The Gallimaufry

Doctor GeniusFace Has a Whoopsie

2011-08-03T23:21:00.002-04:00

I deal with pain fairly regularly. I've had four operations on my wrist. It's been, at times, frustrating. And in certain moments, I've had thoughts like, "I wish I had an axe, I'd hack this fucking hand off right now." Of course, these moments are fleeting, and as reluctant as I am to ever go to the Doctor, I would never ACTUALLY act on any of those thoughts. This guy however? Notsomuch.

A 63-year-old California man with a hernia plunged a butter knife into his abdomen in an attempt to fix the problem, and later put a lit cigarette in the wound, police said on Tuesday.

Police found the man lying naked on the porch of his apartment in the Los Angeles suburb of Glendale on Sunday night after his wife called to report his attempt at surgery, Glendale police spokesman Sergeant Tom Lorenz said.

Couple things here. Why was he naked? And... a BUTTER knife?! Also... Where was his wife when he was going through with this? To insert a butter knife into one's hernia region would require effort and pain that Would not go unnoticed even if Mrs. Dr. GeniusFace was rocking out her iPod and crocheting or whatever people do.

"He actually impaled himself with the butter knife," Lorenz said. "He told his wife he was frustrated with this hernia, and he didn't want to wait any longer for the medical procedure."

Ok, so you're somehow so fed up that you've decided to perform surgery on yourself, you ambitious soul you, and so you're now trying to determine the best way to cut open your stomach to... fix... your... hernia? Do you even know what a hernia actually is? Even if you do, would you know what it looked like after you somehow cut your own stomach open to see it? And why the fuck would you jab at it with a cigarette? It's going to get all bloody and then you can't smoke it and those things are like a million bucks these days bro!

Police officers watched as the 63-year-old man, after pulling the knife out of his abdomen, put a lit cigarette into the wound, Lorenz said. "I don't know if it was an attempt to cauterize or anything," he said.

Further proof we need to work on making lightsabers a reality. They Cauterize as they cut!

Police did not identify the man, but Lorenz said he committed no crime and was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He was taken to Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center, where he was put on a 72-hour psychiatric hold, police said.

No, no.... Bro. Trust me, even if you weren't? Lie. "Yea, I was WAY hammered. I would never jab a butter knife into my gut and then a lit cigarette! I don't even remember that shit!"

And the whole "Jesus's Image" thing comes full circle

2011-07-31T21:36:00.001-04:00

Let's say for a second you are God. Not only that, you are also the son of God, and died for the sins of every human (fuck you, other things living on Earth!). Anyway, instead of showing yourself to the world and being like "hey sorry for the AIDs and the Hurricanes and shit. I'm testing you! So far I'd give y'all like a C -. But seriously, it's all good there's heaven with cake and boners" or whatever. You think to yourself "Hey, not only am I the son of God, but I'm also God, and rather than talk to these people, I'll show up in their toast! or on a rag! OOOOOOoooh BEST idea ever, I'll show my face on a walmart receipt!

It will shock you to learn the folks who saw Mr. J.H. Christ are from South Carolina. Also, this:

Sutherland said she and Simmons believe the image was a response to a question asked by their preacher in church that week.

"We had a message on knowing God, abiding in him," Sutherland said. "(The preacher asked) 'If you know God, would you recognize him if you saw him?'"

"We just feel like it's a blessing that God showed it to us and opened our eyes. And we just feel like we should share the blessing God gave to us to everybody else," Sutherland said.

Ok so you'd be so jazzed that you recognize God (from a walmart receipt, obviously), that you wouldn't be like "Oh hey, remember Katrina? You're kind of a dick." Or like, "Hey my wife got hit by a drunk driver, what kind of prick gives a "test" like that? No, just oh hey! I know that face, you were on my receipt for Marlboro reds and easymac! It's a sign!

Simmons said Walmart workers told him the receipt would only change colors if heat was applied, but he does not know how it would have been heated enough to cause the mark.

Can't wait for the follow up when they get the receipt back from the lab to find out if it had indeed been heated! See you at the rapture y'all!!!!!

Berbalerbs: Just the Tip

2010-10-05T10:56:00.002-04:00

This is a new feature in which 'Mauf writer Berbalerbs shares a brief observation or comment, a literary amuse-bouche, if you will. Why? Because 1.) I'm lazy and 2.) fuck-off.

I just realized that Andy Rooney's little "editorial" spot on 60 Minutes consists of him re-discovering that he's 174 fucking years old, week after week, and that puts him a leeeeeeettle out of touch with those of us whose lives haven't spanned 3 different centuries.

Ooo, look. Berbalerbs is mad at something someone wrote about the Mets. How novel.

2010-09-08T13:24:00.008-04:00

Someone from a really ignorant Mets blog wrote something really ignorant. Let's make fun, shall we?

In Defense Of The Wilpons: Are The Mets Heading To The Junkyard?

Think back to that first car you owned. Wont [sic] it always have a special place in your heart?

Ok, I'll spare you the rest of this lede, mostly because it's wordy and appropos to NOTHING ELSE IN THE FUCKING BLOG POST. But mostly it's blah blah loved the car but then it started to break down blah blah eventually couldn't just throw money at it, and you had to get rid of it.

I’m wondering when the Wilpon’s [sic] will reach this point—if they haven’t already.

Ok, so at this point, maybe the article's going to talk about how the Wilpons have treated their ownership of the Mets a bit irresponsibly, as a teenager might treat his/her first car. Maybe they valued the shinyness of its hood over the power of the engine? I don't know. I didn't construct this tortured metaphor.

But no. That is not the direction this web log poster decided to take. This interweb writer decided to take a sharp left-hand turn to Fuckwit Township.

Yes, the Wilpons have been criticized and crucified for not giving us our elusive 3rd Championship...But in their defense, do they deserve all the blame?

No. Not all the blame. But a hefty fucking percentage of the blame, yes.

True they should have spent money better, wiser. Just throwing a lot of big dollars at players does not guarantee victory.

If you're wondering, those two sentences completely undermine the rest of the post. This is the next sentence. The very. Next. Sentence:

However, when all is said and done, we have the 3rd highest payroll in Baseball.

Wouldn't that whole thing look a lot more sensible if you switched those two thoughts around?

When all is said and done, we have the 3rd highest payroll in Baseball. However, just throwing a lot of big dollars at players does not guarantee victory.

See? Doesn't that make your brain hurt a lot less?

Tell someone in Pittsburgh or Kansas City that our owners don’t want to win.

Berbalerbs: Hey, someone in Pittsburgh or Kansas City?
SIPOKC: What's up?
Berbalerbs: Our owners don't seem like they want to win.
SIPOKC: Fair assessment. Wanna make a suicide pact?
Berbalerbs: Boy, do I!!!

They have opened their wallets time and time again.

On players like Oliver Perez. And Luis Castillo. And Alex Cora. And Gary Fucking Matthews Fucking Jr. (fucking.)

They have put the best product on the field and given us the tools needed to build a championship.

Our "best product, championship-building toolshed" included Mike Jacobs hitting cleanup on Opening Day this year. And before you say "he was there due to another player being injured," that other player was Daniel Murphy. No disrespect to Murph, but come. The fuck. On.

Take a step back.

Cuz you standin' on mah dick!!! Tee hee. Ahem, sorry.

Don’t look at who we haven’t gotten but who we HAVE.

Get ready for this folks. This is an INVALUABLE lesson for us all to learn, ESPECIALLY anyone planning on a career in politics: If you ignore any and all context to a situation, you can argue anything!!! Let's begin:

We signed future Hall of Famer Pedro Martinez.

After his prime. For too many years and too much money. Look, I'll be the first to say it was a good signing, but mostly because it restored some credibility to a team that had been UTTER SHIT for like 4 years. It likely helped them land Beltran, and indeed, in 2006 we almost made the World Series with Pedro on the team. But by the end of that season, the cracks began to show as we were counting on a LOT of people past their prime (Pedro, El Duque, Glavine) to lead us to glory. But I digress.

Then signed another future Hall of Famer in Tom Glavine, both who definitely know a thing or two about winning pressure games.

Glavine we covered above, but I just wanted to add in that line about "knowing a thing or two about winning pressure games," like that's...a thing.

We locked up 5 tool superstar Carlos Beltran for 7 years in the prime of his career.

Yup. Score one for the front office!!!

CURRENT FRONT OFFICE SCORE: 1.

Oh, and while I'm being bitchy, the blog this was posted on (which refers to itself as "The Ultimate Baseball Site for Die-Hard Mets fans derp derp derp") consistently brings up the fact that the 2010 Mets "started losing as soon as Beltran came back," because if you were paying attention in Science class, correlation ALWAYS equals causation. But yea, Mr. Clubhouse Cancer is all of a sudden a championship tool when it's convenient.

We acquired slugger Carlos Delgado who, as his career was winding down, had a deep seeded desire to play in a World Series.

First part: granted, especially the "career winding down" part. Second part: objection, your honor. Relevance?

We signed the best LHP in the game in Johan Santana

Woah woah woah woah woah. Anything about that seem weird to you? Like, maybe that he wasn't on the team when Pedro and Glavine were here? And when he arrived here, John Maine and Oliver Perez were considered our #2 and #3 guys?

When our bullpen crumbled we obtained Francisco Rodriguez fresh off his record 62 saves.

Which was the opposite of a productive way to fix the problem. Our ENTIRE bullpen crumbled, not just our closer. So you give a RIDICULOUSLY HIGH contract (and I'm not saying this just because of Baby-Mama's-Daddy-PunchGate, $15 mill+ a year for a relief pitcher not named Mariano Rivera is silly) based on one of the worst stats in baseball, the save? And yea I get that they signed Putz that same year, but making a recognizable, past-his-prime closer your eighth inning guy and having NOTHING behind that isn't a strategy. Putz predictably wanted to be a closer again (whether or not his performance warrants it), so you knew he wasn't sticking around. And K-Rod hits old people, so...y'know.

We brought in Gary Sheffield for his veteran presence and post-season experience.

ARE YOU FUCKING JOSHING ME HERE!?!?!?!?!?

I'm verklempt. I need a minute.
Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic:

Gary Sheffield is neither an example of a good move by ownership NOR an example of ownership spending a lot of money (being that Detroit was paying almost all of his bloated contract after RELEASING HIM FROM THEIR TEAM DUE TO HIS INABILITY TO PLAY BASEBALL WELL ANY LONGER). Discuss.

In a free agent market with limited hitting, we signed Jason Bay after he hit 36 HR’s and 119 RBI’s.

In an offseason where the Mets had dozens upon dozens of personnel matters to discuss, they signed this one guy because, HEY! You've heard of him right??? Great! He used to play for the Red Sox!!! You've heard of them, right??? GREAT! Well come on down, buy a ticket and see THAT GUY YOU'VE HEARD OF THAT USED TO PLAY FOR THAT WELL KNOWN TEAM!!!

Collective Mets fans with brains: Um...sirs? What about the rotation going into--
Wilpons: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT YOUR SHAKE SHACK!

The Wilpon’s [sic] also hired Willie Randolph as skipper. Randolph, who by himself, has more championship rings then the entire Mets roster.

Yea, how'd that work out for them? And I'll be brief about it but PLEASE shut the FUCK up with this rings bullshit. He won them as a player, not a manager so putting that in there means NOTHING. Also, this writer presumably thinks that David Eckstein was a superior player (is? Does he still play? idunno) to Alex Rodriguez, because Ecky's got more rings. KISS THE RINGS, BITCH!

And lets not forget the fact that they gave us fans a brand new stadium to call home.

Which taxpayers chipped in around $175 million to build. But hey, it sure is nice that the tickets and food are so reasonably priced!!! Oh hey wait...

Despite all of these moves, acquisitions, free agent signings, despite the fact our payroll has increased close to 50% in 5 years, what has it gotten us? One–ONE–division title!!!

Hmmmmm now why, oh, why could that be? Was it perhaps that the moves, acquisitions and blah blah blah were more to project an image of "wanting to win" and having a "quality product" than to actually have a fucking winning product? I wonder whose fault that might be...
Oh I know! Jerry Manuel!

Hmmmm....who hired Jerry again? Oh I know, Omar Minaya!!!!

Hmmm...who hired Omar again?

Oh.

I know.

THE FUCKING OWNERS.

Like our first car, I wonder if and when the Wilpon’s may decide to stop throwing good money after bad and try something new, something different.

Like my first car, your post was busted and shitty.

King Hippo to Abdicate Throne.

2010-08-23T13:51:00.003-04:00

Speaking of headlines that are more than a shade fucked up, check out this one, followed by the first sentence of the article...

Doctors to operate on 'Hippo Man'

Surgeons have agreed to operate on a man - cruelly nicknamed Hippo Man - to remove a giant tumour from his nose.

Ok, so this poor bastard is cruelly nicknamed Hippo Man. But this does not stop them from calling him Hippo Man in the fucking title of the article. So let's press on, shall we?

Fei Jianjun, 41, spends most of his time inside his home in Maxiang village, Jilin province, China, as his appearance frightens his neighbours.

Superstitious villagers believe they will fall ill if they look at him, reports the City Evening Post newspaper.

While parents discipline their children by threatening to take them to meet him if they misbehave.

"I try my best not to go out, as my family is too poor to compensate others if I scare them and make them sick," said Fei.

Holy. Shit. Where is Maxiang and how soon can we blow it up? His family is too poor to compensate others if he scares them and makes them sick. What is the proper compensation in this situation. "Fei, my poor mother saw you at the grocery store and immediately vomited and wanted to stab her eyes out, so you owe me 50$." Is that enough? I have no clue.

Also, that the guy is aware that his existence is used by parents to frighten their children. How has he not killed himself?

His condition began as a small bump on the end of his nose nearly a year ago - but it now covers so much of his face that his eyes have been pushed onto the side of his head.

His father took him to a hospital in Jilin city where doctors diagnosed him as suffering from a cancerous tumour.

Surgeons have now agreed to operate for nothing as the family are so poor they have had to take on odd jobs to buy painkillers for Fei.

Jesus. I feel awful for this guy. Is there a place to donate money for him? I wouldn't do it because I'm poor, but I'd link to it so you could.

Alright, it's picture time. Are you ready?

you sure?

last chance

Boom!

Moral of this story is if you have a tiny bump at the end of your nose, or anywhere else for that matter, go to a doctor.

But seriously, then what? He's Hippo Man, and shunned in his village. What happens after he's fine? Does he get the money back he had to pay families that he scared and sickened? And now who are they going to scare the children into fearing to get them to behave if there's no more Hippo Man? Man Man?

If I Seem to Have Died, Please Don't Take Me to A Mexican Coroner

2010-08-23T08:48:00.003-04:00

It's been a while, I sort of forget how to to do this. Anyway,

Holy farts.

http://www.ajc.com/news/nation-world/mexico-baby-declared-dead-586020.html

Mexico Baby declared dead revives inside coffin

Off to a great start for a number of reasons. "Mexico Baby"? I'm no word-make-y type guy, but shouldn't that say "Mexican Baby"? Secondly, why am I focused on that when the rest of the headline is about Mexico Baby going zombie at its own wake?

So instead of one less movie-ruining Mexican baby,

Jokes.com

Brian Posehn - Mexican Babies

comedians.comedycentral.com

Big Lake

A New Comedy from Will Ferrell and Adam McKay

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

you've now got one of these:

Hidalgo state Attorney General Jose Rodriguez says the parents heard a strange noise coming from the tiny casket. Opening it up, they found her crying and very much alive.

Rodriguez told state public radio Thursday that the doctor who pronounced the girl dead at a hospital in the town of Tulancingo is being investigated for possible negligence.

The baby, who was born prematurely Monday, is in stable condition at a different hospital.

What do you suppose is the first thought running through one's mind, while at your own newborn's wake, when you hear "strange noises" coming from the coffin? Horror? Christ, thinking about that is terrifying.

Also, would any jury in the world convict the guy if immediately upon seeing the kid was alive, he went and found the doctor who pronounced the kid dead and strangled him to death?

Did you miss me? You missed me.

2010-03-30T12:49:00.010-04:00

Let's forgo the niceties. Let's just fucking dance.

Mets must let Reyes play on first day

Before we begin, a few yes/no questions for you:

1. Are you unaware that a baseball season consists of more than just 1 game? (specifically, 161 games more than just 1 game?)

2. Have you (intentionally or otherwise) completely ignored the past three seasons of New York Metropolitans baseball?

3. Are you a complete fucking idiot?

If you answered "yes" to all three, there's a good chance you're Kevin Kernan, writer for the New York Post, and you happened upon our lovely little blog while Googling yourself. There's an even better chance that I'm about to violate every orifice of your shitty little article.

The Mets are trying to find all kinds of reasons to keep Jose Reyes out of the Opening Day lineup

What Kay Kay neglects to mention (can I call you Kay Kay? I think I can call you Kay Kay.) is that the Mets haven't really been looking all too hard to find these reasons. Jose Reyes missed almost all of last season with an injury to his leg. Then, he had thyroid problems, which meant he had to be completely idle for three weeks. Completely. Idle. Like,For three weeks. Now, going fromtotakes a little warming up. Especially if one is trying not to re-injure one's leg, which, as we've just covered, kept one out of baseball for most of 2009.

They say they’re trying to protect the shortstop from hurting himself by keeping him from coming back too quickly.

Because he's coming back from injury.

And he was just fucking STATIONARY for three weeks.

And, while having Jose Reyes around on Opening Day would be nice, having him healthy for the entire season would be considerably fucking nicer.

And, of course, you know how cold it is in April in New York. There are three night games after Opening Day, and that first road trip takes the Mets to Colorado, which could create problems.

Shit, I didn't even consider that. You're right, there are even more reasons to be careful with him than I've considered!

Absolutely none of that should matter.

You're a Yankees fan, aren't you?

Listen: I get it. Reyes makes the Mets a better team and--

The bottom line is that Reyes makes the Mets a better team

Yea, dickwad I just said that, but we're talking about--

and if he continues to impress the way he did yesterday during his first time facing live pitching [Dude, that was batting practice -Ed.], he should get the green light to play on Monday.

Read your own fucking sentence again, Kay Kay: during his first [FUCKING -Ed.] time facing live [FUCKING -Ed.] pitching. On the sample size of "1" you're going to declare an oft-injured KEY part of the Mets ready to play?

No questions asked.

I have roughly 75,000 questions to ask RE: that (although to be fair, the majority of those questions are some variation of what the fuck is wrong with you, Kay Kay?)

His spot in the lineup would give the Mets an immediate Opening Day lift against the Marlins and Josh Johnson. And maybe you haven’t heard, but the Mets could use an emotional lift. So could their suffering fans.

Maybe you haven't heard, dick-shiner, but in 2009, roughly 160% of the team's Opening Day roster missed significant playing time because of injuries. Like, literally, if you ask the average Mets fan what they hope for this season, you're likely to get a response along the lines of "I just hope they fuckin' stay healthy." It is extremely fucking unlikely you get a response along the lines of "I hope to see Reyes leg out a triple on Opening Day, and after that I couldn't give a fuck."

Reyes’ appearance would rev up the home crowd

It's Opening Day. Opening Day will rev the crowd up for Opening Day.

[Playing on Opening Day] would give Reyes the chance to wipe away the curse of a season that was 2009.

It also gives him the chance to re-injure himself ON DAY FUCKING ONE because he rushed himself to get back. And also, "the curse" of 2009 you're talking about was almost completely due to INJURIES. Which the Mets are at least trying to avoid.

BY NOT RUSHING THEIR STAR SHORTSTOP SO HE CAN BE IN ONE GAME THAT IS NOT ANY MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE OTHER (and please listen to me when I say this)
ONE.
HUNDRED.
SIXTY.
ONE.
OTHER.
FUCKING.
GAMES.

Even if Reyes is overmatched by Johnson, he won’t be alone — but perhaps Reyes will have a good day and so will the Mets.

So...if Jose Reyes plays poorly, it's likely that at least one of his teammates will also play poorly...which...um...but on the other hand, he may play well, and his teammates may also play well...as well. So...there's that.

The fact Reyes has overcome so much since last May 20 and this spring’s thyroid scare, being in the lineup would give him the kind of lift that could carry him all summer. It would be a triumph for the baseball soul.

That's just gay. MOVING ON!

Again, this is not about pushing a player who is not healthy.

No, it's about pushing a player who we're not sure if they are completely healthy or not, which is a stupid idea.

I’ve watched Reyes closely the last three days,

I like to imagine Kevin Kernan squatting uncomfortably close to the field and batting cages and staring intently at Jose Reyes for hours on end without blinking.

and other than needing to pick up some bat speed

How could one quickly do this...OH THAT'S RIGHT by playing a few minor league games where they don't have to bat in order so that Jose can lead off every inning and get twice the amount of at-bats he would in a regular game, all while NOT HURTING THE TEAM as he "picks up his bat speed."

Now comes the line in the article which made me write this post. It's...I...ok, no preface. Just

Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.

I...how can you

Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.

No...just...no.

Playing Opening Day is about the big picture, it is not about one day.

Dude.

Brah.

Broseph Goebbels.

If there is one thing, ONE THING that playing Opening Day isn't about, it's the big picture. And yes, you fuckheaded fuckhead, playing Opening Day is, objectively, self-fucking-evidently, about one fucking day, specifically: Opening Day.

Don't believe me? Let's take a look at the Opening Day Roster (4/6/09) for the New York Mets, 2009!

1. Jose Reyes, SS
2. Daniel Murphy, LF
3. David Wright, 3B
4. Carlos Delgado, 1B
5. Carlos Beltran, CF
6. Ryan Church, RF
7. Brian Schneider, C
8. Luis Castillo, 2B
9. Johan Santana, P

WOOHOOALRIGHT!!! Now, the roster eight weeks later!!!

1. Luis Castillo, 2B
2. Emil Brown, RF
3. Carlos Beltran, CF
4. Garry Sheffield, LF
5. David Wright, 3B
6. Fernando Tatis, 1B
7. Omir Santos, C
8. Wilson Valdez, SS
9. John Maine, P

woo. The roster eight weeks after this?

