsieur Pepin will be enjoying his bagnat with a side of justice.

World Loses Tallest Woman and Most Beautiful Woman in One Fell Swoop

...Because they are the same woman.

A woman who grew to be 7 feet, 7 inches tall and was recognized as the world's tallest female died early Wednesday, a friend said. She was 53.

I find this odd, because according to wikipedia, most cougars are about 8 feet in length, so you'd think she'd actually be considered a little on the short side.

Sandy Allen, who used her height to inspire schoolchildren to accept those who are different, died at a nursing home in her hometown of Shelbyville, Ind., family friend Rita Rose said.

She also used her height to find a loving husband and to frighten normal people.

The cause of death was not yet known. Allen had been hospitalized in recent months as she suffered from a recurring blood infection, along with diabetes, breathing troubles and kidney failure, Rose said.

Fuck. I'm kind of a dick. Guess I may as well keep going, since I've just stamped my coach ticket to hell.

I see trees of green........ red roses too. I see em bloom..... for me and for you...And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to shower and kill myself.

Sea Monster Wins Gold

Grrrr I am really unlikeable!!!

World record holder Alain Bernard declared on Aug. 7 that he was the favorite for the 100-meter freestyle and that his French relay squad would "smash" the Americans.

I guess I'd be a prick too if I were the result of a turtle raping my mother. Forreal, have you EVER seen anything (not anybody, mind you, anything) uglier in your entire life?

The U.S. relay team (comprised of Phelps, Jason Lezak, Cullen Jones and Garrett Weber-Gale) won the relay in a world-record setting 3:08.24. Lezak, who was the final swimmer for the Americans, barely edged out the smack-talking Bernard for the gold.

I know that's old news by now, but I have this fantasy of Alaine (oh, by the way pal, I know there's cultural differences and whatever, but you have a BITCH'S name) googling himself and finally ending up here, on my site. And he has to read about his squad's embarassment one more time directly after translating the phrase "turtle raping my mother" into French.

Suck on it,Pepẻ.