1. Luis Castillo, 2B
2. Luis Castillo's 13 year old daughter, Helena, RF
3. The headless body of David Wright, 3B
4. A wax statue of Samuel L. Jackson (on loan from Madame Tussaud's), 1B
5. Jerry Manuel's grandpa Jimmy Manuel (1914 - 2007), CF
6. Berbalerbs, SS (No, really. I had a .087/.100/.114 clip for the month of August, good enough for Mets Offensive Player of the Month)
7. A small mass of David Eckstein's cells that were cloned and cultivated in a lab in East Orange, NJ, RF
8. A stepladder, C
9. Johan Santana, P

Wow, I'm sure glad the tone the team set last year on Opening Day carried them the entire year!!!

This would usually be the point where I calm down for 5 to 10 seconds and concede that I know the writer didn't literally mean this, he was implying blah blah blah, but FUCK THAT NOISE. I'm not sure how someone can be stupid enough to write something like that and yet smart enough to use a computer.

Alright...let's wrap up the retardation.

To expect Reyes to come back with perfect timing is expecting too much. In fact, it might be better to bring him back with that built-in excuse.

Look guys, he's gonna suck for a while, but we have to focus on the important stuff: he's doing all his little handshakes on Opening Day!

Just having Jose Reyes in the lineup makes the Mets winners on Opening Day.

Drown yourself, Kay Kay.

Marble Hill English Teacher is Confused, Racy

2009-11-10T10:19:00.004-05:00

Teacher reassigned over racy essay

I saw this headline and immediately thought, "who's the dumbass that wrote this? Shouldn't it be 'resigned'?" Turns out, I'm the dumbass, because the teacher was reassigned, much like the title suggests.

By most accounts, Greg Van Voorhis, or "Mr. V," is a very popular English teacher at the Bronx School of Law and Finance. Students like Lauren Henriquez say he knows how to relate to them.

"He's a really, really good teacher," she said. "He understands. You can speak to him about anything."

"Even talking about dirty stuff, like masturbating with carrots and shit!"

But school officials say Van Voorhis may have gone too far when he gave his 11th graders a graphic short story about masturbation involving a carrot, among other things.

Whoa hey! Fancy that. A couple of things: this article nowhere mentions the name of the short story, who wrote it, or just how sexy it is. But there's also a video on the site, and it shows that the story this guy chose to share with his eleventh graders was one called "Guts" by Chuck Palahniuk. A story that was originally published in Playboy. First and foremost, if the guy should get in trouble for anything, it should be for using a Palahniuk story. Have you ever read anything by him? Holy hell he fucking sucks. All of his main characters speak in that same way that the guy in Fight Club does where he thinks everything he does is super badassed and they're always having sex with ultra hot girls all the time. It's fucking stupid. Anyway, if he should get in trouble, it should be for the following quote from his student:

"I don't feel there was nothing bad about it," Henriquez said. "It was just a story. We read it outside of class, so why can't we read it inside class?"

Guess what honey, trying to save your ENGLISH teacher by saying something like "I don't feel there was nothing bad about it" is a step in the wrong fucking direction. But honestly I kind of agree with like, who cares how racy as long as it's something worth teaching/reading - which I think I've made clear Palahniuk is not, but still. These kids are going to learn about masturbating with carrots somewhere, why not have it be school?

But Louella Hatch, who has a grandson in the tenth grade at the school, isn't laughing.

"If it is true, he can't still be around the school, you know?" she said.

It's funny how in print a quote can seem so different than when you see it. I read this and was like, "aw this woman is concerned for the well-being of her grandson" but watch the video:

Actually watching her say it is more like "holy crap she's old. She probably doesn't even know where she is! Who gives a shit what she thinks about schooling!"

Alec Nightengale is also an English teacher at the school and a personal friend of Van Voorhis. He says his colleague deserves to be back in the classroom.

"I've known him all my life, and I know he had the best of intentions," Nightengale said. "And he only wants what's best for the kids."

"And the carrots."

Katt Williams Finally Does Something Funny

2009-11-09T14:37:00.004-05:00

via cnn

Real News Now Getting Ideas from Text from Last Night

2009-11-09T11:57:00.003-05:00

Drunk man calls 911 to report pot stolen

I tried really hard to find an appropriate picture of a drunk idiot on the road or something to add to this post, but oddly enough, if you type in "drunk" or "drunk idiot" into google image search, you find largely pictures of scantily clad women. And you also find guys passed out on the floor with lots of hilarious things drawn on them in sharpie. Or covered in gravy mix, apparently:

Anyway, the actual story is pretty much summed up by the title... except of course the guy wasn't at home or something... he was driving.

SALEM, Ore. - Oregon police have charged a man with drunk driving after he called 911 to report his marijuana as stolen but the dispatcher couldn't understand him because he was vomiting while on the road.

Marion County sheriff's deputies say 21-year-old Calvin Hoover, of Salem, told dispatchers early Tuesday that someone had broken into his truck and stolen cash, a jacket and a small amount of marijuana while he was at a tavern in Salem.

He then called 911 again to complain that deputies had not arrived, but the dispatcher had trouble understanding Hoover because he was driving and stopping several times to vomit.

I don't think I've ever had a thought to call the police about anything - luckily I've never had occasion to call the cops for any reason, but holy hell how stupid and/or hammered must you be to do that. I can't even comprehend the state of mind. He called 911 to report his drugs stolen, then called AGAIN when it seemed like they weren't coming in a timely fashion. I also can't imagine having that much knee-jerk reaction to anything gone missing. Also, doesn't the tavern have some kind of responsibility to not let this asshole get in his car? And was he there alone? What 21 year old goes to a bar without several friends and hopefully a DD? Seriously, if I went back in time and saw myself going to bar solo, I would point at myself and laugh. Then the 21 year old me would probably see me, thus creating some kind of time paradox that would make the universe implode.

So if the universe implodes, you'll know why, and you'll know that Calvin Hoover is to blame, for inspiring me to invent the time machine.

Working At Blockbuster Must Suck

2009-11-06T13:17:00.002-05:00

If you're a normal human being, you've called in sick to work before. And some bosses are understanding, and some jobs blow. I remember one time in college I called in sick to work when I was supposed to be there at 5:30am and there was no way it was going to happen - my boss demanded a doctor's note to prove that I had actually been sick. Is that even legal? (as an epilogue to that story I had a friend who worked in a Dr.'s office steal a piece of his prescription paper and then forged a note)

Anyway, the point is that no one can force you to go to work, and there's ways to play hooky without getting caught, and ways to do it without causing yourself serious bodily harm. There are certain lengths it is not necessary to go to get out of work - such as stabbing yourself and saying you were attacked.

A 29-year-old man who claimed he was attacked and stabbed by three people - skinheads or Hispanic males - confessed Monday night that he stabbed himself because he didn't want to go to work, Edgewater Police said today.

The man, Aaron Siebers, walked into his employer, the Blockbuster Video store at 1921 Sheridan about 6:30 p.m. Monday, and reported the attack. He said the trio was dressed in black.

Now, it may seem like that's awful elaborate just to get out of work. And that's mainly because it is. And seriously, is working at a blockbuster that bad? What do you do - arrange movies and hang out and watch movies all day. And occasionally deal with a dumb customer - but probably not that often since who goes to movie stores any more. Also - skinheads or Hispanic males?! Because if you're trying to sell a story about a trio and not being sure of their race or ethnicity, be sure to pick 2 that are in no way close to one another. "He was tall... or possibly very short. He had long long hair... but also might have been bald." "He was a very ugly man... but while they attacked me I thought of having sex with him"

Anyway, the article goes on to explain how he said it happened right by this Target, but surveillance videos basically showed no such thing happened. So the guy is arrested and charged with false blah blah whatever. And then he has the stones to say this,

"If you are going to concoct a story about being stabbed, don't do it near a Target store," said Davis.

THAT'S what you've come away from this having learned? How about like "If you don't want to go to work, don't stab yourself and concoct a story about being stabbed." Or, "If you hate your job, try and determine why and then think of ways to fix them and place those ideas in your work's suggestion box." Just kidding about that last one. That's stupid. I have a bunch of internet nerd friends much like myself (you are shocked, I know) and this one message board had a "suggestions" thread - I assume most message boards do - and the best thing I ever saw was a post entitled "I SUGGEST you stop being such assholes." But so now does this guy still work at Blockbuster? They have to have fired him, no? If the guy hated working there enough to stab himself not to have to go, and now they know this thanks to a huge news item there's no way they could keep him there. And here I always thought working at a video store was nothing but relaxing, Star Wars discussions, and witty banter with ignorant customers. Color me jaded. : (

Maybe You Shouldn't Drive?

2009-11-06T12:46:00.003-05:00

If I took a test, on a daily basis, for about 4 years, and not only didn't have the test completely memorized, but failed EVERY SINGLE TIME, I would probably give up. Or kill myself. Turns out a Miss Cha Sa-soon disagrees.

A woman in South Korea who tried to pass the written exam for a driver's license with near-daily attempts since April 2005 has finally succeeded on her 950th time.

The aspiring driver spent more than 5 million won ($4,200) in application fees, but until now had failed to score the minimum 60 out of a possible 100 points needed to get behind the wheel for a driving test.

Sorry guy - the picture of you next to 'persistent' is being replaced.

Seriously? How do you not at some point figure out some other option? And if you are not smart enough to pass a test you've taken, like 500 times, shouldn't someone stop her? I would think a reasonable number like, say, failing 10 times in a row would be ok to say "no more tests for you for a while." I guess South Korea is just nicer than I am. Or at least more willing to put their motorists at risk.

Now she must pass a driving test before getting her license, Choi said.

I wonder if bookies in South Korea are taking money on how many times she needs to take the driving test. What would the line be? in the 500 area? Does the written exam expire after a certain amount of time if she hasn't passed the driving portion? Why do AP articles never answer the questions I have about weird news? And before you think to yourself - Because, Pemulis, those questions are stupid and you are a moron - I'll just cut you off and tell you to pipe down and stop being such a big meanie jerk.

Repeated calls to Cha seeking comment went unanswered. She told the Korea Times newspaper she needed the license for her vegetable-selling business.

This is a 68 year old woman. Is she just now trying to start up a vegetable selling business? Or, at least, just in April of 2005? And so but how has she been transporting them until now?

I know you're expecting jokes about Asian drivers, or old people drivers. But that's beneath me. Sa-Soon isn't a menace to the road because of age or ethnicity. She shouldn't be allowed to drive because she's a woman. Man they're terrible at driving!

Hah! I guess I showed you guy--AHHHHHOMYGODMYPENIS

2009-06-05T11:49:00.008-04:00

Surely you've heard the phrase "cut off the nose to spite the face." I've got a new one for you:

Cut off the penis to spite the family.

(Oh by the way, if you happen to have a penis, prepare to shudder for the next hour. Or don't read this post.)

A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported Sunday.

WOW. Kinda makes piercing your ear in defiance look kinda tame...

Pfft...Pussy.

After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ, said a police official.

So...this guy is rebellious enough to CUT...OFF...HIS...FUCKING...PENIS...but not rebellious enough to...oh, I don't know, FUCKING RUN OFF AND ELOPE?

And other than the whole "discontinuing the bloodline" which I understand is really important in almost every culture, and it seems a lot of Middle Eastern cultures REALLY value its importance, um...WHO ELSE DOES THIS HURT BESIDES NOW-DICKLESS DUDE?

I mean, could you imagine what this scene would look like? WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO, FARTKNOCKER because I'm about to dramatize the hell out of it, with the help of two out-of-work former movie monster stars*:DudeWheresMyPenis:Dad? We need to talk.NotMyDongNotMyProblem:For the last time, you are NOT marrying that STREET RAT!!! Hehe, get it? Like, from Aladdin?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Woah dad, a little racist there, don't you think?

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Huh? Nah, I can do that 'cuz I'm Arabian. It's like how black people can use the n-word?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Woah, dad!

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Ok, ok. Too far. But I have told you my decision! You are a MILLIONAIRE, son! You cannot soil our family's good standing by marrying a SLUMDOG! Huh? You see what I did there?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Dude, that was about Indian people.

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: So?

DudeWheresMyPenis: So Indian people aren't Arab. Seriously, it sounds like an ill-informed white kid is telling you what to say. Anyway--

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Oh, hey, what happened to your penis?

DudeWheresMyPenis: I CUT IT OFF, DAD! SO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS I AM!
NotMyDongNotMyProblem: DAYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM THAT WAS STUPID!

DudeWheresMyPenis: Well now you'll HAVE to take me seriously!

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Um...why's that?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Bec-- what do you mean? I...I cut off my--

NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Yea I noticed. And?

DudeWheresMyPenis: Well, I-- um. I really hadn't thought much past cutting myOHHHHMYGODICUTOFFMYPENIS!!!!!!!!!!

...is how I imagine it went.

*Gabara and Anguiris appear courtesy of the Paul DeSnizarello B-List Kaiju Agency. No penises were harmed in the recreation of this scene.

The New Kid's Trip to "Da Room"

2009-05-29T11:57:00.014-04:00

Wednesday, May 27th; CitiField. Daniel Murphy has just hit a borderline homerun off the retarded Subway sign jut out in the right field stands. The initial call on the field is "in play"U1: In Plaaaaaaaaaay!U2: Dat's a review.U3: Oh shooore. Def'nitely a re-vyooo.

U1: Really? I'm pretty sure I got a good look at that one, looked like it almost knicked the--

U2: HUDDLE UP!U1: Guys, I know I'm new to the crew so I definitely don't want to step on toes, it's just that there's been so many reviews lately and--

U2: Hey kid, the fuck's open. Why don't you shut it up, huh?

U1: Wait what? I don't think I--

U2: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

U1: Oh. I get it now.

U3: Listen, dere, youngster. We gotta good little situation goin on here, if ya catch my drift.

U1: Um...I'm decidedly not catching your drift sorry. It's just that-- uh, guys? Why is Jerry Manuel staring and pointing at me?U1: Idunno guys, if Jerry's arm were like, 200 feet longer he'd be touching me right now. I think I'm going to eject him.

U2: That's the opposite of a good idea kid. I think he likes you. Heh. Hehe. C'mon. Let's go to Da Room.

U1: "Da Room"?

The three umpires enter into the dark hallway that leads to the CitiField replay review room. After about 40 yards of walking in complete darkness, they arrive at the door to Da Room.

U2: Welp. Go ahead, kid. Open the door.

U1: O...k...

Door swings open
U1: Oh G T F O!!! The Playhouse!?!? PEE-WEE?!?!?!!?

Pee-Wee: Sup.

U2: Welcome to the Mets payroll, kid!

U1: Excuse me?

U3: Oh shooore. We're ahn da books here at Shea--

U1: Citi.

U3: Who?

U1: Nevermind.

U3: So basically, we cahl any borderline homer fer replay review, and den we come back here, maybe have a sandwich, write a poem, "say hi to the bishop," whatever, and then we go back out and do the little home run twirly finger thingy.

U2: Well, I get to do the home run twirly finger thing.

U3: Right.

U1: Gentlemen, this is PREPOSTEROUS! I refuse, REFUSE to taint this greatest of all sports with something so vile, so under-handed, so--

U2: Do it or Cowboy Curtis rapes you to death.
C.C. God damned right I'll rape ya.

Several sandwiches later...HOOOOOOOOOOOOME RUUUUUUUUUN!!!

Ruh-Roh... or, conversely... Awesome?

2009-05-29T10:57:00.002-04:00

Do with the info I am about to present what you will.

Study shows withdrawal almost as good as using a condom

I don't even know what to say about this.

/exits quietly.

'IDOL' RUNNER-UP WON'T REVEAL SEXUALITY...Y'KNOW, ADAM? THE GAY ONE?

2009-05-28T11:08:00.009-04:00

So I was trolling the internet with duality in purpose: 1) to find pictures for an upcoming Mets-based 'Mauf post that's sure to inform and amuse* and 2) to distract myself from the worst heartburn of my life EVER, which may or may not have been a byproduct of having 3/4 of a bottle of wine to drink and 3/4 of a piece of bread to eat last night.

I failed in both endeavors. My chest still feels like a grade-schooler is trying to burn a hole through it using the sun and a magnifying glass, and I'm gonna blog about the gay dude from American Idol.

Excuse me...the "dude from American Idol that hasn't disclosed his sexuality publicly...but pretty much looks like he blows dudes on the reg."

Ok first, full disclosure: I don't watch 'Idol.' Never had. I've caught a little bit of some of the audition episodes over the year, but I always thought it sucked and a girl I dated in college had a crush on Clay Aiken and once jumped out of bed to watch one of his performances, so that pretty much sealed the deal for me.

It hurts being passed over for a dude who looks so gay that if he stood next to this other gay dude, the gay dude wouldn't even look gay any more. But I digress...

Adam Lambert says keep guessing on sexuality

...Gay! No? um...Super Gay!

Adam Lambert says role models come in a variety of different forms — even in eye makeup, fingernail polish and tight pants.

Role models in eye makeup, fingernail polish and tight pants usually all have something else too: a vagina.

"It's a really, really cool thing,"

It = being sodomized whilst on ecstasy

"to be able to show people that you can be yourself, and you should be proud of yourself, and you should own who you are and what you're about, and never make apologies for it."

"Yeah man, I'm just doing my own thing you know, just being myself, which happens to be identical to the douche who sings lead for Fall Out Boy. Hmmm...I wonder if he deepthroats?"

So to those who speculate about his sexuality, he has a message. "Calm down," he says, and "keep speculating."

Speculating on WHAT? He does know that this picture
is circulating on the internet??? I would assume he knows this pic is out there because apparently THE MOTHERFUCKER WORE THIS ON AMERICAN IDOL. Oh yea, and that's not the only pic on the net that kinda makes this article moot. I'm actually pretty sure THIS is what pisses me off so much. There isn't actually a story, because I'm pretty sure no one on this planet is weighing whether or not this dude's gay. Buuuuuuuut because 'American Idol' is such a big fuckin whoop-dee-deal, we'll pay attention to anything any of the fucks on that show say. Paula "You can literally see the back of my skull if you look into my eyes" Abdul made it a point to let the world know she had never been drunk (probably while slurring her words, swaying back and forth and failing to be able to maintain eye contact) and the story got picked up by everyone. I hear next week Randy from the show is finally going to break his silence and let everyone know whether or not he's a black dude.

I'd like to say that I do not mean this post to gay-bash whatsoever. I'd go through the whole lazy white liberal "I have gay friends and bla bla bla" thing, but I frankly don't care what you suspect my level of acceptance to be. I'm a lover, man. Not a hater.

All I'm sayin is that straight dudes generally don't wear more makeup than the whores on Manhattan's West End. And they generally don't try to copy the haircut of that bitch from Jon and Kate Plus 8. And they generally don't blow 12 guys by lunchtime. Which is what I imagine Adam does every day.

I MEAN, not that I actually imagine it or wonder what it might be like just once to--

This post is finished. I'm going to go spit and scratch myself and look at boobs.

*Note: Mets post will likely be neither amusing nor informative.

Paul DeSnizarello: B-List Kaiju Agent

2009-05-20T12:30:00.010-04:00

For those of you who were busy losing your virginity in High School, "Kaiju" is the Japanese term used when referring to all of the monsters in the seemingly endless Godzilla movie series. Like all movie stars, Kaiju need agents. Paul DeSnizarello is one such agent.
PAUL'S OFFICE IN RECIDA, CA - Top 40 radio plays softly in the background as Mr. DeSnizarello trolls the internet for pornography

P DeS: "...if ya like it then ya shoulda put a ring on it...hmm hmm hmmm...

whackwhackwhackwhack

[there is a knock at the door]

P DeS: WOAH! Um, hold- hold on there, I'm um...gimme a minute!

Voice: Mr. Snizarello?

P DeS: Hold ON, God dammit! Ok...ok, come in.
Anguirus: Hi Paulie.

P DeS: Angilas!! Baby, boobie, what's shakin?

Anguirus: It's Anguirus.

P DeS: Are you sure?

Anguirus: What the fuck are you-- yes, I'm sure.

P DeS: We should talk about changing that name of yours.

Anguirus: Dude we've been through this well over 30 times already. I'm not changing my name...I'm staying true to my heritage.

P DeS: Your fucked-up-looking-turtle/dog-thingy heritage?

Anguirus:...

Yes.

P DeS: How about somethin classy, like...Angilas.

Anguirus: SNIZ!

P DeS: Ok, ok...jeez. So what's happ'nin captain?

Anguirus: I need work, Paulie. I need to gig, to go out on auditions, to really get a chance to hone all of the nuances to my perfor--

P DeS: Tough market right now, Angie.

Anguirus: You've been saying that since 1987.

P DeS: 'Strue.

Anguirus: What about commercials? I mean, I could do a campaign for Apple! They've gotta be getting rid of that "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" shit soon, right? Maybe a guest spot on "House" or something? Are the Power Rangers still on air?

P DeS: Angie. Baby. Boobie. Bubuluh. Boopie. Bingie. Bangie. Boongie.

Anguirus: What the hell are you doing?

P DeS: (shrugs) I figured if I kept saying words you'd forget why you came here. And look! It worked! I have no clue why you're here!

Anguirus: Well I remember, jackass. I need WORK, Paulie! Look, I was Godz--

P DeS: Godzilla's first enemy waaaay back in 1955 before it was cool to be a Kaiju, yes I know, I know. I've only heard you tell the damned Godzilla Raids Again story about ten thousand times now...

Anguirus: That movie-- nay, film, was a classic, Paulie, AND YOU KNOW IT. Finest in the franchise. And I carried that whole damn project. Carried it right on my back, I did, you and I both know that Gojira-- oh, excuse me, "Godzilla" couldn't act his way out of a fucking PAPER BAG back then and-- Paul what the hell are you laughing at?

P DeS: I's just laughin at picturin you wit somethin on your back on account of you got all dem freaky spikey deformities.

Anguirus: You're a real dickhead sometimes, Paul. I mean, c'mon! You've done some great stuff for some of your other clients. Jet Jaguar has his own late night talk show in Osaka, and you landed Rodan the lead on that HBO series. Where's MY love, Paulie? When's it MY time to shine?

P DeS: Ok, you wanna know the truth? You wanna know the real reason I ain't been sending you out? It's cuz NO ONE IS AXIN FOR YA. Ok??? That make ya feel better?

Anguirus: But WHY? I went to NYU! I have a DEGREE IN ACTING from NYFUCKINGU, did you tell them THAT?

P DeS: You're a DIVA, Angie, ok? That's what it is...

Anguirus: Well I NEVER IN ALL MY--

P DeS: Then, of course...there's the video.

Anguirus: Um...what ever do you mean? I'm not...aware of any...video...

P DeS: This one:

Anguirus: Oh Jesus Christ, that thing's like 15 years old!! We were a little tipsy one night and-- wait, why did you have that video already up on your computer?

P DeS: Um...

Uh...

Research?

Anguirus: Whatever! And what the hell's up with Gojira anyway? I haven't heard from "Mr. Hollywood" in forever now! I thought we were going to start workshopping that buddy comedy we were going to pitch to CBS.

P DeS: Yea...um...about that...

Anguirus: Oh you are FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT? RIGHT???? THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOES ONE GODDAMN FILM WITH MATTHEW BRODERICK AND HE THINKS HE'S LEO GODDAMN DE FUCKING CAPRIO!

[Anguirus storms out]

P DeS: Pfft. Actors.

Follow The Leader

2009-05-20T10:02:00.004-04:00

December 20th, 1982

[Int - Maternity Ward - Virginia]

Richard Alpert: Hello. I represent a very powerful organization. I'm told there's a boy being born here today. Are you Mr. and Mrs. Wright, and is this your son David?

Mrs. Wright: Yes.. how can we help you?

[Alpert runs out]

...........................................................................................................................................................

1988, Virginia

[INT - Wright household]

Richard Alpert: Hello David. My name is Richard. I've been told by someone you may be very special. I've got a test I'd like you to take.

[Richard lays out 3 objects. One is a baseball bat, one is some candy, one is a picture of a man choking to death on a cool fall day]

Richard: David, I want you to tell me which one of these has always belonged to you.

David: Ooooh candy! [grabs and eats candy]

Richard storms out of the house.

...........................................................................................................................................................

2009, Flushing, New York

Ilana: Who plays third base for the Mets?

Frank Lipidus: Uhhh... David Wright?

Bram: Ok, maybe he's a candidate.

Frank: For what?

Bram knocks Frank unconscious.

Ilana: Richard, who plays third base for the Mets?

Richard (in Latin): He who will save us all.

Ilana: We have something to show you.
Ilana opens crate to reveal....

Steve Phillips: Hi! You know Richard, I know you've been looking at this David Wright kid for a long time. I'm just not sure he's got the mental toughness to be a leader yet. It seems like maybe he's got some humps to get over and I'm not sure he'll ever get there. He just seems to lack a killer instinct and a locker room presence that a team leader needs to have. He lacks the heart and grit of say a David Eckstein. That's the type of guy who comes to a team and just wins. I also think this team should trade Carlos Beltran, and I'm certain that the holocaust never happened. What do you think, Joe?

To be honest with you Steve I haven't seen enough one way or the other to comment on whether or not the holocaust actually happened. I also haven't seen enough of Wright to say one way or the other whether his heart is truly in it and if he can be the leader of this ballclub. That being said I think this year he is the Mets MVP, hands down, without a doubt.

Entirety of people on the island: JULIET, DO THE DAMN THING NOW!!!!

See you all in an alternate future where we don't have to listen to moronic assholes say stupid things about your team!

Sometimes You Have to Think Outside the Bun

2009-05-19T10:20:00.003-04:00

If I were ever about to taken to jail, or in the middle of a high speed car chase, I don't know where my mind would be. I would imagine though, at no point would I think to myself: I might be going to jail for a while, better get a fourth meal.

Officials say a suspected drug dealer who led police on a 90 mph chase in Indiana was arrested after he stopped suddenly at a Taco Bell parking lot.

Fort Wayne police Sgt. Mark Walters says 36-year-old Jermaine Askia Cooper told officers he "knew he was going to jail for a while" and wanted to get one last burrito. He did not get the burrito, police said.

So, if you're ever about to be arrested, and leading police on a high speed chase, and you stop, you might not have time to get a burrito while you stop? Well I'll be. At least in my extended absence people haven't gotten any smarter, that's really reassuring. So what was the rumpus to being with?

Cooper was held without bail on four counts of dealing cocaine, one count of resisting arrest by fleeing and other charges.

Ah. Fair enough. So the coke explains the high speed chase and the logic FAIL, but if he was all coked up you'd think food was the last thing on his mind. You couldn't get me to eat taco bell even if you put some borderline midget washed up old playmate in the commercial...

You think she's hot shoving that phallic burrito into her mouth? Just imagine her on the toilet with violent diarrhea 30 seconds after that first bite. [boi oi oi oi oing]

My Soapbox Was Being Repainted, You See...

2009-03-25T10:43:00.005-04:00

I find it funny that whenever Pem or I don't post on this blog for an extended period of time, there's always an explanation, either in the beginning of a post or in an actual post of its own.

It's funny, you see, because I'd be willing to bet that not a god damned person reads this site regularly (unless Pem or I force feed them a link to the articles) so the notices are for each other, I suppose.

...even though we spend roughly 7 hours a day G-Chatting. So we know good and god damned well when we're writing and when we're not. So what's with the "addressing the crowd" stuff?

For me, I like to believe that somewhere out there in some shit town, someone whose name is perhaps Jimmy Sulvaro, accidentally happened across our site (perhaps googling "chimp testicles"?) a while back and has been loyally checking in, reading up, rolling on the floor laughing his ass off (damn I wish there was a shorter way to type that out) and just too shy to leave a comment, lest Pem and I use our destructively powerful wit to rip his comment to shreds, leaving him a shell of a human being.

Well Jimmy, we're back...and it's all for you, big guy!!!

...and don't even THINK about commenting...you little pussy.

Cue the Courtney Hazlett Theme Song!!!

Let's Scoop this bitch.

Chris Brown and Rihanna are taking a break

Well, I haven't really said my piece about this charming little story yet, so here goes...

YOUR MAMA TOLD YOU "DON'T HIT GIRLS." SO DON'T. FUCKING. HIT. GIRLS.

It has really, really surprised me that so many people, whether on the street, in the media, whatever that want to make excuses for Chris. "He's just 19." "Oh, well she was hitting him." "Rihanna ain't as good a singer as Chris so fuck dat bitch." And the like.

Listen,

Am I saying the kid should get life in jail and be deprived from the rest of his life for this one event? No, of course not. People make mistakes, and teenagers make a shitload of mistakes and child celebrities make so many god damned mistakes that it seems like some evil villain has kidnapped their family "24"-style and are now controlling that celebrity to do horribly stupid and destructive stuff all the time.

But this guy didn't just slap his girlfriend. He punched her. Repeatedly. BEFORE CHOKING HER OUT. So the next time you hear some stupid motherfucker say something like "well, you know if a girl come atchyou an' she slappin' you and shit, whassyous'posedtodo?" ask them what they'd be saying right now if Rihanna had died. And then tell them to listen to their mama and stop being a waste of life. And then remind them proper etiquette is to shake a bitch, not hit them.

Aaaand yea. I think I'm done here.

I Guess You Could Say it Was a Hairy Situation

2009-03-03T12:43:00.004-05:00

I thought my headline was stupid, until I saw that news item's "unbeweaveable". I feel much better about myself. Anyway. I'd like to point out that the newsie-guy says that she thanks God a lot. I am still trying to figure out what for. I also enjoy that mister Pepitone says that it went down thusly: "He still loves you!" "Well I'm sorry, but I do not love him anymore". BANG BANG BANG SUPERWEAVE!

On a random note, for the next few hours, I imagine that 'unbeweavable' may take over 'Crumbelievable' as dumbest thing to replace 'unbelievable' in that EMF song to be stuck in my head.

I don't have too much else to add to this, because... well, what do you say? Good luck telling this broad her weave looks stupid now, though.

Actually. She mentions she's 'invested' a lot of money in this weave of hers. How much does a weave cost? A google search of 'weaves' - first page that showed up was 'brownskin.net'. Does that make google racist? Alright. I've spent way too much time trying to figure out how much a weave costs (roughly 3 minutes), and I've gotten no answer, and don't particularly care.

Back From The Dead?

2009-03-03T11:51:00.004-05:00

No. Not really. My work of late has had me traveling quite a bit and unable to post. That is to say, I'm very lazy. Anyway, I've also been doing a good bit of reading. Here are some of the choice books I've read of late:

Einstein's Dreams, by Alan Lightman.

Explorer's of the New Century, by Magnus Mills.

Carry On, Jeeves, by P.G. Wodehouse

The Master and Margarita, by Mikhail Bulgakov

and for any other baseball nerds out there, Whatever Happened to The Hall of Fame, by Bill James.

I'd also like to point out that the Mets play the Cardinals today at 1pm on SNY. Yes it is spring training, and yes I will be watching it. You go to hell. Don't you judge me. Unless it's a beauty contest and you're considering giving me the blue ribbon. If that's the case, judge away.

Oh it is SO ON. Epilogue

2009-02-26T12:37:00.001-05:00

Dustin Sussman AKA Metabolism Music Videos SPIKE.com

This is dsussman. The one "rapping." I...it's...I just...kill yourself. Is what I think I'm trying to say here.

Oh it is SO ON. Part 3

2009-02-10T11:44:00.005-05:00

Part 1.

Part 2.

"The List."

Well, we've made it this far, boys and girls. We've gone through 5 big steaming piles of dumb, and we've got 5 more to go. And, whooooo boy, if you thought #10 thru #6 were nonsensical, baseless and generally stupid, buckle up. Cuz the next 3 songs are by rappers on MTV's GREATEST MCs OF ALL TIME LIST. (And yea I know it's MTV, but check out the list. I pretty much agree other than one or two randoms.)

5. “Lose Yourself” – Eminem

Ok, maybe you didn't like 8 Mile? I mean, the concept was a little stupid, let's get Eminem to play Eminem in a movie about the life of Eminem, but I personally thought it was pulled off fairly well and

8 Mile was a pretty good movie,

Oh. Um. Then why the fuck would you put this on the list?

we all know that this song caused the end of Eminem.

Oh, friend. You have to know deep down that you have no clue what you are speaking of, and that generally when bullshitting your way through something, using the phrase "we all know" is going to piss someone off. Because when you say that you take on the position of speaking "for all of us." You, sir, do NOT. I repeat NOT speak for me.

Everything he did after this was complete sentimental bulls**t.

This was the next single Marshall Mathers released after "Lose Yourself"

Wow, that is pretty sentimental there! You fucking twit.

If it wasn’t for the popularity of this song, he probably would have never attempted more hip-pop ballads such as "Like Toy Soldiers" and "When I'm Gone."

Really? Because on "The Eminem Show" (the album he released before "Lose Yourself" was released) he had "ballads" such as "Hailie's Song" and "Sing For the Moment" where he fucking rapped over a pre-existing Aerosmith ballad.

So I'm going to go ahead and say yes, Eminem probably would have attempted to make more "hip-pop" (that's adorable by the way) ballads even if "Lose Yourself" never happened because he had been doing it already and having success with it and oh my God why the hell did you write this list?

Marshall was never the same MC after the release of this song.

You're soooooo totes right, Dustin! He was never the same MC again, in the fact that the only CD he's released since then, "Encore," was pretty sub-par (but only relative to his other albums). He then took a hiatus to go be with his family, and has a new CD coming out this year. So you can go ahead and stop talking about him like he's dead.

Oh, and
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE "DEATH" OF HIP HOP? IT'S ONE FUCKING GUY WHO STARTED TO FALL OFF A TEENSY WEENSY BIT AFTER, I REPEAT, AFTER THIS SONG, AND NOT BECAUSE OF THIS SONG.

If you're insinuating that hip hop lives and dies with Eminem, let me say from one white boy to another white boy: fuck off, white boy.

4. "Big Pimpin’" - Jay-Z

You'll now see the graceful, timeless dance of the writer who knows he's about to piss off his entire readership by saying some punk ass buster shit. First, he machine guns a list of reasons why this song has no earthly business being considered for this list, let alone on this list, let a-FUCKING-lone higher on this list than "Ice, Ice, Baby."

I understand that this song is the straight up jizzy jam

You just said jizzy jam. Kill yourself.

and [it] helped push the underground Houston legends UGK into the mainstream

Ah yes, because we all know that every time hip hop artists who've remained underground to retain their integrity are rewarded with a little fame and fortune and manage to maintain that integrity, hip hop dies a little.

Now that the writer has prefaced his argument with the fact that his argument is poor, he makes his argument.

but this track was one of the biggest reasons why hip-hop turned pop in the in the early 2000s.

OH MY--

I can't---

I don't evenAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHA;OIE4JV578K8BY045VM0JPC3N7-V34898XS5890X890XSE5SVTNOPSVOVDNUTNPRUOVT8PVN9T498BYPBR9VTP

I just tried to eat my own face.

Dustin,

This is an amazing track. The production is fucking amazing. The lyrics are off the "hizzy hook" (see, I can make up terrible sounding slang words too!). The video is visually beautiful. Everything about this song is awesome. That's why it was popular. I'm assuming you didn't mean "pop" as in "popular," though. I'm assuming you meant "pop" as sugary, soft, pre-packaged and artificial. Read my...um...typing:

BIG PIMPIN IS NONE OF THESE THINGS FRIEND.

I do realize the roots of hip-hop came from upbeat party raps,

You clearly do not, sir.

but this song helped open the doors for a slew of untalented hacks trying to make some loot through the TRL pipeline.

Ya know what? You are completely right. It's totally this fuckin' song's fault that "Walk it Out" ended up on MTV. It's also "Smells Like Teen Spirit"'s fault for Nickelback. And I blame Aretha Franklin's rendition of "Respect" for Amy Winehouse. I also blame "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by the Police for 9/11, because like Mr. Sussman I'm a complete shithead.

Oh wait. I'm not. Just him.

3. "Mo Money Mo Problems" - The Notorious B.I.G.

The ghost of Biggie Smalls is so going to fuck your world up for this one.

I do love this song,

WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOUR CRITERIA FOR THIS LIST?!?!?!?!? "Well it's not that the song's bad, and I don't think it directly "killed" hip hop, but there's one part of it that I kinda sorta don't like so ok it's on the list."

but when Biggie passed away in 1997, Puff Daddy basically thought he had a free pass to do whatever he wanted just as long as he added “Biggie is the greatest of all time” at the end of every sentence.

And? You do realize that Puffy was the one to discover Biggie, and produced both of Biggie's albums, and that we might not know who Christopher Wallace is without Sean "Puffy" Combs, right? I'm not saying I love the dude, and I'm definitely not saying he can rap, but I think he gets a bit too much shit. "Oh how DARE he continue his career after the death of his friend?!? Everyone knows the proper thing to do is to vanish into obscurity and run an Alpaca farm!"

When I fist saw the video for “Mo Money” my jaw pretty much dropped off.

It would've been more useful for me if your hands had fallen off. Then I wouldn't have to generate roughly 800,000,000 words about how terrible of an internet list-maker you are. I have things to do, Dustin!

It was the complete opposite of anything Biggie had done in the past...It was bright, candy-coated and extravagant on a whole new level.

Yep, Biggie had never done any over-the-top extravagant videos. Ever. Except, maybe the one released immediately before this one, for "Hypnotize." Biggie is alive and well in that video, not edited in, so we can assume he was aware of his surroundings (unless they kept him on animal tranquilizers or something). In this video, there are mermaids swimming in the walls of Biggie's home. There are ridiculous backwards car chases (while rapping!). Biggie and Puff have matching suits. At one point Biggie is wearing a silk shirt that defies explanation it's so over-the-top. So again, Dustin, you are the opposite of correct. Oh and if you're wondering why I've stopped including his lame arguments as to how these songs "killed" hip hop, it's because he's stopped including them. You can tell that he really didn't have any idea on how to approach this list until the last 2, where we finally (sorta) get some worthwhile...nevermind, it all sucks.

2. Any Song Featuring Auto-Tune Vocals

His first valid choice. And he manages to fuck it up.

"Any Song Featuring Aut-Tune Vocals?" Any of 'em? Well then maybe PICK ONE. Really. Almost every single one of these choices have been "the start of a slippery slope," and the one time, the one fucking time you would've been accurate in saying that, you don't pick a song.

"SONG X helped 'kill' hip hop because after ARTIST X released that track, everyone and their mamas started using Auto-Tuner, which basically masks your actual voice to make it sound like you can sorta carry a tune maybe and pretty much made 90% of popular hip hop tracks sound like utter and complete garbage."

But no. So ok maybe he just doesn't know who made it popular so he couldn't

Since 2005, Florida native T-Pain has been throwing out an endless string of hollow hip-hop hits

MAYBE THEN YOU SHOULD'VE CHOSEN T-PAIN'S FIRST SINGLE AS THE FUCKING SONG THEN YOU EXHAUSTING BASTARD!

1. "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" - Soulja Boy Tell 'Em

Oh dangit. I had my money on "I Get Around" by Tupac for the fact that it "opened the door" to shitcakes like Soulja Boy.

Mr. Sussman, a suggestion: if you are going to write a top 10 list and cannot come up with any actual ideas after #2, you might want to consider a different theme for the list. Also: God you suck, dude.

Some of you might say that criticizing the writing of an Internet Top 10 List Writer is like pistol-whipping a blind kid...

You should know that I fucking love pistol-whipping blind children.

Oh it is SO ON. Part 2

2009-02-10T09:29:00.006-05:00

Part 1.

"The List."

Ok. Lessgo.

9. "Me So Horny" - 2 Live Crew

As funny as this song was in back in 1989

Aaaaaaaaand stop. You've already made this selection moot. Congratulations.

How could a song that was released in Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Nine, 4 years before Tupac gained noteriety, 5 years before Biggie's debut album, SEVEN FUCKING YEARS BEFORE THE GRAMMYS ADDED A BEST RAP CATEGORY have helped to "kill" hip hop?

Maybe if this was some ingenius time bomb situation where the song slowly crept into the minds of MCs everywhere until there was a major (if indirect) negative impact on the genre of music and community as a whole, MAYBE then put it on the list. Is that your assertion, Mr. Sussman? What are your feelings on "Me so Horny?"

nothing more than shock-pop crap that had no place in the world of hip-hop

That might be why 2 Live Crew isn't around any more. Oh, and one more thing:

THIS SONG DID THE ABSOLUTE OPPOSITE OF "KILLING" HIP HOP, YOU WET SMELLY BRAINFART OF A HUMAN.

Sussman makes a throw away comment that

the lyrical content in their songs had conservatives like George Will shaking in his boots

and then moves on to other nonsensical assinine assertions. What he fails to mention? That the sheriff of the county where 2 Live Crew lived lobbied to get the album listed as "pornography" and later "illegal contraband" because he didn't like colored folk talking about sex. The fucked up thing about it was that a judge in Florida agreed with him, and made the album illegal. ILLEGAL. A local retailer was arrested for selling the album after it was outlawed and several members of 2 Live Crew were arrested for performing live (yes, I'm getting this all from wikipedia, Mr. Sussman. You could have too).

Well what the hell is my point?

In 1992, the United States Court of Appeals for the Eleventh Circuit overturned the obscenity ruling from Jose Gonzales, and the Supreme Court of the United States refused to hear Broward County's appeal.

This is when THE SUPREME COURT stood up for hip hop as a valid form of expression protected under the First Amendment.

In conclusion, (of #9, that is...we're nowhere CLOSE to done) dsussman put the song that basically ensured future rappers the right to rap about whatever they choose on a list of the top 10 songs that killed hip hop.

Oh my God, dsussman. You suck. In fact, you're dsucksman from here on out. Yea I know, a little weak but WHATEVER. IT STANDS.

8. "Ice Ice Baby" – Vanilla Ice

Oh thank God, Dustin. This makes sense. It's so obvious that a human raised by chinchillas in the hills of Argentina who has never come in contact with another person or so much as heard another human voice would know that it belongs on this list. Now, go ahead and mercilessly pummel Mr. Ice and we'll continue with our business.

I had no choice for this one.

No, you pretty much didn't. This, along with a certain large pant-wearing MC named after a tool, marked the beginning of rap's true commericalization. This is the time when record companies tried to make rap music...well, acceptable for old white people. Which was all well and good but this is really where stuff started to

I feel like Vanilla was a pretty sincere dude when it came down to his music.

Excuse me?

The guy was spittin’ Miami raps,

Oh God no. You're defending him, aren't you?

throwin’ down synchronized dance moves and just plain doin’ his thing.

...

...

I just killed someone. Harold from accounting. I went into the men's room here at the office to break a window or bash a urinal, something, ANYTHING to diffuse the rage that Mr. Sussman has just awoken by defending Vanilla Ice, and there was Harold. "Hi Mike," he said. "Bye Harold," I replied. I put him in the stall that's always out of order. Hopefully no one will find him for a while.

/takes deep breath

Mr. Sussman. How on EARTH can you try to defend Vanilla Ice? You had no problem claiming 50 Cent has this anti-music evil commerical empire agenda going on, or dismissing the relevance of 2 Live Crew in hip hop, but you feel it necessary to defend VANILLA FUCKING ICE? Please. Continue.

But back in 1990, this song pretty much took on a life of its own and would go on to be one of the more hated songs in hip-hop history.

"Pretty much took on a life of its own?" What's that even supposed to mean, in this context? It's pop music. That's sorta how it works. You market a song, put it out on the radio and if you're lucky it "takes a life of its own" and gets popular. Pop. Music. Popular. Music. Savvy? As for it becoming one of the more hated songs in hip-hop history? Give me one good fucking reason it doesn't deserve to be hated. This dude was fucking corny as all get out, the lyrics suck (I frankly don't care that you and all your boys from high school would TOTALLY scream every word at all the semis after getting drunk on wine coolers), and HE BLATANTLY STEALS FROM A DAVID BOWIE SONG AND TRIES TO PASS IT OFF AS A DIFFERENT SONG. This is a HUGE reason that sampling has been underrated as an art form, because of dipshits like this going on TV and saying "mines is like 'ding ding ding dingading ding,' while his is all 'ding ding ding dingdingding ding,' so it's like totes diff."

It’s kinda sad that this man had no control of how people in the hip-hop community would react to the popularity of this record.

It's kinda sad you likely got paid to make this list, Dustin.

7. "Too Legit To Quit" - MC Hammer

Christ. I feel like we're 10,000 words into this bitch and I've covered three fucking songs. Whatever. Onward!

I can’t deny that “Addams Groove” was a worse song than “Too Legit,”

Then why did you choose 2 Legit? Addams Groove was a worse song, and it was (as far as I can remember) the first time a rap song was written for and about a movie, which began a really terrible string of cross-marketing rap songs (most notably terrible would include Wild Wild West and the Rugrats Rap Song, which I still can't decide is the worst or best thing created by humans to date). That would've been something you could argue helped "kill" hip hop. But no. You decided to go with 2 Legit 2 Quit. Explain yourself, young man.

Hammer’s first single off his 1991 LP seemed to almost flush the entire hip-hop/rap scene down the crapper.

How, exactly?

The size and scope of “Too Legit” helped push Hammer even further away from his musical roots in Oakland

The roots that were apparently healthy and full of "realness" when he dropped "Can't Touch This" lookin likethis?

If it wasn’t for The Chronic, I don’t know what I would have done with myself.

OMG YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOO COOL FOR SHOUTING OUT THE CHRONIC!!! OMG YOU LISTENED TO DR. DRE AND SNOOP AT THE SAME TIME EVERYONE ELSE IN AMERICA WAS LISTENING TO THEM?!?!?!?!?! OMG YOU ARE SO TOTES GANGTSTA LOLCATZ!!!11!1!ONE!!1!!

By the way: 2 Legit 2 Quit was released in 1991. The Chronic was released in 1995. So way to completely make up an anecdote to make yourself seem cool.

Such a douche.

6. "Gettin' Jiggy wit It" - Will Smith

I give Will Smith credit for making clean hip hop for the masses, but when Big Willie Style dropped in 1997 I had honestly had enough.

Me too, dsucksman. Wow, maybe we would be friends if we met each other. Now how did this help to "kill" hip hop?

It was like a hip-hop covers record from start to finish.

Okaaaaaay...and this helped kill hip hop becaaaaauuuse...

...

?

"Just the Two of Us"? Fresh Prince, please.

dsucksman, this is not a "Top 10 Hip Hop Songs That I Personally Don't Care For," it's a list that...you know what? Forget it. Just...forget it.

to be continued...

Oh it is SO ON. Part 1

2009-02-09T13:58:00.008-05:00

Alright.

So a lot of times on this site, I'm a bit...what's the word...prickly? in regards to the heights of human stupidity we are all forced to deal with on a daily basis. I'll curse and put words in all caps and make faces like
and generally it's all just a good spirited romp through my repressed anger and general bitterness toward the populace.

However.

When you are a casual hip hop fan and decide to write a terrible, half-assed top ten list about the songs that "killed hip hop" and manage to get it onto Spike.com, know that I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.

Or at least tear your list to shreds. Either way, I'm totally cool with whatever.

The Top 10 Songs That Killed Hip-Hop

Let me begin by saying there's nothing wrong with writing a list like this. It's a super interesting idea, and an literary hip hop head could go a number of different ways with it. Was it commercialization that "killed" hip hop, was it the East/West rap war, was it Crunk Juice, etc. A lot you can do with this. Dustin Sussman, the aged piece of Fromunda Cheese that wrote this steaming pile, chose to make the list the opposite of interesting. Or accurate. Or defenisible. Or non fucking retarded.

One more thing before we begin (Christ, we haven't even STARTED yet??). I am a small white boy who also happens to be (at least in my humble opinion) an accomplished MC. I can rap. Like, I can fucking rap. I know first hand how dumb it is to look at someone and assume that you can tell whether or not they are "hip hop" or not. That being said, this douchefuck SHOULD NOT BE WRITING HIP HOP ARTICLES.

If you're not at work, roll up a fatty to this one...if you are at work, get high at lunch and read the shit out of this. Let's fucking crip walk.

Hip-hop just may be the most popular music genre on the face of the planet and for good reason. It’s raw, real and unpredictable.

Dude! Totally bitchin' non-statement here, brah. I mean, "raw, real and unpredictable?" Somebody made you do this list, didn't they dsussman? This is like bio homework to you, isn't it. Tip for next time: DON'T FUCKING WRITE THE LIST THEN.

But in recent years the music revolution that started in New York over 25 years ago

I mean, he's right...it did start over 25 years ago...it also started over 30 years ago...and some people believe it actually started over 35 years ago, so...way to not look it up and just guestimate like 17 words into your article.

For some reason, wannabe hip-hop artists with little talent have decided to pervert the genre by manufacturing bubblegum garbage for the masses.

Well, jinkies!!! That's just plumb awful!! Why, that hasn't happened to every single genre of music that has gained popularity in the history of the recording industry or ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!! This is the first big red flag that this dude has no business compiling this list. People who don't think hip hop is a viable form of music will always point to some terrible manufactured radio song that appeals to the lowest common denominator and try to use it as the quintessential hip hop song. No, assmouth, the hip hop community doesn't consider "I Ain't Never Scurred" to be one of its cornerstones.

Oh and by the way, two of the biggest "rock" bands in the US today are Nickleback and the Jonas Brothers. Would you like them to be the representatives for rock music as a whole? Didn't think so. Point taken? Thought so. Stop? Hah.

No.

#10: "In Da Club" 50 Cent

Let's hit the ground running!

I’ll be the first to admit that I thought this song was the jam when it first came out

I'll be the first to admit that when this song came out in 2003, calling a good song "the jam" had already been played out for, like, 10 years.

Now I'm not saying this song is bad,

'the fuck did you put it on a list of the top 10 songs that killed hip hop for then?

but when Fiddy first came on the mainstream pop scene in 2003 he pulled off one of the greater magic tricks in all of music.

This...should be good. And by good I mean unabashedly retarded.

This man was creating the illusion that he was a real artist trying to speak for the streets

Really? His song "In Da Club" was an attempt to speak for a marginalized populace and tell the stories of their struggles persecution and eventual rise to greatness in this country? I kinda thought it was more about partying...you know...in the club?

lo and behold he was just a businessman who didn’t seem to care about the music he was attempting to represent.

Ok, you know what? I actually think he has a point buried somewhere here. 50 Cent has really fallen off as an artist after Get Rich or Die Tryin'. In fact, after Get Rich or Die Tryin', Fitty's career has really taken a steady path away from music and toward entrepeneurialism. This is only a problem because 50 uses contrived "beef" with other rappers to promote his albums and since he can't really...what's the word...um...rap well, he has to bring disputes "off the track" as they say (just ask Rick Ross). Why, after Get Rich or Die Tryin' you might just say that 50's career contributed to "killing" hip hop.

SO WHY THE FUCKING FUCK WOULD YOU PUT THE MOST SUCCESSFUL SINGLE FROM THE MAN'S MOST HIGHLY ACCLAIMED ALBUM ON THIS FUCKING LIST?!?!!?!?

It's like putting Weezer on a top 10 worst rock albums list and using "Pinkerton." IT'S JUST FUCKING DUMB.

to be continued...

OH I CALL BULLSH*T

2009-02-09T12:40:00.004-05:00

This is an article about Suresh Joachim and his successful new "world record" for longest time watching TV nonstop.

STOCKHOLM — Suresh Joachim has broken his own Guinness world record for nonstop broadcast-television watching

See? Told you. So anyway, Suresh Joachim watched TV nonstop for 72 hours, which beats the previous record holder...um...Suresh Joachim, whose time was 69 hours, 48 minutes. How did this end up on the Mauf?

Because there's no GD way in H that this F-ing A-hole C-sucker is the F-ing World Record Holder for F-ing longest GD TV watching session. F.

How do I know this? I'm pretty sure 72 straight hours of TV is too short a time to even be my personal best, let alone best ever out of anyone ever. Oh, and

Joachim, a Sri Lanka native who lives in Toronto, watched three seasons of the drama series "24" featuring Kiefer Sutherland, said Swedish TV4 spokeswoman Janina Witkowski.

DUDE WASN'T EVEN WATCHING TV!!! I've personally sat through Season 1 of 24 the entire way through without stopping, and had any other seasons been available on DVD at the time, you bet your sweet, well defined asscheeks that I would've continued on.

"I drank between 25 and 30 cups of coffee," Joachim said Sunday

This dude is a pussy on wheels. I WAS DRINKING BEER AND SMOKING GODLESS AMOUNTS OF MARIJU*NA WHEN I TACKLED THE FIRST SEASON YOU LIL BITCH, I WAS WORKING AGAINST MYSELF AND STILL MANAGED TO DO IT.

Fuckin' Sri Lankans currently living in Canada.

BREAKING NEWS: PETA MEMBERS STILL MORONS

2009-02-05T09:51:00.008-05:00

O.M.FUCKING.G.

JERUSALEM — A leading animal advocacy group said the road to Mideast peace begins in a pita.

Opening sentence. No word of lie.

Listen.

I know that animals need advocates because obviously they can't speak for themselves. I know that there are a lot of truly terrible things that humans do to animals, and there needs to be a group that helps to bring these things to light. But, um,

FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD PETA, THIS IS A MILLENIA-OLD RELIGIOUS WAR THAT HAS IMPLICATIONS THAT AFFECT EVERYONE ON THE PLANET, AND HAS NOTHING, LET ME REPEAT, NOTHING, LET ME REPEAT AGAIN, NO-THING TO DO WITH BEING VEGAN OR NOT RACING HORSES OR WHATEVER'S GOT SAND IN YOUR VA-JAY-JAY THIS WEEK. BUTT. THE FUCK. OUT.

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has requested Israel's permission to post pro-vegetarian signs on both sides of its barriers with the West Bank and the Gaza Strip.

Hi, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert?AAAAAALLLLOOOOOOOO DEEEERE SAAAARAAAAAH.

SMcL: Right... so, listen I want to talk to you about this Israeli/Palestinian conflict. I think I have an idea that will help.

Ehud: A newly drafted peace settlement?

SMcL: No.

Ehud: A new type of WMD so we can just get this thing over with?

SMcL: No.

Ehud: Blowjob?

SMcL: Ew.

Ehud: Well what then?!?

SMcL: Did you know that if everyone on Earth was a vegan, we'd be saving the lives of millions of animals every year??? Why, the animals killed for fur alone number in the--

Ehud: OMFUCKING G, are you kidding? 'The fuck out of here with that bullshit!

PETA's signs are in Hebrew and in English. They feature Israelis and Palestinians sitting down for a meat-free meal along with the slogans: "Give Peas a Chance," and "Nonviolence Begins on Our Plates: Go Vegetarian."

Can you imagine being an Israeli or a Palestinan in the midst of this terrible violence, living under a shadow of fear that death may come at any time from any angle for any reason, and going outside and seeing this?This is the equivalent of someone going down to Ground Zero an hour after the second plane hit to hand out flyers about Global Warming. I know where you're coming from, but TIME AND PLACE, MOTHERFUCKERS. TIME. AND. PLACE.

"Every time that we eat, we can choose not to participate in violence," PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk wrote Wednesday in a letter.

Osama bin Laden actually released a new video response to this. It's just 1:34 of him dismissively wanking this off.

While choosing a falafel sandwich over a lamb kebab doesn't create instant peace

Or eventual peace. Or any increased chance of peace at all whatsover. Actually come to think of it, it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH PEACE YOU FLAGRANT RETARD.

it reduces the sum total of violence and suffering in the world."

And there you have it: PETA summed up perfectly. A complete and total admission that this won't have any effect other than furthering their agenda. "We're here to protect animals, and we'll hurt, kill and trample the rights of as many people as we have to to make our point!!! I'm sorry, what? What have we actually done to help animals besides drawing attention to ourselves and acting like dicks? ummm..."

/Throws bucket of fake blood, runs

THEY'LL NEVER CATCH ME

2009-02-04T10:52:00.007-05:00

You know how when you were young, you'd go to that mean old man's house (or in my case, that really nice wheelchair-bound half blind priest's house) and set a bag of shit on fire, put it on the porch, knock on the door and then run away?

You know how you kept doing it all through your teenaged years, thinking one day it would get old but it never did?

You know how eventually you moved on to torching Port-a-Shitters?

You lost me? Really? Whatever, freak.

Someone has been sending San Francisco's portable toilets up in flames in a wave of potty pyromania.

This marks a momentous occasion for me personally and therefore, for all of you faithful readers who hang on my every word. I'm about to give a San Franciscoan a "kudos."

Ahem...San Franciscoan Port-a-Shitter Arsonist: Kudos, friend. My apologies that your Godless city is a cross between a femininely scented over-lotioned Kleenex and the Sodomite ward of Riker's Island. Onward!

Since November, at least 20 of the ubiquitous construction site toilets have been set afire in the city, creating a trail of malodorous wreckage and causing an estimated $50,000 in property damage, according to fire officials.

Nothing funny to say here. That's just a sexy sentence, in my humble. I'd fuck that sentence if it were physically possible. I mean, "trail of malodorous wreckage?" I'd WIFE that shit.

And now, let's try to make flaming Job Johnny's a grave, serious matter!

"Somebody's getting very bold," said Fire Department Lt. Mindy Talmadge. It's not unheard of for vandals to strike the portable restrooms but "this is unusual," she said.

San Francisco Police Department Headquarters, Commissioner's office. Fire Department Lt. Mindy Talmadge kicks open door, enters.

BigMindy: Commish! He struck again!

Commish: God damnit, Mindy, do you have to kick the door down every damned time you step into my damned office, damnit? Now what the hell are you--

BigMindy: DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?!?!?! HE LIT THE SHIT AGAIN!!!!

Commish: Yea, I know. There was an article about it on the Mauf.

BigMindy: Wait, this article?

Commish: Yea.

BigMindy: How is that even poss--

Commish: Laptop from the future.

BigMindy: Huh. Well, I-- wait, where was this little vignette going?

Commish: Not sure. We should probably just keep going with the quotes from the article.

BigMindy: Fair.

Contractors have been trying to foil the attacks by securing or camouflaging their industrial outhouses.

Camouflaging. Is your answer. You want to...camouflage. The Port-a-Shitter. What in the fucking FUCK can you make a Port-a-Shitter look like other than a--

Touche.

And the second option? "Securing" them? Something tells me this arson isn't setting them on fire and then, like, throwing them into the street or something. I mean, it just seems like you would end up with a very secure, burnt, melted Port-a-Pooper.

Theories vary on who is responsible. "Kids would be my guess," said Johnson.

"Possibly arsons, as well" he added. "Ne'er-do-wells would be a third option, if I were pressed."

The rest of the article is funny only because of the name of the Port-a-Pooper President they got to interview...

Alex Rodriguez, president of Concord-based Far West Sanitation & Storage Containers

Now as you continue to read just picture this guy

Talking like this.

[A-Rod] thinks whoever is doing it is motivated by the thrill of lawlessness, "trying to play catch-and-seek with the police."

HAHAHAHAHAHA "catch-and-seek?" Jeez, maybe this IS actually A-Rod.

"It kind of worries me and worries everybody that I talk to,"

Unequivocally: No one you talked to is actually worried. They're being polite. They laugh about you when you're not around.

"These people, I don't think they're criminals,

Yep. Actual quote. A-Rod thinks these arsonists illegally destroying other peoples' properties aren't criminals.

Oh, and by the way...

I know who did it.

Well, I Mean... That's What You Get... Also?

2009-01-27T16:22:00.006-05:00

If I were a policeman, and suspected my slag whore of a wife of cheating on me with my best friend, I would probably use my resources as a cop to obtain cctv footage of pubs and stuff where they'd been meeting, then go on to beat her and throw her outside naked so everyone could see her for the whore she is. If this sounds insane and awful... well that's what she gets... right?

A policeman attacked his wife and shoved her naked out of their front door after CCTV footage showed she was having an affair with his best friend, a court heard yesterday.

Ok... well maybe I wouldn't do it... but this guy sure did! While on the one hand I am all for public humiliation for things, especially when she's fucking your best friend... I can't say I condone the violence aspect of the whole thing... I mean, throwing her outside naked? Perfectly acceptable. Look - If we're going to find it funny when a woman puts up a billboard like this, we have to agree the other side of that coin is funny too, no? Anywho, let's have a look at the lovely couple.

Mr. Wonderful!

Whoreslag!

PC Andrew Liptrot, 47, seized camera footage from two pubs where he suspected the couple had met before confronting his wife Karen at home. He then grabbed the 38-year-old British Airways stewardess and ripped her dressing gown from her body, the court was told. ‘I had nothing underneath,’ Mrs Liptrot said. ‘He was holding my wrists and I was nervous. I was scared. He grabbed my arm and called me a slag and a whore.'

He probably called you a slag and a whore because well... slagg-y shoe fits... Also. Domestic violence being awful enough as it is aside, if you're a cop and you're using sketchy means to find this stuff out... isn't domestic violence and public humiliation kind of a bad idea? I mean... You're a cop... But alright though. Just sort of dragged you outside, called you names. That's the end of it at least, right? You then decided to act like an adult and just sort of end the whole marriage thing and etc?

Peter Davies, prosecuting, said Liptrot, a crime prevention officer, eventually allowed his wife back into the house and ordered her into the bedroom where he attacked her again. He swung her round by the hair, hit her in the left buttock and struck her on the temple but stopped the attack when she started to cry, the court heard.

Oh... Well... Lest you think this man is a monster, let it be known that he did stop when she started crying. I mean, I'm not going to say the guy is a hero or anything, but never let anyone tell you he is merciless. And so there it ended... right?

Mr Davies said Liptrot attacked her again six days later when she refused to have sex with him.

Eeesh. So after your best friend has been stirring your vanilla... you actually wanted to have sex with her again? And you... have been living in relative calm for the past 6 days? What the hell, why would you do that?

The following day, Mrs Liptrot took her two children to her parents’ house. They called the police. Yesterday Liptrot, from Lostock Hall, Preston, appeared in court to deny three charges of assault.

FYI, here's how they're saying these bruises happened (I'm skipping around a bit in the article because either it's super long or my ADD has grown exponen...hey a nickel!)

Rick Holland, defending, suggested Mrs Liptrot’s injuries were caused by a kinky bondage session the night before. He told her: ‘You had bought a pair of handcuffs from Ann Summers and you and your husband were involved in consensual sexual contact. You had handcuffs on your wrists and you suffered slight injuries.’ The jury was told that Liptrot, who had been a police officer for ten years but resigned this month, had earlier pleaded guilty to seven counts of misconduct in a public office relating to accessing police files and obtaining the CCTV footage.

So he quit after illegally obtaining this footage that implicated his wife in an affair with his best friend... but after that they bought dangers sex toys that resulted in bruises and cuts? Sounds reasonable to me. But what do I know (don't answer that, thanks).

I'd also like to point out that at no point does this article explain what, if anything he did to his 'best friend'. Shouldn't there be some comeuppance in the works for him? Like, shouldn't Liptrot's lawyer be like "You are going to buy a noose and have more consensual sex with my clients wife and you will suffer slight hanging related death injuries." or something? Whatever. Where's Bud White when you need him?

Well, I Mean... That's What You Get?

2009-01-27T15:54:00.004-05:00

In a story that is in no way going to help the reputation for Russians being drunk... a Russian got totally hammered... and then tried to fuck a raccoon... with somewhat disastrous results.

An enraged raccoon has bitten off a man's penis as the pervert tried to rape the animal.

I mean, was he trying to rape its face? there's just so much awesomeness and stupidity to this story I don't even know where to begin. Oh. You'll see.

Russian Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with friends when he leapt on the terrified animal.

On the one hand, what kind of friends let him try to rape a raccoon. On the other hand, who wouldn't want to party with those guys? That's right. 44. Years. Old. On the one hand, you'd think someone in their mid-40's would know better than to drunkenly rape a raccoon. On the other hand, why don't you lay off it, Judge Reinhold?

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned surgeons in Moscow.

Yep. Not even remorseful about it. That's right. Thought he'd have some fun. What great merriment having sex with rabid animals will be! I love that this attitude somehow stunned the surgeons. The dude tried to fuck a raccoon. There's really nothing else he could say or do that I would really consider 'stunning'.

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

One, I have to imagine this gentleman was not married. Probably not even seeing anyone(human). And so imagine if you meet the girl of your dreams. At some point, you are going to have to have that conversation about why your dongle is mutilated, right? And 2, I mean, even John Wayne Bobbit can say 'crazy ex-wife'. But, 'Oh, you know. Just another drunken weekend with my friends trying to fornicate with feral animals!' somehow seems like it would be some kind of deal-breaker for any woman with even the faintest sense of sanity.

It's Not Often I Find Myself Rooting for the Guy With the Laser Pointer

2009-01-22T16:28:00.003-05:00

So if there's nothing you enjoy more than watching millionaires dressed up like space cats acting like huge babies, you're in luck:

Seriously, like anyone needed another reason to hate KISS. Also, if you're a rocker who hates laser pointers with this kind of passion, shouldn't you have a better repertoire of insults to hurl crowd-ward than things like, "Just because you can shave you're still a baby" and "Put that laser in your pocket or I'll put it in your ass"? How about something fun like "Hey! My doctor says I can't get laser in my eye! Be careful!" Or like, "Hey, you look pretty young, the whole band has probably had sex with your mother."

I Just Discovered: Zero Punctuation

2009-01-21T16:29:00.004-05:00

So, I'm not much of a video game-y type guy. But I do enjoy me some games. I currently have a Nintendo Wii at home - and we recently got the wii fit (I am a master at the hula hoop game). I also have an xbox that's been modified so that it has every nintendo, super nintendo, and genesis game on it. I know what you're thinking - wow, you must be swimming in ladies 24/7. You're half right. Half as in the correct portion is "wow, you must be..."

Anyway, a friend recently sent me a link to escapist magazine, where they do this group zero punctuation does weekly video reviews. These are some of the funniest things I've seen in quite a while. Here's his review for Ninja Gaiden 2 (The original is possibly my favorite game for the xbox, I played it for like, 5 hours a day for an entire year of college - I know, see above comment re ladies.):

You Can't Rape Your Wife. Seriously, It's Impossible.

2009-01-21T13:05:00.003-05:00

So if you're seeking marriage advice, and also happen to have a penchant for hitting your loved one and also sort of... you know... forcing sex on your wife, you might want to check out Samir Abu Hamza's "Keys To a Successful Marriage"

Coburg's self-styled cleric Samir Abu Hamza said despite Australian rape laws it was impossible for a man to rape his wife even if she refused to have sex with him, the Herald Sun reports.

Impossible. Never mind that rape is generally defined as any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person. So you see, if you are married, you own this woman. Now, before we go off thinking "Oh wow, what a misogynist asshole this Hamza is!" I say we hear him out.

In a recorded lecture entitled "The Keys to a Successful Marriage", delivered to his male worshippers but now broadcast on the internet and viewed by several thousand people,
Mr Hamza said Islamic law allowed men to hit their wives as a last resort, but they were not to make them bleed or become bruised.

See? You can hit, but not bruise or cut! It's practically inhumane not to hit them! Also, when does one decide when an argument and words have reached the need for a last resort? And how exactly does one hit someone without it leading to bruises or blood? Can't you just hit them where the bruises won't show? And now what about this sex stuff... I mean, whenever he wants? What if she's busy?

"If the husband was to ask her for a sexual relationship and she is preparing the bread on the stove she must leave it and come and respond to her husband, she must respond," Mr Hamza told his male followers on the video sermon.

Well... ok, that seems reasonable... I guess? But so like, aren't there still laws to contend with? You know... the rape-y ones?

He then mocked Australia's criminal laws, which required consent for sex to be lawful. "In this country if the husband wants to sleep with his wife and she does not want to and she hasn't got a sickness or whatever, there is nothing wrong with her she just does not feel like it, and he ends up sleeping with her by force ... it is known to be as rape," Mr Hamza said. "Amazing, how can a person rape his wife?"

To anyone wondering, yes. Yes he did answer his own question immediately prior to asking it. You'd think if you're going to give a huge lecture to people on marriage and shit, you'd at least do like 5 seconds of research to see what Marriage actually is. Like, people go to jail for hitting their legally purchased dogs. Yet for someone you love and whom is under law your equal. It's ok to rape them and hit them. Someone needs to explain this to me better. And then explain it to PETA, so that I can get these "dog-rape" charges dropped. Anyway, when reached for comment, Hamza said basically, leave me the fuck alone.

"Don't call me, don't bother me and please don't call me ever again," he said.

Now, I often see stupid things and certain (fat) people and think "Well this is why people hate America." It seems it is pretty much that way regardless of what you're talking about - America, Islam, Christians, etc. etc. It's always a stupid few who ruin it for the sane, normal rest of the group. So I know there are probably people who will see this article and think things like "This is why we need to win the war in Iraq." And the thought that people like that exist drives me to edge of suicide pretty much every day.

So here's the video. I'll be honest. I didn't watch it. I got the gist from this article, and plus: thing's like 50 minutes long. Come on!

Back to the article,

Islamic Council of Victoria vice-president Sherene Hassan said Islam did not condone domestic violence. "The Prophet Mohammed stated 'The best of you is he who is kindest to his wife'," Ms Hassan said.

To which I have to say: Well, I mean, dude did say as a last resort... and he did say no bruising... and plus, even if she's busy preparing the bread on the stove, she was totally aching for it anyway, and will probably thank you for it later... If for no other reason than to try and get you to stop hitting her.

NOT EXACTLY "OCEAN'S ELEVEN" CALIBER

2009-01-21T12:10:00.003-05:00

This gets me every single god damned time. It absolutely BOGGLES my mind when you hear something like "cops found 20,000 kilos of cocaine during a routine traffic stop for speeding."

Dawg.

WHY THE FUCKING FUCKSTICK OF A FUCK WERE YOU SPEEDING YOU USELESS DINGLEBERRY OF A HUMAN?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

When I was younger, I'd be super careful driving after I'd smoked a fucking bowl of terrible-ass Scranton dirtweed, EVEN IF I WASN'T HOLDING? Know why? Because dealing with cops right before/after/during something illegal is God Fucking Awful and I strive to avoid it at all costs.

SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD Y--

deep breath

Just read it.

LAWRENCEVILLE, Ga. (AP) - Gwinnett County deputies found more than $1 million in cash in a car they had stopped for a traffic violation.

Now I know it's the south, so some of you out there are going to make the whole "we can't hold the mentally handicap up to the same standards as people from the Northeast" argument, but J. Fucking. Christ. And I know sometimes the traffic violation is little and silly, like a broken brake light or expired inspection stickers or something, BUT IF YOU ARE MAKING THE PLANS TO SOMEHOW ILLEGALLY ACQUIRE MORE THAN ONE MILLION DOLLARS AMERICAN, PERHAPS TAKE A MOMENT TO LOOK AT YOUR CAR AND SEE IF IT'S A POLICE BEACON, YOU VACUOUS WASTE OF TIME, SPACE, AND YOUR DADDY'S SPERM.

But what was the reason the police pulled over our friend Cleatus? (The article doesn't mention his actual name, but are YOU going to bet money that his name isn't Cleatus? No. No you're not.)

Sheriff's spokeswoman Stacey Bourbonnais said the man was stopped Friday after deputies noticed he was swerving in and out of lanes.

Reckless driving. Not even speeding, where maybe the dude's getting pulled over for going 3 or 4 miles over. Swerving in and out of lanes. This is so fucking EPICALLY stupid it's almost admirable.

Mind if I rant for a moment about the terrible racism in this country? Oh, you do mind? Well, then fuck you right in the face with your grandpa's dick.

This dude was white. The article does not disclose the ethnicity of the suspect, nor (like I said before) a name, nor a picture. How do I know he's white? Glad you asked! You didn't ask? Well, fuck your mother!

While speaking to him, the man allegedly pushed a deputy and fled on foot. He was captured and charged with obstruction of a law enforcement officer.

I would literally bet the lives of every child on the planet (actually, every child on the planet but Pem's; she's just too damned adorable) that this dude was white, and I'd do this for two reasons: 1) God do I hate kids, so win-win, and 2) There is no other ethnicity in America that gets to PUSH a deputy, run away ON FOOT, and only get "obstruction of a law enforcement officer." A black dude touches a cop, and he gets charged with first degree murder, regardless of the fact that the cop he touched is alive and well and sitting at the trial.

If this were a black (or Latino, or Arabic, possibly even Asian) dude, the quote would've been closer to

While speaking to him, the man allegedly pushed a deputy and fled on foot. He was shot 174 times by 10 different officers, many of whom showed up 10 to 15 minutes after the suspect was first gunned down. The Lawrenceville mayor will host a dinner on Thursday evening to honor the brave officers involved in the incident.

Well...that's certainly one way to end a post on our comedic blog about silly shit.

Phlegmin' Trouble? Phlegmin Luck!

2009-01-16T12:55:00.003-05:00

Happy lunchtime everyone! Yes, I know that title works much better with Urine, but (un?)fortunately I'm not having any trouble in that department...on this day.

Anyway, do you find yourself hacking and coughing in severe pain in every atom of your sinuses at even the slightest sign of being rhinovirally afflicted? You do? Congratulations, you're me! You handsome devil you.

Well, I've uncovered a sure fire system to help alleviate your suffering. It will also pretty much ensure that you get to sit by yourself on whatever form of mass transportation you ride to your job. I will now explain your day to you, the snot-throated.

You will wake up. It will hurt to swallow. You will know this is because of the chunks of snot in your throat. This thought will disgust you, but you must use the disgust to your advantage. You will try and cough, and you will blow your nose. Repeatedly. This will not work. You will have an enormous headache that seems to start in the center of your nose and rise up and wrap around your eyes, as though some asshole were trying to squeeze the life out of your eyes.

Here's what you must do: You must make yourself throw up. Now. You don't recall how you discovered this, and you don't really want to remember. You do not actually throw up. You merely make yourself gag. this will do one of two things: make a giant hunk of snot come racing out of your mouth; or send the hunk of snot up your sinus passages into the nasal region, in which case you will feel a sudden and serious blockage. You can then blow your nose until you see a gigantic viscous green wad in your tissue. It is going to be enormous, and you are going to want to play with it, because you can't believe this gleaming chunk of goo was in your throat for the past few hours. Resist this urge. Someone will see you. And remember to use Puff plus lotion. Your nose will thank you.

Also, note that this is something you will have to do multiple times during the day. Remember to do anything you can to distract yourself, so that you're not sitting next to someone on the train, coughing and trying your best to discreetly hock up phlegm. It isn't working.

On a semi-related note: If you had "2" as the page number on a google image search for "puffs plus lotion" as being the first page in that search to contain porn, you are the winner. Your prize is in my coat pocket. At first it's going to feel a bit like a soggy tissue, but once you see it you'll realize that it is actually several soggy tissues.

OK I WAS WITH YOU UP UNTIL THAT PART THAT MAKES NO SENSE

2009-01-16T10:38:00.003-05:00

So this is the story of some dude in Nevada who beat a speeding ticket. Good for him, right? Well, the reason he got the ticket thrown out might now effect traffic signs in his town, making the streets safer.

This is the article about why that's apparently a bad thing.

A Spring Creek man who beat a $62 ticket has created a legal speed trap that could cost Elko County and his neighbors much more.

If you're wondering what the vague and marginally evocative phrase "cost Elko blah blah much more" is referring to...well, you go ahead and wonder in one hand and shit in the other. See which one gets filled up first.

James Killian...argued the ticket...for going 39 mph in a 25 mph zone was unenforceable because the speed limit sign was too small and didn't comply with uniform traffic codes adopted by the state in 2003. [emphasis mine]

Soooo...what's the point of this article? Man, I mean, if I was an Elko County justice I would've agreed and dismissed the citation.

Elko Justice of the Peace Al Kacin agreed, and dismissed the citation.

Oh. Huh. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS ARTICLE?!? (I guess one could ask, "what is the purpose of this blog post?" To you I say "shut up." Here. Here's some boobs. Now keep reading.)

Now county and Spring Creek Association employees are taking inventory of traffic signs, trying to determine how many may need to be replaced if the local jurisdictions are required to comply with the updated standards.

This, as far as I can gather, is what's going to "cost" the Elko-ans "much more." Replacing traffic signs SO THAT THEY ARE UP TO LEGAL STANDARDS isn't free, you know?? This is why people fucking HATE Elko Nevada (just trust me on this one) and America in general. "Bigger speed limit signs?!??? Well, that'll cost money! Money from taxes!!! I don't LIKE taxes!!! Boooooooo safety! Go eat a dick safety!!!

These are the same fucks who will try and sue everyone in a 10 mile radius for negligence if their kid gets hit by a speeding car (OH THE INJUSTICE!!! WHY AREN'T THESE SIGNS UP TO LEGAL STANDARDS!?!?).

Killian said he wouldn't have raised the issue if he had known the unintended consequences of the judge's ruling.

"Geez, I mean, if I knew I'd be improving safety, I'd have just as soon paid the ticket. These improvements are gonna cost MONEY, y'know? At least if I just paid the ticket it woulda just cost...money..."

In conclusion, it seems like I've lost my ability to write funny blogs, and replaced it with the ability to write angry self-righteous ones. FoxNews.com here I come!!!

UM...DWAYNE? YEA...WE NEED TO TALK.

2009-01-15T14:48:00.002-05:00

Let me begin by saying in no uncertain terms, I think Lil Wayne (aka known as Dwayne Michael Carter) is awesome. I think he's clever, funny, and has a unique voice and style to his rapping. I feel like he's a good representation of the traditional tennets of hip hop (aggressive, cocky lyrics over powerful bass-heavy instrumentation) while showing a willingness to push the envelope of the genre, both musically and topically. Also, he doesn't take himself too seriously, which, in my opinion almost always coincides with superior writing (and I'm not just saying that because Pem and I always call ourselves faggots...no homo.).

Now, as you may or may not know, Lil Wayne (much like Jay-Z) doesn't write his lyrics. As in, everything you've ever heard him rap on record, is, at least for the most part, freestyle. Pretty fucking, groovy, no?

Well...

Ok, here's my thing. Do I think it's fucking rock your face off your skull awesome that Misters Carter and Carter can do this? Yes. Yes I do. Do I sorta wish the world never found out about this? Yes. Yes I sorta do. Why, you ask? Well, for starters, now every 17 year old looking to be the next rap superstar feels like they can do it that way...even worse, a lot of them feel they have to do it that way, or the lines somehow lose merit.

I am a hip hop producer. I will now wait 5 to 7 minutes for you to stop laughing before I continue...

...you guys are real dicks sometimes, you know that?

...Ok. I have a next door neighbor who is 17 and he actually has a lot of potential as a rapper. He's goofy as shit, his rhymes are funny and his mind works uuber quickly, which makes him a quality freestyler, and (even though I've never actually seen him in action) an assumedly terrifying battle rapper. (By the way, if you're getting lost on terminology, maybe skip this post. Maybe go here and read something that hits a little closer to home.)

The only problem with my young friend is that for all the punchlines and wordplay, he still hasn't written a song. He raps over the beat that is playing and whatever comes out comes out. And that's fine, to a certain extent. But you're not going to want to listen to an album full of that, because after a while, it all sorta blends together.

I mean, Lil Wayne (and in my opinion to a much greater extent Jay-Z) is able to freestyle his verses and keep them fresh and interesting, for the most part. That doesn't mean that YOU can too. Worry about being good, writing compelling, unique shit that says at least something about yourself. For 99.9% of us, that means having a notebook, so you can organize your thoughts, make sure you are making sense, and do more than just rhyme the end of 16 sentences in a row. "Freestyle freefall" is what the dude from Hustle and Flow calls it. No, not the main dude. The other dude. No, not the white dude, the other other dude. NO, man the blonde chick was a CHICK not a dude, shitfuck. Whatever. Why the hell am I writing about this? Oh yea...

So Lil Wayne said something outlandishly stupid about the reason he freestyles all his songs...and I'm about to make fun of him for it...and probably regret it a million times over one day...

Let's fucking krump.

What about your songs. You never write them down?
I just say it. Say it when it gets in my head, the beat. Whatever comes in my mind at that moment.

Fair. You do you, Weezy F Baby.

So it’s always spontaneous?
Of course.

Really? "Of course?" Doesn't really seem like an "of course" type of sitch, but I mean, it's Young Money, baby. I'll defer to Mr. Wayne.

I believe anything other than that—then why go buy it?

Um...wait, what?

Then you could do it, she could do it.

Wait, um...so you think anything other than...what? "She could do it?" I...what? I mean, I know the dude is high all the time, but that hasn't stopped me from remaining at least semi comprehensible. So, it appears the interviewer smells the stank of that brain fart as much as I do, because (s)he responds, respectfully:

I couldn’t do it even if I wrote it down.

Translation: Your statement is the opposite of correct...and the opposite of sane, for that matter.
But you could read what’s on the paper, right? So basically anybody that could read could recite it. That takes something away from it.

WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH wait. the. fuck. up. With all due respect, that's as stupid as the day is long. That's like saying Barack Obama isn't a good speaker because his speeches are pre-written. "Anyone could've gotten up and delivered the keynote speech during the 2004 DNC and subsequently inspire and lead an entire political party (and later a nation) in a brand new direction. I mean, the speech was written on paper!" That's just assinine. I can' believe that Lil Wayne is actually suggesting that rappers who write their lines down on paper are somehow inferior to those who don't.

(And let me get this out of the way right now: yes, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, and from what I've read, Biggie don't/didn't write their verses. But he does. And so does he. And he did, too. So let's everyone chill, ok?)

I think a lot of people get this idea that somehow writing a rap song is different than writing a song in another genre of music. The only way that is even a little accurate is more often than not, the degree of difficulty is a little higher writing rap vs. writing other types of songs. The reason? Singers in other genres can extend the notes that they sing. So, in the same amount of time it takes for Big Punisher to sing "Dead in the middle of Little Italy little did we know
that we riddled some middleman who didn't do diddily," an R&B singer has the option of singing "No," or "Oh," or any other single syllable and extending it for as long as they please. All of this further bolsters the fact that WRITING DOWN WHAT YOU PLAN ON RAPPING is a helpful, good thing.

Listen, if you don't need to, good for you. That's just bully for you. But don't treat it like freestyling album-quality verses is a common trait. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Albert Pujols doesn't stand around making fun of other players because they "need" batting practice and he "doesn't." Because he realizes that not everyone is as good as he is at hitting baseballs. Oh, and because he still takes batting practice so he can be even BETTER at hitting baseballs.

I always tell somebody that’s why I am good, that’s why I’m okay, because I’m being me, I’m doing me. Now the day I gotta write stuff down—no one can believe what’s written down.

I get the first part. Yes, when you're expressing your thoughts and feelings on the spot, you are very fresh, very raw, and often very honest. You are also prone to say things that don't make a lot of sense, and it's extremely difficult to stay on one topic, let alone write an entire song based on one. (As big a fan as I am of Lil Wayne's, there are times when I'm like, "wait, why is he rapping about money and killing people when the hook of the song is about how he's a Martian from another planet?"). As for the second part? Um. No. No, that's not true. That's barely a thought. In fact, it's like 5/8's of a thought.

Perfect example:

SPOILER ALERT: The following example is very, very, very, very, very imperfect.

If I was a bum and I told you I had a mansion around the corner and three Bentleys and twenty-eight bitches in my house butt naked waiting for me, you wouldn’t believe me. I’d say you stink, say Get out my face, give him $100, and say Get the fuck.

Ok, well, other than the fact that he completely changes perspective of narration in the middle of his thought and ends with a sentence fragment, the rest of this example...makes no sense.

But if there was a book that said, there was this bum with a mansion with twenty bitches in it, you’ll try to use it and put it toward real life.

What. the. fuck. are. you. even. TRYING. to. say?

Hey Weezy...maybe...Idunno...write some of these ideas down first the next time you get interviewed?

If I'm gunned down, check Lil Wayne's prints. And Pemulis's. It was one of them...and you can BULEE DAT. Even though it was written down (?!?).

Entering With Intent to What?

2009-01-14T16:32:00.003-05:00

Not to be all Debby Downer, but before I get to the funny part of this news item, I want to acknowledge that yes, in the fracas, one of these:

Gets taped to one of these:

And then chokes to death. I admit it, it's awful. You win, jerk. And seriously, who tapes a dog to a tree? The same type of person who would break into your house and beat you about the face with a dildo, apparently.

Mackay Magistrates Court was told that Shaun Michael Burke, 38, from Mount Pleasant near Mackay, and a 21-year-old woman broke into a Mackay home at 3am on Monday.

Alright, so far so expected, this is Australia after all. Founded by criminals and etc. ad hilarium. Please continue...

The court was told Burke wore a black leather mask and was armed with a large rubber dildo wrapped in duct tape, which he used to assault the 49-year-old female occupant of the house.

So basically, the gimp broke into a middle aged woman's house and beat her with a dildo. Now I'm sure you are wondering why someone would do this, or perhaps you are wondering: But so then what happened? Well, half of you are in luck.

Burke then allegedly assaulted the woman about the face and head with the dildo leaving her with bruising and small bumps to the face.

So apparently, in case you wanted to know, the guy assaulting this woman was a huge wimp, because he beat her about the face and left her with... bruising and small bumps. I'm sure you've noticed that thus far there's been no mention of robbery or anything like that, even though I've mentioned it a few times now. Please know that at no point does the article even mention it, except to say that they were charged with it.

The mother, together with her 19-year-old son, who witnessed the event, then escaped the home. Burke and his female co-accused then allegedly took the family dog, a Lahsa Apso, to a nearby park where they taped the animal to a tree, causing it to choke to death.

So they beat this lady in front of her kid... then left to... kill their dog? Is it me or does it seem like maybe there's some important info missing in this whole article. Did the 19 year old just kind of sit there? Any particular reason they up and left with the dog? Did they steal anything? What the hell, article?

Police have charged the pair with robbery with violence, wilful killing of an animal and entering a dwelling with intent. Burke was remanded in custody to reappear in Mackay Magistrates Court on Wednesday, while his co-accused was released on bail to appear in the same court on January 29.

So... How did they get caught?! God, I hate articles like this. They tell you everything except what you want to know. Did they go to a 7/11 with dildo and gimp mask still on and get ID'd or something? Did they give themselves up? Did they steal a giant billboard or something else easily visible? And seriously... INTENT TO WHAT?!?!!? The burglary thing is covered, so it can't be that right? The animal killing is covered so it can't be that right? Intent to use a dildo? And back to the main thing that struck me (no pun intended I promise) as odd about this article is: Why use a dildo? Couldn't you have just as easily used a stick from a tree right outside the house or something? Unless you're trying to create a name for yourselves a la the Wet/Sticky Bandits. I don't know. Could work I suppose. What do you think, The Cocky Bandits?

Do You Need Health Insurance?

2009-01-14T16:21:00.002-05:00

ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF

2009-01-14T14:36:00.001-05:00

Bitches, hoes, hustlas, pimps, playas, prozzies, and old dudes who stand on the corner trading blow J's for metro cards (hi Jerrell!),

I have returned.

...The fuck do you mean, you didn't know I had gone anywhere?!?!? I haven't been blogging for like, weeks! I was being held down by the MAN (which, in this case I believe to be the firewalls set up at my place of employment). I have RISEN ABOVE. Really? Never noticed? I mean, you haven't seen heror him
Really? None of this rings a-- fuck it. Let's dance.

Court OKs sex between teachers, 18-year-olds

Ain't no party like a stat rape party cuz a stat rape party DON'T STOP!!!!

Well, I guess it do stop when the po-po roll up and hear your mix CD of all the "sexiest" Jonas Brothers songs and see all the Zimas with Jolly Ranchers dissolving in them. Sometimes the party don't even get to start at all, and then you just have to talk to this dude. BUZZKILL, amiright? Anyhoo,

SEATTLE - Washington state law does not bar teachers from having consensual sex with 18-year-old students, an appeals court ruled Tuesday in dismissing a case against a former high school choir teacher.

I am literally ALREADY enrolled in a teaching certification program in Seattle. I think the lady in enrollment got a little weirded out when I made her swear on her children's lives (twice) that this whole "OK to poke 18-y's thing" was legit. Whatevs. People can judge me all they want. I defer to a much wiser man than I: (0:50 mark)

So this whole thing is about some teacher in Washington who was diddling the piddle with a student of his. An 18 year old student of his. People had a "problem" with this, presumably because it might "compromise" her getting a fair shake at school, perhaps getting an automatic "A" on the midterm if she let him do it indabutt or something.

Oh and also because she's a little kid and he's in his 30's.

But what people are neglecting to see here is that this is AMERICA, fuckheads. If something is technically legal, it doesn't matter if it's actually the "wrong" thing to do, or if it's "unethical" or if it "fucks up the psyche of a delicate impressionable youth for the rest of her life." All that shit is for tree fucking pansy lovin hippy farts who'd rather make out in a tub of cafe lattes and tranny jizz than say the Pledge of 'Legiance. Legal or not legal..."unlegal," we'll call it. That's it.

[Kiddy fucker] challenged a judge's refusal to dismiss his case, arguing the student wasn't a minor because she was 18.

BLAM!!! Count tha shellz, SUCKADUCK! LEGAL.

Hirschfelder, who was 33 at the time, also denies any sexual relationship occurred.

HAH! Are you fuckin' serious? I would've paid good money to be there for this guy's defense claims...

This is PREPOSTEROUS!!! The girl is 18. 18!!!!!! She's not a minor! I did not have sex with a minor!!! She's 18!!! This is AMERICA, I should be able to tie her up and harness her to a Cirque de Soleil-style series of wires and pulleys, don a similar contraption and fuck her in a simulated zero-gravity Tarzan swing-fucking type situation!!! She's 18 FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! Oh. And um, also...I did not have sexual relations with that girl. WOMAN! I meant woman, she's 18, she's a woman, and what I did is TOTALLY LEGAL!!! I mean, what i would've done...if I had...copulated...with this gi-- woman. But I didn't. Fuck her, that is. Um...can I start over?

Sexual contact with students younger than 16 is considered child rape or molestation; the age of consent in Washington is 16.

DAYUM, son. 16 is the age of consent? That's EDIT: My lawyer suggested I refrain from letting you know how I feel about boinking 16 year olds. BUZZKILL

Oh by the way, I decided to do a little investigative journalism for this piece, and looked up the laws regarding sexual contact in West Virginia. All I found in the state records was this picture:

That's all. Nice to be back, pigfuckers.

Bank Error In Your Favor, Just Remember to Play it Cool

2009-01-14T11:31:00.003-05:00

If you're like me, you've played plenty of games of Monopoly. Well, if you're like me you've played like, 1/3 of plenty of games of Monopoly before you were bored out of your mind. Anyway, one of the best Chance cards was always "Bank Error in your favor. Collect $500." This always seemed like an awesome development. What if the bank accidentally put extra money in your account? You win right? Well, wrong. I guess.

A Pennsylvania couple is behind bars after police say they failed to call the bank when a glitch put an extra $175,000 in their account.

You can go to jail for this? Why? The bank fucked up. How is that your problem? Bank error in my favor! If all of a sudden a ton of money shows up in my bank account, I'm not going to question it, I'm going to say "holy fuck I'm packing up my shit, closing that account, buying a house somewhere and starting a new life!" Once that money is in my account, it's my money. I don't care who put it there or why. It could be drug money for all I care. Hell, I hope it is drug money. Why not! Seriously though. Let's say you suddenly find your bank account having more money in it than you make in a year. Are you really going to want to call anyone and say "Excuse me, suddenly I have all this money, and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't." And you shouldn't have to! The bank fucked up, it's their problem, not yours.

Did Preston have to do time too?

Authorities say 50-year-old Randy Pratt and 36-year-old Melissa Pratt instead withdrew the money, quit their jobs and moved to Florida.

See, at first I was thinking "Stupid, they should have played it cool, like as if nothing happened, just hang low, then when the time is right, bolt in the night." But then after reading this a few times, I thought "When would the time be right? If they notice the error, could they just take it out, without even telling you? Maybe they did the right thing immediately getting the fuck out of dodge."

They were buying a house in the Orlando area when the mistake was traced.

Here's what I don't get. What is their crime, exactly? Closing their bank account? Spending money in their own bank account? Can't you just tell the bank to fuck off and get a bailout?

The two were arraigned Tuesday on theft and other charges and jailed in lieu of $100,000 bail. A public defender was being assigned.

How is this theft?! If someone hands you a hundred dollar bill, then after you've left, calls you and says "Oh shit, I only meant to give you a five." Have you stolen? I don't get it.

A $1,772.50 deposit showed up in their FNB Bank account last summer as $177,250.

Whoopsy! Oh well, not their fucking problem! I wish I knew someone in banking or something who could help explain this to me. I also wish I knew someone at Milton Bradley, because they're going to have to change those chance cards to "Bank error in your favor, collect $500. Then make sure you give it back to the banker so you don't wind up in jail. That's right, you could do time for having a dumb banker." Of course they may have to drop the font size a smidge, but that's neither here nor there.

Police say Melissa Pratt said her husband, a roofing installer, often got large checks and she wasn't aware of any error.

Ok. While that's pretty obviously a lie, isn't that fair though? "Sure I had $8 in my checking account, but I get big checks all the time, so I totally had no clue, and I assure you the closing of the account and moving and buying a house are all just coincidental, now kindly fuck off."

This is an issue I will be very confused about for some time to come. If anyone would care to explain it to me, I' m all ears. Except it should be pretty clear by now that I've made up my mind on the matter so any and all arguments not in agreement with my sentiments will be ignored.

Sometimes The Fact That Things Are Actually Things Blows My Mind

2009-01-13T11:31:00.003-05:00

What you are about to see is a real ad. It is for a real product, that is really for sale. I recommend watching in its entirety, as it gets better with each passing second. Please remember that this is real... Seriously.

Did you watch that? Good. Now let's all spend a minute or so collectively banging our heads against our desks to try and unremember what we've just seen.

...

No luck? Me either. Anyway, now that you know it's impossible to unsee that video, please understand a few key details.

1. That dad is so awesome that he only needed one take to come up with that glow in the dark towel jingle.

2. Who the fuck would ever need a glow in the dark towel?! Do you know anyone who showers in the dark?

3. That dad has no shame about stealing his daughters laptop and then using it in very public places despite the unicorn stickers or whatever those are on the back of it. Good for him.

4. If you're in a band and the band tells you the songs you've been writing suck... is there any better way to win them back than with a really shitty song about how all your songs have been really shitty?

Anyway, lest you think that this is a totally useless and stupid product, I would like to present you with Exhibit A, or, evidence that it is completely pointless for anyone else to even bother using Songsmith, because it has already reached its pinnacle.

To Be Fair, That's What You Get

2009-01-13T11:01:00.003-05:00

If this story were reversed, I'd kind of understand it. But as it stands now, some schmo beat up the best thing that ever happened to him because instead of buying him a remote controlled airplane for Christmas, she bought him a nintendo wii (true story, I once drove behind a guy with the vanity plate "RC BOATER." Yikes.).

A couple accused of assaulting each other over an unappreciated Christmas gift have been ordered to stay away from each other.

Seriously though, how shitty a present must it have been to cause you to assault someone...over a gift! Christ almighty this type of shit drives me bananas, and not in a good way.

Randi Young, 24, and Heath Blom, 26, were arrested on Christmas day. Police said the pair argued after Blom complained about getting a Wii game system from Young instead of the remote controlled airplane he asked for. When Young started to leave, Blom allegedly grabbed her by the hair and she turned around and hit him.

Now. Here's how one should react when receiving any sort of nintendo system as a gift:

And here is how you should react whenever you get a remote controlled airplane as a gift:

See the discrepancy? She knew better than to get him the stupid present he asked for, and yet he tried to punish her for getting him a far superior present. This is the type of situation where I'm all for capital punishment.

In court Monday, Young asked that the no-contact order be lifted, saying they just had a bad Christmas. But the judge denied the request.

The judge probably would have been more sympathetic if he had told him he just had a black Christmas. Because holy hell does that seem like the worst thing ever. Anyway, so I guess my question is what is such an obviously awesome girl doing with such a complete shitbag? Couldn't she get away with stabbing him a couple times? "Your honor, he came at me after I gave him a wii instead of a remote controlled airplane." "My dear, I sentence you to... finish the job!" [judge tosses Randi an AK47, she shoots and murders Heath, everyone plays Mario Party]

sometimes there are no words.

2009-01-13T11:00:00.000-05:00

via the ridiculant.

Goodness, Gracious, Etc.

2009-01-06T14:06:00.002-05:00

Just like that, except way, way worse.

An Australian woman accused of setting her husband's genitals on fire because she thought he was having an affair has been charged with murder.

That's right. She lit his nuts on fire... and it killed him. Now, far be it from me to claim to be any sort of detective-y type guy, but this seems a tad drastic, even if you've got indisputable evidence. She thought he was cheating? Because lighting his dongle on fire seems like a knee-jerk reaction to maybe catching him in the act while he's cheating on you with your mom and doing it on your kid's bed or something... so what did this guy do, exactly?

Prosecutors said 44-year-old Rajini Narayan confessed to neighbors that she set her husband on fire on Dec. 8, 2008, after she saw him hug another woman.

...

He hugged a woman. Is that even grounds for suspicion? Couldn't you have just said "Who was that woman you were hugging?" As opposed to the usual "Give me your dick so I can set it ablaze!" Granted, I don't like people squeezing me with their bodies, so I'm no hugspert, but isn't that pretty innocuous? Maybe the woman saved him from a burning building, or returned a missing wallet or something. Of course, as always, this story gets better, so buckle up and keep all appendages inside the blogicle... or whatever. Shut up.

She was initially charged with endangering life and arson but the charges were upgraded to murder after her 47-year-old husband, Satish Narayan, died from his injuries last week.

So this guy gets his penis burned so badly that he's in the hospital for multiple weeks... Then dies from the injuries. And you wonder why people hate the Australians. Or maybe you don't. Do people hate Australians? Anyway, how'd she pull this off ?

Prosecutor Lucy Boord said Narayan told neighbors she was a "jealous wife" but she hadn't meant to kill him when she doused the sleeping man's genitals with an alcohol-based solvent and then set him on fire.

Well, no of course not. Why else would you light a sleeping man on fire, starting with the genital region?

Boord quoted Narayan allegedly saying: "I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else. ... I didn't mean this to happen."

Oh... I... see? So if you severely burn his dick, no one else will want it... except... you? The ol' light his dick on fire to spite others vaginas... or something. At what point does logic just stop occurring in people's brains? Shit like this will never make sense to me. But so anyway how the hell did this end up killing this poor bastard?

The husband jumped out of bed and knocked over the bottle of alcohol, causing the fire to spread and resulting in 1 million Australian dollars ($711,000) of damage to their town house and an adjacent property, the Adelaide Advertiser reported.

So it's his own fucking fault! Obviously don't knock over a bottle of alcohol when you're on fire mate! Did a dingo eat your brainby?[note to self: delete that, it's fucking awful] Seriously though, what the fucking fuck.

Narayan was remanded in custody for psychological assessment and will reappear in court Friday. She has been charged with murder, arson and three counts of endangering life, as the couple's three children were at home during the incident.

Whoa. Way to drop a bombshell there at the end, buck-o. They had three kids? Note to crazies: don't light shit in your house on fire when you have several sleeping children in said house. Also, I wonder how her psych evaluation will turn up. You think she'll be found to be fucking crackers? Also, this article never really gets to the most important aspect of this whole ordeal. Was the guy cheating on her or what?! Because if he was, he totally deserves that shit.

Wherever You Go, Never Order 'The Squeeze'

2009-01-05T14:25:00.004-05:00

Happy New Year Everyone! Welcome back for another year of stupid crap, obvious jokes, and horrifying news related to genitals.

Today I'd like to you to take away at least two lessons from this post. You can consider them things you can try to do this year to make it better than '08. First, never ask for 'the squeeze'. Secondly, and perhaps most important in your endeavors - as a way to avoid 'the squeeze' in the first place - if you are going to rob an old lady, remember to wear clothes.

Woman, 88, gives naked intruder the ‘squeeze’

The Multnomah County Sheriff's Office said an 88-year-old woman fended off a naked intruder by grabbing the man's crotch and squeezing. Deputy Paul McRedmond said the man got into the house Tuesday through a sliding door. He backed the woman into her living room and pushed her face down onto a chair.

Ok. So is there anything more humiliating than getting your robbery plot foiled by a geriatric woman? Oh right, getting your plot foiled by a geriatric woman who squeezes the shit out of your cock and nuts to do so. Also, was anyone else wondering how long it had been since she had someones dongle in her hand? I would say at least 2.5 decades. Does it make me fucked up that that was the first thing I wondered? No? Phew.

Let me at those nuts!!

That's when the woman reached behind and squeezed. The man tore free and fled.

Did you really have to say "tore" free? If you had just said "freed himself" or something, we would have gotten the same idea. You didn't have to write this such that anyone with meat and 'taters would cross their legs and cringe whilst reading, did you?

McRedmond said a county code enforcement officer who heard the police call on his radio spotted a car near the woman's house and passed on the license information to authorities.

They also then had the woman describe what he looked like, and the approximate size and shape of his penis and testicles.

Troutdale police arrested a 46-year-old man. He has been jailed on accusations of burglary, harassment and private indecency. Bail was set at $110,000.

...And fin. Nowhere does it explain why this man went into this old woman's house. So i suppose burglary is a safe assumption...BUT WHY THE FUCK WAS HE NAKED?! Maybe he thought the sight of a live penis would give the old bird a heart attack and he could rob her without having to worry about getting 'the squeeze'. Maybe she was a GGILF? Maybe he was robbed and was just looking for some kind soul to lend him some pants, and accidentally knocked her down. I am going to break this case wide open if it's the last thing I do! I'm going to put the system on trial!

UPDATE: Now with creepy video!

Mom Arrested For Being Awesome

2008-12-23T10:23:00.007-05:00

mom?

In Nevada yesterday, a woman was arrested for being totally awesome.

A 39-year-old woman was arrested last week on suspicion of smoking marijuana with her two teenage children. Douglas County sheriff's deputies said the woman was detained after they responded to a report of a suspicious vehicle. Deputies said the woman told them that she was teaching her son to drive, but they smelled marijuana emanating from the vehicle.

Look, I know this isn't the greatest parenting choice in the world. You can have that. But if you are one of the many thousands of people who believe that pot is just as innocuous as the very legal alcohol, this isn't really any worse than giving your kid a glass of wine with dinner, is it? I mean, I guess this is more like giving your kid a glass of wine while you teach him how to drive, but like I said, not the best parenting choice.

The suspect's son, whose age was unavailable, and 14-year-old daughter told deputies they had shared two bowls of marijuana with their mother.

Full disclosure: I had a friend in high school whose mom smoked pot with us. We used to go to his house and smoke pot and drink, and totally keep it on the down low. We thought we were totally awesome, which I guess could be the result of being 15 and really naive. Because then one day we're there and his mom breaks out a joint and asks for a light. Me and my friends immediately thought, "Wow! This is the coolest lady alive!" I wound up losing touch with the kid and have no idea how he turned out, so I guess I'm not really the best authority on the subject. But seriously, I don't smoke pot anymore, but I'm all for the legalization of it. Mainly because I love to see white kids with dreadlocks. I mean, I understand that it's illegal, but isn't that just because people are dicks?

That would be berbalerbs, if pot were legal... I mean shit, they filmed most of that short on our college campus!

The woman was booked into jail Tuesday on charges of child endangerment, contributing to the delinquency of a minor and possession of a drug.

I mean really though, child endangerment? What's the worst that could have happened, he drives 15 miles an hour and still freaks out that he's going faster than the speed of light? Because man have I been there. I mean, at least it's not snorting heroin, right?

The 14-year-old was released to Child and Protective Services, while the boy was placed in juvenile detention.

What? Why was one released to CPS and the other sent to juvey? Was the older one her dealer or something? That shit's wack son! Anyway, I guess the moral here is don't give your kid pot while teaching him how to drive. Kids learning to drive suck. They are bound to draw to draw attention to themselves, so try not to hot box your car. Though I guess the real moral here is if you're going to smoke pot with your kid, don't get caught, asshole.

Badly Doctored Comics

2008-12-19T01:12:00.001-05:00

And Finally, A Cologne for You Chubby-Chasers Out There

2008-12-18T16:16:00.004-05:00

Are you a man who is completely and overwhelmingly attracted to great big fat women? Are you having trouble seducing these rotund Aphrodites? Pheromones not attracting these large babes the way say... the enticing aroma of meat might? Well cheer the fuck up Charlie, because you are in luck this holiday season. To coin what I'm sure will become an immensely popular phrase, flame on!

The way to a man's heart may be through his stomach, but the way to a woman's heart — according to Burger King — may be through a new meat-scented body spray.

Of course, it's a treacherous path to said heart, filled with lipids and blockage from all that flame broiled deliciousness, not to mention all those cheesy tots. But seriously. Let's all take a step back and drink that in for a minute. A meat-scented body spray. Meditate on that.

While fast-food chains aren't exactly best known for selling signature fragrances, on Sunday The Home of the Whopper rolled out a men's body spray called Flame by BK. The 5-ml bottles are available for sale in Ricky's stores in New York City and on a dedicated Web site, firemeetsdesire.com.

That's right. Fire meets desire. If someone can explain that to me, I would greatly appreciate it. My question is this - has this been rolled out to garner attention from assholes like me? So that it will be purchased solely as a novelty, joke-type item? Does it really smell like meat? If so, is there a disclaimer about using this body spray in the woods and on camping trips and such?

If you're salivating for a chance to marinate yourself in flame-broiled flavor, relax: The experience can be yours for just $3.99 — a small price to pay for some seriously mouthwatering mojo.

That's right chubby-chasers. This shit is all for you. Because this shit:

Would never fucking happen. ...or would it?

"My assumption when I heard about it was that it would smell like french fries and burgers," said Luis Bejaran, 24, who manages a Ricky's store on Eighth Street in Manhattan. But, he said, that wasn't the case. "It's a combination of Axe body spray, TAG and this YSL cologne I have. It's one of those scents that's not sweet, and light at the same time."

So... it smells nothing like meat? Now I'm just flat-out confused.

While Bejaran said he would be certainly be willing to set his body a-Flame, his female co-workers were not so sure about its meaty merits. "It's not the best choice for a man," offered one.

My guess is that if he's managing a Ricky's, his body is already quite flaming enough as it is, thank you very much. Stupid easy jokes aside, His female coworker is probably not a huge fat pig, which is why she is sooooo not the right person to ask about this. Sell this shit in the south, not NYC, you guys are totally shooting for the wrong demo here.

Still, as of Wednesday afternoon Bejaran says the store had sold at least 10 bottles, and plenty more people had stopped in or called to inquire about it. Many were drawn in by the store's window display, which currently features "the Burger King guy, half-naked," said Bejaran. Only four Ricky's stores were lucky enough to get the "King" special window treatment, however.

See, I would absolutely want one of those window treatments, as they are hilarious:

The cologne itself, however? Not so much. Also, how many fucking Ricky's are there, if only 4 were lucky enough to get the 'royal' window treatment? How many Ricky's do we need, really?

It's true that the reclining, vaguely nauseating Burger "King" does not make for the sexiest spokesperson, but his appeal, like the fragrance itself, may lie in its ridiculousness.

"Yes, the first thing that comes to mind when you think of our cologne should be something vaguely nauseating. That is precisely what we were going for." Though to be fair anyone who would wear the cologne or anyone who would be attracted to someone wearing the cologne, is in all likelihood, at the very very best, vaguely nauseating.

It's Like Looking into the Future

2008-12-18T12:52:00.002-05:00

If there's 2 things that Berbalerbs loves, it's hip-hop and paying underage boys for sex. If there's three things Berbalerbs loves, it's hip-hop, paying underage boys for sex, and church choirs. Madame Ruby was kind enough to peer into the future for a few hundred dollars, and apart from providing me with the location of my missing bicycle (Texas here I come!), she also conjured up this vision of Berbles' future.

video found on theinternetisterrible (largely nsfw)

Jane! Stop this Crazy Thing... Or Don't... I Could Just Hop Off...

2008-12-18T10:36:00.005-05:00

So up in Buffalo NY, an inventor has come up with a brilliant way to cease expensive stops at local stations for non-stop express trains. The stroke of genius? Letting people off without stopping the train!

IF RAILROADS generally adopt a plan suggested by Rupert Wales, a Buffalo, N. Y. inventor, passengers on non-stop express trains will be able to get off and on at small wayside stations while the train rushes past at top speed. This feat will be accomplished by the use of a mono-rail transfer car, according to Mr. Wales.

I can't really see any downside to this... people in general are smart and capable enough as to where this shouldn't be a problem of any sort. Honestly though, you really might as well just slow the thing down a tad and let people jump off. If I may relay an anecdote here - I used to have to take the train to high school. I lived too far from it to get a bus, so the good Ol' LIRR took me to school every day. The trains on our line were old diesel trains. I mean very old. And often very crowded. This meant a lot of mornings spent sitting between cars. Now here's the thing about these old trains. Often, the doors were not exactly in proper working order. In retrospect, I have no clue how these fucking trains were legal. Anyway, there was an occasion where the door happened to be wide open, and a friend of mine and I were between cars. The train was pulling into the station, and this friend decided it would be funny to try and safely jump from the (fairly slow) moving train. This resulted in him tumbling several feet, knocking over several commuters waiting to get on to the train, multiple wounds, and endless hilarity. In light of this proposition from Mr. Wales, I would be willing to wager this exit strategy is infinitely less dangerous than the one he has proposed.

this little girl is dead now. are you happy, rupert?

Could you imagine an old woman trying to move from one (insanely fast) moving train onto another? I can, and it fucking rules. Picture it. Yea, there you go, you insensitive fuck, that poor old lady! Stop thinking about that shit, asshole! Anyway, how would this even work, Rupert.

This car is an electrically driven coach running on a mono-rail alongside the track on which the express train runs. The passengers board the transfer car, which accelerates rapidly as the train approaches until the speeds of the two are equal. The monorail car is then automatically clasped to the side of the Pullman, passengers get on and disembark from the train, and when all is in readiness the transfer car disengages itself from the train and slows down, returning to the station under its own power.

Yup, foolproof. Imagine a family of 5, with a mother holding two small children trying to move from one train to another, at 75 mph, while one of the older kids is throwing some kind of shit fit and generally being a doucheface. You don't think, aside from all of the accidents waiting to happen, there isn't going to be some temptation on a frustrated parent's part, to just give the little fuckstick a little shove? "Oh my god what happened?! He just fell! Now I only have these other two children I could barely provide for to begin with! How will I ever recover from this oh thank you so much, Shortline, for these millions and millions of dollars I'm to receive in compensation!"

Come on. You'd do it. You shitty person you. Who are you trying to kid?

Hey Bobby, Remember a Few Weeks Ago You Asked Me What "Irony" Meant?

2008-12-16T16:39:00.000-05:00

From Yahoo News:

US anti-kidnapping expert kidnapped in Mexico

"You see, ladies and gentlemen, the key to avoid being kidnapped is to always stay alert. Take me, for example. I practically sleep with one eye open. I know about things going down ACROSS THE ATLANTIC. I am always (phone rings)-- excuse me for a second, folks.

(Into phone) Y'ello? Delivery? For me? I didn't know anyone knew about my trip to Mexico. Huh. Right outside the building I'm in? Black van? Ok, seems-- heeeey, how do you know what building I'm in? Oh yeah? Google Maps can do that? Alright, I'll be right out. (hangs up)

Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll excuse me I just have to run out and grab something from someone in a black van. When we return, I'll tell you about all the horrible stories I've hear about people who get kidnapped. Five minute break!"

A U.S. anti-kidnapping expert was abducted by gunmen in northern Mexico last week, a sign of just how bold this nation's kidnapping gangs have become.

Or a sign of how bad this dude is at his job. Y'know. Just saying.

U.S. security consultant Felix Batista was in Saltillo in Coahuila state to offer advice on how to confront abductions for ransom when he himself was seized, local authorities said.

When asked if they'd re-schedule Batista's talk when/if he was rescued, local authorities said they'd "think about it" while making a dismissive wanking motion, and then asked us not to point out that they were wanking while saying it.

"We have notified the FBI and Mexican authorities, and they are working on the case," [Texas cop]LeBlanc said Monday. "What we are doing is we're offering our support to the family and hoping for the best."

I guess I didn't really have to add in the fact that he's a Texan if you read that second sentence clearly. Just to clarify:

"What we are doing is we're" = "We're"

Y'know. Just to sorta save time. I'm hoping the journalist who wrote this article started to correct LeBlanc's statement to make it sound like he wasn't a total fuckwit, and then decided "ah, fuck him, he's Texan" and left it as is.

A story in the December issue of the trade magazine Security Management describes how Batista organized relatives' response to a kidnapping in Mexico, even cooking the family at times.

Emphasis mine. Complete flabbergastery without any explanation his. I'm going to guess that "cooking the family" is some sort of ransom term that means...gonna go ahead and Google that, gimme one second...

Oh. That makes sense.

Mark Stevenson (author of the piece) did mean cook as in "prepare food."

He just didn't finish his sentence...in this version of the article...Uber fucking weirdly, he's got this same article on Federal News Radio WFED (I haven't the strength nor time to insert a K-FED joke. Why don't you go 'head?) and he's quoted as saying

Batista organized relatives' response to a kidnapping in Mexico, even cooking the family meals at times.

Ohhhhhhhh. So in the article for Yahoo, he just missed a few words at the end of perhaps the most insignificant sentence one can ever hope to write in an article containing words. He was such a good negotiator that he would...occasionally whip up some empanadas while trying to figure out how to get Pablo back? I mean what the fu--

He advised the family during months-long negotiations that eventually reduced the ransom request to about a third of the original amount the kidnappers had demanded.

--dgecake?! Huh? Oh. Oh, well that is pretty good. Can you imagine that?

BadGuy159370: Geev us de monee an' we don' keel dee girrrrrrl (What? They're Mexican. Don't look at me like that!)

GimmeBackMySelf: Leesten-- ahem, listen. We want the girl back. And we want to give you some money for her it's just--

BadGuy159370: Eees jus wat?

GimmeBackMySelf: 30 grand is alot...I mean...have you really given her a good look? Not exactly the next Penelope Cruz, amiright? AMIRIGHT? Imright.

BadGuy159370: Penelope Cruz isn't even Mex--

GimmeBackMySelf: The offer on the table is ten dollars, American.

BadGuy159370: Tain Doh-lars?!?!

GimmeBackMySelf: American, yes.

BadGuy159370: Oh das boolsheet, I keel de girrrrl now!

GimmeBackMySelf: Ok, ok, how about ten...thousand dollars?

BadGuy159370: Wail, da ees a lot bayder dan jur las' oh-fer. I take eet!

Y'know what this all kinda reminds me of? Remember that movie with Denzel Washington and fuckin' Marc Anthony where--

The seizure seems to echo the plot of a 2004 movie, "Man on Fire," in which Denzel Washington played a U.S. security consultant who takes on Mexican kidnappers and is abducted himself.

Way to steal my thunder, COCK. And Denzel isn't exactly "abducted himself" like this Batista guy sounds like he was. Denzel first, you know, killed every goddamned member of some big kidnapping group and then finally after he killed like 40000000000 people by shoving grenades up their asses (if you haven't seen this movie it's pretty kickass) he finally gives himself up in exchange for the kid he was protecting the whole movie, like, 10 minutes before he was going to die anyway. So, y'know, not exactly a mirror image, but whatevs.

Blah blah blah some web site posted some shit blah blah blah or whatever

And then:

The company denied local media reports that Batista was a former FBI agent, and warned those reports could put his life at risk.

So I went ahead and published it everywhere I could. 'Cause I'm Mark fuckin' Stevenson. And ya know what I say? FUCK Texas!

What's that? He's not? Originally from Arizona. Huh.

Oh well, FUCK Arizona too!

Letters to Santa

2008-12-16T09:56:00.003-05:00

So as Christmas time approaches, there are various charities that do things like take children's letters to Santa and respond to them, or buy them the presents they're asking for, etc. Well it turns out a good buddy of mine works at the post office. So he was kind enough to steal several letters to Santa, and we here at the Gallimaufry decided to answer these letters, just in time to spread some holiday cheer. Without further ado, here are some letters to Santa, and our responses to them.

Dear Santa,

I am writing this letter from prison. Paducah Penal Institute has recently instituted a pen pal program in which we are required to write letters to people and try and start up some semblance of a relationship with a person on the outside. The corrections officers recommended someone we love. A family member, a friend, whomever. Having murdered all of these people with several pounds of C4 at last years Yom Kippur atonementganza, I have decided to write my letter to you. I hope this letter finds you well, and if you do happen to decide to swing by this jail cell on Christmas morning, well I'd certainly appreciate some jenkem under my toilet.

Yours,

Saul Costelman.

Dear Saul,

I gather from your letter that you are a Jew. Now, far be it from me or any of my elves to stick it to minorities (how many Santas are there? I'm like the ultimate minority!), but you already have 8 days of gifts, which I'm sure where you are come in the form of beatings and forced sodomy. Perhaps Saul, should you ever take a trip to Damascus, then we can talk. Until then, Shalom!

Kris Kristoferson Kringle.

Dear Santa,

My name is Bernie Kimbel. I am 8 years old. I want The Dark Knight and Iron Man on Blu Ray. I also want a PS3 so I can watch the blu ray dvds and I also want the dark knight and iron man toys so I can play with them while I watch the movies. I also want you to take my little sister and put her in a tree in the middle of the ocean so I don't have to see her stupid face any more. She smells and likes stupid barbies and dora toys. Please don't give her these toys so I can laugh in her face with Batman and Iron Man.

From Bernie Kimbel.

Dear Bernie,

No hi how you doing? Straight to business with you huh. First off, isn't 8 too young to be watching the Dark Knight? What the fuck is wrong with your parents? I want you to wrap your fist up as a present to mom and dad, and when they open it, punch them directly in the face and say that that's from Santa, for raising such a little rotter of a son. Why don't you try not being a complete shitstain to your sister? How about this, I give your sister a bunch of Barbies and Dora toys, and then I have my reindeer shit in a box and give that to you? God I hate kids.

Santacrest out.

Dear Santa,

My name is Herman Starksaddle (But you knew that didn't you!). I know you see me when I'm sleeping and when I'm awake, but I hope this year you have heeded my warning last year that you take your eyes off me for the entire hour of 9pm to 10pm while Heroes is on. I know last year you felt it your duty to not give me the gift of being out of my parents house, and that's fine. 35 is the new 20. I would have appreciated at least a gift certificate to the electrolysis place though. Having massive amounts of back hair coupled with all of the acne on my back has made it a bit tough with the ladies, if you know what I mean (sometimes Hayden Panettiere is not enough! nomnomnom!). Anywho, this year, in addition to the lightsabers and Indy 4 Blu Ray, I would really appreciate some ointment for these rashes. I can't go out in public like this! The insides of my rectum are on FIRE! Nothing merry about anything coming down this chimney, I can tell you that much. Anyway, hopefully you'll come earlier than you did last year (I waited and waited but I ate the cookies and drank the milk). Anxiously awaiting your return!

Herm

/lights letter on fire

/showers

Dear Santa,

I am a 9 year old girl in Texas and all I want for Christmas is to have my uncle stop molesting me.

/tugs collar awkwardly

/forwards letter to police

/after careful consideration, refuses to touch with a 10 foot pole.

SERIOUSLY? F*CK THIS KID

2008-12-15T13:14:00.000-05:00

So as you may already know, I'm in a bit of a...mood, especially when it comes to anything relationship-y. I glare at couples that get all PDA-y on the subway. I change the channel when I see a romantic movie on TV. I shy away from hanging out with my couple-friends.

I curse the shit out of 9 year olds who think they've got this "girls" thing figured out. Y'know. Little of this. Little of that.

He's only 9, but this pint-sized pickup artist already knows plenty about pleasing the ladies.

In light of recent events, I'm not exactly the expert on "the ladies," but let me unequivocally tell you that NO, no this little fucktwat doesn't know plenty about "pleasing the ladies." And if he does, his parents should be arrested. Fucking pervs.

Alec Greven's dating primer, "How to Talk to Girls" - which began as a handwritten, $3 pamphlet sold at his school book fair - hit the shelves nationwide last week.

Ok ferreals? I know this is all just as fucking adorable as all get-out, and good for him and all this, but if I ever see this kid I'm going to boot him like I'm trying to make a game-winning 54 yard field goal with 0:03 left on the clock in the Super Bowl.

In a related story, I'm not bitter.

The fourth-grader from Castle Rock, Colo., advises Lothario wannabes to stop showing off,

WRONG shitstain! Bitches love it when I do a forward round-off for them in the club. Having done multiple years of gymnastics as a child is SEXY to the ladies and so not gay that it literally, physically hurts.

go easy on the compliments to avoid looking desperate

Well...ok. I mean I guess this is how a 9 year old would say "don't love these ho's." So yea...I'll give him this one.

- and be wary of "pretty girls."

...

...

Ok so fine, that's another valid point. I'm still all like, "fuck this kid." Not in the literal sense though. That's fucking gross. You pervert.

"It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry," he writes in Chapter Three.

Ooo, ooo, um, also? Um, they're also fucking physically attractive dipshit! And maybe it changes through the years, or from locale to locale, because big earrings and fancy dresses around the greater New York area, don't necessarily guarantee "pretty:"Although she did have a show where a bunch of assclowns competed to get with her, so maybe she's doing something right.

"Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil."

YEA BUDDY, NOW WE'RE FUCKIN TALKIN!!! Yea, they need a LOT of "oil," hehehehehe amiright amiright amiright? Imright.

Sorry what? Simile inferring being "high maintenance?" Oh. OHHHHH...ok. Makes sense. I was just about to be all, "a little young for the 'fucking' analogies, aren't we?" but, so yea. Pretty girls are high maintenance. This kid isn't a total Trig Palin.

The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don't let them get to you."

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Hi there, everybody! Brent Cocklog here. Long time no see! Ahem, our dear friend and my co-worker Berbalerbs just ran by my desk crying and mumbled something about "finish my blog" or "pretty girls" or "I'm gonna end it" or maybe all three or something but hey! Here I am! Let me just catch up with all of you and read what we have so far...

Hm...

Okay...

Hehe, bitter much? But whatever, let's keep stompin' on the 9 year old.

As for his how-to, he concedes, "I never expected people to buy it like a regular book in a bookstore."

And there you have it. 9 year old's logic > Huge National Publisher Harper Collins' logic

But with classic plain-spoken advice - like "comb your hair and don't wear sweats" - it's no surprise his 46-page book was a hit with boys and girls of all ages.

So...let me get this straight...this is a book that hypothetically parents will buy for their 8 and 9 year olds...so that the children...can learn how to effectively tapdatass? 'Cause if you're trying to reach adults, you're going to have to do WAAAAAAYY better than "comb your hair and don't wear sweats." I mean, for starters, you can go research and write about which roofies are the hardest to trace? Huh? Now that's relationship advice I can get behind...

...

...

...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA "GET BEHIND" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH GOD I COULDN'T HOLD IT. Onwards,

He believes the best way to approach a girl is to keep it to a simple "hi."

Now this is where he is actually very similar to adults who, you know, have actually dated before and have any fucking business writing books like these. They all say this. "Just say hi." "Just walk on up and say, 'Hi! I'm Brent!'" AND FUCKING THEN WHAT, CAPTAIN TAINT?!? Just stand there like a fucking labatomy post-op, waiting for her to say "wow, your candor and forwardness makes me really curious as to what your dick tastes like!"

At this point we get it. Pick-up lines, in the traditional sense, are corny. They come off sleazy, and nobody (especially not that fine-ass chick you just strolled up to) finds them funny. It is better to just go up to someone and introduce yourself. That isn't really the problem. Maybe it's difficult for us to muster up the courage to walk up to a girl we find attractive, but we know how to walk up to them and I'm pretty sure a healthy majority of us are comfortable by now with how to introduce one's self, but THEN WHAT? And if you don't have an answer, fine, but stop treating this "just say hi" shit like it's a complete answer. It's not.

As for his own love life, he said he is not dating anyone at the moment. "I'm a little too young," he confessed.

"Although," he added, "certainly not too young to write about the subject as an expert and expect people to pay money for my writing. I'm definitely experienced enough for that."

Dating - which he defines as going out to dinner without your parents - is for "kind of old" people, who are 15 or 16.

I'm kinda starting to see why Berbalerbs ran screaming.

Alec - who just finished a children's book on the Watergate scandal

Well, whoopdee fuckin-- really? He wrote about Watergate? Hm. I wonder if it was from the perspective of Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein or that of Nixon and his cronies...I mean, FUCK THIS KID!

Not literally, of course. That's fucking gross. You pervert.

Dr. Pemulis's 100% Natural Good Time Family Subway Solution: The Imaginary Hero

2008-12-15T12:32:00.004-05:00

It's been a while since our last installment of my good time family subway solution, but this really stuck in my craw this morning. I'm sure we've all been in subways that resemble this before:

Naturally, this is unpleasant for all parties involved. However, most considerate and decent people try their best to make sure that you are not obnoxiously bumping into someone or doing anything particularly annoying, so as to make the ride as tolerable as possible for everyone on the train. Not so this morning. A fairly crowded train in this morning (it takes me 3 - sometimes 4 - trains to get to the office). So there's a woman a couple of feet from me, and the train is a bit shaky, as trains tend to get. Now, she is swaying a bit, and her purse continually knocks into me. I'm sure you've all been there. It's not a huge deal, not the end of the world to be sure, but it is fucking. annoying. I have nowhere to move to, and she could very easily take half a step forward and avoid hitting me with her goddamn bag every with every downbeat the subway takes. Begin transmission from brain:

Say something bitch. I bet you think it's my fucking fault that your purse keeps hitting me. Fucking say something you stupid cow. Say something and I will fucking throw you in the gap and make sure your stupid whore face gets run over. Bet it would be an improvement. Fuck you and your stupid ugly purse. Bet you have like a thousand dildos in there you ugly would be slut. Move you fuck! Take half a goddamn step that way so your purse stops fucking hitting me. I know you can fucking feel it, just fucking move. Why are you hell bent on having me destroy you with my mind. MURDERMURDERMURDERMURDER. Come on bitch, say something so that I can explain politely how it's your fault and then end the sentence by politely suggesting you fuck yourself on a railroad spike while the rest of the subway car cheers me on like the hero that I am. Standing up for the imprisoned everywhere. We won't take your shit anymore!!!

Her(hitting me again): Excuse me.

Me: Oh, sorry (steps awkwardly to left).

Brain: Bitch. Lucky she didn't say anything. Just sayin' excuse me. Man, fuck you. Lucky you didn't try and start some shit, because man did we have some shit to say.

OH GOD HE'S GOING TO TRY AND ACTUALLY WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING

2008-12-12T12:48:00.005-05:00

Hey, shut up, title of my blog!! Why you always gotta be so hurtful?

So ok, before I start pouring you all a cup of downer juice (now with REAL strawberrys!) I want to update our loyal readership (what's good Pem??) on a story I began to tell in an earlier blog.

Maybe [I'm mad] at the bartender last night for mixing my rum and cokes so strong that I woke up this morning an hour and a half late while still fully dressed in my clothes from the night before and later learned that I had to be dragged-- literally dragged-- out of the bar and have no recollection of my trip home. (Thanks to Pem and Kramez for the assist).

Now why would I stop telling a story that began like that?? Well, because I wasn't cognizant for the remainder of it.

What Berbalerbs Thought Happened When He Returned Home: Went to sleep.

What Actually Happened Upon Berbalerbs's's Arrival Home: He saw his next door neighbor, chilled for a while, realized he had lost his fucking phone and then his neighbor kept calling it until a cabbie picked up and returned it (to which a plasteredfaceded Berbalerbs awarded by giving him $10). Then apparently B wanted a little more substance to the evening. The green substance that happens to have some side effects if you happen to light it on fire, to be exact. So let's just say we have "people" who are most helpful in situations such as these, and some...substance was attained. And apprently a LOT of it was consumed (I should pause here and let you know that besides it being fucking HILARIOUS that I did all of this whilst blacked out, this particular piece of news was glorious to hear, because I had been walking around all day mad at myself for "losing" $50). Then I insisted that I wanted to lay vocals for a song we'd been working on (hehe, "we'd," hehe) and obviously that was an epic FAIL. All in all, I apparently was up for like 2 more hours than I thought, made some purchases, tried to record something, and retrieved the phone that I wasn't aware that I lost.

Funny stuff right? Right. Now let's talk about how I got dumped last night, in a piece I'd like to call

Fuck You, Facebook Relationship Status. Fuck You Right in The Eye.

So I'm at my place, and I just finished hearing the hilarious antics of blacked-out me. I'm down in the kitchen getting some snacks. I'm happy the work day is over.

Then I get a text from my girlfriend.

hey can we talk?

Eesh. Doesn't sound like great news. Called. Turns out, it wasn't great news.

Now I'm not going to go over the fine points of why it happened. I'm not really 100% sure why it did, and I'm not in the position nor the mood to speculate. The break-up was very much the "it's not you it's me," and I do appreciate that she did it as opposed to letting it drag on when she wasn't into it. Still, it sucks pretty fucking bad.

So I'm trying my best to process this whole thing (kinda came out of nowhere...either that or I have to step my "noticing the obvious" game up), and it something occurs to me.

A chill shoots up my spine.

Meer days before, I did something that I will never ever do again ever in my life ever again ever in my life ever again ever. Ever. Never. Ever. Again in my life. Ever.

Never.

Ever.

Again.

In my life

Ever.

I changed my fucking Facebook Relationship Status to "In a Relationship."

Ever.

Never.

Ever.

In my life. Again. Ever.

There is a new line of thinking in this "Web 2.0" world, that nothing, NOTHING is a more official indicator of the level of seriousness of an individual's social status than the fucking Facebook Relationsip Status. I mean, you must be really fucking serious to click on that little pencil icon near your personal information and choose an option from a drop-down menu on a social networking website usually used for "Pimp Fighting" friends and family.

We (girl and I) had been exclusive and pretty serious for a while (not terribly long, we had dated for 3 or 4 months and been really serious for like 6 weeks or something), but I had waited to "make the big move" (aka change my relationship status on facebook) in fear that I would change the status, and then something would happen and then I'd look like a big loser-faced loser because I had to change it right back. Phew, glad that didn't happen!

The reason for my trepidation? Well, this has happened to me before. Fairly recently actually. With the last girl I was in a relationship with. I think I'll look back at 2008 as the year "Love Took a Steaming Dump On My Face." The last one was a whole other set of circumstances (and thank GOD-fully I didn't change my status last time), but long story short, literally a day after I finally got the balls to be straight with this girl and tell her I cared about her and wanted to be exclusive and wanted to be her boyfriend (which she seemed very happy about), she avoided my calls for a week and finally called me and dumped me.

Now that SUCKED. But at least it wasn't presented neatly to all of my friends, co-workers, acquaintances, some total strangers, and a few camera-phone whores who want 10,000 friends by 2009. At least it wasn't the 800 lb. gorilla in the room to basically EVERYONE I KNOW.

Maybe that's why it's seen as such an official thing. This is how we communicate anymore. I have friends who won't answer a phone call, but when I follow up with a text, they hit me back immediately. I have friends who won't answer any method of phone communication but will respond to a Facebook message within 10 minutes of my sending it. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is: I have friends (REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU HEAR FROM PEM! THAT GUYS A DOUCHE!).

So I did it. I just got rid of the whole "Relationship Status," and I guess I'm wondering why I ever decided to show it in the first place. Maybe it's because 2008 really hasn't been a bad year for me at all, and for most of it I was available, and maybe I just wanted all those camera-phone whores to know I was available.

Well, thanks for letting me waste your time. I'll try and find a story about someone hitting someone else with a dildo or a good video of a nut-shot before the days end.

Peace bitches.

EPIC OLD MAN WIN

2008-12-12T10:41:00.002-05:00

This is not Scott Wagar. But I imagine him to look at least something like this. Who is Scott Wagar, you are most assuredly asking yourself. Well I'll tell you. He's an old man who was sick of teens TPing his house. So he shot them... with fox piss.

A 50-year-old man who told authorities he was fed up with teens toilet-papering his house decided to defend his property — with a squirt gun filled with fox urine.

WIN. If you are the kids who were toilet papering his house, you have to tip your cap and move on, right? He wins, hands down.

Now, Scott Wagar is in trouble with the law.
Wagar pleaded not guilty on Wednesday in Kandiyohi County District Court to misdemeanor assault and other charges. He was released on personal recognizance.

WHAT?! They were toilet papering his house! Self defense motherfuckers! This man should be cleared of all charges and issued a metal immediately. How could he be any more bad ass?

According to police, Wagar was on his property Sept. 16 when he used night vision goggles to see 15-20 people running toward his place. He told police that he told them to leave, swore at them and sprayed them with the fox urine. He also allegedly struggled with one of the teens.

That's right. That's how. Night vision goggles? Are you kidding me? This guy is awesome! What did the cops say, "You're under arrest for being 150% amazing" ? Guess what. Those stupid kids had it coming.

It's weird. As a young person, I pretty much unabashedly hate old people, but I know that before long I will be the crotchetiest old man who ever lived, and will then hate young people will a burning white-hot passion, but I can't help sitting here thinking that both mes are one hundred percent correct.

NO ONE F*CKING CARES

2008-12-11T15:30:00.000-05:00

On MSNBC:

Joe the Plumber ‘angry’ McCain backed bailout

I don't know who I'm mad at right now, but I'm fucking MAD.

Maybe it's at Joe Wurzenfucker for not realizing he is a moot point now.

Maybe it's at the mainstream media for treating this jackass like he's anything more than a closeted racist whom John McCain referenced while grasping at straws during an ultimately failed campaign.

Maybe it's at the bartender last night for mixing my rum and cokes so strong that I woke up this morning an hour and a half late while still fully dressed in my clothes from the night before and later learned that I had to be dragged-- literally dragged-- out of the bar and have no recollection of my trip home. (Thanks to Pem and Kramez for the assist).

Regardless, get ready for a lot of cursing. Like, a fucking LOT of it. Let's begin.

Turns out that "Joe the Plumber" isn't such a big fan of John McCain after all.

Y'here THAT, 'Merica?? It turns out that some jagballs in the midwest who was referenced (not even by his full name) in a Presidential Debate by the guy who lost the fucking election isn't such a big fan of the guy who referenced him!!! If you are a journalist and this is your opening sentence, and you decide to continue writing the article, you should be drawn and quartered on Pay-Per-View television.

[Wurzelfucker] said he was appalled by the Republican presidential candidate's reasons for supporting the government's $700 billion bank rescue plan, and he said they nearly caused him to abandon McCain.

ABANDON HIM HOW?? It's over, the election is fucking OVER. You lost!!! Are they, like, lovers? Is that how Joe the Retard is going to abandon him? Are they both stranded in the Himalayas right now, and John McCain broke a leg and Joe said "I'll never leave you," to which McCain replied "I'm supporting the bailout," at which point Joe went silent, slowly stood up, took a few steps away, and then decided to go back?

Samuel J. Wurzelbacher said he asked McCain why he voted for the bank bailout and was stunned by some of the answers.

Yea. His first name isn't really Joe. And he isn't really a plumber. So, "Sam the Queef" is actually more accurate. You know what "stunned" me, "Joe?" When you agreed with some cunt blister's assertion that "an Obama presidency would mean a death to Israel," during a pathetic "press conference" you held in your little Bumblefuck town. It's bad, really bad when a FOX News anchor berates you for supporting a conservative.

Wurzelbacher, who endorsed McCain a week before the election and joined him on the campaign trail, didn't say exactly what set him off, hinting that would be in his book that is due out this month.

Yes. Yes that's correct. His book. His fucking book. This fucking clueless NOBODY who was a name of interest for a whole fucking week wants you and I to shell out our hard-earned money so that we can read a book that I GUARANTEE YOU HE DIDN'T WRITE about his week traveling with some dude who wanted to be president but was unsuccessful in his attempt.

He said the only reason he didn't get off the McCain bandwagon was "because the thought of Barack Obama becoming president scares me even more."

To which he added, "n*****."

Oh, and as a fucking HUGE surprise to no one, he loooooves him some Sarah Palin.

"It disgusts me on how often they try to bash her just for her sincerity," he said. "She really wants to work for America."

Yes, Joe the Fuckface. That's the reason people tried to bash her. For her sincerity. Not because she was as qualified to be vice president as my left nut is(actually, my left nut is and always has been aware that Africa is a continent, so...), not because she obviously had no idea what she was doing and looked like a deer in headlights, not because she was a hokey Howdy-Doody motherfucking PR move with a knocked up daughter, a kid named fucking Trig and a eunic for a husband. We bashed her for her sincerity. Just like we bash you for being so sincere, Sam the Author.

He's Got a New CatFace!

2008-12-11T14:18:00.004-05:00

I'd be lying if I said this post wasn't an excuse to put up cat face videos, so I figure I might as well admit it right up front. I saw this story and immediately thought "a perfect excuse for cat face videos." Anyway, apparently a vet reattached a cat's face.

Me-ouch! Veterinarians on Tuesday performed an unusual surgery to reattach the face of a cat they believe was injured by a car's fan belt, probably because she tried to stay warm under the hood.

Me-ouch indeed. Here's the cat now:

if you'd a killed tony stark when i told you to, you'd still have a face

Edgar, a 4-year-old long-haired feline, went missing from her home in Winthrop for three days last week. When she finally came home, her owner found her in her litter box — with part of her face dangling from her head.

When reached for comment, Edgar said: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it. It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck.

Anyway, holy fucking shit this is starting to depress me. Either way, apparently the cat's going to be totally fine, so let's just make with the cat face already.

What're You Supposed to Be? The Pig That Stole Christmas?

2008-12-10T11:53:00.004-05:00

Let's say you're driving around Orlando, Florida (presumably high and headed to Disney World or sobering up and leaving Disney World) and you run a red light. Soon after, you hear sirens. Fuck.

So you check yourself in the mirror to see if the Visine has taken full effect, practice your best sober rendition of "is there a problem officer?" and wait for the cop to knock on your window.

***Knock knock knock***

"Ahem, um, is there a problem offi--""Merry Christmas!!!"

"Oh. Oh! That's pretty cool, man! Thanks! Merry Christmas to you too! So is this an annual thing you guys do or--"

"Sir, are you aware you ran a red light?"

"...sorry?"

"You ran a red light, sir. I'm giving you a ticket."

"Um...then why are you dressed up as an elf?"

"SIR! I'll ask you not to take this lightly! Running red lights is a serious infraction and you put yourself and others at risk by doing so!"

"But...but..."Officer hands him ticket

"Happy Holidays sir."

"Thanks...dick."

"What did you--"

"Nothing!"

The Orange County Sheriff's Office [said? reported? either way, sic] the deputies disguised as Christmas characters patrolled a single intersection from 7:30 a.m. to 9:30 a.m. Tuesday and dolled out 50 tickets -- each carrying a fine of $201 -- for running red lights

Wow. Well at least this helps dispell the common perception of cops generally being dicks who abuse their power. And disguised as an elf and the Grinch? The fact they're coming out of a police cruiser kinda ruins the surprise. But in all seriousness, there's no other reason to do this other than to be a MASSIVE prick.

"Hey, Bobby I gotta great idea, it'll really get 'em on our traffic patrol tomorrow. See, when we pull over someone for speeding or runnin' a red light or something, we--"

"Gun rape them?"

"No, Bobby. Enough with the gun rape."

"Fine, Dr. Killjoy, what's your idea?"

"We dress up like Christmas characters, right? And so when we pull people over, they'll get the idea that we're spreading holiday cheer!"

"Then what?"

"What else? We fine 'em $200 and ruin their day. But you see, we'll ruin their day worse than usual 'cause we build 'em up before!"

"Sounds good! Could use a little more gun rape in my opinion, but yea, let's fuckin' do it!"

"We just want to keep everyone safe," the deputy dressed as the elf said.

Yes. That's why these buffoons are dressed up in costumes! It...increases the...safeness, I guess?..of the community...um...by...because it...nope. They're just pricks.

BREAKING NEWS: Madonna is Insufferable C*nt, PETA is Stupid

2008-12-09T12:27:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I guess maybe neither of those two statements are really "groundbreaking," but the article was written by Courtney Hazlett. My Courtney Hazlett.

Shhhh, don't speak...just lay back and-- you did finish the drink I mixed you right? All of it? Goooooood...now shhhh...

Fuss over Madonna's stolen photos isn't over

The brouhaha surrounding the wedding photos [of Madonna and Guy "What the HELL was I thinking" Ritchie] — which were stolen from her Beverly Hills home by an interior decorator — might not be over.

Of course it's not over. Madonna, in her old age, seems to worry less and less about the public is seeing her true personality, and more about just staying in the news literally any way she can.

Every girl in the history of ever: Ew, shut up Berbalerbs! Why would Madonna need to do anything to be in the news?!? She's frickin' MADONNA!

Name Madonna's last legitimate hit.

...

...

...

...

Every girl in the history of ever: Um, she kissed Britney that one time on MTV...

That was 2003.

...

...

...

Every girl in the history of ever: Finish your stupid post.

So the basic storyline here, from what I can tell (Courtney's strong suit isn't writing, if you catch my drift...huh? HUH???) Madonna's interior decorator stole some wedding photos from Guy and Madonna's wedding (Sex. Is what I was referring to earlier. When I was talking about Courtney's strong suit.) and later sold them to publications, who...y'know...published them. Then Madonna was all "you can't print those!!" which was completely warranted and understandable.

OK! did print a retraction that reads...“The individual who supplied the photographs to us had no right to do so...photographs were not authorized for publication...OK! is trying to cut a deal with Madonna where she will never appear in the magazine again without approval.”

Ok. Sounds good. They admitted their mistake. They're going to give extremely generous preferential treatment to Madonna from now on. I'll bet you sources close to Madonna will say that this totally satisfied her.

A source close to Madonna says that won't satisfy her

Oh wait. That's right. Madonna's an insufferable cunt. How DARE they print 8 year old photos of an event that has since become a moot point!!!

"Madonna could take them for millions. In this economy, millions could be the difference between staying in circulation or not."

Well, at the very least, Madonna could be elimintating a few hundred jobs, and in this current economic boom we're experiencing this could help rectify the job surplus we currently have in the US.

Moving On,

PETA protests Britney Spears' 'Circus'

If you're wondering, when they refer to 'Circus' they are talking about her new song, not her life.

In the video for her new single "Circus," PETA claims Spears uses "cruelly trained lions and elephants even after PETA wrote to her and explained in graphic detail how trainers shock, whip, and beat exotic animals into performing."

To which Britney replied, "well how the hell do you think I learned the routines?!? Whips work. Period."

PETA is asking fans to contact Spears and demand that she stop blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I understand what PETA's trying to do here, but they always come off as fucking psychopaths. Like, this is a pretty mild thing for them to do. Usually it's assaulting people or throwing blood on them or tackling models on the runways (because of course they're the masterminds behind the degradation of animals). Have you ever heard anything in the news about PETA accomplishing something? Or, like raising money or saving a whale or some shit? Really, think about that. I'm not saying they've never actually accomplished anything...it's just that they've never actually accomplished anything AND they're stupid.

And that's about it...Courtney follows up with an almost impossibly bland article given that the title is "Emma Watson will go naked," (spoiler alert: Courtney actually means "Emma Watson isn't opposed to going naked in a film, but not any time soon, and only for some random Italian director." So. Yeah. Not too exciting.) and then gives the most pathetic "Celebrity Sightings" list I've ever seen in my life (which I guess isn't a Herculean feat...I've seen like, 4 celeb sightings lists in my life).

The "celebrities:"
Tom Arnold (I shit you not, they started off the list with Tom fucking Arnold)
Illeana Douglas (um?)
Michael Rosenbaum (so apparently Illeana and Michael are on the show "Smallville," as it explains in the article. If you have to explain why someone is famous after their name...they're not famous.)
Rocco DiSpirito (chef who used to have a reality TV show)
Gerard Butler (and his plate of rock shrimp tempura) (that first parenthetical statement was from the article...as in Ms. Hazlett felt it necessary to the story that her readers knew what some dude who I've never heard of was eating...at some point in his life. Idunno, maybe the tempura was supposed to be the celebrity?)
Nick Cannon was spotted (sans wife Mariah Carey) (Woah WTF? When did this happen?!? Isn't Nick Cannon, like, 14 or something???)
Spike Mendelsohn (Top Chef person, may or may not have won)
Former “Desperate Housewives” star Jesse Metcalfe (Former as in, left the show in 2007. Since then his resume includes the films Loaded and Insanitarium. You haven't heard of them either? Ok, good. Thought it was just me.)

Off With Your Head, Egg Toucher!

2008-12-09T10:12:00.005-05:00

I remember growing up there was a book in my bathroom about weird laws in the US. I think the title or cover was about donkeys in bathtubs. As a matter of fact, here we go. I remember thinking I was so cool for knowing that you couldn't eat garlic then go into a theater in bumblefuck, wherever. Trying to memorize as many as possible, so as to be able to recite them and seem precocious and funny to company. Luckily, I've forgotten most of that crap. Anyway, you are probably asking yourself what - if anything - this has to do with anything. Don't question my motives, jerkface! I always.have.a.plan. Sure, that plan generally involves peanut butter and unsuspecting neighborhood dogs, but it's a plan nonetheless. That last sentence helps seamlessly segue into my point, apparently England has some weird laws too!

touch these and die, motherfuck!

Britons are forbidden from disturbing packs of eggs and from selling game killed on a Sunday, it was revealed Thursday by an opposition MP who condemned ministers for introducing ridiculous laws.

If there's any time more properly spent than introducing ridiculous laws, it's taking the time to point out these laws in the hopes of getting these stupid and unenforceable laws removed from the books.

The day after Prime Minister Gordon Brown's government laid out its legislative agenda for the coming year, Liberal Democrat lawmaker Chris Huhne noted the stream of sometimes "completely bizarre" new offences it had created.

Well, fine. Some of the things they put in there are stupid. So what? You might be asking yourself. Well, lay it on us, Huhney, what's the rumpus?

Since the Labour party took power in 1997 under then prime minister Tony Blair, it has created 3,600 new criminal offences, Huhne said -- adding this was "massively complicating" the job of police and the criminal justice system.

Yea, it's going to make it extra tough for the bobbies. What do I do if I see someone disturbing a package of eggs? Do I arrest them or do I consider that my time my be better spent elsewhere doing other things that might be slightly more important!? I mean if anything this just provides the coppers more reasons to get to use their night sticks, a measure I'm highly in favor of.

"Some of these offences are completely bizarre -- for example, the offence of causing a nuclear explosion," he told members of parliament (MPs).

What? That actually sounds like a very reasonable thing to arrest someone for... it actually sounds like an incredibly egregious offense, if anything. Please, elaborate in a way that makes little to no sense.

"The idea that anyone might cause a nuclear explosion without killing anybody, and therefore being subject to a possible charge of murder, is extremely far-fetched."

So... the offense brought up is setting off a nuclear explosion but... not killing people? This last sentence makes zero fucking sense and if you think you understand it and can explain it to someone with an IQ well into the 70's, please drop me a line.

Other new offences include "wilfully pretending to be a barrister" [ed: wikipedia says this is some kind of lawyer. I stopped reading like 4 sentences in because who fucking cares], "disturbing a pack of eggs when instructed not to by an authorised officer" and "offering for sale a game bird killed on a Sunday or Christmas day", he said.

As opposed to unwillingly pretending to be a 'barrister', but seriously, isn't impersonating a lawyer actually a pretty serious kind of offense? I don't get half the shit they're talking about. It's like they're half actually ridiculous, and half actual crimes. Make up your mind about what you want considered ridiculous! We can't play Monopoly on the 4 Tuesday of a leap year! And also we can't murder our offspring! Stop these crazy laws!

Huhne accused the government of doing nothing to repeal these laws. Justice minister Jack Straw asked for a full list of the ones the MP wanted removed from the statute books so that he could review them.

Other crimes that are part of the 3,600 that were not mentioned in the article:

No longer are you allowed to take a train and eat it, piece by piece, after you just derailed it with your penis. Even if it's for charity.

Gang rape has been outlawed.

All calculators must remove the number 9. Fuck that number.

If you do disturb a package of eggs, the only way to avoid conviction is to fertilize all of the eggs. If any of the eggs are not fertilized, you will lose a toe.

Those who steal from business establishments will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

All bananas purchased from your local grocer's must have the letter Q lazer etched into the peel.

If you shave your grandmother's head on a day that falls on a prime number, you will be shot in the back of the head, executioner style, by a Chinese man.

If you talk about Fight Club, nothing will really happen. Those first two rules they mention are just scare tactic bullshit. Talk about it all you want, fatshit!

It is considered murder, not abortion, if the fetus is no longer in the womb and is over the age of 6.

The National animal of England will no longer be the Lion, but instead be a spicy taco.

Given: The 2009 American Cancer Society Dogswalk Against Cancer Will Be the Most Important Event in the History of Planet Earth

2008-12-08T11:20:00.015-05:00

***In honor of the Dogswalk, and to avoid this article being COMPLETELY Godless and disrespectful, I shall substitute all forms of the "F word" with the word "bark"***

I think it's pretty clear why I'm writing this article: The 2009 Dogswalk Against Cancer is going to be so uncontrollably kickass amazing that it makes me want to punch you right in the barking face. Yes, you.
Here's a pic from last year's party* and this year promises to be more of the same! Only with dogs! And more strobe lights*! Feel like punching someone in the face yet? Of barking course you do!!!

Afterparty, 2007 Dogswalk*

I really don't mean to overstate this*, but the 2009 Dogswalk will be the single greatest moment we as a collective human race will ever/can ever experience and if you're not going to be there you are genuinely a bad person and hell-bound and probably can't get a date because your breath smells and I bet you still have the original Playstation because you're too dumb to earn enough money to upgrade and no one loves you enough to buy you a new console for your birthday or Chrismas or anything and additionally I bet you're bad at sports. FACT:

There will be contests (Dog Owner Look-A-Like, Best Costume)

Yea. That's right. Dog. Owner. Look-A-Like. As in,But a whole barkin' contest's worth.

Cheater.

Doga (dog yoga) demonstrations

Woah woah woah woah woah straight up wait up hold up, Mr. Lover. "Doga?" "Dog yoga?" Well, let's see what Google has for us here...ok, typing in "doga." Alright, we have a "doga" website that's--

Oh my.

Oh. Oh my.

I just-- it's...oh my.
Bark. Yes. If you haven't punched at least 3 people since you began to read this post, the reason is painfully obvious: you are handless. I'm sorry. That must suck. FACT:

[There will be some barkin' ROCKIN] live music by Blue Jupiter and much, much more!

Ladies and gentlemen, Blue Jupiter:AND much, MUCH more! Not just much more. Much more, and then, after that, much more as well...in addition to the...original more, which could already have been considered "much" before more was added to it..."much" more, in fact, you see.

***Punches, like, 20 people, Rocks out on air guitar***

Ahem. But on a more serious note, the Dogswalk won't just be the most awesome event in the history of history, it will also be the most important. Ever. By far.

Signing of the Declaration of Independence? Somewhat important.

Invention of the Printed Press? Could take it or leave it.

Falling of the Berlin Wall? Psssh. That didn't even happen in America.

Dogswalk 2009? Now we're barkin' talking!

Listen,

This year alone, over 565,650 people are expected to die from cancer. Still a scientific enigma, cancer affects 3,000 new people each year, and through years and years of research, we only know one thing about cancer.

Dogs cure cancer*. Pure and simple.

The Dogswalk will bring together some 7,245,000,000,000,000,000 canines*, and the enormous dog concentration will bring about a total global eradication of cancer...assumedly. If history has taught us anything, it'll probably look similar to the end of Ghostbusters II.

I'm sorry, what? They don't? Oh.

Um...so dogs don't cure cancer.

Ten percent of the net proceeds raised at Dogswalk benefit the AMC cancer clinic.

Ohhhhhhhhh. Ok. So the money raised will go to scientists, and they are the ones who figure out the whole cancer cure thing. I still assume it'll closely resemble the conclusion of Ghostbusters II. Wait, what money?

The registration fee will be $50.00 per person.

Ohhhhhhhhh. But wait. Dogs don't have money.

The dog's owner pays the fee, stupid

Ohhhhhhhhh--Heyyyyy! Watch it, quote that's on my blog.

Put on your shoes and lend us a paw in the fight against cancer

I don't get the reference.

...

...

...Ohhhhhhh!!!!

In conclusion: Dogs.

The American Cancer Society Dogswalk will take place at Riverside Park at West 108th Street on May 3rd, 2009. Event begins at 9 AM and concludes at 2 PM. $50 registration fee. For more information, visit cancer.org or shout me a holler...I happen to have an inside hookup to all the action.

* = Not true.

Nope, No Stereotypes Here...

2008-12-05T10:12:00.006-05:00

...and I said, "well then I guess that means I'm just happy to see ya!!" Hehehehe get it? "Happy to see ya?" ...I had a boner? Well, anyway, Asians love karaoke, am I right folks? I mean they looooove that stuff, am I right? I mean, they like karaoke so much, they kill ya if you sing more than 3 songs in a row!

Audience Member: That's not funny, taintface!

Sir, I am trying to report the news here. Can you be a little more respectful of the dead? Sheesh.

A Malaysian man has been stabbed to death for refusing to stop singing and hand over the microphone at a karaoke bar, police say.

I mean, to be fair, this did happen in Malaysia, where I believe the primary export is senseless homicide. So. There's that. But really? This situation escalated to murder??? I mean, turning the sound system off wasn't a viable option?

Abdul Sani Doli[hahahahaha this dude's name is silly as shit! um...God rest his soul -Ed.], 23, reportedly angered some of the customers when he hogged the stage at the bar in Sandakan town on eastern Borneo island.

So they killed him. And not with a gun mind you, not a one-second, possibly moment-of-passion "BLAM!" No. This was a stabbing. As in, these people at a karaoke bar were SO pissed at this dude that after they had successfully removed him from the stage they decided to stab. Then stab. Then stab (cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut). I mean, when you stab a person to death you are all up in their business. Trust me. TRUST me.

He was punched before being stabbed to death with a knife.

Ouch! They punched him? I bet that must've smarted...y'know, before he was murdered to death with a knife. After that I bet it didn't hurt as much, in comparison.

The article concludes with a description of what karaoke is, which pisses me off every time journalists do this.

Karaoke, in which amateurs can sing along to their favourite songs, first emerged from Japan and became hugely popular across Asia during the 1980s, before spreading to other parts of the world.

No fucking shit you shit fucker who fornicates with fecal matter. Although, I guess to be fair, I did go back and re-read the article pretending not to know what the word "karaoke" means, and it was literally the most baffling thing I've ever read in my life.